Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Feeling dead on the inside

  1. #1

    Default Feeling dead on the inside

    I'd like to start out with that im just looking for suggestions and maybe guidance from someone who has been through the same thing and came out of it with some greater insight. I'm not looking for people suggesting me to go seek professional help. I dont have insurance nor can i afford to and do not wish to even if i had the resources at this point. Just looking for direction.

    Soo a little backstory of my progression to this point....

    Since the age of 12 around the time that my parents got divorced (it was for the best my dad was abusive to all us kids) i've felt like who i am has been fading away or dying. what makes me me slowly dissipating. I've always struggled with social anxiety but it was at this point i started dealing with very severe depression and tried to take my life. I of course failed and claimed it was an accident at the time.

    Moving forward. I started getting bullied alot in middle school, nothing was ever done to stop it despite my parents having countless meetings with the principle and councilors. Over this time grew a strong self hatred (which i know realize was probably due to all the bullying) from then until about 10th grade. The bullying finally stopped but was left hating who i was and socially isolating myself. Thus never really gaining good social skills most kids develop in school. during that period i was on many many many different meds for depression and anxiety.


    This made my life more of a struggle in many aspects. Struggled to make new friends after highschool. (most of my highschool friend distanced themselves from me) Struggled to find a job or even go out of the house due to my severe social anxiety.

    Finally landed a job at my moms work briefly (a vet clinic). i worked in the back walking dogs and cleaning kennels on the weekends (about 19 at this time). they stopped boarding on the weekends and i lost my job. around that time things went downhill very fast. starting hanging out with an old classmate and would smoke weed with him daily. not a big deal i still to this day see weed as harmless fun like drinking. but then my mom started threatening to kick me out after being caught a few times. and said if i didnt get a job i'd have to leave her house.

    Completely understandable. but me being under the impression that every job drug test this was a problem. This guy i would smoke with mentioned to me about k2 and how it doesnt show up on drug test. So i started smoking this fucking poison called K2 and became addicted very quickly.

    Its 100x more addictive then weed btw (basically a random plant sprayed with man made chemicals that mimic the are suppose to mimic the effects of weed. but in reality depending on how strong your batch is it can be 10x to 100x stronger and causing mental health issues such as symptoms similar to schizophrenia)

    I started to loose myself more and more everyday. one day i decide to OD on a batch a knew was super strong. That didnt happen... Instead i experienced drug induced psychosis. my ended up waking my mom up while in this state and my sister was able to shake me out of it. It left alot of damage though. I never felt the same.

    I felt like in a way i died that night and lost what made me me. There are times when my anxiety is very high and im experiencing a severe depressive episode i question if i'm really alive or if this is just some sick joke my mind is playing on me. that night though i saw how worried my family was about me. my sister constructed an intervention that same night and they voiced how worried they were about me. I quit k2 cold turkey and swore to never make another attempt on my life again after seeing how much pain i caused my family.

    Shortly after that my sister helped my get a job at the hotel she worked at. This was a very very huge challenge for me with just coming out of a state of psychosis along with my now even more severe anxiety. There were times i almost quit but stuck with it. 4 months later i got my drivers licences finally at 21. and a year later after getting the job and saving I bought my first car. then about 7 months ago i got my first apartment. moved in with a co worker. She has overall been a great roomate. yeah i know kind of weird a guy rooming with another girl who they are just friends with. but yeah....

    but wait lets backstep a bit. because i never would have gotten this far without my mom, who after my overdose with k2 i finally opened up to about everything that i was going through. with out giving out too much info she belongs to a center that could be called a part of the "New Age" movement/religion. Her beliefs helped me work through alot of self hatred as well as my own hatred for being a abdl which she is unaware of since she indirectly helped me through that. I started sharing alot of her "new age" beliefs, and this helped me grow alot and learn to love myself.

    The issue is. even with all this self acceptance I'm still suffering from a extreme lack of self confidence and an empty feeling. Ever since k2 even with all this self and spiritual growth i still feel dead inside. I tend to try to blame this world. Barely being able to support myself even with a roommate. this empty feeling has lead from a k2 addiction to alcoholism. My dad blamed all of his abuse on being an alcoholic. but i know thats just an excuse for him to try to excuse all he did. he barely drank. he was just a very angry person.

    I guess to finish this off. I just dont know where to go from this point. I've seen how much i've grown since k2 and my mom constantly reminds me of it. (idk what i'd do without her, dont know if i'd even be here without her.) but i'm still left with this void, this feeling of being dead even though im psychically here. Feeling alone even though i know all my family is here for me. I know they cant fix this though which makes me feel more empty. I get jealous and envious seeing all these happy people who are in relationships. while im left alone and feeling empty and dead. I just dont know what to do anymore. I just want so bad to feel alive. but each day i still feel like im dying more inside. losing who i once was.

  2. #2

    Default

    I've read your thread and understand what you're saying. I think this can happen to any of us as I've often felt that way. Sometimes, or oftentimes, life is boring. We do the same things over and over. Sometimes when I was driving to work, I felt like an ant in a long line of ants, working for the betterment of the anthill.

    I applaud you that you have pulled your life together from a very bad place. I've been in those kinds of bad places when I was young, and it can be difficult to move forward.

    When I turned 30, I felt like you, that I had gone as far as I could. I didn't accomplish goals I had set for myself and that was depressing. What I did do was find a different job, one that demanded more from me and different skills as well. My family moved and we started a new life. It wasn't easy, but both my wife and I grew with the move. I do have a rule that's don't quit your paying job before you find another one and hopefully, a better one.

    I'm not sure what would be best for you, but I now that having friends is important. Getting out and having some fun, fun that is healthy, is good for one's well being. Eventually we find someone who is significant in our lives, someone to share our lives with.

    Well, that's my advise and I realize it's sparse. With us humans, one size does not fit all. We each have to find our own way, and a way that fits our personalities. I hope you find yours.

  3. #3

    Default

    It's nice to read you want to feel alive. I think this is the most important thing. You have a strong urge to leave whatever emotional state you're in right now. If this NewAge stuff has helped you you might try something more neutral like mindfulness meditation. It has helped a lot of people. All you have to do is basically sit still and be very very mindful about anything that goes through your mind. That's the basic concept I guess but it's not that easy...There are classes or books on this.
    Plus, find some good friends. I know that sounds hard for a person who never really learned how. But try to find a class or something where you meet new people. People usually do these kinds of class 50% for the class and 50% for new people to meet. Maybe they're new in town or they want to date...then, bond with said friend and share. Sharing here is great but the feeling of telling someone eye to eye that you had a bad day is something completely different...
    btw you will never know how much damage this drug caused to your brain and mental health. So I wouldn't think about it too much...

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I've read your thread and understand what you're saying. I think this can happen to any of us as I've often felt that way. Sometimes, or oftentimes, life is boring. We do the same things over and over. Sometimes when I was driving to work, I felt like an ant in a long line of ants, working for the betterment of the anthill.

    I applaud you that you have pulled your life together from a very bad place. I've been in those kinds of bad places when I was young, and it can be difficult to move forward.

    When I turned 30, I felt like you, that I had gone as far as I could. I didn't accomplish goals I had set for myself and that was depressing. What I did do was find a different job, one that demanded more from me and different skills as well. My family moved and we started a new life. It wasn't easy, but both my wife and I grew with the move. I do have a rule that's don't quit your paying job before you find another one and hopefully, a better one.

    I'm not sure what would be best for you, but I now that having friends is important. Getting out and having some fun, fun that is healthy, is good for one's well being. Eventually we find someone who is significant in our lives, someone to share our lives with.

    Well, that's my advise and I realize it's sparse. With us humans, one size does not fit all. We each have to find our own way, and a way that fits our personalities. I hope you find yours.
    Thanks for the response dogboy. I know what you mean feeling like an ant in a long line of ants doing there job for the colony or in our case society, i just know there has to be more then that though I truly believe there is more to life then working to pay bills and die. What that is for me i havent found yet but i've been searching for a long time now.

    I do wish to leave me job and find a better job, but i know to find another job first, it looks better that way when applying elsewhere as well as its the smart thing to do. I just know college isnt my thing and am kind of lost of where to go from this point.

    As far as friends go i've been trying I'm just very selective with my friends because ive had so many shitty friends in the past. My roommate i live with now is the first true and good friend i've had in a long time. Family is very important to me as well. I spend alot of time hanging out with my sister and going to concerts. I hope to find that significant other its just feels insanely impossible at this point so far. Not saying im giving up all hope on that it just seems like it would take a miracle for that to happen, since i feel very awkward talking to people in person unless i've known them for a while or they push themselves on me to the point i cant ignore them. thats how i became friends with my current roommate. she really pushed to get to know me because she thought i was cute. that doesnt happen often though and her relationship situation is a bit... complicated right now....

    After k2 it feels like i'm pretty much a toddler but not in the ABDL sense haha. I feel like im having to learn who i am again, how to gain the social skills i never gained, i am pushing for it its just a constant struggle because most people my age have at least decent social skills they gained in school.



    Quote Originally Posted by pampersguy View Post
    It's nice to read you want to feel alive. I think this is the most important thing. You have a strong urge to leave whatever emotional state you're in right now. If this NewAge stuff has helped you you might try something more neutral like mindfulness meditation. It has helped a lot of people. All you have to do is basically sit still and be very very mindful about anything that goes through your mind. That's the basic concept I guess but it's not that easy...There are classes or books on this.
    Plus, find some good friends. I know that sounds hard for a person who never really learned how. But try to find a class or something where you meet new people. People usually do these kinds of class 50% for the class and 50% for new people to meet. Maybe they're new in town or they want to date...then, bond with said friend and share. Sharing here is great but the feeling of telling someone eye to eye that you had a bad day is something completely different...
    btw you will never know how much damage this drug caused to your brain and mental health. So I wouldn't think about it too much...
    I've meditated ever since i quit k2, it was one of the first things my mom got me to try to try to clear out those dark thoughts, and feeling like someone else was in my head. At the time it did help alot while my brain was healing but now i feel sometimes meditation helps to a point but doesnt always work for me. It does help with my anxiety quite a bit. but doesnt fix that empty feeling i have. I wasnt aware there were classes for meditation though I may have to look into that it may bee a good way like you said to meet someone with similar views as well. also i know what you mean about talking eye to eye. i find it insanely hard to voice my thoughts and feelings in front of someone, i find it hard to find the right words to explain myself but I can do it very clearly and easy when i type it out. as far as not focusing on what damage the drugs did. haha trust me that was the first thing i had to learn on my journey after k2 i was so focused on the fact that i was mental ill and trying to self diagnosis myself i became obsessed with that fact that i was ill and that the damage was permanent. https://www.facebook.com/safe4emily/ Emily became an inspiration for me. She pushed and is still making progress from much more severe damage then me. When i had my overdoses was around the same time she had hers. she was much worse of then me but still pushed to recover. I root for her progress every day. Without her fight idk if i would have found the hope for myself to get better

  5. #5

    Default

    I was thinking, even if college isn't for you, junior colleges also teach skills such as welding, tile laying and all sorts of things. I've spent half my life taking single courses while I worked full time. Sometimes taking a random course simply because it sounds interesting can be a fun thing to do. Anyway, it's just a thought.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by DprEffect View Post
    also i know what you mean about talking eye to eye. i find it insanely hard to voice my thoughts and feelings in front of someone, i find it hard to find the right words to explain myself but I can do it very clearly and easy when i type it out.
    It's not only hard for you but for almost everyone I think! Sure, I can do smalltalk with anyone but sharing real thoughts and emotions? Really hard. And I get the thing with spoken words vs written words. That's why I like to write letters sometimes. It's nice bc I can chose my words carefully and the recipient will feel cherished that I put in the time and effort to actually write a real letter.

    Another question: Do you like sports? I've experienced that when I work out regularly I feel much better in general. Feeling healthier and looking better is a nice bonus too. Anything will help here and is better than nothing!

Similar Threads

  1. Anybody here been to see Inside Out?
    By BlueSky in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-Sep-2015, 12:15
  2. Inside Out
    By egor in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 27-Jun-2015, 00:30
  3. Dont Dead Open Inside
    By Fire2box in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 15-Nov-2013, 01:25

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.