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Thread: Wife looking for answers

  1. #1

    Default Wife looking for answers

    Hey all - I am definitely new to all this - my husband of almost 10 years told me before we got married that he enjoyed role playing adult baby. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and that as long as he wasn't around me I wasn't going to stop him. Fast forward almost 10 years and he's working out of state and i know ( and he has confessed) that he is doing it more often now and feels free. He has told a few people and they are accepting. He has friend that was accepting and was his "mommy" long ago and she is back and they are talking online now... It breaks my heart and I feel as though he is cheating on me albeit not physically. How can i get pat the hurt and learn to accept this lifestyle he is leading. How does one get through it? I don't want him to be a perfect person but I married a man not a child. I have two children... I don't care to have another child let alone an adult one. I think the diaper thing is gross and just can't even fathom wanting to dirty yourself into a diaper. I don't want to judge others for the choices they make.... But it's my husband and I want a man not a child and I don't know how to get over it. My sexual desire diminishes when he wears footie pajamas and sleeps with his bear - of which he has done always... help me understand this.i want so bad to save my marriage and so afraid we aren't going to get past this if i can't understand and figure it all out.
    Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I really want to make this work but i know a mommy to a man cannot be. How can i work around it? are there other support groups for spouses of folks that want to be an ab?

  2. #2

    Default

    Before I even venture into any kind of answer, how much have you read about AB/DLs? There are several articles to give you the basics here on this site.

    Sent from my SM-T350 using Tapatalk

  3. #3

    Default

    Every person on this site will probably have a slightly different take on your answer. Most of us did not get here by choice, I sure didn't. You've known your husband was an AB for 10 years, but it doesn't sound like you've researched it. You can start by changing that (no pun intended). Some of us are happy if our spouse just accepts it. Others want participation. Frankly, you need to sit down and have this conversation with him instead of asking us, especially since he is apparently searching for fulfillment outside of your relationship. Listening without judgement is the key.

    You might have a different opinion of diapers if you have struggled (and stressed) about accidents at some point in your life. Try Amazon and search for an adult baby book. While its got some flaws a book like "There's a Baby in my Bed" might shed some light on why your husband is an AB. Comfort, security, giving up control, innocence, play, submission, dependence, simple, stress relief, pleasure...these are just some of the words that describe the positive side of being an AB. There are negative sides and you have voiced some of them, albeit they are different negatives than the members of this site would state. The important thing is it's a psychological need and for those of us who are incontinent, a medical need. It's not going to go away in your husband so you need to address it and, after gathering all the facts, decide if you want to live with it. It's not fair to either of you if there is no compromise or acceptance.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by plasticsounds View Post
    Before I even venture into any kind of answer, how much have you read about AB/DLs? There are several articles to give you the basics here on this site.

    Sent from my SM-T350 using Tapatalk
    I have done some but not super extensive. There is a lot out there but a majority of what I find is on the negative aspect of it all.

    - - - Updated - - -

    @Spaz Thank you for your honest response. We have talked just the other night for the first time about this and we know we need to a tally talk in person ( he works out of state right now). I know that his childhood may be part of why he started feeling the need to do this. I will definitely look up the boom you suggested and read it. This is a struggle and I am trying my hardest to be accepting.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by hopefulwife View Post
    Hey all - I am definitely new to all this - my husband of almost 10 years told me before we got married that he enjoyed role playing adult baby. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and that as long as he wasn't around me I wasn't going to stop him. Fast forward almost 10 years and he's working out of state and i know ( and he has confessed) that he is doing it more often now and feels free. He has told a few people and they are accepting. He has friend that was accepting and was his "mommy" long ago and she is back and they are talking online now... It breaks my heart and I feel as though he is cheating on me albeit not physically. How can i get pat the hurt and learn to accept this lifestyle he is leading. How does one get through it? I don't want him to be a perfect person but I married a man not a child. I have two children... I don't care to have another child let alone an adult one. I think the diaper thing is gross and just can't even fathom wanting to dirty yourself into a diaper. I don't want to judge others for the choices they make.... But it's my husband and I want a man not a child and I don't know how to get over it. My sexual desire diminishes when he wears footie pajamas and sleeps with his bear - of which he has done always... help me understand this.i want so bad to save my marriage and so afraid we aren't going to get past this if i can't understand and figure it all out.
    Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I really want to make this work but i know a mommy to a man cannot be. How can i work around it? are there other support groups for spouses of folks that want to be an ab?
    As you explained, so I see "normal" female reaction to ABDL. For this reason I keep it private... As minimum two times my ABDL side caused break-ups.

    How to deal with ABDL SO... There're two otions: Put alternatives on the table (you or diapers) or make limits where it'll not inacceptable for you.

  6. #6

    Default

    If your unwilling to participate with your husband in a regressed/nurturing way:

    honestly, if your husband has already branched out for fulfillment in his nurturing needs, you may consider branching out, after discussing this with your husband, about finding someone to fulfill your sexual needs.

    This is something that needs to be discussed first, everyone deserves to feel fulfilled in their relationships.


    ALSO

    I dont know exactly what you believe your husband expects as far as if you were to participate, have you discussed this with him? discussion on the topic, however cringe inducing it may be to you, could open your mind and put things in perspective of just what it is he is searching for, as well as give you a clearer indicator about how to make your relationship work.


    THE ABOVE is assuming your willing to take semi-unorthodox measures to remain in your relationship

  7. #7

    Default

    Your husband's AB needs are a very real part of him. The reason people find themselves in this lifestyle vary greatly - it might not make sense to you on the surface, but it sure does to us. For example, I'm both AB because I like playing baby - part of me just never grew up on the inside, and craves the safety and security of childhood in the face of the stressful adult world - and also a diaper lover, as I have some sexual attraction to diapers. As to why someone would choose to dirty themselves in a diaper - for me, messing my diaper is being like the baby I feel I am on the inside and using my diaper for its intended purpose. It feels good to simply let go, literally and symbolically; it's part of the whole package deal.

    These needs are not going to go away for your husband, and trying to suppress them is not fair to him. Yes, this situation is going to be a test of the strength of your marriage. But a marriage cannot thrive without compromise, which is hopefully something you can find together. If you cannot feel comfortable fulfilling your husband's needs, then you need to find a way for him to do so without you that you can agree on.

  8. #8

    Default

    First and foremost, you need to realise being an AB or DL is not a choice, or a fetish. It is not based on just sexuality either (though it most often does include it). Being an ABDL is an integral and compulsory part of who we are. We cannot ignore this desire any more than a gay person can choose who to like.

    Your telling him to keep this part of himself away from you is literally no different than pushing him away (at least in part). It's actually no wonder he sought out fullfilment elsewhere then. I get that isn't your intent though, and cudos to you for coming here to find a way to make it work.

    So now, take it slow and find how much you're willing to live with. Start off by letting him wear a diaper when he needs to. It doesn't even have to be out in the open, maybe under shorts/pants or his footed sleeper. Don't bother trying to include sex with them either, you already find that a turn off so let him know you need adult time just as much as you're willing to now accept he needs diaper time too.

    This needs to be a two way street of give and take, not the one way keep it all away you've been going with. And well, if you can't accept that then you clearly can't fully accept him as he truly is. Sorry, but you might just be trying to love the wrong person. Hopefuly not though.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by hopefulwife View Post
    Hey all - I am definitely new to all this - my husband of almost 10 years told me before we got married that he enjoyed role playing adult baby. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and that as long as he wasn't around me I wasn't going to stop him. Fast forward almost 10 years and he's working out of state and i know ( and he has confessed) that he is doing it more often now and feels free. He has told a few people and they are accepting. He has friend that was accepting and was his "mommy" long ago and she is back and they are talking online now... It breaks my heart and I feel as though he is cheating on me albeit not physically. How can i get pat the hurt and learn to accept this lifestyle he is leading. How does one get through it? I don't want him to be a perfect person but I married a man not a child. I have two children... I don't care to have another child let alone an adult one. I think the diaper thing is gross and just can't even fathom wanting to dirty yourself into a diaper. I don't want to judge others for the choices they make.... But it's my husband and I want a man not a child and I don't know how to get over it. My sexual desire diminishes when he wears footie pajamas and sleeps with his bear - of which he has done always... help me understand this.i want so bad to save my marriage and so afraid we aren't going to get past this if i can't understand and figure it all out.
    Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I really want to make this work but i know a mommy to a man cannot be. How can i work around it? are there other support groups for spouses of folks that want to be an ab?
    Hey there, thank you for reaching out, I know you must be hurting a lot and hopefully you can find some way forward from what is happening. It is tough not understanding or be part of something that means a lot to a loved one. The person you turn to, the person you think of all the time, that person is creating confusion and distress within your relationship. You have every right to be upset because it hurts when your partner is looking elsewhere, however innocently, to fill a void inside them. You are right to question his motives for speaking with an old flame about his desires. No matter what they are it is unfair to put you in a position that is testing your marriage.

    It would be prudent for me to start by explaining that your husband appears to have a fetish, albeit a mind blowing one. It is comparable to those with a fetish for feet or those who like being spanked. I would always suggest trying to get your head around this part first. It is very normal for humans to have sexual desires that the normal boundaries of society would find taboo. Most people would be able to point to either an activity or item that would cause a sexual feeling or need. I may be jumping the gun but it would appear from what you have mentioned so far that your husband has a fetish for adult baby play or wearing diapers. Yes it is strange and yes it can cause disgust. But it is just a fetish, nothing more. That being said it does not give him an automatic right to indulge his fetish at the expense of upsetting his wife.

    The most any person who has this fetish can ask for from a partner who is not into it is acceptance and possibly a little understanding. I do not mean they must be given free reign to do as they please or be allowed to have a secret play partner. That is unfair on you and will most likely lead to a further divide in your relationship. Sometimes partners may be able to find a small compromise. An example may be that he can indulge in his fetish when you are not around. Other times partners may be able to get involved in some of the tamer elements of the fetish. He could reciprocate by indulging something you enjoy. It is important that the compromise works both ways. Sometimes in the darkest times of a relationship opportunities present themselves, what may seem like nightmare can work so everyone gets what they need.

    Communication is key here. It is not appropriate for him to be indulging online, even if there is no intention to actually do anything. That is selfish on his part and has only driven that wedge further. It would be better for him to explain what goes through his mind and how he feels about having this fetish. Maybe it is the time for very honest discussions about what all this means for both of you and where you want this to sit in your relationship. It will be very difficult for him to just stop as once a fetish is deep inside the mind it is extremely difficult to simply stop. I do not mean to scare you but not engaging and at least discussing options could see him continue escaping to the internet and maybe worse. I would not expect you to simply go along with this, as it is not what you want from your husband, but there are two people here. At present he is doing something wrong and not dealing with it in the right way, maybe try to engage him and see what is possible.

    I have seen this scenario a few times over the years. I have been on this scene as a Mommy and know how this drives people crazy as it is so far removed from what is expected by most folk within society. It does not have to all be negative, if you can muster the courage to try and understand the desires then it is not all disgusting and weird. Some of the kindest and most productive people I have met on the fetish scene would identify as being little or a baby. You just have to keep in mind that there is no on/off switch and only by working hard to find a solution you will fix this. Maybe he can simply stop and let it all go, but it would be wrong of me to give you that kind of hope. I honestly wish you the best of luck and we are here if you need to run anything by us.

  10. #10

    Default

    I didn't tell my wife for over 15 years, but when I told her she was very understanding. We talked a lot and it helped.

    We set limits and we agreed a balance, part of which is not doing anything around our kids.

    It also does not turn my wife on seeing me in a diaper or in onesies with plushies. That's why we have a balance.

    However she is accepting enough to let me wear diapers to bed some nights and then some nights we enjoy a "normal" bed time.

    The key is compromise and communication. I would never look elsewhere to fulfil part of me and my wife allows me a balance so that we are happy together.

    I really hope you can communicate and set boundaries that will be compromises on both sides. Decide your limits and then see if you can both come to an agreement. There will need to be compromise on both sides though.

    Good luck and I wish you all the best.

    P.S. I don't think "baby in your bed" is the best book (it is a bit extreme), but google understanding infantilism. Bittergrey has some great material for helping to understand.

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