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Thread: hi, um.. i'm upset.

  1. #1

    Default hi, um.. i'm upset.

    disclaimer, I've missed a couple days of medicine now, I just keep forgetting and everything in my head is a fuzzy mess..

    It's been about a month? now since my ex and I have talked and I'm still thinking about things. It keeps coming up and it is completely ruining my ability to think about other things. I keep thinking I'm the horrible person of the situation when I know deep down it's not my fault, I was abused, I'm experiencing classic "stockholm" symptoms and that doesn't make it even a little...easier.

    It's been a long time since I've found enjoyment in anything. I'm pouring my heart and soul into being a member here at ADISC trying to sort myself out, help others, be somebody to the community, forget my past, move forward.. I just wanted to sit down and play a stupid game and I found myself crying into a pillow. I think coming here and giving it my all has helped but darn it if I'm not feeling awful right now.

    I want..people to like me. I want to be a good person, I want the abuse, the feelings to fade. I want it all to just..leave me the hell alone. At times, it does. At times, it's like now where I just want to cave in to the pressure of it all and lose my mind.. I feel like a complete and utter pile of a person and I don't even understand why. I only did what I felt like I had to do. It had to end.. I had to stop and re-evaluate myself as a person..

    I came here accumulating friends only to realize I'm causing myself severe anxiety because for however long I was forbidden to even socialize with people, and I STILL feel that crap looming. I can't bloody shake it! Why do FRIENDS make me feel awful? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why does everything I'm doing make me feel sick? Did I rush into things?

    I think I'm just dealing with too much again...

    My mind is a million roads, at any given time I can select one and go down it. I can never choose. I can never think which road is best. I present myself as some sort of stupid pillar of hope, I tell everyone to "never give up" when I've largely already done just that.. I'm a bloody hypocrite.

    I felt like I was doing good here on the forums. I now feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time giving advice I can't execute myself.

    I'm sorry for that. I'm vulnerable right now and I'm.. I'm just lost and left feeling inadequate. All in all I feel unable to ever vent. I feel silenced and trained to keep my mouth shut and be good. It kills me. This is a support forum and if I can't even put myself there to receive support..

    I don't know. Bleh.. I was scared to even post this. I still am..

  2. #2

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    As someone with untreated anxiety disorder and depression I can honestly relate to a lot of this, When it comes to abuse it's always something that will spring up from the back of your mind and surface in everyday tasks, I've had things from many years ago spring up and cause panic attacks for no real reason at all.

    Most of my anxiety and depression is rooted in the bullying and abuse I suffered as a kid, even the verbal abuse I get daily from my father.

    What I'm getting at is abuse, and anxiety or even depression, really alters your state of thinking, the negative things you're thinking about yourself isn't how you are as a person, after being abused It's normal to blame yourself, it takes time to realise that the abuse isn't your fault.

    I've struggled for years to accept that my bullying and abuse isn't my fault, but for me it's due to the abuser manipulating everyone around me making out I'm a terrible person and the abuser, and things like that really mess with you.

    Not enjoying every day activities and feeling empty all the time is something I also experience, days go by draining you out, etc, It's common with depression.

    Just hang in there, you're a good person, you're just not seeing that just yet, It takes time to recover from abuse, but you will eventually accept that none of the abuse you suffered is your fault.

    (disclaimer by untreated I mean I refuse to take medication or go back to my psychologist)

    Hugs.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    disclaimer, I've missed a couple days of medicine now, I just keep forgetting and everything in my head is a fuzzy mess..

    It's been about a month? now since my ex and I have talked and I'm still thinking about things. It keeps coming up and it is completely ruining my ability to think about other things. I keep thinking I'm the horrible person of the situation when I know deep down it's not my fault, I was abused, I'm experiencing classic "stockholm" symptoms and that doesn't make it even a little...easier.

    It's been a long time since I've found enjoyment in anything. I'm pouring my heart and soul into being a member here at ADISC trying to sort myself out, help others, be somebody to the community, forget my past, move forward.. I just wanted to sit down and play a stupid game and I found myself crying into a pillow. I think coming here and giving it my all has helped but darn it if I'm not feeling awful right now.

    I want..people to like me. I want to be a good person, I want the abuse, the feelings to fade. I want it all to just..leave me the hell alone. At times, it does. At times, it's like now where I just want to cave in to the pressure of it all and lose my mind.. I feel like a complete and utter pile of a person and I don't even understand why. I only did what I felt like I had to do. It had to end.. I had to stop and re-evaluate myself as a person..

    I came here accumulating friends only to realize I'm causing myself severe anxiety because for however long I was forbidden to even socialize with people, and I STILL feel that crap looming. I can't bloody shake it! Why do FRIENDS make me feel awful? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why does everything I'm doing make me feel sick? Did I rush into things?

    I think I'm just dealing with too much again...

    My mind is a million roads, at any given time I can select one and go down it. I can never choose. I can never think which road is best. I present myself as some sort of stupid pillar of hope, I tell everyone to "never give up" when I've largely already done just that.. I'm a bloody hypocrite.

    I felt like I was doing good here on the forums. I now feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time giving advice I can't execute myself.

    I'm sorry for that. I'm vulnerable right now and I'm.. I'm just lost and left feeling inadequate. All in all I feel unable to ever vent. I feel silenced and trained to keep my mouth shut and be good. It kills me. This is a support forum and if I can't even put myself there to receive support..

    I don't know. Bleh.. I was scared to even post this. I still am..
    Just two words about trying to put this behind you;

    Go slow.

    Trauma and PTSD after leaving abuse do not go away just because you want them to be gone. The feelings fade eventually over time, but they go at their own pace and you can't give them a deadline. When you throw yourself into things like helping others, it can feel rewarding at first and it may even help you forget your own pain, but it only works for so long before it catches up to you. It can backfire because you are living in denial by hiding your feelings from yourself and from others. The feelings remain and although they may be dormant for a period of time, they prevent you from moving forward because there is still so much that must be resolved. You need to face them, you need to acknowledge the abuse, and you need to realize it does not make you weak by needing some time and support to deal with the ramifications of an abusive relationship. Don't hold back and don't keep it inside. You've given excellent responses and support to members during your short time here and I am in awe of how much you have to offer. I hope to see more from you, but perhaps you may need to moderate some of your time here and balance it with some time to work on yourself. It's not unusual for new members to find this site and use it to get some support before they can go on and contribute fully to help others. It's give-and-take on this support site, and sometimes you need to take a little before you can give to others. We're here for you.


    I can share my own experience about living in denial after an assault that I barely survived. As a long distance runner, I was traumatized from the brutality and the injuries were extensive enough that the doctors didn't know if I would ever run again. Eventually they were convinced I would be able to start running by Christmas time. I moved it up and started in mid-October, much to the medical team's dismay.

    I really believed I was moving forward. I immersed myself in my work helping tenants at risk of eviction, and in the new year I began training for a half-marathon, my first race since my last marathon twenty one years previous to it. I was running really well, I rededicated myself to competitive running, and I increased my workload to help more people. I refused to play the victim and dwell on the assault. It was in the past and I wasn't going to think about it or let it affect me anymore. I had a strong sense of taking control and moving forward.

    During the week around the first anniversary of the assault, I couldn't help but start thinking about it again, but I just blocked it out of my mind. During that week, I did find a book titled "Working with Available Light" by Jamie Kelvin. It was an autobiography of a family's life after a family member is brutally assaulted while out on a run. There were enough striking similarities that I had to pick up the book.

    When the anniversary day of the assault arrived, I went for my run as usual, but almost feared getting assaulted again, even though I realized that logistically I had a better chance of getting struck by lightning. I put the anxiety out of mind that day and patted myself on the back for getting through the day without dwelling on something that happened a year ago. As I said, I was moving forward.

    It wasn't until the following night when I got back to the book and I read the passage where the assaulted woman talks about how it had been approximately a year since she was attacked. She talked about how in the first year she was moving forward, but suddenly she didn't believe it anymore. She described how there was an underlying sense of anxiety, that she feared she lost her sense of pleasure, even in the things that once brought pleasure, like reading. She just didn't feel the same joy she had in life, and wondered if it was gone forever.

    I understood every word and everything she said in that passage. It was as if, by describing her own PTSD after the assault, she held up a mirror to how I was coping with mine. For the first time in the year since the assault, I realized how much I had denied my feelings,, how the assault traumatized me, and that I hadn't fully recovered from it, in part because I was refusing to acknowledge the depth of the pain. It was still there, and for the first time I faced the fact that I really hadn't moved forward as much as I thought I had.

    I had to change my perspective that it was a year since the assault and therefore it was well in the past, to understanding that it had only been a year and that this was a trauma that would be with me for a very long time. I can't tell you how hard I cried that night and let out all the pain and tears I had kept bottled up inside.

    So please...

    Just go slow. Go easy on yourself. Don't deny the brutality of your own experience. Take the time to feel it and to face your own vulnerability. Pay attention to your feelings and nurture them. Don't pressure yourself to put it all behind you because it doesn't work that way. What will work is talking it out with us, with your therapist, and your support network. This experience may be with you for a long time so you can expect some days will be better than others. But as time goes on, the negative feelings will recede and things will get better again.

    We want you here, and judging from your posts, we need you here, so please, take care of yourself, don't put your own needs aside by burning yourself out here, because that won't be helpful to anyone.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 23-Feb-2017 at 03:34.

  4. #4

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    Hello Ms.Gigglebutt.




    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    disclaimer, I've missed a couple days of medicine now, I just keep forgetting and everything in my head is a fuzzy mess..
    Please take care of yourself, getting a daily routine is healthy, especially if its remembering to take your meds



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    It's been about a month? now since my ex and I have talked and I'm still thinking about things. It keeps coming up and it is completely ruining my ability to think about other things. I keep thinking I'm the horrible person of the situation when I know deep down it's not my fault, I was abused, I'm experiencing classic "stockholm" symptoms and that doesn't make it even a little...easier.
    I dont know the details about you and your ex, I do know however that if you are feeling that you are experiencing "stockholm" symptoms, believe it or not, I think its a good sign that you are second guessing yourself to some extent, hopefully those extents are limited to the imparted views of yourself from your ex, and not so much on your self worth. lets keep the positive thought that you are able to distinguish that it is not your fault, as well as taking the time to post on adisc, it shows your percivering, your pugnacious. we're rooting for you.



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    I feel like a complete and utter pile of a person and I don't even understand why. I only did what I felt like I had to do. It had to end.. I had to stop and re-evaluate myself as a person..
    This..this THIS!!! HERE THIS!! we have to have a relationship with ourselves, BEFORE we can have one with someone else. Loving yourself, knowing and evaluating yourself independantly..
    You took the plunge, now dont panic, and keep swimming.




    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    I came here accumulating friends only to realize I'm causing myself severe anxiety because for however long I was forbidden to even socialize with people, and I STILL feel that crap looming. I can't bloody shake it! Why do FRIENDS make me feel awful? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why does everything I'm doing make me feel sick? Did I rush into things?
    only you can tell, sometimes our emotions and our points of view are so inscrutable to us, that we cannot single out one thought or cause of emotions in us, from another, sometimes mistaking three different things for one emotion. in the end slow and steady has its merits.

    Guilt is a tricky thing, its deceptive at times...sometimes we dont even know why we feel it.
    but for better or worse, humans are capable of becoming desensatized to guilt, there may very well be a day, should you continue to push at your bounderies that you look back and wonder at how you ever felt guilty at having friends.




    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    I think I'm just dealing with too much again...
    ..

    but at least this time your not alone, you have all of adisc.



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    I felt like I was doing good here on the forums. I now feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time giving advice I can't execute myself.
    sometimes, the easiest way for us to working up to doing something very difficult, is give others the advice we want to give ourselves, and to work up to change. just because you may consider yourself a hypocrit, does not detract from any advice you might give, if its good advice, and as you help others, and you work at it, you'll find that your taking steps yourself to living the words you find resonate within yourself, enough to pass them onto others



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    I don't know. Bleh.. I was scared to even post this. I still am..
    I'm glad you did. you should be glad you did as well, you are once again, refusing to remain silent, and refusing to be in a situation where your isolated. tear down that wall Ms.Gigglebutt.
    Last edited by MommyandMattling; 23-Feb-2017 at 00:37.

  5. #5

  6. #6

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    Oh yeah, you're ALL messed up... hypocrite!! And you're totally wasting my time!! OK, OK, OK, I'm joking with you a little. ^^;;;

    Hon, this IS a support forum, but that doesn't mean everyone can truly be supportive. Each of us can only do the best that we know how. It sounds like you're doing that -- and that is commendable. Keep it up! And crying is okay... it helps get the feelings out. It DOES make me want to hug you though. o.o;;

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner View Post
    Just two words about trying to put this behind you;

    Go slow.
    This is difficult for me. My life has always been a blur. I rarely have time to rest. I'm a frequent caffeine abuser. My sleep schedule has been awful, only in the last few weeks has it become anything resembling normalcy. .. I never feel like I have time. I can never allot myself any time to myself. Everyone else gets it. I've always been fine with that. I always tell myself "today is me day!" .. never works that way. My eyes.. I look awful..



    When you throw yourself into things like helping others, it can feel rewarding at first and it may even help you forget your own pain, but it only works for so long before it catches up to you. It can backfire because you are living in denial by hiding your feelings from yourself and from others. The feelings remain and although they may be dormant for a period of time, they prevent you from moving forward because there is still so much that must be resolved. You need to face them, you need to acknowledge the abuse, and you need to realize it does not make you weak by needing some time and support to deal with the ramifications of an abusive relationship. Don't hold back and don't keep it inside. You've given excellent responses and support to members during your short time here and I am in awe of how much you have to offer. I hope to see more from you, but perhaps you may need to moderate some of your time here and balance it with some time to work on yourself. It's not unusual for new members to find this site and use it to get some support before they can go on and contribute fully to help others. It's give-and-take on this support site, and sometimes you need to take a little before you can give to others. We're here for you.
    This..this says it all. Catch up? It caught up and knocked me over. I thought ONE stupid little thing and the entire thing snowballed. I tried one little stupid activity and I frickin' couldn't handle it. It doesn't help that "I'm totally fucked up now" feeling ONE BIT!

    I was so happy to be here starting off, I got a little help, a couple friends and I felt like I was doing better. Was I? This paragraph makes me wonder if I'm just kidding myself. I wasn't doing better. I tried to forget. I pretended it wasn't there when it very much was. You said it. I'm in denial. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to change that.. I guess it's a question for my therapist..



    It wasn't until the following night when I got back to the book and I read the passage where the assaulted woman talks about how it had been approximately a year since she was attacked. She talked about how in the first year she was moving forward, but suddenly she didn't believe it anymore. She described how there was an underlying sense of anxiety, that she feared she lost her sense of pleasure, even in the things that once brought pleasure, like reading. She just didn't feel the same joy she had in life, and wondered if it was gone forever.
    This..this is me. I'm just sitting here wondering if it's gone. I..can't begin to explain what it's like to just be surrounded by everything you used to enjoy only to have it inaccessible to you be it from one end or the other.

    ..I've still failed to completely sever myself from it.... I left open routes of contact which time and time again I have ignored saying "I'll sort it out eventually, I just can't right now".. In the back of my head I'm still scared, still expecting the worst. I have a hard time even posting here because God forbid an association be made and it come out that I am here saying anything. I'm shy as a person as it is, never mind all this other crap..

    I've told myself if that happens, I wouldn't care. ..and yet..

    I fucking know that's not true. Imagine what would be done to me?



    I understood every word and everything she said in that passage. It was as if, by describing her own PTSD after the assault, she held up a mirror to how I was coping with mine. For the first time in the year since the assault, I realized how much I had denied my feelings,, how the assault traumatized me, and that I hadn't fully recovered from it, in part because I was refusing to acknowledge the depth of the pain. It was still there, and for the first time I faced the fact that I really hadn't moved forward as much as I thought I had.

    I had to change my perspective that it was a year since the assault and therefore it was well in the past, to understanding that it had only been a year and that this was a trauma that would be with me for a very long time. I can't tell you how hard I cried that night and let out all the pain and tears I had kept bottled up inside.
    You.. You are holding my mirror Star. You hold up this mirror every time we speak on this subject and it displays into a world that scares the ever loving fuck out of me. And yet, I know I have to face it. If I have to see this, I don't want to see it alone and that's why I'm here. But..anxiety, fear, memories..it's all impacting me. My time here at ADISC actually means a lot to me, YOU mean a lot to me. You always talk to me about this, I can't help but feel like you have to be sick of hearing it.

    There's a me in here that just wants to scream and let it all out, and Lord help me I am trying to do just that because I am sick of feeling like I can't have help or feeling guilty for even mentioning my problems.

    For 3+ years I was ridiculed for having emotions. That's exactly how I feel. What it did to me? It took that away from me. Fuck emotions, fuck showing anyone how you feel.

    The problem? Me as a person does not line up with that. What did it end up being? Me hiding everything I feel, but still welcoming everyone's feelings. What that did to me.... Biggest problem? I do a good job. I tend to excel at the things I do. Apply that to something like this?...

    I can't explain it. Human communication doesn't allow me to tell you how that feels. I won't try.



    So please...

    Just go slow. Go easy on yourself. Don't deny the brutality of your own experience. Take the time to feel it and to face your own vulnerability. Pay attention to your feelings and nurture them. Don't pressure yourself to put it all behind you because it doesn't work that way. What will work is talking it out with us, with your therapist, and your support network. This experience may be with you for a long time so you can expect some days will be better than others. But as time goes on, the negative feelings will recede and things will get better again.

    We want you here, and judging from your posts, we need you here, so please, take care of yourself, don't put your own needs aside by burning yourself out here, because that won't be helpful to anyone.
    I won't deny it. I'll tell you. I'm absolutely torn up about it still. I can display myself as happy, but I'll never deep down be that happy person I'm showing. I'm a fake. That feeling makes it so difficult to help anyone else.. It just takes away from something I considered therapeutic. Helping others, offering advice, it all feels so incorrect.

    I've tried so many things, from creative writing, letting my thoughts just happen and go, putting them onto paper, throwing them away, physical exercise, better diet. Everything that I think might help just DOESN'T. It takes me back to that feeling of it just being gone. It is KILLING me.

    It's sad. What you see here, it's me before this crap. It's how I am. I'm happy. I'm nice, I'm helpful. I love pretty much everyone like they were my best friend. Thanks to all of this bullox, I feel like that me is just fake as hell.

    Why display that? Why pretend? Because I want everyone else to be happy. The cycle doesn't end and I have yet to break it.

    If I don't break it soon.. I don't want to think about it.

    I have so much more to say, but I am so exhausted. I'm going to sleep.. I'm sorry for this nonsense. I swear..

  8. #8

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    There were things that happened to me 50 years ago that still haunt me, and have made me cry, even recently. They're the ghosts from our past that still haunt us. The years do help, each year being a little less traumatic than the last. I had a psychology teacher who said that we build bridges over the holes of past traumas in our lives. They enable us to move forward, crossing over on these thin bridges, but the holes are still there, just beneath the bridges. Over time, we learn to forget about the holes.

    I find that sometimes I have to revisit these past traumatic events, because they are a part of me and I don't want to completely forget them. I just don't want them to hurt me anymore.

    This is a great site for revisiting painful events by sharing them. But it can be more therapeutic, sharing them with a real person like a therapist who can give you face to face feedback. Don't face this by yourself. No one should be alone, especially when something terrible has happened.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    This is difficult for me. My life has always been a blur. I rarely have time to rest. I'm a frequent caffeine abuser. My sleep schedule has been awful, only in the last few weeks has it become anything resembling normalcy. .. I never feel like I have time. I can never allot myself any time to myself. Everyone else gets it. I've always been fine with that. I always tell myself "today is me day!" .. never works that way. My eyes.. I look awful..



    This..this says it all. Catch up? It caught up and knocked me over. I thought ONE stupid little thing and the entire thing snowballed. I tried one little stupid activity and I frickin' couldn't handle it. It doesn't help that "I'm totally fucked up now" feeling ONE BIT!

    I was so happy to be here starting off, I got a little help, a couple friends and I felt like I was doing better. Was I? This paragraph makes me wonder if I'm just kidding myself. I wasn't doing better. I tried to forget. I pretended it wasn't there when it very much was. You said it. I'm in denial. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to change that.. I guess it's a question for my therapist..



    This..this is me. I'm just sitting here wondering if it's gone. I..can't begin to explain what it's like to just be surrounded by everything you used to enjoy only to have it inaccessible to you be it from one end or the other.

    ..I've still failed to completely sever myself from it.... I left open routes of contact which time and time again I have ignored saying "I'll sort it out eventually, I just can't right now".. In the back of my head I'm still scared, still expecting the worst. I have a hard time even posting here because God forbid an association be made and it come out that I am here saying anything. I'm shy as a person as it is, never mind all this other crap..

    I've told myself if that happens, I wouldn't care. ..and yet..

    I fucking know that's not true. Imagine what would be done to me?



    You.. You are holding my mirror Star. You hold up this mirror every time we speak on this subject and it displays into a world that scares the ever loving fuck out of me. And yet, I know I have to face it. If I have to see this, I don't want to see it alone and that's why I'm here. But..anxiety, fear, memories..it's all impacting me. My time here at ADISC actually means a lot to me, YOU mean a lot to me. You always talk to me about this, I can't help but feel like you have to be sick of hearing it.

    There's a me in here that just wants to scream and let it all out, and Lord help me I am trying to do just that because I am sick of feeling like I can't have help or feeling guilty for even mentioning my problems.

    For 3+ years I was ridiculed for having emotions. That's exactly how I feel. What it did to me? It took that away from me. Fuck emotions, fuck showing anyone how you feel.

    The problem? Me as a person does not line up with that. What did it end up being? Me hiding everything I feel, but still welcoming everyone's feelings. What that did to me.... Biggest problem? I do a good job. I tend to excel at the things I do. Apply that to something like this?...

    I can't explain it. Human communication doesn't allow me to tell you how that feels. I won't try.



    I won't deny it. I'll tell you. I'm absolutely torn up about it still. I can display myself as happy, but I'll never deep down be that happy person I'm showing. I'm a fake. That feeling makes it so difficult to help anyone else.. It just takes away from something I considered therapeutic. Helping others, offering advice, it all feels so incorrect.

    I've tried so many things, from creative writing, letting my thoughts just happen and go, putting them onto paper, throwing them away, physical exercise, better diet. Everything that I think might help just DOESN'T. It takes me back to that feeling of it just being gone. It is KILLING me.

    It's sad. What you see here, it's me before this crap. It's how I am. I'm happy. I'm nice, I'm helpful. I love pretty much everyone like they were my best friend. Thanks to all of this bullox, I feel like that me is just fake as hell.

    Why display that? Why pretend? Because I want everyone else to be happy. The cycle doesn't end and I have yet to break it.

    If I don't break it soon.. I don't want to think about it.

    I have so much more to say, but I am so exhausted. I'm going to sleep.. I'm sorry for this nonsense. I swear..
    Pink Floyd fan? The Trial. "Good Morning, the worm your honor! The crowd will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you, was caught red-handed showing FEELINGS, showing FEELINGS of an almost human nature! This will not do!"

    Take it easy on yourself, hon. Like Starrunner said. Being nice, and loving everyone, and being helpful... oh yeah horrible things... But the problem is that caring HURTS and there's really no way around that. It's why so many just don't. You're ahead of the curve already by trying to despite the pain.

    Incidentally, you don't strike me as fake at all. People who fake caring for others DON'T feel any pain for it. It doesn't affect them. It's more like a game they're playing. From what I'm hearing, you're the real deal. Be proud of that. You know something? I lost my ability to care for others for OVER A DECADE due to depression; I actually assumed it was gone forever, dead. Then it came back. Does it stab you through the heart? Let it. At least you can still feel it.

    Does any of this make sense or am I being too abstract? *hugs* Take care hon.

  10. #10
    MarchinBunny

    Default

    To be perfectly honest, a lot of these type of posts I really try to ignore. There are times I am able to help and offer advice and then there are times like these where I am such a mess myself that I become overly depressed with posts like these as I read them and it just tends to remind me how much my life is absolutly garbage. I try my best to not let posts like these affect me, but they often just do. How do I help someone when I often feel I cannot even help myself? How can I be someone that isn't always depressed so I can actually speak on these matters in a manner where it doesn't come off as wrong, harsh, rude or unsympatetic. I want to help anyway that I can, and it bugs me so much that I just don't know how sometimes.



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    It's been a long time since I've found enjoyment in anything. I'm pouring my heart and soul into being a member here at ADISC trying to sort myself out, help others, be somebody to the community, forget my past, move forward.. I just wanted to sit down and play a stupid game and I found myself crying into a pillow. I think coming here and giving it my all has helped but darn it if I'm not feeling awful right now.
    This hits very close to home. There was a time I used to spend hours apon hours drawing and really focused on that and there was nothing that could stop me. There where times when I played games and enjoyed myself a great deal while doing so. Now I sometimes load up a game and it just sits on the title screen and I never actually start the game because I can't seem to find he motivation to do much of the things I used to enjoy. There are times where all I want to do is talk with someone because I don't know what else to do. Everything else just feels so dead to me inside.

    It's really tough and while I don't know if I can offer any advice, I will say I understand how you feel. It really hurts to go about life and not enjoying anything even though you really want to.



    I came here accumulating friends only to realize I'm causing myself severe anxiety because for however long I was forbidden to even socialize with people, and I STILL feel that crap looming. I can't bloody shake it! Why do FRIENDS make me feel awful? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why does everything I'm doing make me feel sick? Did I rush into things?
    I have quite a bit of the same problem as well here. My signature says it all really. I find having people to talk with and to interact with, leaves me feeling worse than when I seclude myself. Socializing tends to leave me in a worse state. I can be fine one moment, but the next moment an intereaction with someone can turn everything around to the point I seriously contimplate suicide. Truthfully, I believe most of these issues I have is caused by having borderline personality disorder.



    My mind is a million roads, at any given time I can select one and go down it. I can never choose. I can never think which road is best. I present myself as some sort of stupid pillar of hope, I tell everyone to "never give up" when I've largely already done just that.. I'm a bloody hypocrite.
    I have done very much the same thing as well. I actually think many people do. We all want to make each other feel better even when we ourselves might not be feeling at our best. I mean even I am doing it now despite how these sorts of posts affect me. I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with it either. It can just show that you are a person who cares.



    I felt like I was doing good here on the forums. I now feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time giving advice I can't execute myself.
    You are not alone. I have actually come pretty close to leaving these forums on multiple occasions because I felt like I was just worthless and did nothing more than cause problems here.
    I have even come close to suicide as well ... and probably far from past that. I am sorry there isn't much else I can do to help than to share my own experiences. I often wish there was more I can do, but this is the best I can do at the moment.

    I do think it's important to keep trying and to not give up. Even when things get tough, I think it's best to just fight through it as best as you can, because you will come out of it as a better person and you will one day get past it all. Someday, I want to be a person who can help others better than I do now, and to be able to read threads like these and have it not throw me into a spiral of chaos. Becoming a better person than I was yesterday can be tough, but it's something I will continue to strive for and I hope even if things are tough for you now, that you find a way through it all. Then some day we can look back on those days and smile, laugh and tell outselves "We did it!".

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