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Thread: How to tell your partner you are an ABDL?

  1. #1

    Unhappy How to tell your partner you are an ABDL?

    Okay, I'm not in a relationship yet but I've been getting along very well with this girl for quite a few months and I can tell we're going to be dating soon. We're just getting past that awkward "do I ask first?" Stage.

    She's everything I want in a partner and is into everything I'm into (besides the obvious). She doesn't know I have pacifiers (even though my entire family know I do). I've said many times before (so sorry if this is getting repetitive) I have special needs (and in fact, she has some of the disabilities that I have) and have things that help me. I have sippy cups and special cutlery and guard rails on my bed etc. She knows about this and doesn't care. We're both obsessed with onesies so I can get away with wearing my childish footed onesie around her without her questioning me. She's seen my nursery mobiles above my bed and think they're adorable.

    Now, if this relationship happens and it's working. When do I tell her I'm an ABDL... should I even tell her?

    I wouldn't ask her to join in and be my "mummy" or anything. I wouldn't push it in her face and start popping out pacifiers and bottles randomly around her.

    Being worried about this is a new one to me. I've gone through 3 relationships so far and I didn't truly accept my ABDL side (nor knew what it was) when I dated those girls so I wasn't worried about them finding out or having to "come out" to them about it.

    Do I slowly tell Her? Do I drop hints? How long should I wait in a relationship?

    Should I first tell her I have pacifiers and see how she takes that? I only told my first ever girlfriend about that and she didn't take it well or bad tbh. She just kinda said "okay". She's my best friend now and she doesn't mention it or anything so... I don't know.

    I'm really panicking because I find it really hard to lie. I like being open and honest in relationship.

  2. #2


    Not to brush you off, but this topic has come up MANY times (even as recently as last friday). I highly recommend you do a search here, and start reading. There have been literally thousands of advice replies for this already, so no point in beating a dead horse right.

    And the general consensus is; yes you absolutely need to tell her. Just make sure you understand this yourself, and know what you're going to say to her, before hand.

  3. #3


    What slomo said.

    Take it slow and careful.

    Communication is important, but on this topic it would be down the list. Get to really know here first, then bring it up when you feel comfortable, and it is something that needs to be discussed.

  4. #4


    Hi BabyKai, thanks for asking. As Slomo mentioned, this can be a common question, but I actually think it's a really good one to ask because everyone has slightly different desires and experiences with ABDL, and those differences affect when and how you'll want to bring it up for a partner. For example, for me, diapers are such a major part of sexual arousal for me that I've made the decision that I have to tell a partner about it before trying to have sex with them. On the other hand, a different ABDL who only wears a couple times a month and sees diapers as a chance to relax and age regress might have totally different needs and consequently a different time and method of telling.

    Which brings up your case. I'd actually like a little more info to decide what advice to give you, but I can point out a few things here and make some general suggestions. First, the things that stand out to me in your post are
    1) you don't want a partner to participate in baby play, you just want them to know that it's a thing you like
    2) You mentioned that you're panicking a bit and don't like to lie.

    That combo is really hard to tell. If you feel like the fact that you're keeping a secret makes it difficult for you to emotionally connect with another person and leads to you acting cold, anxious, or distant, then you might want to lean towards telling earlier. Say after several dates when you're starting to connect more closely and feel that you've having trouble holding this thing back. On the other hand, if it's not something that's a big deal for you and the relationship can go on perfectly fine at both an emotional and physical level without any need to baby stuff to come up at all, you could wait much longer, possibly several months if you just never see a good time to bring it up (though be careful that it doesn't become a case of the person being mad at you for keeping secrets for a long time regardless of what the secret itself is. If you get close enough to someone that you're talking about being able to share anything with them, ABDL is included under "anything.")

    The followup I'd want to ask includes the following.
    1) How often do you wear diapers and what kind of play do you do in them?
    2) Is it sexual, relaxation, regress, or some combination of things and in what proportions?
    3) Do you feel that you eventually need diapers to be part of a happy sex life?
    4) How much does the feeling of guilt/lying/keeping secrets bug you and how is it affecting the way that you deal with people?
    5) What would you eventually like to do around a partner if they were comfortable? Would you like to hang out with them while you've got a diaper on? Have a plushie in bed with you? Drink from a bottle once in a while even if they're around?

    Also, a few general tips for how to tell. Hints never work. If you think you're being subtle, the other person who has no idea will take it as downright cryptic or miss it entirely. If you want to test the waters, ask them about their general opinions on kinks and different types of sex, as well as their thoughts on LGBT+ stuff. It's not all identical, but if a person is relatively open sexually, it's usually a sign that they'll take ABDL stuff more in stride. Otherwise, I think you just tell them. My general recommendation for telling is to have some kind of opening statement that gets them in the right mindset. I always recommend telling the person that you've got something private you want to talk about, or something unusual depending what terminology you like, and ask them if it's a good time to have that conversation. If they say no, then you can plan something later when it's a better time. If they say yes, then they'll be ready to take in some new information and will be far less likely to freak out. I'd also suggest doing it somewhere private. A crowded restaurant where it's hard to hear is obviously bad, but even someplace public can be awkward if you get embarrassed and worry about people overhearing. A quiet walk in the park can be a good place, or sitting on a bench somewhere with not too many people around, or at someone's home (though be really careful bringing up unusual sexual stuff with a person who's at your home, it can intimidate people unintentionally).

    The actual explanation can vary too, depending on the person. Some people who are more analytical will appreciate it if you give them sources and info to look up (stuff like ADISC and Other people will be overwhelmed by that sort of data dump and it's better if you just explain a little bit and give them a chance to ask questions and go slowly. Really depends on the type of person. Again, being general, I think telling someone in very simple terms what you do and why you're sharing it is the best way. Here's an example that I've used myself: "I like to wear diapers, and sometimes to pretend that I'm younger than my real age. It's something I find relaxing and enjoyable, and it's also sexual for me. I wanted to tell you because I feel like we're getting close to each other, and this is something that's important to me to have as some part of my life, though it can be a bigger or smaller part at different times."

    So, that's my initial thoughts. Definitely provide more info, and I think we can be more specifically helpful too.

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