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Thread: I feel like my life is impossible to contextualize.

  1. #1

    Default I feel like my life is impossible to contextualize.

    Iunno guys, I've lived a helluva life and I just need to tell some people about it. Neutral people. Idk. Up to you to read. Inb4 hooeg wall of text.

    I want to preface everything written here by saying I've been incredibly fucking blessed in my life. Shit hasn't been always amazing, but by the will of his holiness RNGesus I ended up with some great stats, like my stat roll was in the nineties or some shit. I say this because it'll probably sound like I'm bitching and moaning in the rest of this post, and to that point, I probably will be. But apparently I want you to know that I know that my life has been fucking awesome compared to a lot of people's, and I suffer no illusions about how lucky I've been.

    Anyway...

    My parents got married. I was born. My parents separated. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She died. I was put up for adoption by Mom's parents and possibly adopted. (Grandparents are dead & my Dad doesn't know so iunno) My Dad successfully sued for custody. I'm three years old at this point.

    My Dad was a lotus notes dev, he had two kids out a prior marriage, one of them adopted. They are 14 and 18 years older than me. One used to be a bank robber (was in prison for most of my early life) and is currently unemployed alcoholic, the other was a party girl who got pregnant in her teens and had two kids 2.5 and 4 years younger than me. So he's old, but makes a decent living doing his thing, until the company closes down when I'm 9. He has no job for a while, then goes to school and works nights at walmart at the same time. We're poor now. Not dirt poor, but "I only have two pairs of pants and a destroyed set of shoes" and "Dominos delivery pizza is Very Special Occasion food" poor. I stay home alone because childcare is too expensive, cook, clean, do laundry myself. Generally just see him on the weekends.

    It was OK though, cuz even though we didn't have much money, my Dad scrounged through enough people's trash to be able to build a computer with me and we DID have (slow but thank god not dial-up) internet.

    I spent most of my time reading books and stuff on the interwebz. Only ever had a couple bona-fide games and most new games couldn't run on it so wikipedia and forum games filled in the gap. Developed a pretty expansive knowledge base on various subjects out of the deal, especially after exhausting fiction section of fantasy/sci-fi at library.

    Concurrently, spending most of my primary school in the gifted programme up to grade 6, a cavalcade of mostly wealthy kids. Get made fun of and excluded a lot of material reasons and lack of variety of pants. (Had 2 pairs of pants, carbon copies of each other. Didn't realise the lack of wisdom when I picked them out) Relatively isolated at school proper because 3 out of 5 days I'm in the gifted program. Around 6th grade brother gets out of prison. He's federal-prison-strong and comes how drunk a lot, feels like he needs to "teach me how to fight" when he is. Get kicked out of gifted program for 7th grade year because I can't turn in anything on time and have basically zero organizational skills. Dream about being wealthy, saying fuck you to kids at school/being cool and popular.

    In jr. high, continue to scrape by with Bs to Ds because never do homework, but continue to test highly throughout. For example, 7th grade end-of-year MAP scores are 287 in reading and 283 in mathematics. (Junior year of high school, a kind teacher who took interest in me pulled those scores and showed me them. Was erroneously placed in the 100th percentile. </ego> cue screenshot for r/iamverysmart) Friends at school are two autistic kids and austist's neighbor. Join wrestling, track, cross-country teams to get fit enough to fend off brother.

    9th grade, realized how easy it was to get opiates on the internet. Spend all my money on ordering successive 180 count bottles of opes. Get nightmarishly addicted, (primarily tramadol once hydrocodone stopped being easy to get) but also stop giving fucks because I'm high all the damn time. Make friends, dated a couple girls, nod out and withdraw in class, skip school frequently, quit all sports, Ds and Fs in every subject that I didn't find fun, play guitar for 4 to 5 hours at time several times a week.
    10th grade package gets seized. Don't get arrested, but 1.5 years of daily opiate/SSRI use sends me into terrifying 2-week long withdrawal, still go to school though. Blocked out most of it from my memory-- remember being unable to speak sentences correctly. ("Teacher, can I go to the bathroom please?" came out "Bathroom. Please go I the can teacher?" v. embarassing.) Sober! Join band later, become well known because we're all 15 but play shreddy djent on 8-strings back when periphery and after the burial's first albums came out. Have success, play shows all across the region, start smoking weed, make a lot more friends from the music scene, get better grades, having a blast. Start doing LSD, LSA, mushrooms, all sorts of psychedelics and get drunk often. Work concrete every summer after addiction ends. Shadily paid under the table because of my age, but look old enough to pass for 18 for clients.

    Start caring about school again. Debate coach and AP English teacher took me under his wing. Got better grades, continuously debated teachers cuz problem with authority, got involved in Forensics, Trivia team, co-found state's first FIRST robotics team, spoke at school board meetings, taught Debate I & II as an assistant teacher. (Only high-school student teacher in my school's history /brag) Lots of first place trophies come my way, winter senior year there's a lot of days I get to school at 7 and leave after midnight. Known primarily for being "smartest kid in school," unbelievably disorganized, a huge stoner and a nice guy in that order, so finally become "popular." On top of the fucking world. Won $4,000 in trivia competitions, kinda fucked up the ACT (was stoned and therefore convinced second guessing my answers would fuck me over so didn't check any work, finished each section way too early and twiddled my thumbs, I regret that mucho) but still got one of the top 50 scores in the state so I got a full ride scholarship to state university.
    Never spent much money back then, had saved up enough to move out and did so immediately after school ended with best friend. Relationship with my father was toxic-- he gave up on school and got a day job so was home more often. Yelling at each other constantly, would drag me by the hair to a light I forgot to turn off and shit like that, but rarely got punchy. When my Grandma sold me her old car I basically only slept there, and even then only about half the week.

    Entered state university as a sophomore halfway through his year. I took a lot of dual-credit classes and set the high school record for # of AP tests taken. (Record for number taken is because even if your school doesn't have, say, a psychology class, you can still sign up for the AP psych test. We only had like 4 AP classes cuz we were the poor school district.)

    Go to school for a while, got more scholarship money than school costs so I blew it all on booze, weed and other drugs. By halfway through the first semester, partying way too much, get on academic probation. Sign up for next year, literally don't set foot on campus. Still having a blast. Get kicked out of school. Angry. Very. Very. Angry. I felt like I proved every teacher I had growing up who told me I'd be a failure right.

    Am 19 now. Channel rage into starting my own business. (Will provide relatively few details about it, otherwise y'all'd be able to track me down, and I'm bearing my soul here.) Work at late night restaurant and business concurrently, until business takes off. Working 8-14 hours days at it every single day but work starts to pay off. Start hiring people. Just one friend from college at first, then my other best friend, who was taking networking classes and was just what we needed, then a few more, some friends and some random people from posters I put up at college. Work ridiculous hours for two years but it pays off incredibly. Grossed 1.2 million in revenue when I was 20. Everybody's making great money for our age. Had more money than I ever dreamed I had but no time to spend it, except on drugs, which I could do at work. I start taking adderall to cope with long hours and work, and then a bunch of other drugs to deal with the constant stress, but pretty much the whole company was getting high as fuck the entire time. We ran it out of our apartments and could smoke weed the entire time except for the rare meeting. Opiates resurface in my life again, and eventually all of us start using them to excess. In terms of drug-use, become a microcosm of Jordan Belfort and become semi-legendary for how many drugs I can consume and still seem pretty much sober and get shit done. Psychoactive substance budget was $500-1000 per week. But over time, constant drug use and vacationless 10 hour days took their toll. Starting getting bad anxiety, having panic attacks. I decided I couldn't handle it anymore, and on my 21st birthday I sold the business and turned over management to my friend and first hire. Took him about nine months to run my baby into the ground. Over-leveraged the business and even worse decided to use company funds to fulfill his dream of living life like a rap star. Mismanagement and $3000 strip club tabs ended up putting the company under right before I was about to put $10,000 of my own money to help the business get into a prime, downtown main street brick-and-mortar location for a % of revenue. Glad I didn't.

    Meanwhile, I fulfilled my own rich-person dreams, to a smaller and less wasteful degree than my friend and business partner had. Bought my Dad a car, invested $5000 in my brother's fledgling concrete business that since went bankrupt (As of right now, he owes me 4960 on it), bought a couple five-figure watches and some designer suits, got a nicer apartment, tried every expensive booze that I could think of and flew my Dad around the country a little bit. Blew a lot of it on drugs too. So from 21 to 22 I pretty much fucked around, played video games (played so much Company of Heroes 2 I was ranked in the top 25 for North America, hours upon hours of it a day), wrote 200 pages of a book and spent money. Ended up with an even more nightmarish fentanyl addiction, tolerance equivalent to 1.5 grams (yes grams) of IV morphine a day. Ended up going into precipitated withdrawal, a hellish experience, and quit hardcore opiates for good. 2016 ended up taking 5 friends, including my best friend who worked on networking for us, and 3 family members from this world, various others have moved and or stopped speaking with me, a couple went to prison. After that fucking year I stopped doing so many drugs and threw my life into my current girlfriend.

    Which brings me to now. I'm 22 years old. I have around a quarter mil in variously liquid assets and no debt and I made about 20 grand last year in dividends, interest and appreciation. I have half of a college degree and where the final year got me nothing be Ds and Fs. I have an amazing girlfriend. I have eighteen dead friends and family members. I'm a smart guy blessed with many talents and a great if informal education. I'm restless, plagued by sad and bad dreams and have little motivation for self-improvement. I'm very good at a lot of different things but really have no preference toward any of them. I'm an ex-ridiculous-level-polydrug user and ex-opiate addict who hasn't had a job in almost a year. I have no direction in my life and have no idea what to do next, but feel very strongly I need to do something. I've never in my life been spinning my tires for this long. I fell like I need to get my life off my chest, and I need advice.

    I think part of the problem for most of my life I've been motivated by a feeling of "fuck you." By anger and righteous indignation. That's gone. All I've got left is a little love, some sadness, and a whole lot of shock. I don't feel things nearly as strongly as I used to, and it seems like every emotion has some sort of weight tied to it, dragging it quickly down to indifference.

    If you made it to the bottom, you have a metric fuckton of my thanks. You're the man, (or woman) you tha real MVP, you've got a helluva attention span and an apparently staggering amount of empathy. Hopefully you can send some life advice my way or even just point me to someone out there like whom I can glean a sense of direction from. <3
    Thank you.

    Tl;dr my life's an insane fucking whirlwind. Give me a lil direction or something.

  2. #2

    Default

    Jesus.

    That is one nightmarish tale. I mean there was a lot of success in it, but far more chaos and complete dysfunction. And you're only 22? Shit. I'm usually pretty good with the life advice, but I honestly am not sure what to tell you. I'll give it a go, though.

    You have just described a thoroughly self-centered, nihilistic, unfocused, bewildering, self-destructive, insane (to use your own word) roller coaster of a life. It seems that at no point anywhere in there have you been able to reach out and find anything to secure yourself, a branch to hold onto, a core reason to give your life meaning. It seems to me that, if you want the rest of your life to be any different from the first part of it, you need to find a way to give yourself that core meaning. You also might be in a position to do just that.

    You currently, besides your girlfriend, have no ties. You have more than a decent bank account. And you are no longer an addict. I'm going to suggest something radical, but hear me out. Consider doing some long-term volunteer work overseas. Africa or lower Asia perhaps. There is so much help that is needed in these places, and opportunities abound for people willing to give of themselves and their time. I had a student once who, when she graduated from high school, was pretty lost. She was unfocused, she did drugs, she had no real vision of herself in the future. When she graduated, she surprised herself and everyone by not going to college or even community college; instead, she went abroad to help others. I think she was volunteering with someone in west Africa, helping teach children English, at least at first, if memory serves. From there, she migrated to other places that needed her, eventually spending several years in southeast Asia. These years changed her, focused her, made her into a completely different person. They created within her a sense of true self that had not been there before, giving her the focus she needed to complete college and move on with her life. Today she is a much happier and better person for having spent that time volunteering.

    For her, the volunteer work—done between high school and college when she was unsure of where she stood in the world—was a huge gamble. For you, it would not be a gamble at all. You know you are capable of success and you know you have a nest egg to return to. But it would, if you chose to do it, provide you with the one thing that all of your past experiences do not seem to have built for you: character. As to your girlfriend? She could wait for you or she could do it to. What is rewarding for you would also be rewarding for her.

    So, OK, that is my suggestion. It's about as far outside of the box as I can reach, and as far as I can tell from reading your missive, you are desperately​ in need of getting out of the box.

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