Ugh, great, this again.

I was really hoping I was done with this part of my life. I escaped from a bit of a bad relationship with a daddy around April 19th; spent a week with him before making a run for it. Kinda felt bad. Also thought my little side would die and be left to wander the Great Plains forever lol. But noooo! I hate being a big baby...

:-( I'm sorry to here this. Hopefully you can find comfort here. G x


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Thanks...conflicted on whether or not I'm just stuck like this forever and just embrace it or keep fighting it. Part of me wants to fight it and grow up lest the feelings get so strong enough that I dare try relocating to another caregiver and risk the same shit happening all over again. Another part of me says there's no point in fighting it. Feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Considered killing myself, but my family loves me too much unfortunately; it would destroy them. Feel trapped every which way I go. Then a smaller voice kinda misses "daddy" and that weirds me out.

LittleJohnnyABDL said:

Thanks...conflicted on whether or not I'm just stuck like this forever and just embrace it or keep fighting it. Part of me wants to fight it and grow up lest the feelings get so strong enough that I dare try relocating to another caregiver and risk the same shit happening all over again. Another part of me says there's no point in fighting it. Feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Considered killing myself, but my family loves me too much unfortunately; it would destroy them. Feel trapped every which way I go. Then a smaller voice kinda misses "daddy" and that weirds me out.

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Oh -- you sound so conflicted. If there's one thing I've learnt about "being me", it's that it doesn't help to see things in such an "all or nothing", kind of way.

I have these "little"/DL feelings... and there's no point fighting them... but there's also no reason to "give in" and define your entire life around them. It's all about balance.

I think that accepting the way I feel, and recognising that it's "okay" to have the feelings I do, had allowed me to "grow up" as an ABDL... if that makes sense. I've tried to accept my natural feelings, and to love myself.

Yes, ABDLism is unconventional, but at the end of the day, you don't have to justify yourself or your lifestyle to anyone. You just have to be able to live with yourself and the choices you've made.

Why are you "weirded out" by the smaller voice that misses "daddy"? You shouldn't be. It's a perfectly rational response to the insecurities of reality. The only reason you think it's "weird" is because you're focusing on how other people would perceive it. Don't let other people define your values!

You are not "other people"; you are you. You can't see what's inside other people's heads, and so you can't see the kind of weird shit that they don't tell anyone about... Relax! Everyone is a weirdo! It's a scientific fact! You just don't realise how weird they are because you can't see what they're thinking!

I'm sure you're a nice person who means no one any harm... so what have you got to feel ashamed about? Nothing! There are people in this world who want to harm others, or interfere with their rights to privacy, fair pay, respect and dignity. Are you one of those people?! No? Well, then, hold your head high!

I don't know if it helps, but I once had a psychotherapist who gave me this little parable:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

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I a way i can relate i too at one point had a daddy but that didn't work out either i would work 2 jobs and the majority of my pay went into the bills and food and the roof over our heads he would spend his money buying things for his computer. I would clean the apartment and then his real life son and his friends would come over and then i would be left to clean up again. Also i wasn't allowed to meet or talk to other ABs so after awhile i left and now i am an orphan trying to make friends and talk to other babies