Have you chatted about why you wear diapers to your mother?
It has come up in the past when she discovered I had packages delivered to our house; once about two years ago, and again roughly 9 months ago. The first time she was angry and expressed disgust, asking me if I had a bed wetting problem. I didn't want to lie so I said no. I didn't explicitly say what I like to do with regard to wearing. I simply said I have a fetish and left it at that. She said my behavior was disgusting. I insisted that was equal to saying I am disgusting, she disagreed on that point. I was able to disarm her anger when I brought up an incident that happened when I was 12.
On Thanksgiving day in 2006 she found erotic ABDL stories in the browser history (on DailyDiapers). She screamed at me in front of my whole family and put this question to me angrily with disgust within earshot of all my siblings: "Apparently you have a fascination with diapers?!!" I was mortified and said no which was a lie but obviously I'm not going to say yes. The rest of the short interaction is blank to me. I went up to my room frozen with shame, felt like I could vomit, was shaking from nervousness. I left the house and walked in the woods behind our backyard for about a half hour. When I came back my family had started eating dinner without me and I did not join them. It was one of the more traumatizing events of my life.
When I brought this up her expression changed and she seemed very remorseful and said she was sorry. She didn't press me anymore about it. I did not take the conversation any further because it was a confrontation I did not want to have in the first place.
I wear for sexual reasons and in my family something like masturbation or fetishes is just way too uncomfortable to bring up. It's not a welcomed subject at all. We were raised up Catholic. My family is very sexually repressive and in general my parents were strict and authoritarian when my siblings and I were much younger. An open conversation about my desire to wear diapers for sexual reasons is something I really do not want to even attempt. It's just way too uncomfortable. I am partly embarrassed of my fetish anyway. But not embarrassed enough to refrain from indulging. I just would prefer if it were kept as private as possible.
The second time we discussed it 9 months ago was when she bought it up since UPS had notified her by email that a package was being delivered. She didn't have the strength of will to be angry with me about it this time. I said it's a fetish I can't choose to not have, and that it's hormonal in its wiring which is my opinion. She wasn't able to contest with me much. She seemed defeated on the matter. In my estimation that was fair when I consider my past with her and the type of abusive and hypocritical person she has been most of my life.
You are the one doing this odd thing in front of her and you owe it to her to put her mind at rest. If you are unable to reconcile this with your mother than you may just have to stop wearing them in front of her. It is unfair to put others in a difficult situation in their own home through our actions.
I'm inclined to say that on this matter I should do what makes me happy and that I'm not responsible for protecting other people from their own uncomfortable feelings. Learning that I am not responsible for how others feel has been one of the biggest challenges and lessons in my life in recent years. And after all I am sensitive to how my family may feel about me wearing which is why I attempt to be as inconspicuous as possible with it. I take every precaution to avoid drawing attention to the fact that I'm wearing a diaper. But to a certain extent the bulge and noise is not concealable. It's difficult to adjust to life with this fetish because wearing a diaper is something I particularly love, and that love is itself embarrassing and I would like to keep it hidden as much as I can.
Eventually you will need to look into moving out because you will never truly be free to express yourself fully living with your parents.
You are right. I guess the fact that I'm not free to express myself how I would like is my main reason for making this thread. It makes me sad, and the fact is that I don't have the wherewithal to move out anytime soon.
Thank you for the thoughtful response.
