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Thread: "I can't keep denying it"

  1. #1

    Default "I can't keep denying it"

    God, being transgender is driving me mental, I can't keep denying it from myself, it's driving me mental.

    I'm unintentionally repressing myself, and it's driving me mental, no wonder I'm suicidal all the time, I hate suppressing myself.

    To be honest with you, my body parts not matching my gender is driving me mental.

    I can't keep living the lie of being male any longer, I'm a female and it's driving me bat shit insane hiding this from myself.

    Having the wrong body parts is driving me mental, no matter how much I Keep denying or suppressing it from myself, it never works.

    Diapers help me mentally with hiding the fact I've got the wrong body parts, maybe that's what drew me to diapers in the first place.

    I'm a girl, and I Keep denying that, I'm trying to pass off as "male" but I'm not and it's causing some distress.

    I DOn't know what to do, this is a major factor in my issues, other than what's going on at home, I've had a small break to try connect with myself, and work out who I am.

    Is it normal to want to literally cut my male parts off? diapers help mask that but honestly I want my male parts GONE i want to "physically" match before it's too late.

    sorry, but jesus chirst, this is driving me mental, never had a "inner" crisis like this before.

  2. #2

    Default

    For me, being TG has been a similar experience. I describe having the wrong anatomy as being somewhat like an amputee experiencing phantom limb syndrome -- the brain's map of the body's layout doesn't match what's physically there, and that alone causes distress. But with TG it's just the tip of the iceberg. There's the whole social aspect, having to learn how to "act appropriately" to one's perceived gender -- for the MtF, learning not to cry, not to show emotion, not to be overeager to comfort someone else (it will be interpreted as a sexual advance), to keep hands in pockets to avoid gesturing too much, to rephrase things so that they sound less emotive and more casual, etc, etc. It's playing a role that feels forced upon, and after playing a role your whole life it becomes very hard to recover your true self -- you forget who you are because unlike your cisgendered peers, you haven't been exploring and getting to know yourself as you've grown up, you've done the opposite. It takes time and effort to gradually shed the persona you've constructed to "fit in" and get by, to discover your real self underneath... but the longer it is repressed, the louder it will scream.

    *hugs* I had to reach a crisis point myself where I just couldn't ignore it any longer and knew I had to do something. But it's a long road... and in the beginning it truly felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me and everything was in freefall. It's a strange thing to realize you scarcely know yourself because you've never really expressed it.

  3. #3

    Default

    Binary, it is obvious to me you are pleading for help. I am not medically trained, but I will offer what I can.
    First read this article (follow the indicated path to it)
    FORUM --) ARTICLES --) ABOUT ADISC --) SUICIDE HOT LINES ( may not be the exact name but it should be the first article listed or very close to it. )
    Second, don't be afraid to call one of the hot lines for help. It may help if you will read your post to them, and even though just a talk with them may be all you need at this time, write down any information they give you ( HINT: have paper, pens, pencils, etc., on hand before you call them. ) and then follow their instructions. There is also a Transgender help number listed in the article. Call them also and write down any information they give you. There may be several phone numbers given you during each call, so be sure to write them down, along with a general description as to who and what the numbers are for.
    DO THESE THINGS NOW, I IMPLORE YOU.
    Lots of huggles and warm fuzzies to you, and the best of luck on your journey. It will not be easy.
    THIRD. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

  4. #4

    Default

    I feel the same way at times but I remember that the male body parts will be gone in a few years when they introduce the cheek cell gas

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Binary View Post
    God, being transgender is driving me mental, I can't keep denying it from myself, it's driving me mental.

    I'm unintentionally repressing myself, and it's driving me mental, no wonder I'm suicidal all the time, I hate suppressing myself.

    To be honest with you, my body parts not matching my gender is driving me mental.

    I can't keep living the lie of being male any longer, I'm a female and it's driving me bat shit insane hiding this from myself.

    Having the wrong body parts is driving me mental, no matter how much I Keep denying or suppressing it from myself, it never works.

    Diapers help me mentally with hiding the fact I've got the wrong body parts, maybe that's what drew me to diapers in the first place.

    I'm a girl, and I Keep denying that, I'm trying to pass off as "male" but I'm not and it's causing some distress.

    I DOn't know what to do, this is a major factor in my issues, other than what's going on at home, I've had a small break to try connect with myself, and work out who I am.

    Is it normal to want to literally cut my male parts off? diapers help mask that but honestly I want my male parts GONE i want to "physically" match before it's too late.

    sorry, but jesus chirst, this is driving me mental, never had a "inner" crisis like this before.
    Ok is there a transgender center near you . I'm not Shure what you have down under.
    In the us we have them secaterd all over .
    That may be your best bet.

  6. #6

    Default

    Binary,

    What you're feeling is not uncommon. You need to find somebody to talk to who has been there. ADISC is great, but it's not really all that focused on TG and Gender Identity issues. There are many sites that ARE focused on Gender Identity issues, where you can find people who have been where you are, and can help you find your way through.

    One such place is http://www.lauras-playground.com/It only takes a few moments to register, and then there is a treasure trove of useful information and support for you. I only recently re-joined the website, but they are as active and supportive as ever.

  7. #7
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by BritneyShagwell View Post
    Binary,

    What you're feeling is not uncommon. You need to find somebody to talk to who has been there. ADISC is great, but it's not really all that focused on TG and Gender Identity issues. There are many sites that ARE focused on Gender Identity issues, where you can find people who have been where you are, and can help you find your way through.

    One such place is http://www.lauras-playground.com/It only takes a few moments to register, and then there is a treasure trove of useful information and support for you. I only recently re-joined the website, but they are as active and supportive as ever.
    I used to go there, I can vouch for it. I feel like the site has changed quite substantially though since the last time I been there XD.

  8. #8

    Default

    I'm sorry to see you're going through this. While I myself am not transgendered, my new sister is. SHE has told me that after coming out of the injustices, difficulties, and hardships she has gone through so far (even before her SRS). Oh and she and the ACLU are heading a major lawsuit again a big bulk food "club" you need a membership too.

    And through all of it, being true to herself through all of this has been less stressful to here than before she came out. With this in mind, I'd have to recommend that before all else, you stay truthful with yourself first. It is time for you to start seeing a transgender therapist.

  9. #9

    Default

    So many of us have been there, Binary. I know I was there many, many times before I finally succumbed to the pain. (Somehow I managed to suppress it for years, but it is strong; our gender is too intrinsic a part of who we are to be held down.) But I will tell you a couple of things I learned through hard life battles and therapy: you are a girl. That's a fundamental truth, not just a statement you need to keep telling yourself, and what is on the outside doesn't matter one bit. That being said, I was like you: I just wanted that stuff gone. All my life. I can't tell you the number of times I stood in the shower, having tucked everything behind, staring at my smoothness, wishing desperately that this would be what it was always like. But I discovered, when I finally went to have surgery, that there was a purpose for the damned thing after all: without it, the doctor could not create a vagina. Personally, I never had much of one (for which I was always grateful), but that was actually, in the end, a mixed blessing: not as much to invert. So even the very worst part of you right now has value. And you have great value; you need to recognize that.

    At 19, I believed utterly that I could never have surgery. That's why I made the decision to live my life as the best facsimile of a man as I could. I did a decent job: my heart was in my life, if not my alleged manhood, because I was doing something I loved. But even so, I could not hold on. A decade later I began what was to be a decade of collapse leading to transition. I risked everything: my marriage, my career, everything, because I had to. Some things stayed intact; some didn't. Life went on, and I was myself as I could not have imagined being at 19. Somewhere in there I made a vow to myself, and I recommend that you make the same one: when I go to my grave, I'm going there as a woman. Fate had robbed me of so much, but I was not going to let it rob me of the chance to live as the female I knew I was: somehow I was going to make it happen. For me, it took until I was 40. For you, who knows? Maybe you'll be 21. But we're sisters, you and I, so I know: it will happen.

    Slomo is right: find a good transgender therapist, someone who is knowledgable in this area and can help guide you along the way. You should be able to do so. I don't know where you are; someone above suggested you're Down Under, and that's fine: there should be plenty to find there, and you have socialized medicine. Start seeing someone as soon as possible. It's important. And there are a couple of good websites I might point you to: tsroadmap.com comes to mind for plentiful information, and transsexual.org for a simple, friendly format and general answers to common questions.

    Oh, and Slomo and others? No biggie, but it's "transgender," not "transgendered." :-)
    Last edited by kerry; 05-Apr-2017 at 22:55.

  10. #10

    Default

    Hi Binary, I can feel your anguish from your post and really glad you have reached out for help. You do need to get some help with your identity and the first step is to take a breathe and start your journey. Where it leads I do not know, only you can find your destination and the stops along the way. I have found some resources down under that you may wish to take a look at. I thoroughly recommend speaking with people in the know, it really helps to have someone ask the right questions. As I do not know where exactly you are, I searched Aus in general. Hope these help get you started.

    http://au.reachout.com/lgbtiq-support-services

    http://www.transgendervictoria.com/what-we-do/resources

    http://www.atsaq.com/new-links-support.html

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