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Thread: Need some advice....

  1. #1

    Default Need some advice....

    So, a little history... My family is one messed up live tv drama show... minus the tv part. My father is a Minister and my mother just goes along with him...

    Recently they have become more hostile, questioning my every decision. For instance. At the current moment, I am staying with a friend. Well more like his grandparents house. I consider them extended family, because when I lost my truck driving job, they invited me to stay with them. Grow some roots and save up for my own place, car etc. I am very grateful. However, my parents thought my friend was trying to get me into unlawful activities. (Based off looks) They've asked me questions like can you really trust him and so on so forth.

    Then my father started late night texting.... (FUN)

    Our relationship has been withering away and there is no end in sight.

    Fast forward to today. My father send me a very vague text... Apologizing for paying 36K to adopt me and my sister, and putting a roof over our heads. (Followed by) I am done with all this. (Meaning dealing with me)

    I wasn't a perfect child and we've had our moments. But this relationship is not good for my mental health. I have anxiety as it is and should not get worried about things as it just gets worse.

    I had this long conversation with him and he started to backtrack the moment I mentioned being done putting up with his crap. I know its hard to give advice with only one side of the story but without revealing details this is what I've decided to post.

    So my question is this.. Should I follow through with my mindful thinking and stop this harmful relationship or continue down this dark path? I realize that they are parents after all and want me to see the whole picture, but Im getting tired of it.

    Whats your input?

    Thanks ~MAX~

  2. #2

    Default

    You are 26, not living in their house, and recognize it as a harmful relationship. What is there to question? Are there any pros to maintaining the relationship?

  3. #3

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    Relationships are difficult. Even on the outside looking in, what appears to be a good family relationship isn't really always the case. We all struggle, we are all human and we all make mistakes. We all do and say things that we really don't mean. I constantly remind my kids, in the end all we have is family. Family is and should be the center of who we are. Friends come and go, however family shouldn't. We must be willing to work on our family relationships, even as imperfect as they are. You stated that you weren't the perfect child, so maybe that is an area that you can look at and work on. Mend the fence that is your family, don't destroy it. Regret is one of the biggest contributors to anxiety. Take the time in a public place and have a personal conversation with your father. Be open about your concerns and struggles. I think you will be surprised at his understanding...he too is human and probably has his own challenges, or has some personal experiences that he doesn't want to see repeated by you. Good Luck...build the bridge of a stronger relationship and yes, it may take a little time but it will be worth it!

  4. #4

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    Here is my input.

    take time, let them know that you value them, but that you understand if he feels he needs to distance himself from you.

    It is his failing, and not yours, it is reasonable to excise that from your life for a time, you can always renew the relationship once your in a better place mentally and vivaciously. Sometimes we cant always understand why the ones we love do, or say the things that they do, part of it, is that they themselves only know themselves so well. he is reaching out to you in his own way, letting you know that he cares enough about you to tell you these things, rather then just ignore you.

    It sounds like your already swimming for yourself by being in an environment that will aid you in growing your roots.
    I don't know what the environment is like in reality, but building a foundation for yourself, is a key facet of mental stability and inter-personal stability.


    It's not really fair for me to say, as I dont know either of you, or what events have taken place, I dont think you should write him out of your life forever though

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by LilMaximus View Post
    So, a little history... My family is one messed up live tv drama show... minus the tv part. My father is a Minister and my mother just goes along with him...

    Recently they have become more hostile, questioning my every decision. For instance. At the current moment, I am staying with a friend. Well more like his grandparents house. I consider them extended family, because when I lost my truck driving job, they invited me to stay with them. Grow some roots and save up for my own place, car etc. I am very grateful. However, my parents thought my friend was trying to get me into unlawful activities. (Based off looks) They've asked me questions like can you really trust him and so on so forth.

    Then my father started late night texting.... (FUN)

    Our relationship has been withering away and there is no end in sight.

    Fast forward to today. My father send me a very vague text... Apologizing for paying 36K to adopt me and my sister, and putting a roof over our heads. (Followed by) I am done with all this. (Meaning dealing with me)

    I wasn't a perfect child and we've had our moments. But this relationship is not good for my mental health. I have anxiety as it is and should not get worried about things as it just gets worse.

    I had this long conversation with him and he started to backtrack the moment I mentioned being done putting up with his crap. I know its hard to give advice with only one side of the story but without revealing details this is what I've decided to post.

    So my question is this.. Should I follow through with my mindful thinking and stop this harmful relationship or continue down this dark path? I realize that they are parents after all and want me to see the whole picture, but Im getting tired of it.

    Whats your input?

    Thanks ~MAX~
    I think bringing the money into the situation is kind of f'd up, personally. You don't adopt a kid, then thrust the cost of the adoption in their face years later when you're mad. Seriously. Adoption is a selfless act. You don't adopt a kid and expect ANYTHING in return.

    Family is important. Family are also just other people. Sometimes you have to cut other people out if they're poison. The ONLY reason you're giving it a second thought is because it's your family.

    I truly hope you can make it work with your parents. It sounds like things were said that perhaps shouldn't have been, or said in the heat of the moment. I hope you can all heal from that. Every avenue should be taken to try and mend/maintain that relationship.

    I also fully trust that you know your own limits, and can make the proper decision, regardless of how easy or hard that decision is to make. Make sure you save the hard decision as your last-ditch effort. Also, that decision doesn't have to be forever.

    Good luck friend.

  6. #6

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    Please don't kill me for saying any of this as it is my opinion. A lot of people that tell me that their mother or father tried to raise them to be Christian will try and tell me that religion is harmful. I am a Christian and an adult little. I do AB regression to deal with my disability of autism. I firmly believe that you must find your own path regardless of your beliefs. I encourage you to question your parents beliefs and decide on what you believe about the Bible because your parents are probably not living out their faith as they probably should. They are not showing love and their words mean nothing. Hateful words don't solve anything either. I leave you with this verse in hopes that you will find comfort in these words.
    .


    1 Corinthians 13:4-8English Standard Version (ESV)
    4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

  7. #7

    Default

    I think I would have texted back, hey, I think putting "I wasted $36,000 on my adopted kid" would be a nice headliner for his church bulletin. Sometimes I just have to shake my head at what people and especially ministers will say.

    Anyway, what I really would do would be to try and smooth things out, and then put some emotional distance between you and him. Obviously, there must be a lot of water that's gone over the dam that none of us know about. This sounds like a lifetime of problems and disappointments. The best thing you can do is get another job if you haven't already, and live your life. Sooner or later, we all leave the nest. After a few years, we begin to appreciate our family a little more, unless it's a very toxic family relationship. When that happens, you just have to distance yourself so that you can remain emotionally healthy.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I think I would have texted back, hey, I think putting "I wasted $36,000 on my adopted kid" would be a nice headliner for his church bulletin. Sometimes I just have to shake my head at what people and especially ministers will say.

    Anyway, what I really would do would be to try and smooth things out, and then put some emotional distance between you and him. Obviously, there must be a lot of water that's gone over the dam that none of us know about. This sounds like a lifetime of problems and disappointments. The best thing you can do is get another job if you haven't already, and live your life. Sooner or later, we all leave the nest. After a few years, we begin to appreciate our family a little more, unless it's a very toxic family relationship. When that happens, you just have to distance yourself so that you can remain emotionally healthy.
    All this, well put.

  9. #9

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    Drop them. I did that with my father when I was 18, and haven't cared to try and reconnect with him once. He was a real downer, and even slightly abusive. Not knowing or seeing him has made me a happier person.

  10. #10

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    Yes, he is being extremely selfish, and his bringing your "cost" into things implies that he thinks of you and your siblings as having been an investment more than your value as a person. Reply to his "I'm done with all this" with aomething like "Good, because I am too, goobye." Then show that you are fully serious and stop replying full stop. Maybe he'll come around after a few months or longer, maybe not.

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