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Thread: difficult conversation with partner

  1. #1

    Default difficult conversation with partner

    After four years of hiding it I finally summed up the courage to tell my partner I used nappies at night to manage my bedwetting a week ago. Everything seemed ok at first - but last night it became clear that this was a huge issue. My partner works in the care sector so I can't believe how much much of a problem they have with the whole thing. I ended up feeling pretty guilty and ashamed (which also made me angry). I ended up going without a nappy last night - and I'll probably just risk it with a bed mat and low liquids when we share a bed. I blame the level of stigma that is still attached to the whole area of incontinence - I like what depends did with underwareness - but I still think there isa long way to go. Thoughts / advice?

  2. #2

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    I hate to say it, but if you have a partner--especially one who "works in the care sector"--who cannot handle your nighttime incontinence, there is either something she isn't telling you or you may have the wrong partner.

    I know that sounds harsh, and a bit scary, but the reality is that if you are a bedwetter then you are a bedwetter. There's not a darned thing you can do about it. You've made a resourceful, medically sound decision about how to handle this problem, one that any reasonable lover should applaud if she doesn't relish waking up covered in urine. (How did this go on for four years before you told her about it anyway?)

    Your life is your life. At the moment it includes nocturnal enuresis, and you seem to be handling it maturely. You are correct that there is a level of stigma attached to incontinence, but a care professional should not be overcome by that. You need to talk to her further about this: it's ridiculous to risk a wet bed because of her squeamishness. You could try to find out what it is about the whole thing that is causing such a reaction. Surely she sees people in her line of work who require diapers; does she judge them? Why you? Do the diapers somehow diminish you? More than wet beds? Why? There is something deeper going on here, and you need to discover what it is, or, as I said at the outset, you may find that this relationship is not really the one that is worth saving.

  3. #3

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    Thanks Kerry - I think it just took her by surprise to be honest.

    She is an amazing careing and wonderful person - I'm hoping she just needs some time to adjust to it :-s

    I also think you are right about underlying issues - I'm sure they'll come up in time - if I go after them prematurely it can often be VERY unhelpful



    Quote Originally Posted by kerry View Post
    I hate to say it, but if you have a partner--especially one who "works in the care sector"--who cannot handle your nighttime incontinence, there is either something she isn't telling you or you may have the wrong partner.

    I know that sounds harsh, and a bit scary, but the reality is that if you are a bedwetter then you are a bedwetter. There's not a darned thing you can do about it. You've made a resourceful, medically sound decision about how to handle this problem, one that any reasonable lover should applaud if she doesn't relish waking up covered in urine. (How did this go on for four years before you told her about it anyway?)

    Your life is your life. At the moment it includes nocturnal enuresis, and you seem to be handling it maturely. You are correct that there is a level of stigma attached to incontinence, but a care professional should not be overcome by that. You need to talk to her further about this: it's ridiculous to risk a wet bed because of her squeamishness. You could try to find out what it is about the whole thing that is causing such a reaction. Surely she sees people in her line of work who require diapers; does she judge them? Why you? Do the diapers somehow diminish you? More than wet beds? Why? There is something deeper going on here, and you need to discover what it is, or, as I said at the outset, you may find that this relationship is not really the one that is worth saving.

  4. #4

    Default

    Part of the issue might be her thinking she will end up changing you quite often. It's like being a restaurant dishwasher, the last thing you want to do at home is the dishes. And you know dirty diapers are way worse.

    I would tell her you don't want her changing you (even if you do, and at least for now). Do make sure though you tell her you are having legitimate bedwetting problems, but not bowel problems. The only way you can not need a diaper is by severely dehydrating yourself. Ask her if your needing diapers is that upsetting to her then would she prefer you stay dehydrated? As a caregiver she has got to know how bad that is for a person.

    Also ask her if she would rather you risk wetting the bed with her in it, or if she would rather you wear a diaper. She may not like you in a diaper for whatever reason, but I guarantee she is going to hate a wet bed even more.

    And yeah like the others have said, she needs time to adjust. If she just can't though, then that could be a relationship breaker you quite literally have no control over.

  5. #5
    mikejames

    Default

    It's a hard situation. I'm surprised you could hide it so long. Assuming you don't live together and don't sleep over all that often?

    My wife has been really supportive but I know she's not a huge fan of the diapers. She understands that I need them though.

    I wet the bed once or twice a year my whole life and then suddenly started more often. I'd often wake up right when I started wetting and could stop it and go clean up. Usually only my underwear got we and maybe a very small spot on the bed so I was able to keep it from her for a long time. Suddenly once night I just flooded the bed and never woke up for it until it was too late. Had to tell her and I hoped it was a one time thing. Then it happened again a few days later and then a few times a week over the course of a few months until it slowly ramped up to a nightly thing. At the same time I started having daytime urgency and started having some accidents. It just got worse and worse to the point of having to wear diapers all the time now. I think my wife feels bad for me and even some pity for me as she knows I don't always feel incredibly manly wearing diapers.

    She's never given me a hard time about it. If anything she tries to lighten the mood a bit and poke a little fun at me. It helps take the edge off for sure. She does want me to continue to seek treatment even though I've grown tired of being poked and prodded and didn't tolerate the meds well. I've told her I'll go see a urologist again in a few months but that I'm not taking anymore anticholinergics/antimuscarinics and I'm really not interested in surgery. I'd rather just wear diapers to be honest. That said, I will go get info about all available treatments just so I can make a totally informed decision.

    Anyway my point with all this is that a real partner should be someone who has a vested interest in your health and well being. YOu weren't incredibly specific about what her issue is/what she said to you but you have a right to expect loving support from your partner, not a negative reaction. I think you need to ask her for a sit down and really talk it through. Find out what her issue really is and try to educate her on why you need them. She might be used to seeing patients with diapers all the time but might have that kind of compartmentalized in her mind and not really understand at a human level what it's like to need them and not have bladder control. For her it's just "work stuff". That said, there are LOTS of medical "professionals" who think diapers=laziness in the incontinent patient. THAT is one of the most frustrating things I've ever come across. No one's ever outright said it to me but my urologist and the nurse staff have insinuated it. I'd give my left nut to be out of diapers forever so it's infuriating when someone thinks you're using them out of laziness or lack of effort. They can't ever seem to understand that their meds suck, behavioral mods and Kegels don't fucking work and wearing a diaper is better than pissing your pants in front of all your work colleagues when giving a presentation! Instead they think giving you meds with horrible side effects that get you down from 5 pants wetting episodes a day to 1 or 2 is "success". No, it's not. Even if I know I'm going to wet my pants only once every other day, I still wouldn't feel comfortable being out without a diaper on. You CAN'T control it and diaper is a GREAT management tool. Nothing more, nothing less.

  6. #6

    Default

    I don't have a lot to offer here beyond what others have already said; however you've taken the hardest step (telling your partner) and I'm sorry to hear she isn't being as supportive as you might have expected. Agree with Kerry that you need to find out what the issue is and deal with it; if not immediately then don't leave it too long. It's blunt but would she prefer a wet bed, for you to be dehydrated, or for you to wear protection. The dehydration option isn't an option anyway; it's just not healthy. If it's the concept of seeing you wear then you could always cover up with pyjamas or a onesie-type top. But really it's all guesswork until you find out what the root problem is.

    I hope you can solve it. And fingers crossed it's just an initial shock reaction and that you can work through it.

  7. #7

    Default

    Could he/she be angry you hid it for 4 years

  8. #8
    mikejames

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    Quote Originally Posted by CPDude View Post
    Could he/she be angry you hid it for 4 years
    Maybe but that would be a pretty emotionally immature response. Anything outside of offering to be supportive is really unacceptable in my opinion.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by mikejames View Post
    Maybe but that would be a pretty emotionally immature response. Anything outside of offering to be supportive is really unacceptable in my opinion.
    I respectfully disagree. If a partner finds out they have been lied to about who they married, and for years at that. Well then that partner has every right to be upset. Hiding an integral part of who you are to your partner is reason enough for a divorce.

    I do agree that both partners need to be supportive at all times though. Failing to do so will only drive a wedge between them, and that too often leads to divorce.

  10. #10
    mikejames

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Slomo View Post
    I respectfully disagree. If a partner finds out they have been lied to about who they married, and for years at that. Well then that partner has every right to be upset. Hiding an integral part of who you are to your partner is reason enough for a divorce.

    I do agree that both partners need to be supportive at all times though. Failing to do so will only drive a wedge between them, and that too often leads to divorce.
    of course you do.

    Someone hiding incontinence out of shame is not the same as lying to your spouse about a fetish or an affair or something.

    Sometimes it can take a long time to work up the nerve to tell someone you love something that makes you feel so much shame. I don't know if you're incontinent or not but I'd guess not if you don't understand this.

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