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Thread: Who actually cares?

  1. #1
    MarchinBunny

    Angry Who actually cares?

    So my last blog post made me want to write a bit more on this particular matter. Why do people say they care and say they want to help, treat you all friendly but then seem to throw all that out the window and do things that show that is really not the case? Why even have bothered to say those things in the first place if they where not true? Why say those things if you could not hold up to those standards you set for yourself. Why tell someone you are there for them, and then totally not be?

    With people like this, how do I determine who actually does care and those who are just saying they do? I am losing all my trust in people. I really am. I mean if someone who I liked this much and thought they understood me and who claimed they wanted to help has run away ... what does that tell me? I try to communcate with them and they just ignore me. Well fine ...

    But you know what, this is an open message to everyone who says they care and then ignores me and acts like I should just be able to deal with this shit in some sort of manner of never getting upset. You make me feel like a worthless piece of shit and you just bring me a step closer to suicide. So if anything I should be thanking you for making things much clearer for me. Thank you for proving to me, I was right not to trust anyone. Thank you for showing me this is all I am worth. Thank you for showing me you are two faced. Thank you for showing me there is nothing here for me.

    Thank you for setting me straight. You remind me why I hate everything. You prove everyone who says things will get better, wrong. You prove things do not get better for someone like me, because you ran away too. You showed me I am not worth your time, and with good reason. I am a piece of shit and even I know that. I learned it a long time ago from my family. I learned I am not wanted and I never have been. Thank you for making me realize my parents where correct to abandon this .... thing. I don't even think at this point I should be considered human because I am not worth that. I am a thing, and nothing more. I am like the gum stuck under someone's shoe. I am trash.

    To everyone who has yet to run away. I suggest you do so. I am not worth it. My parents knew it, they knew it ... and even you do too.

    Hate me.

    Edit: Anyway, this will be my last post.
    Last edited by MarchinBunny; 03-Mar-2017 at 09:34.

  2. #2

    Default

    It sounds like you rely too much on other people for your self-esteem.

    Not everything is about you -- if someone hasn't replied maybe they're depressed or busy or their internet is down... It could be anything. I wouldn't just jump to the conclusion that a lack of response means that someone hates you.

    I dunno... I hope you feel better soon... :-(

  3. #3

    Default

    I'm not totally sure this is an issue only you face.

    I've met some people online who acted like my friend but for one reason or another ditched me in the end. People... can just be asses, really. Finding the right ones to trust is hard.

  4. #4

    Default

    Sounds like you keep the wrong company, love.

    Sure, it falls on you to personable, but.. I don't think it's all you. I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you seek some new contacts and company. It really will help to find a good few people you know you can rely on. Sure, finding them is difficult, but anything worth doing will be. Don't let the bad apples hurt you and keep you from that goal.

    None of that suicide stuffs now! *fusses* You're hurt, but dying isn't the answer.

  5. #5

    Default

    being able to let others go, and for them to be happy, is the sign of true compassion.

    It's important for everyone to be able to acknowledge their own contributions for the events in their lives, and not to create a self fulfilling prophecy of unhappiness.

    I don't know who specifically this is addressed too, "Why do people say they care and say they want to help, treat you all friendly but then seem to throw all that out the window and do things that show that is really not the case?"

    I know you have had issues with fear in the past, have had repeated issues of someone putting their emotions and time into trying to help you, being their honest selves with you. Part of that honesty, is letting you know when something is bothering them, and you being compassionate enough to let them handle that in the way that is best for them. events in our past, can contribute significantly to how we react to situations others may shrug off.

    "who says they care and then ignores me and acts like I should just be able to deal with this shit in some sort of manner of never getting upset. I know in the past, I have witnessed that lashing out through text, because you feel abandoned, is a reaction you are quick to embrace, to purge and process your emotions. I know that a lack of healthy outlets for your emotions, anxiety and other life challenges add to the allure of this approach. however it is very hard for other's who may not be communicating with you because of this behavior or because they have things they themselves are trying to process.


    what you really need to do is address the causes of your problems, developing healthy coping mechanisms. No one that i can think of would suggest that you "never get upset", however I would add that how you handle being upset could be improved.

    I don't think this is a case of someone telling you they care, pretending to be your friend, and counting down the days till they can ignore you. I really don't honestly think anyone that I can think of from adisc, that has reached out to you, was acting out of a "two faced" method

    Your emotions are valid, the way you process these emotions and the outlets you choose for them, well..they just are not healthy. they are almost hypnotic mantras you tell yourself to justify your actions.I know that you have written about your mental disorders in the past on adisc, until you find healthy ways to deal with these disorders, or until you conquer your own fear and trepidation, you are always going to be your own worst enemy.

    I care about you, I want happiness for you, I know you want it too, and I know your afraid.
    take things one small step at a time, and you will find happiness.
    Be lenient with other's when they tell you they need to do something for their own emotional state.
    Love is letting things go, and joy is when they come back.

    You have enormous drive and energy, fueled by your emotions, but fear is keeping that drive working against you rather then for you. Please seriously consider taking the plunge and contacting aid services for both mental well being as well as physical.
    Last edited by MommyandMattling; 03-Mar-2017 at 21:13.

  6. #6

    Default

    They say they care for the same reason them try and rack up facebook "friend" followers. To make themselves feel better or more important/relevant- even though they aren't.

  7. #7

    Default

    Hi, MarchinBunny,
    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We all need someone to care about us and it is unfortunate you're feeling abandoned.

    In my own life I have suffered from serious depression and have thought of ending my life, sometimes even recently. It is a struggle to keep going but I can tell you that the light does return. Being a part of Adisc has been helpful to me in dealing with my own depression and it has allowed me to share my experiences with others here. My hope is that it has been beneficial to others. Because in spite my own struggles, I still believe in hope.

    Suicide and depression have been dark companions throughout my life, having attempted it, losing a partner to suicide, losing a friend who took her own life while she was four months pregnant. I never forgot it, never forgot them, and never completely got over it. Because you don't get over it. You don't get over that much loss. So you live with it and try and turn it around. For me, I was where you are at many times. I had to sink to the bottom, becoming an alcoholic and isolating my self from the rest of the world. The option of suicide was constantly beckoning. It wasn't until I was living a zombified existence, living off nothing but the most negative emotions that I finally went to see a doctor and begin getting help. Eventually through therapy and finding a good doctor, I was able to find my way out of the abyss.

    The epidemic of suicide both destroyed what my life might have been yet it has been the prime motivator in what it has become: taking up volunteer work at a local distress centre, going back to school to work in the helping professions, and finding fulfillment working as an advocate in a non-profit helping vulnerable people. If I have been guided by a philosophy in my life, I would have to say I have been most influenced by the writings of Viktor E. Frankl, a humanist psychologist and a survivor of the Nazi death camps. Frankl posits that we cannot avoid suffering, but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward. If that sounds like words you've heard me using on this site, it is because I have been profoundly moved by his outlook on life. I have suffered many losses in addition to my own dealings with depression throughout my life and have learned that my experience has value in helping others.

    As someone who spent decades giving his time and empathy to others through the non-profit sector, let me share a secret: it can be very draining and demanding. If someone is not able to muster the energy to devote to you, there can be very reasonable circumstances why this is occurring. Sometimes people need to step back and take care of themselves first. Many of us involved in the helping professions often become involved for reasons that are borne from personal experience and we can become very emotionally attached to our work. We live it, we feel it, and we stress and we worry for our clients. We are often putting our own feelings aside and putting our own problems on hold to help someone in crisis. The fact is that we are people too, and sometimes we need to step back and administer our own self-care or risk burning out. It's a reality in my line of work that people sometimes place unrealistic expectations on us that we will be able to solve all their problems and that we can always be available. The fact is that we are all human and we can only do so much. And yes, we can burn out and feel frustration when we give ongoing support and guidance in hopes that they move forward, but the advice is rejected or ignored. We can only 'go back to the well' so often if the person is not willing or appears unable to take the steps to move forward in their life.

    So, in keeping with the thread title, I do consider myself to be a person who actually does care. I am a person who has lived with depression and suicidal ideation, and I am also someone who is relied upon to help others through their crises. In that respect, I try to see things from both sides. First of all, I want to see you healthy, MarchinBunny, I want to see you resolve your residency issues in Canada or the US, whichever you decide, I want to see you take the steps to get some mental health assistance to deal with these thoughts of depression and these feelings that people don't care. Because I really don't think that's the case. My fear is that you are avoiding dealing with some very real problems and deflecting them by focussing your anger and anxiety on the people who simply want to see you take some steps to move forward. The reality is that nobody can give a magical answer to solve your problems, they can only give advice, suggestions and support. You can either ignore them, see where they go, or come up with your own ideas. People can only provide so much time and help to anyone. I don't think it's a matter of anyone not caring, it's probably more likely that this person has given much of their time already and is waiting for you to take some steps, or the person needs time for self-care or to deal with matters IRL. It happens, and it is understandable.

    My other fear is that you may risk becoming overly reliant on people when they are trying to help and becoming angry when they are not available. This is not healthy. Caring is a give-and-take proposition, so if someone who has been helping you is not available for any reason, then you need to respect that and develop other coping strategies so that you are not dependent on that one person. Sometimes the caregiver needs care. Give them their space to do what they need to do, so that they can return when they are ready to give more attention. Learn to develop other methods of support and coping skills, such as continuing with your art, making new friends on Adisc, and most importantly, seeking out support services IRL.

    There have been far too many posts written about abandonment, feeling ignored, and people hating you to the point of feeling suicidal. While it can be healthy and cathartic to put your thoughts into words, it is not an answer. It is not an answer when you are not facing the causes of those feelings and becoming angry and frustrated with people who genuinely want to see you succeed.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 04-Mar-2017 at 23:38.

  8. #8

    Default

    In the short time I've been talking with you, MarchinBunny, all I can do is echo what MommyandMattling said and add that you have always come across as an intelligent, honest, thoughtful person, one whom I would be happy to know IRL. I realize that you have issues–my God, don't we all? But please accept this from someone who has been on the brink a few times in her life: no matter how much it may feel like it would be, suicide is not the right answer. I look back and shudder at what I would have missed out on had I ever gone through with what I considered (or, in one case, started). I mean, OK, I'd have missed Trump, so there's that, but my life has been full of so many blessings, large and small, that I never could have foreseen. So will yours.

    I recently attended the funeral of one of my former students. It was not the first time and probably won't be the last that I went to a service for a young person who took his or her own life. J. was in his thirties, a hugely talented musician, and well-liked, but he had more demons gnawing away at his mind than any ten people should and they'd been there since before I knew him. More people than I had reached out to him over the years to offer him guidance, support, a temporary home, whatever he needed at the time. When he died, he was living a pretty calm life, playing in multiple bands, attending church regularly (where he also played music), and teaching music for a living. And then, one morning, he took an overdose of one of his meds.

    It was, as folk singer Christine Lavin calls it, "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." And that's the point I'm trying to make: as acute as it is, as horrific as it seems, the pain is temporary. If you can ride it out, better times WILL come. I know that "it gets better" rings hollow when you're in the depths of depression, but that does not make it any less true. Call a hotline. (I'd provide a number but I'm not certain what country you're in right now.) Find a support group. Join a church if you aren't in one already. (There are plenty available for non-religious folks; you don't need to be a Holy Roller.) Get therapy if you aren't already. (Meds can make a world of difference once you find the right combination. I, my son, and my daughter can attest to that.) And STAY where people are already supportive of you, in places like ADISC.

    Hoping we DO hear from you again,

    Kerry

  9. #9

    Default

    Hope you're ok, I'm not good with words so it takes me a little while to think about what to write.

    Don't do anything drastic and stay safe please,

  10. #10

    Default

    Oh yeah, you're totally worthless and NOBODY CARES! Anyway I'mma go block you now.

    (And yes, I'm joking with you. In case it wasn't clear.)

    On a more serious note... hon, you need to take it easy. Sure, people can really suck, but you can't let it get to you. Look at all of the wonderful responses you've gotten here. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said it best: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." Most people are just concerned about themselves primarily. That's one of the things that makes romance so magical, because it's a break in that pattern.

    Oh and of course you're totally unlovable. (There I go joking around again!)

    Really though, take a deep breath and don't do anything drastic. And don't make me nag you to return to ADISC. Stay safe, OK?

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