What is it like?

kerry said:

I think each of us has our own issues and methods of handling them. Have you been IC all your life? I've only been for four years, so the last three of my career. I can't imagine dealing with what you do as a kid. Kids can be cruel.

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I've been incontinent all my life, there was a brief time period where I was potty trained and that year I got sick, had lots of medical complications and that was when I lost control of it......
Yeah it wasn't easy as a kid, going to school and all that was terrible. Most people didn't say anything about it but you would get the occasional group of girls who would just be mean..... Especially in middle school. And it was embarrassing cause with bowel accidents I couldn't change myself cause I found it so disgusting.... It was so hard and until I was a little older my mother would do it at home and usually I would go to the nurse's office to get help changing from there, but eventually I got the hang of it to do it by myself.
I'm in college now and it's not a lot easier though, I still have frequent bowel accidents and cleaning up and changing in college is difficult,
But I guess I manage okay.

mikejames said:

It is very inconvenient but I feel like it is not even close to as difficult to manage as bowel incontinence. I salute anyone who has to deal with that.

I manage my urge incontinence by trying to stick to a changing schedule. I also make sure to void when changing. I may alter my schedule around business meetings though. If for example I feel like my diaper is half way to capacity but I have a meeting coming up, I'll go change before the meeting rather than try to stretch it and end up changing later than my normal scheduled time. Chances are I'd have made it through the meeting ok, but you just never know and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I travel a little bit for work, with colleagues to go visit hedge funds and stuff in NYC. That can be very challenging. We always get our own hotel rooms which is very helpful. We often book our own flights too so I'll often try not to end up in a TSA line with my co workers. I don't want a diaper exposure TSA incident in front of my boss. Once in NY, I just make sure I'm well diapered and bring a few spares in my laptop case. If needed I can usually find time to sneak to bathroom between client visits. But it's always a pain in the ass because of all the planning and worrying it involves.

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With bowel incontinence it's more of a change right after an accident, by the time I have a bowel accident I have wet it a lot already so it's usually a good time to change. it is really disturbing when I have an accident during classes which isn't uncommon, because I have around 3-4 bowel accidents a day and a lot of my time is spent at the university it's so inconvenient. There is a handicap bathroom I can use to change, and while I don't really pay attention people do give the occasional stare, and like you said sometimes I have to change my schedule for the day if I might have more accidents.....

I've not been on many flights but thankfully I haven't been subjected to anything too intrusive,

Do you find it hard with leaks at night? It used to be a problem for me with the wettings but now it's okay, I've heard that people sometimes wake up for their accidents and can't get proper sleep, luckily or unluckily for me I sleep through my bowel and bladder accidents, which sucks cause I got to clean up in the morning.....
Sharing a bed with someone must be a little stressful if you leak though.....

miapeters said:

Do you find it hard with leaks at night? It used to be a problem for me with the wettings but now it's okay, I've heard that people sometimes wake up for their accidents and can't get proper sleep, luckily or unluckily for me I sleep through my bowel and bladder accidents, which sucks cause I got to clean up in the morning.....
Sharing a bed with someone must be a little stressful if you leak though.....

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Not really. I wear an Abean L4 to bed. I just take it easy on fluids at night. I drink if I'm thirsty and don't deprive myself. If I drink alcohol or drink more water than usual, I'll rock a booster pad. Leaks happen though and it's a fact of life. I've had Abenas leak, Seni's leak, Dry 24/7s leak and it's just a crap shoot. I'm finding lately though that I'm doing really well with few nigh time leaks with Just the Abena L4. I'm getting a really good fit and I've been trying to force myself to sleep on my back. When I do have a leak, it's usually because I ended up on my side and leaked or was sleeping on my stomach and the top part of the diaper folded over/outward and exposed some interior padding. I keep my mattress protected with a reusable chux thing under my sheets so at worst I just have to wash the sheets.

I rarely wake up needing to pee anymore. I wet the bed every night and very rarely wake for it. When I do wake, I don't bother trying to go to the toilet. I used to because I felt guilty ever using my diaper if it wasn't a true accident, but I've found that I just end up ruining the diaper trying to untape or pull it down and then have to re-diaper. With the cost of these things, it's easier to just relieve the pressure in bed and fall back asleep. But like I said, it's pretty rare for me to actually wake with the need to urinate anymore.

Re: sharing a bed....it was a lot worse when these incontinent problems started and I hadn't given in to wearing diapers yet. I SOAKED the bed a bunch of times. My wife was always really cool about it though and would strip the bed while I went to clean up. She's supportive of my diapers, though I know she'd rather I didn't need them. But I know she appreciates how rare is is now for the bed to get wet. We the diaper does leak, it's usually not soaking the bed, most of it still ends up in the diaper.

miapeters said:

I am urinary incontinent as well but I'm not really sure exactly how it is for a person with only urinary issues but isn't it still inconvenient? What if in the middle of a meeting or a class you realize that you need to change? I don't know but I think it is just inconvenient as hell and also the amount to spend on diapers isn't really easy as there are so many other bills and stuff to cover.

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When you wear good premium diapers this seldom ever happens. When you realize you need to change, chances are pretty good you can keep wetting it for another hour. If anything, this is an added convenience since you don't have to drop everything and hit the bathroom.

Now use cheap store bought diapers, or anything like atn, or abena and that's a different story.

Slomo said:

When you wear good premium diapers this seldom ever happens. When you realize you need to change, chances are pretty good you can keep wetting it for another hour. If anything, this is an added convenience since you don't have to drop everything and hit the bathroom.

Now use cheap store bought diapers, or anything like atn, or abena and that's a different story.

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Maybe that's the case, I don't know. For me my bowel incontinence it's what affects me the most, the diapers I use cab take a lot of wetting accidents so I don't worry a lot for the day time,

Slomo said:

When you wear good premium diapers this seldom ever happens. When you realize you need to change, chances are pretty good you can keep wetting it for another hour. If anything, this is an added convenience since you don't have to drop everything and hit the bathroom.

Now use cheap store bought diapers, or anything like atn, or abena and that's a different story.

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Are you really comparing Abena to ATNs and cheap store brands? Lol. You cant be serious. I wear a primo dry 247 to bed and wake up soaked like i was wearing a depends. My Abenas very rarely leak even at night. I homestly still think Abena is the gold stamdard in adult diapers....at least the plastic backed style. SENI Quatro is the only other diaper ive found that will almost never leak at night for me but i dont care for cloth backing.

miapeters said:

With bowel incontinence it's more of a change right after an accident, by the time I have a bowel accident I have wet it a lot already so it's usually a good time to change. it is really disturbing when I have an accident during classes which isn't uncommon, because I have around 3-4 bowel accidents a day and a lot of my time is spent at the university it's so inconvenient. There is a handicap bathroom I can use to change, and while I don't really pay attention people do give the occasional stare, and like you said sometimes I have to change my schedule for the day if I might have more accidents.....

I've not been on many flights but thankfully I haven't been subjected to anything too intrusive,

Do you find it hard with leaks at night? It used to be a problem for me with the wettings but now it's okay, I've heard that people sometimes wake up for their accidents and can't get proper sleep, luckily or unluckily for me I sleep through my bowel and bladder accidents, which sucks cause I got to clean up in the morning.....
Sharing a bed with someone must be a little stressful if you leak though.....

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I almost always sleep through my nightly wetting and do sometimes leak and wet the bed. My wife doesn't mind as long as it stays at my side.

I agree with the comments suggesting it's not something you'd wish for.

I've had OAB for around 2 years now; maybe a bit longer I've kind of lost track a bit! What does it feel like? It's difficult to articulate as it's a strange feeling; you can feel your bladder twitch and tingle a bit; and at that point you hope you're wearing some protection. You've little chance of stopping it from starting; though you can sometimes stem the flow shortly afterwards. In my case most of my bladder has been emptied by the time I feel like I've grabbed control again. As time goes on that control is reducing.

When it first happened I was mortified; I was at work and it was towards the end of the day; I'd been holding off having a wee to get something finished before shutting down the computer and I was going to go to the toilet on the way back the car; then I just had this uncontrollable urge. I had to wait for everyone else to go and thankfully my trousers were black. I gingerly walked back to my car feeling cold and disgusting.

I turned up at home and chucked everything in the washer and just hoped it was a one off. I'd drunk a lot of coffee that day. It wasn't a one off though. Some days later, it happened again on the drive home. Over the next few weeks I'd have a handful more accidents. Tried medication. Had some scans / tests. Found the medication gave me side effects; and I weighed up whether feeling completely grim generally from the meds was worse or better than changing my style of underwear. The logic I ended up using was that the meds weren't completely 100% stopping my accidents anyway; the frequency went down; but I'd still be caught off guard on occasion; and so I was still needing to wear protection anyway; so I had the same costs for protection plus the cost of the meds plus I was feeling awful. So I stopped the meds.

Hardest thing for me about this whole thing? Telling my wife I'd had accidents after the first few times it happened. I'd just concealed it. It wasn't telling the doctor that made me want to crawl under a rock. It was telling my wife. Don't get me wrong she was supportive; made sure I didn't put seeing the doctor off; she was more worried that I got checked out for any underlying cause. On top of this though, the other thing that made me want a hole to open and swallow me up was wearing protection around my wife. I got some pads and fixation pants at first. I was new to all this and I hadn't found sites like this one to "lurk" on and digest other people's experiences. So initially I went for pads. My accidents were beyond the capabilities of a "Tena Men" insert for my boxer shorts. I felt so conscious. I would change in a different room. I'd scurry into bed hoping she wouldn't see. Again, she never said or did anything to make me feel awkward. It's just not something you feel particularly attractive in. Then, after a few weeks of wearing pads (and continuing to have accidents) I found that whilst they may work well for dribbles, minor leaks or short bursts; if my bladder was going to have a proper strop, then they just weren't secure enough and they leaked. Or moved around and didn't stay put. So my confidence wearing them was nil.

Whilst I briefly tried pull up style briefs I pretty much skipped that stage; without being rude to anyone who likes wearing them, they felt like grandma pants; all ruffled. Not really "man friendly" I felt.

I've probably gone on the same journey as a lot of folks here and tried everything, every style, brand, absorbency, colour, shape ... some leak, some sag, some fall apart, some have bad tabs, some give you rashes, some are cheap, some are expensive, some are plastic, some are like cloth ... lol ... and as my OAB never rests ... some work at night and keep the bed dry, and some are absolutely bloody useless lol to this day I do not know why diapers do not have way more padding up the front and sides.

So I've now settled on a particular couple of brands of diaper that I feel confident in. I've found a wardrobe of tshirt onesies that keeps everything concealed; and whilst I don't make a point of flashing diapers at my wife, I'm past the embarrassment stage as ultimately I need them and if she catches a glimpse, oh well. We still have cuddles in bed diaper or no diaper. Nothing there has changed. I would say that the more amorous side of our relationship has tailed off a bit; likely as the spontaneity isn't so easy to do. (Hold on - let me just nip off for a few minutes to clean up in the bathroom first lol).

For me, some days I don't have it so bad; if I'm lucky a day or two may pass without anything happening that I don't control. But then other times, my bladder just spasms and makes its own mind up when and where it's going to do its thing. Then there's the guilty bit of me ... (mikejames has alluded to this in his post above) ... by the time you get the urge, go to the toilet, undo your diaper, do your thing, tape it all back up ... dammit - the tape's not as sticky second time round, or the second fixation hasn't stuck as well; or the whole thing has just lost its shape; or if it's an expensive diaper and you had an accident earlier, dropping the diaper and pulling it back up again makes all the padding fall down to the crotch. ARGH. Given the price of each diaper I have to say I've started to perhaps use them as much out of my own choice as I am forced to use them. Not every time. But it does happen. Especially at night time.

I tend to wear a really absorbent diaper so that I don't need to change when I'm out and about; though I have sometimes changed if I notice a smell; or if I lose confidence in the capacity of the thing. Changing is a major pain; if at work, you've got to pick up your bag of stuff and take it to the loo with you, which looks very odd when you do that mid-morning or mid-afternoon. On the way home, or to lunch, yes, you might take a bag. But men aren't women, it's unlikely I'm changing a sanitary item; so it can be very hard to be discrete. Then there's disposing of the thing; I tend to double bag it (something opaque) then drop it in the bin and bury it under some paper towels; but I don't find our toilets at work geared up for changing. Plus there's the noise of changing; diapers make a noise; plastic or textile; tearing four tabs open and sticking them on (or untaping four tabs to change) makes a unique noise - so having the toilets empty (or flushing the toilet to mask the noise) is a thing ...

So what's reality like in summary?

I'd rather have my control back.
I'd rather not be spending £hundreds a year on diapers - probably £50-£60/month spent at the moment.
I'd rather not need a special wardrobe or onesies and tshirts to keep everything concealed.
I'd rather not have to carry spare stuff with me everywhere.
I'd rather not have to change in dirty public toilets.
I'd rather not worry whether colleagues or people I know know more than they let on ...

However, given the cards I've been dealt; it could be worse; I've only got my bladder to worry about and I think those on here who deal with and manage bowel conditions too have a much harder time.

Sorry for the essay post. Kind of new here still

I see we have some excellent posts here and I am in agreement with regard to the inconvenience, embarrassment, etc., of being incontinent. I am double incontinent and manage it fairly well.

Most who are not incontinent have no idea how much total time in a day is lost due to incontinence - changing diapers, cleaning up, disposing of diaper trash, inventorying and ordering new supplies, etc. At night I wear thick cloth prefold diapers with thick cloth booster pads. They keep the bed dry but require a lot of laundering. Cleaning up after a messy diaper is time - consuming, and moreso if there has been a leak into my plastic pants. I use traditional red rubber bag enemas to manage my fecal incontinence. They work well but take time. I estimate that, on an average day, I spend a total of two hours on my incontinence.:sad:

Then there is the expense of incontinence. Most people underestimate it. As I am double incontinent my expense will be higher than if I were only bladder incontinent. The cost is not just the diapers. It all adds up quickly if you include the small things. The cost includes rash cream, powder, plastic pants, onesies, catheters, and enema supplies (Castile soap, KY, absorbent pads, and the hardware). Last year's total cost was over $6,000!:sad:

--John

mikejames said:

Are you really comparing Abena to ATNs and cheap store brands? Lol. You cant be serious. I wear a primo dry 247 to bed and wake up soaked like i was wearing a depends. My Abenas very rarely leak even at night. I homestly still think Abena is the gold stamdard in adult diapers....at least the plastic backed style. SENI Quatro is the only other diaper ive found that will almost never leak at night for me but i dont care for cloth backing.

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Not really comparing other than to point out they are not premium diapers. It's good they work for your needs, but they are far from the gold standard. In fact it's pretty well accepted they are not the best out there any more. True at one point they were, but the same can be said for depends. As in, they no longer are.

Currently the best premium diapers are Confidry24/7 and Northshore Supreme. Some also claim ABU and Fabines are premium diapers, but they have sizing/proper fit issues due to their use of a tape landing zone, which makes them questionable. Really good for those they work for yes, but barely premium.

Slomo said:

Not really comparing other than to point out they are not premium diapers. It's good they work for your needs, but they are far from the gold standard. In fact it's pretty well accepted they are not the best out there any more. True at one point they were, but the same can be said for depends. As in, they no longer are.

Currently the best premium diapers are Confidry24/7 and Northshore Supreme. Some also claim ABU and Fabines are premium diapers, but they have sizing/proper fit issues due to their use of a tape landing zone, which makes them questionable. Really good for those they work for yes, but barely premium.

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agree to disagree. I think Dry 24/7 are overbuilt and almost novelty diapers. They claim to hold a ton on paper, but leak badly for me. The plastic is 3x as thick as it needs to be and is extremely loud. the seat and crotch are to wide too IMO when prevents a good seal around the legs. Northshore Supremes are great abut I think they're very comparable to Abena. I think they rely a bit more on SAP where abenas are a bit more pulpy. I wish Abena would make a plastic L5 and maybe add 20% more absorbancy and I think they'd have a home run. Their cloth diapers are terrible in my opinion.

mikejames said:

agree to disagree. I think Dry 24/7 are overbuilt and almost novelty diapers. They claim to hold a ton on paper, but leak badly for me. The plastic is 3x as thick as it needs to be and is extremely loud. the seat and crotch are to wide too IMO when prevents a good seal around the legs. Northshore Supremes are great abut I think they're very comparable to Abena. I think they rely a bit more on SAP where abenas are a bit more pulpy. I wish Abena would make a plastic L5 and maybe add 20% more absorbancy and I think they'd have a home run. Their cloth diapers are terrible in my opinion.

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Just because they don't work for you doesn't mean they don't work. For me they are not overbuilt in the least. In fact, they alone are not absorbent enough to not leak on me overnight (no diaper is). There's nothing novel about this, it's a pure functionality standpoint.

Even so, they do hold a ton for me. Nearly double what abena can hold. It isn't the full rated amount, but a lot for sure. And the plastic is barely strong enough as is. It does sometimes rip on me right around the tapes. Any thinner and they would never hold up, so that isn't even an option.

Plus, the wider crotch means they can hold more in the area where it is needed the most. Now folding the diaper in half length wise before putting it on helps with making it fit more comfortably, but this alone isn't going to make it leak. Your problem is the way the leg openings are shaped, which doesn't line up with your body type and leaves a gap. This is what makes it leak, not the added padding.

And I'm not sure how you are able to say abena and northshore are comparable. Based on the manufacturers themselves they hold vastly different amounts. Northshore is somewhat comparable to confidry in this regard, and both are way more absorbent than abena. That's just a simple fact.

Well to put it how bowel incontinence feels... imagine periodically having to smell bad durring the course of the day along with some times feeling like someone poured acid on your backside. If you don't change in public, you suffer a great deal, are being inconsiderate to others and probably wont have alot of people wanting to be around you.

It is not fun at all. I was previously in your position, where I kind of fantasized about losing control, but I didn't really want it. I would much prefer not being incon, that is for damn sure. Firstly, when I started to lose bladder control, it was embarrassing, but manageable. I could get to the bathroom, though it hurt to hold my bladder. Gradually, it got worse. I had talked to my partner, who I was living with by the point it became necessary to wear protection, about enjoying wearing diapers for fun. I avoided telling him I actually needed them for the longest time, because it was embarrassing, of course. Also, I have avoided telling my doctor, especially now that I have waited so long to say anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but I don't want the doctor to judge me for not saying anything even though this has been going on for so long and I have pretty much lost the ability to know whether or not I need to urinate at all or I don't know until it's too late. At this point, I am wearing 24/7. I haven't wet at night, which is awesome, but I wet immediately when I wake up in the morning. I see my doctor every three months, but the longer I wait, the more reluctant I have become to say anything. I mean, what sane 21 year old would rather wear diapers than tell their doctor they are experiencing incontinence? Well, I have had a long history with doctors, and I honestly have come to terms with being incontinent, and I would rather not go to a doctor, because I am not willing to have surgery or take medication to solve the incontinence issues. For sure I would rather not be incontinent, but I would also prefer not having surgery and/or have any side-effects from medication. I have so many other issues with my body that cause much more distress, which doctors still have not figured out the cause of, and I am just so done with testing that comes up with no results, and the offer of medication. I am constantly in pain, and wetting myself doesn't seem like my biggest problem when I am having trouble walking up stairs, doing my job, writing a paper for school, and even sitting for more than an hour. My daily life is interrupted more by my pain than by the incontinence. Maybe, possibly, telling my doctor about the incontinence will help them figure out what the heck is going on with my body, but more likely they will think "21 with incontinence, he must be struggling so hard with this, we must fix this issue immediately" and the focus will be on managing/fixing incontinence rather than the pain that actually stops me from doing necessary daily tasks.

First thing you should do if you experience incontinence is tell your doctor, because it could be an easy fix or it could be a UTI or something worse. I don't have a UTI, and it's likely due to the same thing that is causing me to be in pain and for my muscles and tendons to be prone to injury.

Maybe it's because I already liked wearing diapers, but now they are just underwear. I don't feel any particular way about wearing diapers, anymore. I certainly don't get the enjoyment out of it than I used to. I don't lament that fact, though. I still enjoy being "little" sometimes, but the diapers don't add or detract from that headspace.

I have a small bladder problem where I can't hold my urine in for very long and if I need to go... I need to go immediately. I don't wear nappies/diapers but I do wear Tena Lady Maxi Pants which feel like pull ups but a lot more discreet. It's not a fun thing to have. I can't even imagine what it feels like to those with severe incontinence, I'm very sure it's not something one would ever desire to have. I have enough trouble with my mild bladder issues.

It's very embarrassing when you do wet yourself. It's different from when you purposefully wet a diaper. Having no control feels really awful, it makes you feel weak. I've had multiple accidents from when I couldn't get to the toilet quick enough, one involved faeces. Because I don't wear proper diapers, if I end up releasing my entire bladder, it leaks out straight away and can cause a lot of stress. I'm lucky that it only happened inside/near my home.

There was one time when I was trying new medication and it caused me to become really "loose" (I don't know how to describe it) but I was outside playing and then without warning, I pooped. It was horrific. I had my Tena Pants on but they are for urine leaks only so it went right through. It felt really uncomfortable and was a nightmare to clean. I was in tears. My mum had to help me bathe because I was so distressed over what had happened.

Anyway, I'd just say, be grateful you don't have an incontinence problem.