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Thread: My abuse.

  1. #1

    Default My abuse.

    I really need to get this off my chest as it's constantly effecting me to this day, but be warned a lot of the following is messed up. This might be a bit long for anyone who doesn't like to read I'll most likely end up crying at the end of this, but here goes. (it's only going to be certain parts)

    You know when people say, oh but you have people who care about you, or not everybody is like that, well from personal experience I've only ever met ONE person who hasn't treated me like a object, or abused me in some way shape or form.

    In early primary school, I didn't really have much issues, had some people pick on me and tell me a spider was on my head, maybe it was because I wasn't sure, but I remember being a loner most of that time. (I'm only going to cover a fraction of my abuse)

    Late primary school is where I had issues, I met a guy lets call him Anthony (not his real name) he wanted to be best friends with me and my best friend (lets call my best friend james) so me Anthony and James all seem to be great friends for a few weeks, and end up with a small group of Friends with Ethan and Bradley, a few weeks later that's where problems start, all my friends decided to run away from me for no reason hiding etc, so I went looking for them, this lasted weeks, than it got to the point where Ethan grabbed a pin from the wodern board and he would constantly kick me, and jab me with the pin to the point I would be bleeding, I think it was a total of 20 times, all I remember that day is going home in a lot of pain, but not caring too much about it.

    Later on Anthony decided to join in, he was the less violent out of all them all, but Anthony and Bradley and Ethan would kick me constantly while the teacher wasn't looking, this is where it got bad with Anthony he started to be my "friend" he turned James against me, and James family against me made me look like a very terrible person and to this day cannot debunk any of the shit he said.

    Than later on Bradley got very violent, I was pushed over a bench where I hurt my knee I remember my pants being covered in blood, It hurt a lot he would do this daily, I have scars on my legs due to this.

    It got to the point that they ended up doing this for 3 years, I dobbed on them, teachers did nothing, and it got very bad, teachers saw it, told them to stop but did nothing, even when I was covered in blood. At that point I knew nobody cared about me, as everyone I ever met turned against me.

    High School wasn't so bad. (Ethan leaves)
    First day of high school I spent alone, because Anthony and Bradley didn't want anything to do with me (what I mean by that is twisting my friend James to hang around them completely and avoiding me because I'm a bad person).

    After that for some reason, Anthony, and Bradley wanted to hang around me, fair enough, the bullying seemed to die down a bit, which was odd, but it got really bad in the end, everyday I was kicked or punched in the penis, lets say to the extent that I actually fell to the ground in agony I can't quite explain the pain, but it's the worst sharp feeling you will ever feel

    One day I was sitting on a ledge, at my school we had these poles you could sit on, and some of them had metal holding it together, but a lot of the previous kids rip out the metal so it sticks out, and it's sharp, I wasn't aware of this, and I got pushed off, I automatically grabbed onto the corner, and the force of the push sliced my finger open completely, I almost collapsed due to the blood loss and kind of saw a flap of skin, I went home early that day James claimed he didn't know what went on and that I left, I had blood pissing out and was covered in it.... so maybe he didn't see it, I don't know. (lets say this, underneath me was cement and bricks and if I didn't grab onto the ledge I most likely would of snapped my neck at the force I was pushed off at.

    Around this time Anthony's sister got diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer, and later on his dad were to get lung cancer, both died. This is where things started to get really fucked up.

    I joked to Anthony saying that I'll get anonymous onto you, I was young, and it was a common joke all the kids were pulling out, for some reason he decided to lash out at me, made a huge fuss about a small innocent joke, than made me look like a horrible person for some reason James family sided with him saying well some things you can't forgive, so I can forgive him for years of abuse, but it's okay for him to not forgive me over a joke that WASN'T EVEN HURTFUL, he just twisted it to make it seem that way. (mind you this was a year or so before his sister died from cancer) oddly enough later on he makes the same anonymous jokes to James, and IT'S COMPLETELY fine, wtf.

    That being said, that's when things started getting odd, he kind of turned James and his family against me even more, making out I said terrible things, and stealing my ideas and telling them to james, than making out that Anthony came up with the ideas, and seems confused when I happened to bring up a different story of me and Anthony wanting to start this massive company, which had the same fucking ideas and everything, which he found odd because he never told me about it, but wouldn't believe what I was saying and thought I was lying (due to earlier manipulation)

    He than decided to take screenshots of everything I said, he asked me a few things about James I disliked, and the things I like about him, well I dislike that James can sometimes be annoying, but who isn't and the good thing about he was he was a nice friend and good to hang around. Before I know it, he makes out I hate James completely etc completely twisting everything I said around etc making out he didn't screen shot the later chat where it states that I hate him.. right.

    So for some fucked up reason, James step brother decides to join in on the bullying, always siding with Anthony with whatever he said, both making me out to be a bad person and saying bad shit about me to his family, both knowing his full of shit, his step brother is known for talking shit and the parents never see though it. So, eventually down the line, Anthony hits me, I hit him back, I get death threats and James family was trying to threaten me saying well you do know he can sue you right, completely missing out the fact that It was self defense, and his step brother TOLD me to stick up for myself, later on giving me death threats and getting a lot of people onto me.

    Later on during high school, he created a fake Facebook account, asking for sex with random females from the school, Anthony made out it was me, and I got a lot of dirty looks and ended up with everyone hating me and wanting to kill me at the end of the year.

    (I think Anthony and Ethan were gas-lighting as well, even though James family knew I was being bullied and wanted to put a end to it, all of a sudden Ethan and Anthony never bullied anyone, and I was never bullied WTF. That and James brother always tells me to go kill myself, or better yet lies and twists the truth right in front of your face. He would always stick up for Anthony and not me, it got to the point where he made out I was always harassing and abusing Anthony making out I never got abused etc even though I have the scars to prove it.

    Though nowadays I don't have to deal with bullying I still have to deal with a abusive father, he isn't always abusive but he always puts me down, calls me retarded an idiot, thinks I'm full of shit when I'm being honest and rarely lie etc, my brain filters out the worst of the worst, but I could stay up for days studying and would complain about me sleeping all day calling me a dole bludger and a waste of oxygen, making out all I do is sleep all day, yeah right.. sleeping for three hours after being up for 4 days isn't sleeping all day, fuck can't I sleep when it's cold. He had a go at me when I lost my id because he was rushing me around wanting me to withdraw money from the bank etc, because of the constant pressure he puts me under I completely forget my id card and leave it home, so he has a go at me, calls me a fucking useless idiot yelling on top of his voice, and me and him being in the car, felt fucking terrified.

    I don't think he has ever said well done to anything I've done, got into tafe, eventually completed it, he said it was a waste of time and was pissed off that I was doing tafe in the first place, he has a go at me whenever I buy computer parts every now and again, and has a go at me for ordering shit off the internet, tries to break his way into my room, thinking he can just invade my privacy, even small things, oh I got mud on the cement, he loses his shit, accidentally spills a tiny bit of sugar, loses it again etc. Has a go at me for not having a job, threatens me with homelessness over STUPID shit, the way I get treated makes you think I abuse, or fucking destroy shit. I understand threatening to kick out a violent teen, but I'm not violent, you want to ruin my future all because I walk mud on the cement or sleep all day once, well fuck you.

    I suffer from full blown muscle spams, and arm jerks, so sometimes no matter how careful I am, it's kind of hard to grab a spoon and put sugar in it, without my hand jerking and knocking it. it's from my high level of anxiety.

    So that's most of my abuse off the chest, let me know what you think.
    Last edited by LittleJess; 03-Feb-2017 at 16:17.

  2. #2

    Default

    *hugs tightly* Some of this was very hard for me to read, honestly. I can't really deal with blood or violence at all. >.>;;

    But I will share this. I had a bully taunting me in grade school. Making fun of me while he was supposed to be the so-called "lav monitor" and other things. I'm guessing you've seen "A Christmas Story" and the scene where Ralphie beats the ever-loving snotballs out of Scut Farkus. Here it is: Ralphie vs the bully. What happened with me was almost EXACTLY like that. I literally pounced on him and started pummeling him in the face. I'm not a very strong person though, so he didn't even get a bloody nose from it (unlike Scut Farkus), but it scared the crap out of him and he just left me alone after that.

    It sounds like there's a little bit more complexity involved in your situation. But I would say... be careful who you make friends with, or try to make friends with. People can really backstab you if you don't. It's just how a lot of people are. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have are long-standing and I'm very close to them. I selected them carefully.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Sapphyre View Post
    *hugs tightly* Some of this was very hard for me to read, honestly. I can't really deal with blood or violence at all. >.>;;

    But I will share this. I had a bully taunting me in grade school. Making fun of me while he was supposed to be the so-called "lav monitor" and other things. I'm guessing you've seen "A Christmas Story" and the scene where Ralphie beats the ever-loving snotballs out of Scut Farkus. Here it is: Ralphie vs the bully. What happened with me was almost EXACTLY like that. I literally pounced on him and started pummeling him in the face. I'm not a very strong person though, so he didn't even get a bloody nose from it (unlike Scut Farkus), but it scared the crap out of him and he just left me alone after that.

    It sounds like there's a little bit more complexity involved in your situation. But I would say... be careful who you make friends with, or try to make friends with. People can really backstab you if you don't. It's just how a lot of people are. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have are long-standing and I'm very close to them. I selected them carefully.
    I generally avoid most people, I'm not trying to come off negative, but every person I've tried to befriend, abuses me, treats me like a object etc, I've had all my so called friends back stab, abuse me, black mail me etc, It was so bad in secondary school I actually developed social anxiety, and constantly think, why are they being nice, what's in it for them, or there only being nice because that's the job, or they want something, or better yet they may be plotting to hurt me in a bad way over a period of time.

    Literally every friend I've ever had, has hurt or abused me in some what shape or form, though with James, it started off as a true friendship, but my bullies really fucked with him, and it got to the point where he always thought I was lying, yet being fed lies from Anthony all the time.

    That does remind me of a little story in primary school, sometime decided to flip me (as in trip me while I was walking), I don't know what happened, but I got so pissed off, punched the guy in the ear, he was soon scared of me, but making out it didn't hurt or it tickled, yet I knew by his voice he was scared shitless of me, funny thing is, nobody said anything and the teacher didn't see it, everyone was so shocked. But that was mostly an unintentional, I went though that much abuse, I flinch at everything literally everything flies lands on me, my hand flinches like I've just been punched, it's effected me on a very physical level that you can see if you met me, come to close, I accidentally flinch or block you, for example if you put your hand on my shoulder I might unintentionally block it, with my brain thinking oh fuck he is trying to punch me. It's like my brain is in protect mode lol. (first time the guy did it broke my phone :/ which was my birthday present)

    A lot of my panic attacks stem from loud noises, or even social situations because of this, I guess my diaper fetish is related to abuse because it brings comfort and makes me feel loved, which I haven't felt for such a long time.

    My brain has blocked out the bad stuff, but there is a lot worse that I haven't mentioned, but can't recall it, I know it happened, but can't recall any details on it. I even had personal objects stolen and broken.

    On my 18th and 19th no one came to my party, everyone forgot including a lot of my family members, I got drunk and sad, because at the end of the day, as much as I lie to myself, nobody other than me cares about me, I'm just another number or statistic, meaningless in the world.

  4. #4

    Default

    Now look... I care about you, and so far as I know (correct me if I'm wrong) I've never treated you like some kind of object. If I have, I'm truly sorry.

    Diapers are just comforting to those who enjoy them. I don't think it stems from abuse, exactly, but is its own thing and can help you cope with abuse.

    And having been through abuse myself, I often flinch a lot too. But things like thunderstorms don't do that to me... I might flinch the first time thunder cracks, but once I know what's happening, I kind of just want to go see it. I have absolutely no idea how I would react to experiencing an earthquake. o.o;;

    I stopped having birthday parties after about the age of 12. No one came, and when they did, like when I held one at a local arcade, they came for their own amusement and pretty much ignored me. So, screw them. I don't need them. o.o;

  5. #5

    Default

    I have had people tell me what I went through as a kid was normal and that kids do those things. It always infuriates me and makes me feel I have mental issues and I am just too sensitive to deal with normal things everyone goes through. But the fact that I was always a target for these things and kids just liked to take advantage of me and target me and everyone else thought this was all normal and I just needed to toughen up. I don't think the adults understood.

    Yes many kids have had it worse than me because I never had my lunch get taken nor was I ever beaten up or given any swirleys or had my clothes taken or my pants pulled down or my hair pulled or anything poured over me. Guess what, another boy in my school who also had a disability didn't have either of that stuff happen to him either. No one in my school did those things. They teased and name called and picked on you and would try and get you into trouble by trying to tell you to do things or make you do things that are wrong or make up stories or try to humiliate you by giving you one of their snacks when in fact they had done something to it so they will laugh at you and tell you where that piece of food had been, and they found anything to make fun of you about like your hair or ears or the way you talked, your height, etc. and they would also make critical comments and by 6th grade it was so worse I was starting to be spat at on the playground by these boys and the teasing and harassment was worse by then and I was falling apart and anyone who dares to tell me this is all normal, I don't know what to do about their ignorant comment anymore.

    Then my mom tells me she doesn't think I was ever bullied but that doesn't make my feelings invalid or how it affected me. She knows kids were mean to me but she doesn't think it was bullying probably because she has seen worse or heard worse. But to me that is still invalid because bullying is also a spectrum. You only hear the worse of it in the media and online and in books. That is why stereotypes are harmful.

    My mother also had the nerve to tell me I was sensitive so it all stuck out more so I told her that makes me feel I exaggerated and I was being a special snowflake and feeling like I was a little wuss for not being able to handle normal teasing and stuff so I "whined" about it as a kid.

    And people say kids are innocent but I don't think so. I think people only say kids are innocent because they are naive and are easily manipulated and they don't know a lot of stuff or understand the world around them because they hadn't been on earth long enough or learn enough about life to know about the real world. They can't even consent because they don't understand sex and they are very gullible because they will believe what grown ups tell them.

  6. #6
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    -snip-
    Please .... please don't take this offensive o.o, I am just going to give you my thoughts on the matter. Take them with a grain of salt, it's just my opinion and maybe it can help or you can just disregard it entirely.

    By societies standards, that sort of thing is normal. That isn't to say it's right. I consider any type of bullying wrong and any amount of it can negatively affect a person a great deal, as everyone handles things differently. There are some who can easily take it, and there are others who cannot. That is ok, we are all different.

    So what I am trying to say is, it's ok to be more on the sensitive side and to admit that is the case. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Nor does it mean you have mental issues.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post
    Please .... please don't take this offensive o.o, I am just going to give you my thoughts on the matter. Take them with a grain of salt, it's just my opinion and maybe it can help or you can just disregard it entirely.

    By societies standards, that sort of thing is normal. That isn't to say it's right. I consider any type of bullying wrong and any amount of it can negatively affect a person a great deal, as everyone handles things differently. There are some who can easily take it, and there are others who cannot. That is ok, we are all different.

    So what I am trying to say is, it's ok to be more on the sensitive side and to admit that is the case. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Nor does it mean you have mental issues.
    Actually I did take offense. Great I'm crazy and why did I even bother reading the rest after reading "Please please don't take offense"?

    God I fucking hate myself.

  8. #8
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    Actually I did take offense. Great I'm crazy and why did I even bother reading the rest after reading "Please please don't take offense"?

    God I fucking hate myself.
    Can I ask why you find it offensive? What is offensive about being sensitive exactly? Also, why does it make you feel crazy?

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    I have had people tell me what I went through as a kid was normal and that kids do those things. It always infuriates me and makes me feel I have mental issues and I am just too sensitive to deal with normal things everyone goes through. But the fact that I was always a target for these things and kids just liked to take advantage of me and target me and everyone else thought this was all normal and I just needed to toughen up. I don't think the adults understood.

    Yes many kids have had it worse than me because I never had my lunch get taken nor was I ever beaten up or given any swirleys or had my clothes taken or my pants pulled down or my hair pulled or anything poured over me. Guess what, another boy in my school who also had a disability didn't have either of that stuff happen to him either. No one in my school did those things. They teased and name called and picked on you and would try and get you into trouble by trying to tell you to do things or make you do things that are wrong or make up stories or try to humiliate you by giving you one of their snacks when in fact they had done something to it so they will laugh at you and tell you where that piece of food had been, and they found anything to make fun of you about like your hair or ears or the way you talked, your height, etc. and they would also make critical comments and by 6th grade it was so worse I was starting to be spat at on the playground by these boys and the teasing and harassment was worse by then and I was falling apart and anyone who dares to tell me this is all normal, I don't know what to do about their ignorant comment anymore.

    Then my mom tells me she doesn't think I was ever bullied but that doesn't make my feelings invalid or how it affected me. She knows kids were mean to me but she doesn't think it was bullying probably because she has seen worse or heard worse. But to me that is still invalid because bullying is also a spectrum. You only hear the worse of it in the media and online and in books. That is why stereotypes are harmful.

    My mother also had the nerve to tell me I was sensitive so it all stuck out more so I told her that makes me feel I exaggerated and I was being a special snowflake and feeling like I was a little wuss for not being able to handle normal teasing and stuff so I "whined" about it as a kid.

    And people say kids are innocent but I don't think so. I think people only say kids are innocent because they are naive and are easily manipulated and they don't know a lot of stuff or understand the world around them because they hadn't been on earth long enough or learn enough about life to know about the real world. They can't even consent because they don't understand sex and they are very gullible because they will believe what grown ups tell them.
    It dosent matter persons got it very bad it was abuse we all are not the same.
    It hurt and shaped us in side . One day at a time is all we can do. I'm a ab to be safe from the hurt and cope. A Big Hug To All Of You That suffered.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    Actually I did take offense. Great I'm crazy and why did I even bother reading the rest after reading "Please please don't take offense"?

    God I fucking hate myself.
    I dont hate you.
    You should not hate you eather.
    It can be hard to living with the past scar's we have
    I know how it is
























    i'm there also best we can is support one another.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    I have had people tell me what I went through as a kid was normal and that kids do those things. It always infuriates me and makes me feel I have mental issues and I am just too sensitive to deal with normal things everyone goes through. But the fact that I was always a target for these things and kids just liked to take advantage of me and target me and everyone else thought this was all normal and I just needed to toughen up. I don't think the adults understood.

    Yes many kids have had it worse than me because I never had my lunch get taken nor was I ever beaten up or given any swirleys or had my clothes taken or my pants pulled down or my hair pulled or anything poured over me. Guess what, another boy in my school who also had a disability didn't have either of that stuff happen to him either. No one in my school did those things. They teased and name called and picked on you and would try and get you into trouble by trying to tell you to do things or make you do things that are wrong or make up stories or try to humiliate you by giving you one of their snacks when in fact they had done something to it so they will laugh at you and tell you where that piece of food had been, and they found anything to make fun of you about like your hair or ears or the way you talked, your height, etc. and they would also make critical comments and by 6th grade it was so worse I was starting to be spat at on the playground by these boys and the teasing and harassment was worse by then and I was falling apart and anyone who dares to tell me this is all normal, I don't know what to do about their ignorant comment anymore.

    Then my mom tells me she doesn't think I was ever bullied but that doesn't make my feelings invalid or how it affected me. She knows kids were mean to me but she doesn't think it was bullying probably because she has seen worse or heard worse. But to me that is still invalid because bullying is also a spectrum. You only hear the worse of it in the media and online and in books. That is why stereotypes are harmful.

    My mother also had the nerve to tell me I was sensitive so it all stuck out more so I told her that makes me feel I exaggerated and I was being a special snowflake and feeling like I was a little wuss for not being able to handle normal teasing and stuff so I "whined" about it as a kid.

    And people say kids are innocent but I don't think so. I think people only say kids are innocent because they are naive and are easily manipulated and they don't know a lot of stuff or understand the world around them because they hadn't been on earth long enough or learn enough about life to know about the real world. They can't even consent because they don't understand sex and they are very gullible because they will believe what grown ups tell them.
    Technically, I wasn't bullied "badly" either in the sense that I was never beaten up nor given "swirlies", etc. But I was mocked constantly and that did affect me pretty strongly. And my mother was a bit ignorant about all of it too... she told me I just had to learn to get along with people better. So... I did. When a bully pushed me too far I pounced on him and started punching (I've mentioned this is another thread, but it was just like in "A Christmas Story"). And while I wasn't strong enough to hurt him at all, I scared him, and he left me alone after that. And weirdly enough, my mom was actually pissed when she found out. That didn't make any sense to me, and actually it still doesn't. She told me to learn to get along with bullies better, so I got the main one to leave me alone. Gee, now we're getting along better. Is that not what she told me to do? I have no idea what else she might have expected of me. In retrospect, I think she was just a bit stupid.

    And yeah, kids are, by and large, pretty mean. Naive, but mean. Actually those two might kind of go together. Kindness is something most people have to learn, although some perpetually lack the motivation to.

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