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Thread: Post-traumatic experiences, concerns and worries..

  1. #1

    Default Post-traumatic experiences, concerns and worries..

    Hi everyone, I feel the need to say some things and maybe be talked to about some of this.

    The last 3ish years of my life were basically a living nightmare, being with someone who abused me on and off emotionally since the third month of the relationship. Recently, things came to an end between us and I've found myself embracing my little side. I tried for a long time to end the relationship, but I couldn't. I didn't have the courage to face being alone with everything going on in my life. During all of this, my little side was completely dormant, I'd began thinking on it around the last year of everything because some of the days were so difficult, I couldn't find any way to cope with *anything*. I'd lost my appetite, my sleeping patterns had become nonsensical, and waking up became hard. I was losing weight rapidly, my health was on the decline.

    "if I could just accept it, and be accepted for it.. maybe some of this would stop."

    I made appointments and began seeing a therapist, which I followed through with incredible difficulty, as I have a fear of medicine and doctors after my childhood went awry because of them mostly. I started medication in January and since then I've faced myriad episodes of suicidal thoughts/tendencies and severe depression. Something I've *never* dealt with. I love my life, I couldn't fathom how I got here, but 3 years of someone constantly taking from you will leave you without a lot of things, one of which might be your mind.

    A few weeks ago I just decided I was tired of hiding, tired of dealing with everything. Tired of feeling awful for someone that did little more than push me over the edge. I lost my house that same month of the breakup, my medicine regimen had just begun, I had multiple appointments, I was everywhere...

    It was a mess. I found myself in the hospital one evening. I had overdosed. I was sent home under the care of family. ..I foolishly talked to my abuser about it, and was told "prove it. prove you were in the hospital.." I almost immediately lost it all over again. I remember sleeping for long periods after this and just trying to be around what friends I had. I needed support, and to this day, I still do..

    I had a pacifier I'd gotten somewhere along the times, and I used it. It took a while, but I for the first time, found my little space.. Since then, I'm finding it hard to want to be anything else. I'm finding it hard to talk about this, I'm finding it hard to care, but at the same time if I've began all of this due to trauma or things going on in my life, I feel worried..

    Is it okay that this is the way I'm coping? Is it okay that I'm just running away? I'm trying my best to just be open and accepting of how I feel and what I want for the first time in my life, and it's such an odd feeling to just indulge in something and be where you want to be.. it's scary!

    I'm sorry if this is too long to read, or a no one cares or stupid kinda thing. I don't have my paci or anything to use right now, very stressed and feeling upset and worried. This is all so new to me! And to do it all alone too.. goodness. I lost a ton of friends along the way.. I have this feeling of having everything taken away from me. I guess I'm looking for new friends in some of you!
    Last edited by gigglebutt; 02-Feb-2017 at 13:28.

  2. #2

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    I think it's great that you're getting help! That's so awesome, and even though it's hard I've seen it help so many people... I'm actually kinda a but stuck there myself, as I know I need to talk to someone, but I just can't get over the shame of needing mental/psychological help.

    So maybe I'm not the best source of advice, but I don't think you shouldn't be afraid of the comfort and solace your little side brings you - at least not in of itself.

    I think if it's out of control, that's when you should worry.

    I mean ... personally I've self managed my anxiety at times with prescription drugs, and with alcohol. At times those have been an OK way to manage my feelings, sleep, anger... and at other times it's gotten out of control, and has started impacting my work or my family and friend relationships.

    Despite that, when things are under control, I haven't stopped enjoying good wine, or having a deep interest in making fun cocktails, or being able to use narcotic painkillers when I broke my ribs. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I don't think my interest, use or enjoyment of these things is solely defined by the fact that they have been powerful psychological crutches/tools for me in times of need.

    For me personally, the soothing aspects of my little side indulgences seem to work just like the booze and pills (or binge watching slice of life anime), sometimes they can be a way to manage. I'm keenly aware that it can also get out of hand... and there's some clear lines in the sand that I know are warning signs.

    But despite the fact that I can use it for comfort that doesn't mean that it's not a real part of me. I've slowly realized it is something I need. It's been a part of me in so many ways for so long that it's amazingly liberating to start to enjoy embracing it!

    Personally I think you should talk to your therapist about this ... maybe you don't need to be so specific about exactly what it is you are doing if you don't want to, but the idea of indulging in mindless/calming activities and how helpful they have been, including the worry that you're using them too much... I suspect they can help you work through your feelings about this and figuring out what are appropriate limits.

    And... BIIIIG HUUUGSS!!! We're absolutely here to be friends!!!

  3. #3

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    Awww... *hugs* this breaks my heart.

    I never had to deal with an abusive mate... actually, I'm pretty tough to get together with in general... but I had very abusive parents. I learned how to "hit back" proverbially speaking, and that worked for me. But I still suffer with rather serious anxiety issues and I'm still losing weight because of them. I'm scheduled to see a psychiatrist eventually because they're all booked out around here for over a month. It's not the first time I've been referred to one... but the last time it didn't work out. It's not that I'm afraid of them, exactly, but that I view them as consultants. Last time, I was put on an antidepressant which I knew was addictive, but was promised at the beginning that if for any reason I wanted to discontinue, she'd help me off of it and try something else. That moment came because it wasn't working well for me anymore and the side effects were becoming increasingly significant... this was after around 8 months of taking it. And she refused, saying she thought I should continue anyway. So she broke her promise, and more importantly, she tried to take an important health-care decision out of my own hands. So guess what? No dice. -_- I walked out, and weaned myself off of the prescription. I suffered quite a few withdrawal symptoms as I did, but, I refused to go back. Principle of the thing. I am in charge of my health care, and nobody else, and that's just how it is.

    So... I'm still quite a mess myself, but I'm a VERY STUBBORN mess and my terms are very specific. My other doctors that I still see have come to understand that for the most part, I'm going to tell THEM what to do, so long as I know what the solution is. I just won't be pushed around.

    As for your little side... *hugs* It's perfectly OK to indulge in that so long as it doesn't become a habit to avoid things. Be watchful for when it becomes detrimental.

    And screw the "friends" you've lost... they weren't friends, else you'd not have lost them. Let them go fly a kite.

    I'll stop here since I'm starting to write a novel... but *hugs* Take care of yourself, and don't worry about such things. And your former abusive partner can go take a flying leap at a rolling donut IMO.

  4. #4

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    Thank you both for the words of encouragement! They mean a lot to me. I kind of wear my heart on my sleeve..

    Rabbit, I know that feeling of anxiety and inability to go and see someone. It's a double-edged sword because you want help, but you need help to get help sometimes. I turned to anyone I could for help, some people completely turned their backs on me and abandoned me flat out when I became a depressed mess for a while. It's why I say I feel I've lost so much..friendship is a huuuuge deal to me! I hate having goodbyes or having someone sour at me over somethin' I've tried to explain the best I can for a little understanding, you know? Everyone was so used to the upbeat "perfectly fine me" that when I became anything else, well.. I don't know. I was expelled from my circles mostly.. There will maybe come a time where you can't put it off any longer. When you can't handle it alone, and that's something I've talked about a lot with everyone, that I just couldn't do it alone anymore. I hope if it ever comes, you'll find some support in those around you. I couldn't have done it by myself. Maybe I'll be someone that can be there for you. I'd actually like that very much..

    Sapph, I share so many feelings of yours as well! While my parents spoiled me rotten, they were the only ones to ever be close to me really up until my first relationships in my 20s. I've had a lot of crappy friends, ones that treat me poorly, and I also learned to snap back sometimes, but it takes a lot for me to do it.

    My medicinal fears come from the first 15 or so years where I was on several medications that were completely--and this was admitted by my current therapist--unnecessary for someone my age. It damaged me permanently and cost me a lot. The end of that medicine was me awake for 6 days straight, having a seizure at the end of it, and crashing sick as could be at such a young age.. Part of going back and accepting this help included the determination that I wasn't a child anymore, and I would have complete control over what I was taking. I had to let that settle in for over 3 months before I could be okay with so much as calling to schedule anything. I also understand the wait.. my appointments didn't start for 4 months from the date they were made.. I also had someone threatening to leave me if I didn't act, which was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever dealt with in my life, looking back on it. I tried to explain it takes months to get an open appointment spot, I have anxieties and things that take time for me to grow into comfort with, and it was just a constant push and one fight after another about my feelings and health..

    Withdrawal is a beast I've dealt with on several medications. Staying strong is the hardest thing ever during the periods where you're tapering off. It's difficult to deal with but it always passes. Part of why I was having such a hard time was being introduced to such a high dose of medicine after having taken no medicine whatsoever for over 10 years.. I don't know if I was truly ready to die or if it was the medicine talking and that *still* scares me beyond what the English language is capable of explaining. :<

    And don't worry about writing a novel.. I tend to do that if you haven't already noticed! It's a good thing sometimes.

    I came out of this with just a few people left, and those are the ones truly close to me now methinks. I need to stop thinking about the past a little. It's why I'm here, after all.. I came here as a step forward. So far, nothing but positives. Everyone I've met has been a total sweetheart. I'll keep indulging and I'll keep an eye out for anything that might be bad, even if I don't know what I'm looking for yet.. I don't want this to go poorly at all; I think it's going to be a big part of me.. I want it to be a positive one. I want to be little for now. I want to just...be me. I want to cry. I want to wet, I want to suck my paci and hug my stuffed animals. I want to forget for a little while.
    Last edited by gigglebutt; 02-Feb-2017 at 18:31.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    Is it okay that this is the way I'm coping? Is it okay that I'm just running away? I'm trying my best to just be open and accepting of how I feel and what I want for the first time in my life, and it's such an odd feeling to just indulge in something and be where you want to be.. it's scary!
    No, there's nothing wrong with that! if it helps you feel better, and are able to keep moving forward because of it, then you're not truly running away.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    Rabbit, I know that feeling of anxiety and inability to go and see someone. It's a double-edged sword because you want help, but you need help to get help sometimes. I turned to anyone I could for help, some people completely turned their backs on me and abandoned me flat out when I became a depressed mess for a while. It's why I say I feel I've lost so much..friendship is a huuuuge deal to me! I hate having goodbyes or having someone sour at me over somethin' I've tried to explain the best I can for a little understanding, you know? Everyone was so used to the upbeat "perfectly fine me" that when I became anything else, well.. I don't know. I was expelled from my circles mostly.. There will maybe come a time where you can't put it off any longer. When you can't handle it alone, and that's something I've talked about a lot with everyone, that I just couldn't do it alone anymore. I hope if it ever comes, you'll find some support in those around you. I couldn't have done it by myself. Maybe I'll be someone that can be there for you. I'd actually like that very much..
    Yeah, I've hit bottom a couple times before in my life, the first time due to job loss and the second time when the anxiety medication I was on was messing me up... so I know the warning signs that I've absolutely got to go deal with this current ... situation. It's hard. Right now I've told lots of folks close to me, and they tell me I need to do it, and I set myself a deadline to call some folks... and I just blow right through it. Of course nobody actually wants to follow up and say ... 'hey how are you doin? did you actually go and see a head doctor or are you still all messed up?" LOL So I don't blame them ... and my wife, I know she wants to help, but she's also walking on eggshells so I think that's why she's not pushing. Just this morning we talked about it and got that aired out a bit...

    Getting professional help ... was incredibly hard to even consider. Just accepting that it was the right next step was itself a huge relief, but now I'm going in circles of feeling like I'm getting things back under control for a few days until something cracks and I realize... nope... not OK right now.

    And yeah, I'm terrified of seeing someone and then being pushed back into a regular regimen of medication that can have such dramatic side effects as suicidal depression. I know that's what gets prescribed in some cases because it's judged to be better than the alternative, but I just can't trust that...



    I want to be little for now. I want to just...be me. I want to cry. I want to wet, I want to suck my paci and hug my stuffed animals. I want to forget for a little while.
    Shhhhhhh, there there, it's OK. I think it's OK and I think you totally can be as little as you wanna!
    Sending big HUUUUUUUGS and gentle head pats your way... you can borrow my stuffie to squeeze too if you want!

    Um... wanna watch sum cartoons?

  7. #7

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    Um... wanna watch sum cartoons?
    Yes. :>

    I was just thinking about some tiny toon adventures or a pup named scooby doo..

    "It was none other than... Red Herring!" haha..

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    Hi everyone, I feel the need to say some things and maybe be talked to about some of this.

    The last 3ish years of my life were basically a living nightmare, being with someone who abused me on and off emotionally since the third month of the relationship. Recently, things came to an end between us and I've found myself embracing my little side. I tried for a long time to end the relationship, but I couldn't. I didn't have the courage to face being alone with everything going on in my life. During all of this, my little side was completely dormant, I'd began thinking on it around the last year of everything because some of the days were so difficult, I couldn't find any way to cope with *anything*. I'd lost my appetite, my sleeping patterns had become nonsensical, and waking up became hard. I was losing weight rapidly, my health was on the decline.

    "if I could just accept it, and be accepted for it.. maybe some of this would stop."

    I made appointments and began seeing a therapist, which I followed through with incredible difficulty, as I have a fear of medicine and doctors after my childhood went awry because of them mostly. I started medication in January and since then I've faced myriad episodes of suicidal thoughts/tendencies and severe depression. Something I've *never* dealt with. I love my life, I couldn't fathom how I got here, but 3 years of someone constantly taking from you will leave you without a lot of things, one of which might be your mind.

    A few weeks ago I just decided I was tired of hiding, tired of dealing with everything. Tired of feeling awful for someone that did little more than push me over the edge. I lost my house that same month of the breakup, my medicine regimen had just begun, I had multiple appointments, I was everywhere...

    It was a mess. I found myself in the hospital one evening. I had overdosed. I was sent home under the care of family. ..I foolishly talked to my abuser about it, and was told "prove it. prove you were in the hospital.." I almost immediately lost it all over again. I remember sleeping for long periods after this and just trying to be around what friends I had. I needed support, and to this day, I still do..

    I had a pacifier I'd gotten somewhere along the times, and I used it. It took a while, but I for the first time, found my little space.. Since then, I'm finding it hard to want to be anything else. I'm finding it hard to talk about this, I'm finding it hard to care, but at the same time if I've began all of this due to trauma or things going on in my life, I feel worried..

    Is it okay that this is the way I'm coping? Is it okay that I'm just running away? I'm trying my best to just be open and accepting of how I feel and what I want for the first time in my life, and it's such an odd feeling to just indulge in something and be where you want to be.. it's scary!

    I'm sorry if this is too long to read, or a no one cares or stupid kinda thing. I don't have my paci or anything to use right now, very stressed and feeling upset and worried. This is all so new to me! And to do it all alone too.. goodness. I lost a ton of friends along the way.. I have this feeling of having everything taken away from me. I guess I'm looking for new friends in some of you!
    I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult it has been coping with all these problems. I'm glad you've opened up to talk about it here. You'll find a lot of support on this site.

    There are a number of different types of abuse: emotional, physical, financial, and they all have a common denominator. It is all about exerting control over you. Always remember that what happened to you is a crime and it has nothing to do with your behaviour. He is at fault. You never need to accept it or feel you were responsible for what happened.

    It takes a lot of courage to leave this type of relationship. Abusers often make their victims feel that they won't be able to survive in the outside world away from the relationship. This is where you need to stay strong and not have any more contact with him. He will only try and draw you back into the relationship. You need to surround yourself with good positive support. I saw from your previous posts that you're residing in Knoxville. The YM-YWCA in your area has a support group program for women leaving emotional and physical abuse. I would suggest you contact them and join. It will help you see that you are far from the only person going through this and will help surround you with others who have lived the experience. You are not alone. The program could supplement the counselling you are receiving from your therapist and may provide other resources and referrals as well.

    "YWCA 865*215-6845*-*Group is for women victims and survivors of emotional, mental, or physical abuse"


    Abusers often isolate their victims from their friends and their family. It's a common strategy to ensure that anyone who may care about her will be removed from the situation so she has no one to confide in or tell what is happening. It also reinforces the sole control over the victim. If your friends and family have not been in touch with you, it may be because of his interference. If you were to talk to them today, they may tell you they suspected the abuse but were unable to intervene due to a number of variables. If that is the case, then they would likely want to hear from you now just to know that you're okay. It may also be a chance for reconciliation. Victims of abusers often fear the finality of ending a relationship and sometimes return, often due to loneliness, which is why you need to seek out as much positive support as possible. Having no relationship temporarily is still better, and safer, than a dangerous, toxic and harmful relationship. You're doing the right thing.

    I'd also like to provide a link to the hotlines in Tennessee. If you scroll down on the link below, you will find a list of helplines specifically for Knoxdale. I encourage you to use it as often as required.

    http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/tenn...-hotlines.html

    What you're doing is probably the hardest thing you have ever done. It's the hardest thing to live through, but with good help and proper support, including Adisc, these painful days will pass. You will get back on your feet again and you will love again.

    I'm in your corner.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    (...) *snip*
    So I'll share this...

    From a more physical standpoint, my former physician prescribed me an allergy medicine that was inhalable (NasaCort). It helped but, shortly thereafter, I began to suffer random nosebleeds. Completely random, they'd just start out of nowhere. And sometimes they'd go on for hours. Since this was in the winter, my former physician decided it must be due to dry air. But when it continued into the summer, he decided it must be due to HUMID air. -_-;; The idiot never put together the fact that his own prescription was causing the problem. NasaCort, like many inhalable allergy blockers, works by constricting the blood vessels in the nasal passages. As it wears off, it does so unevenly, creating pressure points that easily burst, causing the nosebleeds. This is one of MANY examples that made me just decide to take charge of my own health care.

    Here's a more recent one. A few years ago I came down with a fever, chills, and body aches... but nothing else. No sinusitis, no sore throat, etc. And the fever lingered for over a week. So, initially, it was blankets and miso soup and Naproxen (Aleve) for the pain. But as it kept going, I started to wonder what was up. That was when I discovered the bull's-eye rash... it was Lyme disease. So, I looked up what was effective as treatment for that, and out of the antibiotics suggested, I picked the one that I knew my very delicate digestive system could tolerate. Then I went to my current PCP and instructed him to prescribe that. He didn't listen, he thought another would be more effective. Well, guess what, I puked them back up in less than 20 minutes. And when I first called his office, his staff told me that didn't matter... as long as the antibiotic made it past my esophagus it was just as good as digesting it fully. I just about ripped them a new one for saying something so stupid. So eventually, my PCP prescribed something else, still not what I instructed him to. Same problem. In the end, he just gave me what I asked for. I was annoyed that I had to bludgeon him so much for it.

    But I'll play "hardball" when I have to. In a way that can be therapeutic for me as well. I have a lot of pent-up anger, which is part of my anxiety issues... so if someone essentially volunteers to be my punching bag... they're in for it.

    As for dying... I've been suicidal in the past, and for a long time. But I couldn't bring myself to carry through with it. I'm glad, now, that I couldn't. Death is scary stuff, and from what I've read from those who have, e.g. jumped off a bridge and survived, they regretted jumping while they were falling. They wished they hadn't. Life is a very precious gift. I say nuts to what anyone else thinks of you, that's their problem if they can't accept you, and how you feel, and who you are.

    And there's nothing wrong with crying, for sure. Or wanting to be comforted. Just make sure it's a temporary respite and not a habitual response that paralyzes you from moving forwards. ^^

  10. #10

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    I died once. It was a peaceful bliss of nothingness. Of course I'm better now too. I still wouldn't recommend it though. There's no way I'm voluntarily going before I get back the money I've been paying into social security and medicare.

    And sapphyre, time to get a new pcm/pcp (primary care manager/physician). I've dealt with general doctors, orthopedics, allergists, and urologists like this a galore. I agree 100% in becoming your own expert in what you have wrong first. Take that (with a grain of salt) to your doc and if they don't at least consider your educated theories, then drop them fast. No doctor is perfect, and no doctor will be an absolute expert in exactly what you have. (trust me, even the specialists do a LOT of guessing). If they are pretending otherwise, then you know they are no good so it's time to find someone better.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebutt View Post
    Is it okay that this is the way I'm coping? Is it okay that I'm just running away? I'm trying my best to just be open and accepting of how I feel and what I want for the first time in my life, and it's such an odd feeling to just indulge in something and be where you want to be.. it's scary!

    Yes, it is absolutely ok with you coping by getting into a little head space. This is an accepted means of stress management that more and more therapists are realising is perfectly acceptable (being it's not illegal nor immoral, nor harmful either). I can understand why it's so difficult for you to return to adult hood too. It's hard, but has been particularly bad for you. It is kind of a requirement in life though, so do what you can to face the least stressful way you can.

    And yes you need to run away and get out of your bad situation. It's natural for humans to fear change of the unknown. You are not the first person to actually choose staying with an abusive person versus blindly leaving. This is exactly how we got the saying of dealing with the devil you know. Work with you therapist on this, and get yourself into a better environment, even if that means being on your own.

    Motivation quote for you. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"- T. Roosevelt.

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