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Thread: I was cheated on

  1. #1

    Default I was cheated on

    I haven't been here in a while due to work and just life being hectic. I've missed this site a lot, I just no longer need to feel little to cope. I still use my pacifier from time to time but I'm mostly no longer interested in ageplay.

    With that said, I don't really know where to go to talk about this.

    I'm in a long distance relationship wtih my bf for a little more than a year now and it was good. Then back in late January he told me he had feelings for a coworker/neighbor/friend. They live right across from each other and work at the same place.

    I told him many years ago that I was poly but wasn't interested in seeing two people for a while. But that if I did I wanted a triad where everyone was in a relationship with the other b/c that sounds really nice to me. He seemed to like that idea too but mostly just shrugged it off.

    Now back in January he told me he could see potential in this woman which basically means he had some feelings for her. I told him to go slow for my sake b/c I wasn't ready for all this yet when I haven't even been there physically with him yet.

    3 weeks after talking about this he comes to me and confesses that he kissed and groped her a few days after our conversation. He told me he thought he was going slow...but no. That's definitely not slow!

    I was in a skype call with both of them that night and yelled at both of them. When I was adjusting to all of this I was so kind to her, I wouldn't say "I loved him" with her in the call b/c I thought it'd make her uncomfortable and I didn't want that. I thought about both of their feelings more than mine and then they come back and cheat on me!!!

    He knew our limits, she knew I needed to go slow, NO ONE CARED!!!!!!! No one thought it was important to me that I could kiss him first....be with him first. No one gave 2 shits about me at all!!!!

    Fast forward to now and I'm trying to forgive them still. Its mostly oK now but I still feel so hurt over this. We're all trying this triad thing and me and this woman really do get along really well and she's got feelings for me....but I don't know if its going to advance onward for me. I don't know. Its too early to say.

    I'm supposed to visit May 17 for 2 weeks....we'll see how that goes.

    The other thing that really gets me is that when I complained about what they did to me to him he'd ALWAYS defend her! Who defended me? Who thought about me?

    He'd tell me they made a horrible mistake and that they weren't bad people and that they didn't deserve to be pushed down so much. But they fucking hurt me so fuckingbad! And he'd always tell me that she was crying and hurt and that I shouldn't be so mean.

    HE CALLED ME MEAN!!! ME!!!!

    I'm tired of all this shit. This visit is my last ditch effort of seeing if this can even work anymore. I'm still so hurt inside....am I wrong in any of this?

  2. #2

    Default

    Well if you already planned on being with 2 people I honestly don't see the problem that being said if you guys had an agreement they shouldn't of broke it.

  3. #3

    Default

    I wasn't with her. He told me he'd go slow if anything happened between them. I haven't even kissed him yet and she kissed him first. No one listened to me when I said things had to go slow or I couldn't do it. So instead they just made me cope wtih the aftermath.

    Polyamory is all about communication and they didn't listen to me. They didn't care. A big part of me hates them for that

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thinking about all of this makes me so fucking suicidal. Am I just not good enough?

  4. #4

    Default

    "going slow" and "me first" are two different things though. did you expressly tell him you wanted to be the first to grope or kiss? did you expressly tell him not to do anything with her?

    I know you had spoken with him about open relationships back in july as well, and to the best of my knowledge agreed to them together?

    maybe we are missing parts of the conversation, but it sounds like the three of you really need to work on clear communication, instead of throwing out words like "going slow" its a very subjective term.

    I would also mentioned that to him, you having a conversation about it, saying it was ok to have an interest in her, but to go slow, is saying yes you have permission, but dont be too hasty. I have been on at least a few first dates/encounters where the other party really wanted to have sex the first night...sooo to that mindset, It may well have been he was going slow.


    The big warning sign, in addition to more specific communication, that you should be looking at, is why he felt the need to keep this from you for weeks afterward?


    I dont think its a matter of self worth, I think its more in terms of what is more physically near.

  5. #5

    Default

    I think that having a relationship with two rather than one is going to eventually lead to hurt feelings. Out of the three, one person is likely to have less standing than the other two. It sounds like that person is you. I had it happen to me when I was in college and it eventually led to breaking away from my boyfriend. It was ruinous to me for the next year. Eventually he and I got back together and the relationship was a close one for just the two of us until the end of our college careers. We're still close friends to this day.

    It sounds like this relationship isn't working for you. Yes, you can try again, but it doesn't sound like he is very committed to you and that's an important element to the relationship you want with him. I hope you handle this better than I did. Keep your eyes open for someone better, someone who treats you with more respect, concern and hopefully, love. I feel for you.

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