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Thread: I hate myself

  1. #1

    Default I hate myself

    Was drinking alcohol and all of a sudden I hear what honestly sounded like gunfire and a bunch of laughing people, I have been seriously down in life lately, well for the past 7 years now and this is not the first time this has happened to me, I completely lost control and I stormed out of my house and saw a group of people walking past who I immediately thought were the ones who were being stupid, I really went violent at them, swearing, they didn't say anything and walked off, I slammed my door and came back indoors. Now I am ridden with intense feelings of guilt as I think it wasn't the group who walked past that were causing havoc which really sounded like gunfire, something just switched with me and I went into attack mode, I didn't lay a finger on them and looking back now it was one of my severe out of control moments that happens like once a year, 24/7 I am depressed as hell and so anxious of everything but when I lose control and breakdown I have no fear of anything.

    Half of me is saying I did the right thing because I immediately sensed danger to my family and the rest of my neighbourhood but the other half of me is seriously ridden with guilt right now because of the way this group of people put their heads down and seemed scared of me, I don't even know what the alarming noises were, they just really sounded like gunfire so I stormed out my front door and went really bad at the group of people who I thought were the bad ones, it's just the way they kept their heads down and didn't say a word that has got me thinking they were innocent and I am the last person to ever make anyone feel sad etc.

    I am not looking for positivity towards myself
    from you here I swear, I just really wonder what is wrong with me, for someone who is seriously a nervous wreck and thinking sadness 24/7, every breathing second, hiding away from everyone and everything in life to completely flip out and go psycho, I have no idea, all I can say is when I am really fed up and reach rock bottom I go completely mad, and here I am now in tears, turmoil, complete embarrassment and regret.

    I can ignore most things in life, I grew up with my Dad arguing really horribly to my dear Mum because he has always drunk Alcohol and apart from seeing my Mum upset and other things I can control myself from exploding into a different, uncontrollable person, I was a very promising person at school who was told I would always go far and to this day I am 26 and unemployed, been on and off antidepressants and I now drink alcohol every single day.

    Moderators please delete all this if you want to of course, I just don't know what or who I am, I tell myself every day I will stop drinking, I am never violent except for like once a year when something really serious makes me switch,

    I am sorry everyone, I am just writing up to see if anyone has experienced anything like this, I feel absoloutely guilt ridden because I think I went psycho at innocent people although they were in a group who I immediately thought were the ones causing trouble, I swear tho I did not lay one finger on them, I know I will stop alcohol and maybe alcohol is what has made and is causing me to be so anxious 24/7.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by MartinPeters View Post
    ...I just really wonder what is wrong with me....
    I'm not a psychologist / psychiatrist / therapist ect. whatever... I would always suggest people get some kind of professional help if they can (although that's not always easy.)

    But...

    IDK, for me I can identify with that moment? You describe how you've been so anxious, depressed, hiding away... you get a few things happening

    1. if you've been isolated from people, you're used to it being quiet around you, so any noise and disturbance seems bigger, more intrusive, more frightening
    2. you have all this pent up anger inside you, and when someone breaks into your consciousness you suddenly want to turn all that fury on them (alcohol probably makes you less inhibited, so that amps this up)
    3. part of why you were hiding is because you're frightened anyway? so it's just "fight or flight" kicking in

    ...that all comes together and it's maybe not surprising you over-react and lash out at people you thing are a threat.

    I've been angry and lashed out at people through being depressed and anxious... it's not uncommon. It's a part of the illness. It's wrong, and you still have to be responsible for what you do, but it's not some deep statement about "who you are as a person". It doesn't define you.

    I know you're not looking for positivity, but I don't think you need to feel like the worst person in the world over this. It's true it was a bad thing to do, and you shouldn't have done it, but you didn't hit anyone, and they were in a group so that probably made it less scary for them... probably they will just think of you as "that psycho guy" and shake it off.

    Good luck with the alcohol, and I hope you can find help and a way through your anxiety + depression.

  3. #3

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    I'm right there with you. I feel as if I'm living for everyone else. I think about suicide daily, getting to the point at times where the thought of it makes me happier in a way. I've lost interest in just about everything.

    I also know that being this way is like no hope is no fear. Tolerance drops. Can't really be around groups of people for long. Just doing whatever to get by. Making interaction with others as short as possible. I can go on and on.

    You're not alone being angry and depressed.

    Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

  4. #4

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    I had a few questions. You say you live with family and I wondered, are you married with children? I ask because I was always protective of my family and especially my children. Are you living with other adults, mother, siblings? Did you feel genuinely threatened because that can happen too. I had some guy show up in my year very late at night. I went out and bought a gun the next week. I also called the police. I don't know how things work in the U. K., but in the U. S., if someone and especially a group of people are disturbing the peace, the police will respond and investigate. I've called the police on two occasions in the 37 years I've lived at our present location.

    My other concern is if you are on anti-depressant drugs, you shouldn't be drinking alcohol, so that might be part of the problem. It could also be a serious problem so you might want to think about cutting back on the alcohol. Alcohol can also make you more depressed. I quit drinking back in 1985, a long time ago and I feel a lot better for having done it. I do hope you begin to feel better and less depressed. Depression is hard to beat as I deal with it as well.

  5. #5

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    I'm really sorry I've just wrote a huge reply to your PM but I can't send it, I spent ages writing it too and I am gutted, I explained everything and was so thankful and appreciative to you, I have it copied I just need to somehow become a contributor, I promise I will somehow reply to you personally.

    - - - Updated - - -

    This is so the same with me buddy, just fighting through the days and not wanting to interact because of being so drained and just not having energy to appear happy to others, I promise I understand, I seriously pray with all my heart your suicide thoughts go, I really do, it gets so hard online aswell when I hear things like this, as I genuinely care but I will appear to be blunt as I just cannot help but I seriously do take strong concern and panic to things like that what you say, please, remember there are people out there who care, I'm just really sorry

    - - - Updated - - -

    Hi I don't have children but I live with my Mum, Dad & my brother, exactly, it is literately that I experienced last night, I could hear what really I thought were guns and yes that is so correct, being sober now I can think better and I know I was sensing danger to my family so I just flipped, I have spoken to a neighbour today and apparently people were setting fireworks off down our road at 2AM, so it was idiots with fireworks that I heard at 10PM last night, the only thing is I don't know if it was the group that I saw that were the ones who set them off, I think it was not, that's why I just feel so horrible to them.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MartinPeters View Post
    Was drinking alcohol and all of a sudden I hear what honestly sounded like gunfire and a bunch of laughing people, I have been seriously down in life lately, well for the past 7 years now and this is not the first time this has happened to me, I completely lost control and I stormed out of my house and saw a group of people walking past who I immediately thought were the ones who were being stupid, I really went violent at them, swearing, they didn't say anything and walked off, I slammed my door and came back indoors. Now I am ridden with intense feelings of guilt as I think it wasn't the group who walked past that were causing havoc which really sounded like gunfire, something just switched with me and I went into attack mode, I didn't lay a finger on them and looking back now it was one of my severe out of control moments that happens like once a year, 24/7 I am depressed as hell and so anxious of everything but when I lose control and breakdown I have no fear of anything.

    Half of me is saying I did the right thing because I immediately sensed danger to my family and the rest of my neighbourhood but the other half of me is seriously ridden with guilt right now because of the way this group of people put their heads down and seemed scared of me, I don't even know what the alarming noises were, they just really sounded like gunfire so I stormed out my front door and went really bad at the group of people who I thought were the bad ones, it's just the way they kept their heads down and didn't say a word that has got me thinking they were innocent and I am the last person to ever make anyone feel sad etc.

    I am not looking for positivity towards myself
    from you here I swear, I just really wonder what is wrong with me, for someone who is seriously a nervous wreck and thinking sadness 24/7, every breathing second, hiding away from everyone and everything in life to completely flip out and go psycho, I have no idea, all I can say is when I am really fed up and reach rock bottom I go completely mad, and here I am now in tears, turmoil, complete embarrassment and regret.

    I can ignore most things in life, I grew up with my Dad arguing really horribly to my dear Mum because he has always drunk Alcohol and apart from seeing my Mum upset and other things I can control myself from exploding into a different, uncontrollable person, I was a very promising person at school who was told I would always go far and to this day I am 26 and unemployed, been on and off antidepressants and I now drink alcohol every single day.

    Moderators please delete all this if you want to of course, I just don't know what or who I am, I tell myself every day I will stop drinking, I am never violent except for like once a year when something really serious makes me switch,

    I am sorry everyone, I am just writing up to see if anyone has experienced anything like this, I feel absoloutely guilt ridden because I think I went psycho at innocent people although they were in a group who I immediately thought were the ones causing trouble, I swear tho I did not lay one finger on them, I know I will stop alcohol and maybe alcohol is what has made and is causing me to be so anxious 24/7.
    I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. This event seems to have precipitated a crisis that has been lying beneath the surface for some time. Perhaps it takes something like this to happen for you to reach out and get some help.

    I would say, if you ever hear something that sounds like gun shots again, don't go running towards it. Call the police right away and keep the doors locked until they arrive. That would be the best way to protect your family and yourself. If it turned out to be something else, like fireworks, then it would still be a police matter since there was a disturbance of the police.

    I don't think you need to worry too much about what that group of people is thinking right now. Although it has clearly upset you, I'm betting they have probably forgotten about it by now and could care less about it. When we are deeply affected by an event, we assume the other people also respond with the same level of heightened emotion. The truth is they probably just went about the remainder of their night and aren't giving it a second thought. At the very least, it has clearly affected you more than anyone else.


    The Chinese word for 'crisis' has two meanings: danger and opportunity. It can be a wake-up call that you need to take some steps to get your life back in order. Perhaps this is the time to consider reaching out for help and seeing your doctor. You've indicated a history of being off and on with the anti-depressants, so this would seem to be an excellent opportunity to reconnect with a medical professional and seek help. If you have had problems with medication in the past, then please discuss it with your doctor and explore the options. The medical profession can still be trial-and-error and it can take time until the right balance is found.

    You did nothing wrong, friend. You're hurting, that much is clear. From the sounds of it, there are a number of issues in your past which are building up and holding you back because they have been left unresolved. I grew up in a home with an abusive father and I know how much our pasts can affect our present day lives and how it can hold us back. It takes time to get over these things and move forward. You're not alone in that respect. I also suffered from depression, having attempted suicide and becoming an alcoholic.

    What I can say is that you are still young and you have many years ahead of you. With the right help, the right support and a positive environment, you will get past this and start achieving that potential you mentioned. It wasn't until I was 28 years old that I found enough confidence to go back to school and change my life's path. You do it when you are ready. There's no deadline on your future. Just don't blame yourself for everything that's gone wrong in your life. So much of it is beyond your control. You can't change the past, you can only choose how you will let it impact your future. And that involves surrounding yourself with people who care about you, medical help to treat the depression and anger, getting the alcoholism under control, and counselling to acquire a positive image of yourself.

    I don't think there is any single specific factor that led you to lashing out, it was likely a number of variables that culminated in releasing the anger, stress and depression that has been building up throughout the years. You're vulnerable right now. My hope is that you will see this as an opportunity to seek some help.


    I do encourage you to talk to someone as soon as possible, whether it be a friend, family member, or a professional. In the event that you prefer to discuss it annonymously, I am providing some links to helplines and online counselling services in the UK. Always remember... you are not alone.

    Samaritans
    http://www.samaritans.org

    List of Helplines in UK
    http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/inte...-hotlines.html

    ONLINE RESOURCES

    International Association for Suicide Prevention
    https://www.iasp.info/resources/Onli...tion_Services/

    To Write Love On Her Arms
    https://twloha.com/

    Unsuicide
    http://unsuicide.wikispaces.com/Onli...5#.WNmmBfWcHIV
    Last edited by Starrunner; 15-May-2017 at 02:21.

  7. #7

    Default

    You absoloute lovely soul, Thank You with all my heart for all of that, I wish i could prove just how much that touched me and has made me so much more positive, I promise you I mean it, I really do, I can't wait to be able to PM as you're definitely someone I will spend time talking to, it's just so hard showing thankfulness and appreciation and that I have listened to everything you have just said, I really mean it.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by MartinPeters View Post
    You absoloute lovely soul, Thank You with all my heart for all of that, I wish i could prove just how much that touched me and has made me so much more positive, I promise you I mean it, I really do, I can't wait to be able to PM as you're definitely someone I will spend time talking to, it's just so hard showing thankfulness and appreciation and that I have listened to everything you have just said, I really mean it.
    Better days ahead, my friend. Better days!

  9. #9

    Default

    It helps just to talk to someone to get it out not being able to vent can make it more stressful.
    Some of us are coping too.
    It's looking out for one another that matters.
    You don't have to go it alone.
    You can pm any time.

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