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Thread: I feel so lost....

  1. #1

    Unhappy I feel so lost....

    So, I've been a member for a short while and I don't wan't to burden anyone, but I can't hold it in any more. I am in need of an outlet. So here goes.

    I just recently moved to Florida in the hopes of getting closer to my birth family. This is the second try and things did not go well the first time around.

    I have a job (not one that I really like, but that isn't the problem,) and family down here in Palm Bay. But just this week my birth mother and I got into a mega argument and some things were said that can't be taken back. (Calling my father a perv, calling me a failure the list goes on and on...)

    I just uprooted from Ohio, I'm in Unfamiliar territory and I feel like total crap.

    I am in a Very dark place right now, and am just trying to move on. I have apologized for my part in the argument, and have tried to fix this, but she goes on and on and its getting unbearable, And for this I have decided not to continue my life with her (or her family) in it.

    I feel lost and just don't know what to do. I feel I have no reason to exist anymore.

    I'm sorry for the rant, but any help or conversation would help. I just need to take my mind off all this before this feeling gets worse... Maybe I should just sit for a day, do absolutely nothing a be my little self...


    Anyway thanks in advance for the help

  2. #2

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    It sounds like things got pretty brutal. I'm sorry to hear it. If it was a first-time fight, then I would have suggested giving it some time for things to settle, but since this is the second attempt, and you seem to have decided to remove them from your life, then you can only look forward, not backward. And that is always difficult. You have apologized, you have accepted responsiblity, and if they are not willing to reciprocate, then there's little more you can do at this point.

    On the plus side , at least you still have job in Florida, even if it's not the best one in the world right now, at least you're able to remain self-sufficient and not having to rely on them to support you. I'd also suggest you still have your adoptive family but I'm not sure if that is the case or if they are available. It actually has me wondering what set the wheels in motion for you to try to reconnect with your birth family. Feel free to provide some more details if you so wish.

    I think sometimes it is just so engrained in our consciousness that families are the ones who are supposed to love us and accept us unconditionally, and so we blame ourselves when things go wrong. The truth is a family is really just a group of related individuals connected by blood, and many of us probably wouldn't spend much time with them except for the familial obligations and because we're expected to.

    I came from a family with an abusive father, so my perception may be somewhat skewed, however, I have always believed that true "family" are the people you can count on for support, the ones who are there to lend a hand in an emergency, and give good constructive advice in addition to their time. "Family" can be a best friend, a teacher, a colleague, or anyone to whom you feel close and can confide in. Family is not always defined by blood and relationship. And so, think of this as a time to begin your own family, with new people who will actually care about you and not demolish your feelings. They're out there, and I believe you will find them once you're settled in and over the hurt you're feeling right now.

    As someone who has been to those 'dark places,' I worry when I hear about people when they express this sentiment. Feeling sad right now is a normal reaction to a terrible family situation. My hope is that you will take the time to reflect and move on. However, in the event that you are feeling depressed or suicidal, I am submitting a link with a list of helplines and resources in your area.

    http://www.the-bright-side.org/site/...?type=1&id=202

    I hope this helps. I wish I had better answers.

  3. #3

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    these are all very great points starrunner has made.

    as a side note, I would suggest breaking down the issues you are facing, facing our emotional and family issues becomes at least half as easier when we have a secure home or refuge where we can decompress from our day.

    I also realize you have a lot facing you at the moment, I guess what i am asking is, do you have a stable living environment at the moment?

  4. #4

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    I was adopted at the age of two by two wonderful people who actually loved me. I never had a desire to find my birth parents, and for reasons you've actually experienced. I often wondered what they were like, but I was told by my adoptive parents that they were having marital problems. Their solution to solve their problems was to have a baby, and see how that worked out. They put me up for adoption.

    My concern was that they were probably dysfunctional, and I didn't want that in my life. I have enough problems dealing with the problems I have. I have wondered if I have brothers and sister, but I'm still not curious enough to find out because I know nothing about them. For all I know, maybe they've done jail time and are dangerous.

    I think you should move on and concentrate on you. Clearly, they're not invested in you and don't want you in their life. I felt that way about my birth parents, so to hell with them.

    I'm now wondering, were you adopted or did you grow up in foster homes? I'm sure how you grew up has some bearing and wanting to have a relationship with your birth parents, but sometimes that's just not possible. I feel sorry for you that this hasn't worked out, but it seems like you will have to move on, at least for a long while.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I was adopted at the age of two by two wonderful people who actually loved me. I never had a desire to find my birth parents, and for reasons you've actually experienced. I often wondered what they were like, but I was told by my adoptive parents that they were having marital problems. Their solution to solve their problems was to have a baby, and see how that worked out. They put me up for adoption.

    My concern was that they were probably dysfunctional, and I didn't want that in my life. I have enough problems dealing with the problems I have. I have wondered if I have brothers and sister, but I'm still not curious enough to find out because I know nothing about them. For all I know, maybe they've done jail time and are dangerous.

    I think you should move on and concentrate on you. Clearly, they're not invested in you and don't want you in their life. I felt that way about my birth parents, so to hell with them.

    I'm now wondering, were you adopted or did you grow up in foster homes? I'm sure how you grew up has some bearing and wanting to have a relationship with your birth parents, but sometimes that's just not possible. I feel sorry for you that this hasn't worked out, but it seems like you will have to move on, at least for a long while.
    Yes I was adopted at the age of 7.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by MommyandMattling View Post
    these are all very great points starrunner has made.

    as a side note, I would suggest breaking down the issues you are facing, facing our emotional and family issues becomes at least half as easier when we have a secure home or refuge where we can decompress from our day.

    I also realize you have a lot facing you at the moment, I guess what i am asking is, do you have a stable living environment at the moment?
    hmmmm... Stable not so much. I have a place separate from my birth mother but just being down here is making me restless. (34 hours of no sleep.) I'm debating going back to Ohio. I have adopted grandparents that live up there and who have been helping out. (They really aren't truly adopted but, but ever since moving in with my friend they took me in.)

  6. #6

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    I can speak with a bit of authority on this. I found out at age 22 that I was adopted, during a massive argument with my old man after my mum had died. Things had deteriorated badly between us, obviously, and I moved out the next day. Dad and I eventually patched things up, but it took a few years. I decided not to pursue or investigate my birth family.

    Then, when I was in my mid thirties, I get "The Phone Call." My birth family had tracked me down. Or my sister at least.

    Turns out my birth mother is a real piece of work. Three kids by three different fathers, none of whom are known. I have an older brother, and my mother had wanted a girl next. She had given birth to him at age 16-17, and me two years later. When I turned out male, I was immediately given up for adoption, as a girl was required. Another three years later, she had her girl to yet another father.

    The girl, my sister, had tracked me down. It had resulted in a huge family rift, with my birth mother flatly refusing to meet me or know anything about me, and my brother siding with her.

    To this day, Ive never met them.

    I did however meet my sister, an a cousin and an aunt an uncle. All nice people, and for awhile we tried to connect. My family stayed with them, and we kept in contact and met occasionally.

    But eventually my birth mother held sway, and convinced everyone that I shouldn't be involved with their family. The phone calls, invitations and cards abruptly stopped, and within two years it was just as it had been before, I didn't exist.

    This annoyed me greatly. I hadn't ever looked for them, even swearing I'd never have anything to do with them anyway, but of course curiosity had gotten the better of me, and I lowered my defences.

    That two years of contact was a huge upheaval. I went from knowing nothing about them, to trying to know everything, only to be again dropped out of existence.

    I sincerely wish that they'd never contacted me to start with. Basically, I feel like I have been completely abandoned twice by them.

    But I don't dwell on it. I was happy before I knew about them, and I'm happy again now without them. I knew that they had done nothing to raise me, and I had proved that I owed them nothing, and was quite okay without them.

    I hope you can reconcile as well. Not with your family, but with yourself. Don't let them take your sense of self worth away. You came a long way without them, and you can go even further too.

    It's a fairy tale to think that you NEED blood family. They're an added bonus, not a necessity.

    Move on with your life, and don't let them grind you down.

  7. #7

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    Thank you for sharing that with me @Wombat. This all hit home for me and I'm glad that I don't have to deal with it all myself. I guess the thing for me is the knowledge that by giving up on this relationship I won't have anyone left. The relationship with my adopted parents fell apart years ago. I have, however, come to terms with this and realize that at the current moment I need to better my life. It really sucks that I decided to move down here only to have this happen, but I accept that If it was going to work out I'd be in a different situation at the current moment.

    And with that I suppose I owe you guys an Update. I have a friend from Ohio where I lived before who is offering to help me out with transportation and a place to live. It'll be like I never left. I was told by my old boss that If I ever returned that they'd hire me back no questions asked. As I am not a wasteful person I am going to stay down here for the next month, work to save my money so I'm not broke when I move back up.

    Thank you guys.

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