Conflicted (Jason)
I didn’t mean to start crying and shit like that, but it was hard not to.
My own parents probably hated me, and rightly so. I was just the weird kid who liked to be babied and such. That was not normal. I was not normal. I guess I wanted to let out my feelings that my own family had turned their backs on me, and they sent me to see my shrink uncle. I wanted to believe that Uncle Adam was going to help me but it I knew I was unfixable.
He caught up with me before I could shut the door. He looked at me with one of those looks he used to give me when I was a little kid and I would end up hurt because I was climbing on a tree. I remember the time when I was eight and my kite got stuck there and I just tried to get it back and ended with a scraped knee.
Uncle Adam didn’t scold me, he gave me one of those looks and he bandaged me and gave me a candy. He always had a kind heart. But that was then, when I was a boy and now I’m… I don’t know what I am. That’s the problem with me, I don’t know what I am and that is driving me insane. Because people know this shit by now or are figuring it out. I’m nowhere near that.
“Jay,” said Uncle Adam and then sat in the chair of the desk as I sat in the bed. “I guess we’re going to have this conversation now.”
“I don’t want to,” I said, wiping the snot from my nose with my sleeve. “I can’t tell you. You’ll kick me out. Just like Mom and Dad did…”
Uncle Adam sighed. “First of all, they didn’t kick you out. Your mom and your dad love you, kid. They love you very much, but they’re confused. They need time to process what’s going on with you, they need time for themselves to understand. And they know that you need time to understand as well.”
“You know,” I said embarrassed. “Don’t you?”
“Your dad just told me,” said Uncle Adam. “But maybe you’d like to tell me. Maybe you’d like to get it out of your system…”
I looked away, my eyes watering again. “I’m ashamed.”
“You don’t need to be,” said Uncle Adam and then he touched my shoulder. “There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing.”
“Uncle Adam,” I said and then I began sobbing. “I… I’m drawn to wearing diapers. I like pacifiers and bottles and…. Thumbsucking and I like to pretend I’m a baby. I’m so fucked up. I’m so messed up in the head…”
There, I said it.
Suddenly, Uncle Adam did the unexpected. He wrapped his arms around me as if I was a little boy again and rubbed my arms with his hands. That was the last thing I expected him to do. That was the last thing I would expect anyone to do at hearing that confession. “There is nothing wrong with you, Jay. You’re different, that’s all. But different is not bad.”
“It is bad!” I said with what could be almost a shout. “I… I’ve felt like this ever since I was like five years old. All I ever wanted was to be babied and shit like that. Shit. If I’m different, then I’m not normal, if I’m not normal… then I can’t be happy…”
“You’re wrong with that, kiddo,” said Uncle Adam as he continued to hush me. “Being different is tough, but the brightest people are different. And they learn to be happy the way they are. You need to do that. You need to embrace your infantilism, as part of who you are. And when you do that, you’ll find yourself happy…”
“I don’t know how to embrace something like this,” I said with a sad look. “It’s pretty uncommon.”
“No, it’s not. Trust me, I had patients that share what you like and they’re good people. Liking diapers does not make you less,” he said and then he kissed my forehead. “So why don’t we try to make you embrace who you are? You and your parents will see there is nothing to be ashamed of. The world is cruel, yes, but you’re strong. You’ll make it through.”
I felt like I needed to cry again, but this time, I think there would be a mixture of relief in me. I needed to hear that. “Uncle Adam…”
“Yes, kiddo?”
“I don’t want to be ashamed anymore.”
“Then don’t be.”
“I don’t know how.”
“You’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.”
“Thank you,” I finished, and then I hugged him. Sometimes I wondered how he could be as full of love, especially to someone as conflicted as I was. Yes, that was the word. Conflicted.
and the book is ranked 48 on the Top 100 in Amazon Kindle Store! *jumps in happiness*
