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Thread: Leaving Indefinitely

  1. #1
    MarchinBunny

    Default Leaving Indefinitely

    So I have come to a final decision on the matter and I will be leaving ADISC indefinitely. I am going to close my account soonish.

    If you want to continue to be in contact with me, we can exchange alternative means to communicate, just pm me if you want. Although, I would advise against it because ... let's be honest ... I am not a good person and I am not worth anyone's time. I ruin friendships I have with others because I am a fucking idiot. I finally get 1 person to start talking to me again and just end up having it all happen again but with a different person. There is something so seriously wrong with me. I hate myself so much.

    Well, it is what it is. I can't keep crying about every time I mess up, so I'm just going to run away as far as I can so I can't mess up and the tears and pain will never occur. I did it before and I will do it again. Maybe even at some point I will just cast aside all my emotions too. Go back to the person when I hated everyone and everything. Then maybe I will drive everyone away so I can finally end my life with no one trying to stop me by telling me they care.

  2. #2

    Default

    Shy bug doesn't want you to leaves, I like seeing you around on the forum.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post
    [...]
    Take a deep breath and relax... you have an illness that desperately needs professional treatment... it's not a character or personality defect - that you convince yourself of...

    Would you take this stance for yourself if, you had say diabetes or a heart condition... a broken leg or arm?

    No... you would not...

    You know what your resources are - use them!

    We'll be here to sign your cast... once you get the fracture properly set...


    *you elicited my response... you should feel a bit better now - it's a temporary soother*

    Get help babes - seriously...

    With you still... and, my self-preservation still... Your move...

    -Marka

  4. #4

    Default

    Marchin,

    We've never personally talked, but I've always enjoyed your input on the forum (I'm a bit of a lurker). I obviously don't know much about you, your situation, what have you. I can't say these feelings of self hate you're having will certainly go away, and I can't say that anything will certainly get better. In fact, nothing is certain. What I can tell you is I've had suicidal thoughts many a time, and I have one way of coping with them that hasn't failed me yet: telling myself that nothing, except death, is certain. So if you can muster even an iota of will to keep going, do it. Death comes for us all, and each day is an infinite amount of possibilities, and I don't mean that in the cheesy way. With opportunities of happiness come opportunities of pain.

    Obviously opportunities for pain are just as numerous as any other, but think about this. Every day you're alive, you have a chance, however small, to experience happiness. More importantly, at least for me, are the possibilities to positivley influence someone else's life. I can definetly relate to your observation that other people just don't stick around in life. What keeps me going, despite that, are these possibilities. If I can make someone else's day just a little better, in even the smallest of ways, or experience just a brief moment of calm or bliss, then that day of living was worth it.

    Death means the end of any possibility. It is final in every conceivable sense. After death, there is no opportunity for happiness, bliss, contentment, helping others, or personal growth. No matter how small they are now, they are not nonzero chances.

    No matter what, I'm rooting for you.

  5. #5

    Default

    You are not a bad person. Being social is hard sometimes. People don't always agree with everything you're going to say.

    My best friend from high school has some kind of mystery grudge against me. He never told me what it was, and he doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't recall specifically doing anything wrong.

    Sometimes friendships end for really dumb reasons.

  6. #6
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    Take a deep breath and relax... you have an illness that desperately needs professional treatment... it's not a character or personality defect - that you convince yourself of...

    Would you take this stance for yourself if, you had say diabetes or a heart condition... a broken leg or arm?

    No... you would not...
    So, ask yourself the same question then. If it's not a character or personality defect and is some sort of illness or some shit, then how come it's not treated as such by others? If someone has a broken leg or arm, the issues it causes doesn't cause people to walk away from them. People continually help during those times, right?

    But here I have an "illness" that drives people away. It even drove you away. So to me what you just said, is just you blowing hot air.



    You know what your resources are - use them!
    Yes, and once I do and there isn't any way to get professional help with the resources ... then what? I guess we will come to that cross road sooner or later, but I think it's pretty dang obvious that is what is going to occur. It's not like I am just going to randomly come across a free psychologist. The resources I may have access to are maybe talking groups or what not and it's unlikely going to be specifically for the issues we are currently speaking about. The town I live in is small, you have seen the map. I have no car, my foot is still red on the side and slightly swollen (though I think it has gotten better ... I think, it's so hard to tell).



    We'll be here to sign your cast... once you get the fracture properly set...
    Right, but until then ... it's pretty much, "I want nothing to do with you till you get fixed and behave normally and you shall be ignored".



    *you elicited my response... you should feel a bit better now - it's a temporary soother*
    No, I don't feel better. How on earth do you expect me to feel better after all this shit? Of course I don't feel better. Everything here has just made me feel worse than I have ever felt before, because I get involved with people who act like they are so high and mighty and make bold claims of wanting to help but then they fall short where it really counts.



    Get help babes - seriously...

    With you still... and, my self-preservation still... Your move...

    -Marka
    Yes, it is my move and this is good bye. It's over. The damage has been done and there is nothing that is going to change it.
    Even if I do end up getting help, I will remember those who tossed me aside when I needed them the most.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post
    [...]

    As long as you've got all of the answers...
    What is the solution?
    You talk about offing yourself and, throwing us all to the curb... but, you won't use the phone or get a ride from your surrogate family... you keep sitting on your foot for hours at a time - of course it hurts!
    Nobody can do the work for you... no matter how well meaning or how determined they may be!
    You can say how I or, anyone else - here or otherwise... are worthless fuck-ups (thank you for that btw)
    Yet, you will not take a single step! Go upstairs and talk to those people!
    It is only your choice of actions period... you can go on about all the rest of those worthless, fake, high and mighty, etc, etc... all the rest of your life... you will not make any progress until you take action... I mean, move your body and speak... the water is all around you yet, you risk dying of thirst because, the water is too shiny or, there is a bug floating by or, it's too cold or, not the right color, someone is stirring their foot in it... stoop down, scoop up a handful and drink already!
    By your own admission - what have you got to loose?

  8. #8
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    As long as you've got all of the answers...
    What is the solution?
    There is no actual solution that is yet known for certain. There are ideas and possible solutions of which have to be tried first.



    You talk about offing yourself and, throwing us all to the curb... but, you won't use the phone or get a ride from your surrogate family... you keep sitting on your foot for hours at a time - of course it hurts!
    And the issue here is you do not understand.Yep, I will not use the phone because I don't like using the phone. I don't even use it for ordering pizza for goodness sake. What are you really expecting to happen here with someone who will not use a phone even to order pizza? As for telling Shawn's family, I am working on that. I been talking with MommyandMattling and we had discussed it. I had been wanting to tell Shawn's sister what is going on for some time so I wrote a letter for her, and now it's just a matter of finding the appropriate time to give it to her.

    So whether you know it or not, I am working on it, but you stopped talking to me so of course you wouldn't know shit about what is going on.



    Nobody can do the work for you... no matter how well meaning or how determined they may be!
    And when have I ever asked of such a thing? I never asked anyone to do the work for me. So it takes me time to do the work myself and work up the courage, that doesn't mean I am expecting anyone to just do it for me. It's obviously nice to get a helping hand from those who are willing, but it's nothing something I particularly expect. I am more than happy just to talk. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. A simple Hi ... is good enough for me. It makes me feel better when I get a message, but I am sure it does for everyone to some degree. Is there something wrong with wanting that? Is that really a whole lot to ask? I am 30 years old now. I have lived through so much shit, and how do you think I managed to even get where I am today? Do you think I just sat on my ass doing nothing or waited for someone to just come along and shove me into a general direction? No, I eventually found a way around the issue I had been facing.



    You can say how I or, anyone else - here or otherwise... are worthless fuck-ups (thank you for that btw)
    I didn't say that. Putting words in my mouth.



    Yet, you will not take a single step! Go upstairs and talk to those people!
    As I said, you wouldn't know shit because you decided to stop asking. You decided at some point I was no longer worth helping or even talking to.



    It is only your choice of actions period... you can go on about all the rest of those worthless, fake, high and mighty, etc, etc... all the rest of your life... you will not make any progress until you take action... I mean, move your body and speak... the water is all around you yet, you risk dying of thirst because, the water is too shiny or, there is a bug floating by or, it's too cold or, not the right color, someone is stirring their foot in it... stoop down, scoop up a handful and drink already!
    No no and no. First of all, all my life and to continue this analogy ... there has be an alagator in that water you are speaking of. Take a scoop already? Are you sure? Because of my past experiences I can tell you this, its' never a fucking good idea to rush into something. It's important to think about what you are doing and how you are going to do it. What tends to stop me short is when those things don't really have a whole heck of a lot of promise. Look, I am not stupid and while I do require a bit of a more solid plan, that is for good reason. I have been bitten too many times to count and am aware of the consiquences of fucking up. There is a lot of uncertainty with the situation I am in, and I think it's perfectly fucking acceptable to be a bit hesitant with this shit because I have no clue what to expect and it's not really something I have ever had to do before. There is so much to this that makes me hesitate ... the only thing that is going to help me is to have people around me who are encoraging me. Not people who are walking away from me. That doesn't help me. that just makes things worse. That just makes me feel fair less confident in my ability to do anything correctly.

    Edit: Also, correction. I don't keep sitting on my foot. It was one time and that was when I injured it. Why on earth would you assume I keep sitting on it?

  9. #9

    Default

    Hi, again,

    I keep being here on the periphery of your ADISC life, MarchinBunny. I may not be one of your go-to girls, but I have stated and continue to state that I find your presence here to be a vital and positive one (except, I guess, in threads like this one, where by definition you are not being vital and positive). And I am definitely not alone in my assessment. In case you had not noticed, we've just completed nominations for the 2017 Recognition Awards and you have been nominated in three categories! That is Dogboy territory. Clearly there are a lot of people here who feel that you've made a positive impact. (BTW: you are the default winner of one of these awards, as no one was nominated to run against you.) You can complain that people here are not supportive and don't like you, but the evidence suggests otherwise.

    So too does the simple fact that, every time one of these threads or blogs happens, you quickly find people (even at this hour) trying to talk you down from your anguish.

    Your pain is real (both the physical pain of your injury and the mental pain you're suffering due to your current life issues), but as I've noted before it is not permanent. Don't look for solutions that ​are.

  10. #10
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by kerry View Post
    Hi, again,

    I keep being here on the periphery of your ADISC life, MarchinBunny. I may not be one of your go-to girls, but I have stated and continue to state that I find your presence here to be a vital and positive one (except, I guess, in threads like this one, where by definition you are not being vital and positive). And I am definitely not alone in my assessment. In case you had not noticed, we've just completed nominations for the 2017 Recognition Awards and you have been nominated in three categories! That is Dogboy territory. Clearly there are a lot of people here who feel that you've made a positive impact. (BTW: you are the default winner of one of these awards, as no one was nominated to run against you.) You can complain that people here are not supportive and don't like you, but the evidence suggests otherwise.

    So too does the simple fact that, every time one of these threads or blogs happens, you quickly find people (even at this hour) trying to talk you down from your anguish.

    Your pain is real (both the physical pain of your injury and the mental pain you're suffering due to your current life issues), but as I've noted before it is not permanent. Don't look for solutions that ​are.
    Well, I am not an official candidate of any of them besides that artist one which as you said I auto win it since no one else was nominated for it. Also with the low turnout, I don't know if I can consider the awards as any sort of validation for what people tend to think about me here. I know it sounds negative, but that isn't really the case it's more truth than anything. If there where more people putting in nominations I think it might be a better indication.

    Something people need to keep in mind most of my negative emotions is typically triggered by someone or something that occured. It's not like it just happens for no reason. I am trying to be more positive here and trying to be a positive influence and have changed a lot on how I try to respond. It's probably why I got nominated in some categories which truthfully I didn't expect. However, it's hard to continue that when things seem to be going wrong with people I care about. It's like one after the other. It's like I can't seem to just get a break.

    I realize a lot of this has to do with me having BPD .. .but it's clear I need to stay away from people who don't understand it. Making friends with someone and becoming attached to them and then them ignoring me isn't good. That is the exact opposite of what they should be doing with someone with BPD. I mean it's quite literally a fear of abandonment ... how on earth is abandoning me ... going to help? All that does is validate my fears and makes me feel people really don't care about me. If such a good friend is willing to walk away and stop talking to me liek a friend ... how do I know who to trust? Where do I turn? How do I disypher those who will not do the same? If I can't figure that out, then it's simply better for me to not be social at all. To not get too close to anyone ever again.

    It's also not like I don't trust people either. In fact, I think part of the issue is I keep trusting people too much.
    I do want to get better, and I am working on it. However, having people walk away on me ... doesn't help that. I don't even undrstand why anyone would think doing so is helpful in anyway.

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