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Thread: Suicide Possibilities

  1. #1
    MarchinBunny

    Default Suicide Possibilities

    So, I am certain a lot of you are already aware that I have been going through a lot and there isn't really a whole lot I can do. I often try to look for help, but there isn't really a whole lot anyone can do to help.

    Not only am I in a bad situation, but I also seem to have so many mental issues that I can't do anything about. I don't have the capability to get professional help, no matter how much I want to.

    So, I was thinking how much longer am I able to even put up with this? I already am constantly thinking about suicide. Already thinking of ways to do it. Thinking about what I would like to do before I do it. Whether or not I want to leave some sort of message. I typically talk about suicide now these days almost like I am certain I am going to do it. It's just more of a matter when.

    I think that is one of the things that really worries me is that I don't really see anything ahead in my future. I don't see how I am getting out of this situation. I really don't see how it's going to end in any other way. Why would it when it seems to me it's my only option?

    I do know there are people who care for me here and a few people in real life. It's typically the only thing that is stopping me. When I think about suicide ... I feel bad because I don't want to hurt these people. However, there have also been a few people I like who decided they don't want to be friends with me and I have had quite a few issues with social interaction. It's just not on these forums, I have been part of multiple groups in the past where things just went wrong and people disliked me.

    For the longest time, I couldn't understand what exactly I was doing wrong. I was just being honest and talking about what I thought. Heck, I still don't really understand and it hurts me constantly that I don't.

    I suppose I should be glad there are some people who know I am not intending to come off the way I do at times. I am quite thankful to these people who are so understanding and helpful.

    I am expecting this to get buried among all the other threads. It's ok. I don't think I am all that deserving of help anyway. Maybe someday, I will be gone, and I think that is ok too. Things will move forward and continue. Nothing will stop. There will just be one less person. Eventually, no one will even remember, and that is probably for the best.

    I know ... quite a bit of a depressing thread lol XD. But hey, this is what I think about these days, quite often. There is no one who is going to save me, as I am not worth saving. So, I have to save myself ... and I wish myself luck with that cause how does someone who hates themself save themself?

  2. #2

    Default

    Hello.

    I am not from Canada, but I do know that there is help hotlines listed for both Canada and the US in the article for hot lines.

    I do understand how you feel, having been there Three times, the last in the fall of 2008.

    IT may seem like there is nothing to do for the immediate problems, however the professionals can give you guidance and hope and from there you work forward getting skills and therapy to help gain a hand on the situation.

    I have been in therapy since 2001 and I am doing better. I do have bad days and situations that will send me into a depression spell. I have been having issues for the last month and I do feel like I do nothing but grounding/coping mechanisms. However at this point it is up to me to use the skills I have and check in with my therapist for reassurance. IT is a pain in the butt, but I am doing a lot better then 2008 when I wanted to drive my car into an overpass support.

    So please do call the hotline, and talk to them.

  3. #3
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    Hello.

    I am not from Canada, but I do know that there is help hotlines listed for both Canada and the US in the article for hot lines.

    I do understand how you feel, having been there Three times, the last in the fall of 2008.

    IT may seem like there is nothing to do for the immediate problems, however the professionals can give you guidance and hope and from there you work forward getting skills and therapy to help gain a hand on the situation.

    I have been in therapy since 2001 and I am doing better. I do have bad days and situations that will send me into a depression spell. I have been having issues for the last month and I do feel like I do nothing but grounding/coping mechanisms. However at this point it is up to me to use the skills I have and check in with my therapist for reassurance. IT is a pain in the butt, but I am doing a lot better then 2008 when I wanted to drive my car into an overpass support.

    So please do call the hotline, and talk to them.
    While there is a phone here, I don't really use it and am unlikely to ever use it to call a suicide hotline while anyone is around which is pretty much all the time. I have no privacy here to do that.
    But even so, I don't even know how they would help me. There isn't really anything they can do to help the situation I am in. I mean what sort of guidance can they give someone who doesn't have access to things people would typically have access to?

    The only thing they would do is postpone the inevitable. But why postpone it? It's not going to get me anywhere.

  4. #4

    Default



    I don't think I am all that deserving of help anyway.
    NOT TRUE! You absolutely deserve help!

    I'm new here so I hardly know you, but I've already seen that you're strong and you do care about folks here enough to always contribute and speak your mind!

    You can see you have issues, well lots of us have issues here too. Figuring out how to deal with them is why I'm here at least.

    Egor is quite right too... you should call one of the hotlines. I'm sure they can help you better than at least I can.

  5. #5

    Default

    In addition to the hotline, there's also online chats in Canada.

    I've never felt this way myself but am very close to this issue. I wish depression didn't hurt people like this.

  6. #6
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Sprinkles View Post
    In addition to the hotline, there's also online chats in Canada.

    I've never felt this way myself but am very close to this issue. I wish depression didn't hurt people like this.
    I have tried several chats and something I have come across as an issue is that it's location-based, and pretty specific too to where they will not service anyone outside of that area. I have not been successful in finding an online chat that is available in my area. Also, the one that I did find that was open to my location is always offline anytime I check -.-

    It's possible I am just not good at looking.

    I also was planning on walking over to the Candian Mental Health Association, but just my luck ... I have an issue with my foot and I'm not sure it's a good idea to walk on it such long distances. I may just need to try regardless.

  7. #7

    Default

    OK, so... several things need to be said here I think.

    (1) DO NOT SUICIDE!!! You will definitely be missed and your life is worth more than you think.

    (2) I know I've said this before, and it may seem a bit vague and/or trite, but life is full of surprises. Just because you don't see a way forward, doesn't mean you won't find one. Just don't give up trying.

    (3) Social interaction didn't exactly come naturally to me either. I still basically suck at it, IMO. It's a slow learning process, so, be patient with yourself.

    (4) You are most definitely deserving of help, never think otherwise. "Not worth saving"? Whaaat?? That's BS that your depression is telling you.

    (5) ...and maybe extending (1) a little... I have been suicidal before. I never had the guts to go through with it and I'm glad I didn't. I took lots of stupid risks though, like riding a metal swingset during a severe cloud-to-ground thunderstorm. I feel very lucky that it didn't end the way I was hoping it would at the time.

    (6) As others have said, call for help when things become really desperate. Reach out. Everything might seem hopeless now, but life is a very special gift that, believe me, you don't want to throw away. *hugs* Hang in there.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post
    So, I am certain a lot of you are already aware that I have been going through a lot and there isn't really a whole lot I can do. I often try to look for help, but there isn't really a whole lot anyone can do to help.

    Not only am I in a bad situation, but I also seem to have so many mental issues that I can't do anything about. I don't have the capability to get professional help, no matter how much I want to.

    So, I was thinking how much longer am I able to even put up with this? I already am constantly thinking about suicide. Already thinking of ways to do it. Thinking about what I would like to do before I do it. Whether or not I want to leave some sort of message. I typically talk about suicide now these days almost like I am certain I am going to do it. It's just more of a matter when.
    I am so sorry to hear about this dark place you are in. When these thoughts come into our minds it is almost impossible to see a way out of it. It may seem that the help on offer will not work for you but you have to muster some strength to give it a try, reach deep down and find one thing to hold onto that can give you some strength. What is happening to you right now is consuming you and it appears that there is no way out. Just taking a deep breath and realising you are in control can be the start of a new path to a healthy head. You are reaching out for help just by making this post, even if you do not see that yet.



    I think that is one of the things that really worries me is that I don't really see anything ahead in my future. I don't see how I am getting out of this situation. I really don't see how it's going to end in any other way. Why would it when it seems to me it's my only option?

    I do know there are people who care for me here and a few people in real life. It's typically the only thing that is stopping me. When I think about suicide ... I feel bad because I don't want to hurt these people. However, there have also been a few people I like who decided they don't want to be friends with me and I have had quite a few issues with social interaction. It's just not on these forums, I have been part of multiple groups in the past where things just went wrong and people disliked me.

    For the longest time, I couldn't understand what exactly I was doing wrong. I was just being honest and talking about what I thought. Heck, I still don't really understand and it hurts me constantly that I don't.
    Thinking about what will happen when you are not here is a sign, to me anyway, that you are thinking about a future that includes you in it. You have no control over other people and how they feel. If people have let you down in the past you need to learn to move on and try not to let it get you down. We all lose friends as we grow and move in different directions. This does not have to be as bad as it may seem now, I try to use the loss sensation as a tool to learn from and grow as a person. It is not your fault these people have decided not to be friends anymore, it is their loss as far as I am concerned.

    Concentrate on the close people who do care and are still around. You can use them to find good things to fill your dark thoughts. Replacing the bad thoughts with positive thoughts will give your thoughtprocess a new direction. I know this is so much easier to say than do, but please try. Think about a fun time with friends and remember why you mean so much to them.



    I suppose I should be glad there are some people who know I am not intending to come off the way I do at times. I am quite thankful to these people who are so understanding and helpful.

    I am expecting this to get buried among all the other threads. It's ok. I don't think I am all that deserving of help anyway. Maybe someday, I will be gone, and I think that is ok too. Things will move forward and continue. Nothing will stop. There will just be one less person. Eventually, no one will even remember, and that is probably for the best.
    One thing that makes us human is how imperfect we are and it is these imperfections that make others love us. The people that do care about you will understand that right now you are feeling down and not in a good space mentally. Reach out, ask them to listen, sharing our darkest thoughts and fears allows a torchbearer into our minds to light the way to recovery. It is not for the best if you were not here anymore, it is the complete opposite and you need to reach out.



    I know ... quite a bit of a depressing thread lol XD. But hey, this is what I think about these days, quite often. There is no one who is going to save me, as I am not worth saving. So, I have to save myself ... and I wish myself luck with that cause how does someone who hates themself save themself?
    Reading this thread has put me back to a dark place I was in recently and I remember how I saved myself. I set some small goals, I broke down everything into small chunks. I put the big stuff at the end and some of the smaller things at the front. Breaking everything down made me realise that some of the small stuff was actually quite easy to sort out. I set goals to overcome the small things and slowly built towards the big ones as the little things disappeared. Try not become overwhelmed with everything all at once. Pick one thing that you will tackle everyday, basque in the little victories and feel the light enter your mind.

    Just please talk to someone and start a journey to recovery.

  9. #9
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AdorableRabbit View Post
    NOT TRUE! You absolutely deserve help!

    I'm new here so I hardly know you, but I've already seen that you're strong and you do care about folks here enough to always contribute and speak your mind!

    You can see you have issues, well lots of us have issues here too. Figuring out how to deal with them is why I'm here at least.

    Egor is quite right too... you should call one of the hotlines. I'm sure they can help you better than at least I can.
    Thank you for the response. Hopefully, you continue to view me as someone who cares. I try my best, but sometimes the things I say seem to come off as hurtful to some people.



    Quote Originally Posted by Sapphyre View Post
    OK, so... several things need to be said here I think.

    (1) DO NOT SUICIDE!!! You will definitely be missed and your life is worth more than you think.

    (2) I know I've said this before, and it may seem a bit vague and/or trite, but life is full of surprises. Just because you don't see a way forward, doesn't mean you won't find one. Just don't give up trying.

    (3) Social interaction didn't exactly come naturally to me either. I still basically suck at it, IMO. It's a slow learning process, so, be patient with yourself.

    (4) You are most definitely deserving of help, never think otherwise. "Not worth saving"? Whaaat?? That's BS that your depression is telling you.

    (5) ...and maybe extending (1) a little... I have been suicidal before. I never had the guts to go through with it and I'm glad I didn't. I took lots of stupid risks though, like riding a metal swingset during a severe cloud-to-ground thunderstorm. I feel very lucky that it didn't end the way I was hoping it would at the time.

    (6) As others have said, call for help when things become really desperate. Reach out. Everything might seem hopeless now, but life is a very special gift that, believe me, you don't want to throw away. *hugs* Hang in there.
    I will try my best. I just don't know what I should be doing.



    Quote Originally Posted by MotherFaith View Post
    I am so sorry to hear about this dark place you are in. When these thoughts come into our minds it is almost impossible to see a way out of it. It may seem that the help on offer will not work for you but you have to muster some strength to give it a try, reach deep down and find one thing to hold onto that can give you some strength. What is happening to you right now is consuming you and it appears that there is no way out. Just taking a deep breath and realising you are in control can be the start of a new path to a healthy head. You are reaching out for help just by making this post, even if you do not see that yet.
    Well certainly talking about it helps. But it only helps me feel better temporarily. I mean the moment I think about how I'm stuck and there is currently no way out, it makes it pretty hard to and I become depressed and feel like there is nothing for me or any point to continue.



    Thinking about what will happen when you are not here is a sign, to me anyway, that you are thinking about a future that includes you in it. You have no control over other people and how they feel. If people have let you down in the past you need to learn to move on and try not to let it get you down. We all lose friends as we grow and move in different directions. This does not have to be as bad as it may seem now, I try to use the loss sensation as a tool to learn from and grow as a person. It is not your fault these people have decided not to be friends anymore, it is their loss as far as I am concerned.

    Concentrate on the close people who do care and are still around. You can use them to find good things to fill your dark thoughts. Replacing the bad thoughts with positive thoughts will give your thoughtprocess a new direction. I know this is so much easier to say than do, but please try. Think about a fun time with friends and remember why you mean so much to them.

    One thing that makes us human is how imperfect we are and it is these imperfections that make others love us. The people that do care about you will understand that right now you are feeling down and not in a good space mentally. Reach out, ask them to listen, sharing our darkest thoughts and fears allows a torchbearer into our minds to light the way to recovery. It is not for the best if you were not here anymore, it is the complete opposite and you need to reach out.
    It tends to be hard for me to let go of lost friends or people who dislike me.



    Reading this thread has put me back to a dark place I was in recently and I remember how I saved myself. I set some small goals, I broke down everything into small chunks. I put the big stuff at the end and some of the smaller things at the front. Breaking everything down made me realise that some of the small stuff was actually quite easy to sort out. I set goals to overcome the small things and slowly built towards the big ones as the little things disappeared. Try not become overwhelmed with everything all at once. Pick one thing that you will tackle everyday, basque in the little victories and feel the light enter your mind.

    Just please talk to someone and start a journey to recovery.
    It's hard to come up with goals. I mean there is only so much I can do being stuck in Canada while not being a resident or citizen.

  10. #10

    Default

    I remember responding to a suicide thread on this site years ago. It was from a young man who was stuck and couldn't move forward. He was staying with another family. He was welcome to stay with them as long as he watched their young children. He was a live in babysitter, and he hated it. He was accomplishing nothing and going nowhere. He didn't have a car so he couldn't just leave. He couldn't even get far away from the house.

    I told him he had to leave. If he had a friend, a parent, anyone who could take him in, someplace where he could get a job and get there by bus. He did just that and got a job at Sears. He eventually bought a car, took some college classes and was promoted to manager. Later he met a girl and got married.

    I know all of this because every year, on the same date, he would PM me and give me an update on his life. The date was significant because it was the night he was going to take his life, the same night he read my PM. He told me that.

    You are stuck, and we've talked about this in the past. As crazy as your mother is, (and I"m just throwing this out) could you go back and live with her for a short time until you got your life together? Once you are back in the U. S., you can get welfare, medicare, help and professional treatment. After that you could look for a job because you are a legal citizen in the U. S. With a job you can get a place of your own, a car and most importantly, a life.

    I've lost two people in my life to suicide. One of them still bothers me because he was young. You may not believe that life is precious, but I am convinced it is, and that we have life for a reason. There's more to us than meets the eye even though that can be very hard to see at the moment.

    My best friend from college, who is also a Fellow to the Kennedy Center, is writing a book, and he asked if he could use my real name. As you probably know, we were lovers in college. I said he could use my name, so that may out me as gay to the entire world and I'm okay with that. It's time that I am honest with myself and with the world. When he was serving our stupid military in Alaska as a conscientious objector, he and I wrote letter every week for two years, letters I kept. I kept everything I wrote from college and several years after including a journal. As I was reading through these old letters, I discovered a journal I kept, something I had forgotten. In that journal was something I wrote about a boy I had fallen in love with. It was a love that could never be. One night he was fucking a girl I had dated in high school and I wrote how I wished acid would fall from the skies burning up everything, but starting with me. The next day I tried to kill myself by swimming out as far as I could in the Toms River. I grew up on the water and was a good swimmer and I couldn't do it, so I swam back in.

    I was telling that story to a close friend this week, along with something else I found in that old pile of letter, a letter from a young townie friend from when I was in college. We were very close, so close that he had written a letter to me years later telling me about his life and how he was going to come out to where I was then living, just to see me. My friend pointed out to me how I had made such a positive impression on him, and that wouldn't have happened had I killed myself.

    Life is always going to be a shit storm. We all hope that the shit only falls a few times in our lives, but we all know that it falls more often than that. We all find our own ways to weather these storms. Sometimes we're successful. Sometimes they don't seem so bad, but sometimes they can be overwhelming. That's when we need some sort of support. It may come from a spouse, a good friend or a professional we've paid.

    Who knows what's planned for you life, but something is, something that needs you to keep going on. I suppose the most noble thing we do as humans is to help others, to be there for others, to care for and care about others. There is your purpose in life, as it is for all of us. Hang in there my friend and please don't give up. There is much more life in you yet to be lived.

    I would suggest that instead of arguing each point, that you think about how people do care about you. That's the important part in all of this. We want you around. Tomorrow is a new day to think about how you can free yourself to something productive for the next 50 years here on planet earth. Hugs.

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