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Thread: A broken shattered mind, a gashed hand, and a disposition for self harm

  1. #1

    Default A broken shattered mind, a gashed hand, and a disposition for self harm

    My mind is not exactly what I thought it was. It's possible, according to my therapist, that I may have a complete split personality AND borderline personality disorder. I've been having memory lapses and people telling me I haven't been acting normally (heh normal). The comment I made on a post that I didn't remember typing? Well I have a near perfect memory, so that's the issue. It's only when I become highly stressed do the memory lapses begin to become frequent. My wife said she witnessed a complete change in behavior and attitude. I think because I've tried to be everything to everyone for so long, that I've had so much trauma, I may have accidentally broken my mind. I'm hoping whatever this is, is not too far along so I can back peddle a bit. I need to avoid stressors at all costs.

    What makes me the most mad? Is that because I don't seem like the type or the person, no one believes in my actually diagnosed problems. I don't often see the issues until it becomes glaringly obvious. I tell people things as a warning so they might help me not lose myself. My mom takes it as me trying to control her but it's not my goal at all... I just do not want to lose myself permanently. Other possible things? Nervous breakdown, amnesia, and who knows what... So far it has been a minefield and a war in my own head. The mask I made to hide all of my pain fell off and now no one can believe I hurt as much as I do. I went for a drive the other day and just cried my eyes out with sunglasses on so no one could see me crying. I fear I may not be able to explain what's wrong before I lose who I am. That is what scares me the most. If you can't tell: the way I write, the way I speak, and the way I operate, are not at all the same. Recently I gained ambidextrous-ness... I felt my left hand be dominant even my watch felt like it was on the wrong side. I've always been right handed. I only had a slight ambidexterity before. Whether or not it is related to the possible split, I do not know but the fact is I can use both hands as though they were both dominant.

    It's difficult... even confusing when someone tells you what you did but there is no memory of it. Not due to a memory disorder but just a total blackout. The hyper sensitivity is what kills me the most... now maybe even literally. Every day I wake up and ask myself if I want to live or die and obviously I've been choosing life but some days the pills, the knife, the edge of a building... looks so tantalizing. I have back ups in place to prevent my own idealizations. My wife keeps me sane, when I am with her, nothing else matters. I feel at peace when I pray as well.

    As a conclusion to this, I want to ask that if you are a Christian to pray for me. For all of you though, what can I do to solve this without extreme measures? Talking it out with my therapist seems to be helping quite a bit. I've been on several different medications and had bad reactions (without thinking I would every single time, I'm not against meds) every single time. I want to try them again but I'm scared because they didn't write down what they gave me at the hospital and a lot of it was narcotic. I think they may have either forgotten or just lost the records but according to my doctor I haven't been on anything. I don't know about you but that's a bit scary when the 8 medications they tried weren't listed.

    Edit: My gashed hand is from a car hood slamming on my knuckle and peeling off skin.

  2. #2

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    You're not alone. Weird to hear myself saying that. I too suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I also have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm highly sensitive as well. I explain it to others using a Spinal Tap reference. My nerves are always jacked up, turned up to 11. While the average joe is maybe about a 5. My wife isn't sensitive like me at all! She misses subtleties and people's feelings quite often. I'm a self harmer as well. My legs look like a battlefield. I've got scars on top of scars and the impulse to hurt myself is never far way when stress is around. I fear I'll eventually die from suicide or just accidentally going too far. And meds? Counseling? Therapy has helped somewhat but no meds have ever worked. All SSRI meds make my symptoms worse. I finally started using legal cannabis and in conjunction with allowing my ABDL side more breathing room, I'm keeping it under control for now.

    I didn't mean to make this post all about me. I'm sorry, but maybe my story rings a bell with you. I'll help you out, you help me.

  3. #3

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    Hi Premetheus.

    I am sorry to hear that you are having problems, but I am also happy to hear that you are seeing a professional and finding things out.

    I can see how far you have come in the short time you have been a member.

    I know it is hard but keep up the good (hard) work.

    Egor

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tommycombs View Post
    You're not alone. Weird to hear myself saying that. I too suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I also have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm highly sensitive as well. I explain it to others using a Spinal Tap reference. My nerves are always jacked up, turned up to 11. While the average joe is maybe about a 5. My wife isn't sensitive like me at all! She misses subtleties and people's feelings quite often. I'm a self harmer as well. My legs look like a battlefield. I've got scars on top of scars and the impulse to hurt myself is never far way when stress is around. I fear I'll eventually die from suicide or just accidentally going too far. And meds? Counseling? Therapy has helped somewhat but no meds have ever worked. All SSRI meds make my symptoms worse. I finally started using legal cannabis and in conjunction with allowing my ABDL side more breathing room, I'm keeping it under control for now.

    I didn't mean to make this post all about me. I'm sorry, but maybe my story rings a bell with you. I'll help you out, you help me.
    Well just about everything rings a bell for me minus the medical pot because I would rather not associate myself because of the stigma. I'm sure it helps you and others though. I'm glad it does, I just can't bring myself to do it because a friend chose that over me and it made me feel... well not great. The only way to help each other really is to tell our stories. That's why I make lengthy posts so people know I have similar or the same issues so we can bond over them. It doesn't matter how old or young anyone is, people can suffer from these things at almost any age, it's just uncommon for some ages. I do hope I have helped you feel a bit less alone as well.

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    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    Hi Premetheus.

    I am sorry to hear that you are having problems, but I am also happy to hear that you are seeing a professional and finding things out.

    I can see how far you have come in the short time you have been a member.

    I know it is hard but keep up the good (hard) work.

    Egor
    I've been seeing a professional since I was 15, I still need more counseling it would seem. It does help a lot because this life has been severely taxing in such a short amount of time. I thank you and may other users for helping when they could and can.

  5. #5

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    I guess it's like that scene in Forrest Gump where Forrest and Bubba are sitting in the rain, leaning up against each other. Yeah, the cannabis is extremely helpful but I also acknowledge it doesn't work for everyone. The trick is finding relief with the least amount of negative side effects. Whatever that may be. Mental disorders are notoriously hard to medicate and very hit or miss. Man, I remember Paxil sending me on a scary trip I never want to experience again!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I think because I've tried to be everything to everyone for so long, that I've had so much trauma, I may have accidentally broken my mind. I'm hoping whatever this is, is not too far along so I can back peddle a bit. I need to avoid stressors at all costs.
    ****Warning/disclaimer. I am not a mental health professional nor do I play one on TV****

    I don't think you could have caused the issue, although stressors may bring it to the surface.



    As a conclusion to this, I want to ask that if you are a Christian to pray for me. For all of you though, what can I do to solve this without extreme measures? Talking it out with my therapist seems to be helping quite a bit. I've been on several different medications and had bad reactions (without thinking I would every single time, I'm not against meds) every single time. I want to try them again but I'm scared because they didn't write down what they gave me at the hospital and a lot of it was narcotic. I think they may have either forgotten or just lost the records but according to my doctor I haven't been on anything. I don't know about you but that's a bit scary when the 8 medications they tried weren't listed.

    Edit: My gashed hand is from a car hood slamming on my knuckle and peeling off skin.
    1. Done.

    2. I'd like to think your therapist would say something if he/she thought things were at a point that more intervention is needed.

    3. Yeah, disturbing. You'd like to think medical records were handled a little more rigorously, especially when it comes to things like your medications. I've been through some episodes chasing down medical records with Mrs. Maxx. Fortunately, she/we remember enough of what actually happened that we've been able to work around MIA documents.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tommycombs View Post
    I guess it's like that scene in Forrest Gump where Forrest and Bubba are sitting in the rain, leaning up against each other. Yeah, the cannabis is extremely helpful but I also acknowledge it doesn't work for everyone. The trick is finding relief with the least amount of negative side effects. Whatever that may be. Mental disorders are notoriously hard to medicate and very hit or miss. Man, I remember Paxil sending me on a scary trip I never want to experience again!
    They tried Ambien on me, I saw things that weren't there and heard noises that weren't real. Scariest thing I've experienced so far. That was only 10 mg too. Or they said it was at least.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    ****Warning/disclaimer. I am not a mental health professional nor do I play one on TV****

    I don't think you could have caused the issue, although stressors may bring it to the surface.



    1. Done.

    2. I'd like to think your therapist would say something if he/she thought things were at a point that more intervention is needed.

    3. Yeah, disturbing. You'd like to think medical records were handled a little more rigorously, especially when it comes to things like your medications. I've been through some episodes chasing down medical records with Mrs. Maxx. Fortunately, she/we remember enough of what actually happened that we've been able to work around MIA documents.
    1. It was caused by other things most likely, the stress does bring it out.

    2. Prayers are appreciated.

    3. You would think they would... but they don't unless you have a plan for suicide.

    4. The records are just... missing. They can't find anything except that I was on Prozac for about a month before that went downhill fast.

  8. #8

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    Zoloft made me hallucinate. Gave me really freaky anxiety attacks too. I get horrible PTSD and the first time I experienced a true flashback it absolutely frightened me. It was exactly like the old movie trope, with the traumatic scene flashing before your open eyes. It REALLY does do that! The memory triggered is so strong, in such high detail, that it literally blots out your ability to see the real world! It then flickers between the real world and the memory. Holy hell! I give my utmost sympathy for others with PTSD, war vets, etc.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tommycombs View Post
    Zoloft made me hallucinate. Gave me really freaky anxiety attacks too. I get horrible PTSD and the first time I experienced a true flashback it absolutely frightened me. It was exactly like the old movie trope, with the traumatic scene flashing before your open eyes. It REALLY does do that! The memory triggered is so strong, in such high detail, that it literally blots out your ability to see the real world! It then flickers between the real world and the memory. Holy hell! I give my utmost sympathy for others with PTSD, war vets, etc.
    I had that happen recently with a memory I did not want to remember at all. I forget if I've mentioned it here, but at the age of 11 I was raped by some guy when I was at a gas station on a family trip. I'm remembering more and more about it and it just makes my suicidal tendencies crawl back into my head. I feel so violated and so... confused as to how I could forget something so traumatic.

    Edit: I mean me being a guy... getting raped... its emasculating. I blame myself for staying in that public bathroom and not trying to run because I was so scared.

  10. #10

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    Sorry to bring that up then. I actually had to deal with a minor flashback just typing my story. It's rough dealing with a head that wont work sometimes.

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