Boyfriend recently came out as DL. Could use some help please

My boyfriend of the last 8 years has recently told me more seriously that he is a diaper lover. We're both in our mid-late twenties but our sex life has been pretty rough these last couple of years and I take full responsibility. Between requiring hormone therapy and feeling the long term effects of anemia, I neglected our sex life. Most of the time it was because my sex drive had just taken a halt and I didn't realize how little we were actually doing it. A couple years back when we were going through this he started hinting at being a being a diaper lover but at the time I thought he was just implying that he wanted to try new and creative things in the bedroom and jokingly using that as an example. I told him the diaper thing was never going to happen but just recently when he expressed how it wasn't just any creative sex act that he wanted and he truly considered himself a diaper lover, I genuinely tried to become a little more open minded. I allowed him to purchase a large amount online and told him I'd give him and chance here and there. Since then, I have indulged him once and engaged in a sexual act while wearing the diaper and was really proud and impressed with myself for taking that big step while still being so skeptic about it. Since then he talks about it almost everyday and I feel myself slipping away from our sex life again. He's told me on several occasions that even after 8 years of dating he doesn't want to commit to getting married unless he's positive that he will be sexually satisfied. I realize now that what he means is until I entirely give in to his fetish, our years of love isn't enough.

I feel so hurt and frustrated. I really want to do this for him and not make such a big deal about it but I just cant get myself aroused. I'm envious of better women than me that can just drop their self esteem and let their significant other dress them in diapers and do what they please. As a woman, I don't feel sexy, I don't feel confident, and I just don't feel sexual even thinking about diapers.

Today he came up to me and told me he wore his at work today and that he had urinated in them. He said this to me with a shy smirk on his face, I think expecting me to become aroused or think it was cute. I didn't. I didn't know he enjoyed wearing them. He always told me he was just curious about what it feels like. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to force myself to find this attractive. Please, does anyone have any advice on how to move past this mental block I have? I love him so much, but I really don't love this. I don't want this to be every sexual experience for us. I don't want to think of living a life and a marriage where I have to force myself to pretend to be aroused.

He's probably hoping you're at least somewhat interested in it, but it sounds like you're not. This may change, or it may not. At least for now though he needs to understand that you're not interested, and not pressure you to show fake interest.

I think any relationship requires a little give and take. The wife sometimes wants to drag the husband off to the mall for some shipping when he'd rather be out with the boys playing cards, or maybe you're getting dragged out to the baseball game you have no interest in. In those cases the other always has the option to say "no". But the occasional participation without serious interest is (and should be) appreciated. Just how little or how much you're willing to humor him is up to you, but he needs to be fully willing to accept that you may never be willing, perhaps not on any level. On the other side of that coin though I think you should occasionally give it a little chance as you hope he gives your interests a chance too. Maybe you start liking it a little, maybe not. But he'll appreciate your at least giving it an occasional taste if you're willing.

I am sorry to hear the heart ache you are feeling. Maxx has pretty much said many of the things I would have said. I can only really add that using his fetish as deal breaker over marraige is a nasty thing to do. Maybe, if you spend time around here, you can see how many lonely people are here. Its not their fault they just have a very unique quirk that is hard for many other folk to get over. If he tries that stunt about marraige show him the possibility that he may never find someone to indulge this.

There are others here that have made compromises with their spouse's as Maxx was explaining. Diaper lovers do not always need sex, sometimes just having a little acceptance is enough. After the initial sexual excitement he seems to be craving he may compromise on just you allowinh him around the house in them. Lastly you not finding it sexy or having massive reservations about it does not make you a worse woman than those that accept it. They are not better than you, their relationships are just different.

Hi! I wonder if your boyfriend is in the buy and purge cycle as you indicated you let him buy a whole bunch of nappies. So I wonder if as soon as the initial excitement wears off he may temporarily put this fascination on hold for a bit.

Also, it seems like he uses them for their intended purpose? If you give a mouse a cookie he is gonna want some milk too. Will he eventually want you to change him? Then maybe even evolve into age play? And then wear 24/7? Then spend oodles of cash on more diapers and accessories?

He seems to be pushing you rather excessively although that's up to you to ascertain. I think if you aren't down for this you should tell him or at least set some limits.

Compromise is super important.

It's not fair for one partner in a marriage to dictate what 'every sexual experience' should be like. That's not partnership.

You've respected that he needs diapers as part of sexual play sometimes. He needs to respect that you need some sex that has no diapers (maybe no ageplay at all either), and some space and time in your life that's also free from diapers and all this stuff.

If he can't meet you halfway there then you have a real problem. The diapers and the idea of being diapered, wetting, diapering you, are becoming the thing he's chasing and loving, not you or the relationship between you two. That's not healthy.

However, giving him the benefit of the doubt you might also consider that being accepted at all for his interests may be creating a massive spike in his interest. It can be quite intoxicating to have a weird fetish and keep it secret for so long, then finally have it be shared and accepted by someone you love. He may be binging, or simply feeling like he can fully explore it and not realize fully that he's putting this side of him between you two. To be honest I'm going through a similar thing with my wife right now where I'm finally more open about the extent of my diaper play interests (we're fairly active roleplayers but I've secretly wanted some toys), and I'm trying desperately not to make it a thing that comes between us, but just a greater honesty and sharing. It's not easy and I'm sure I've come on too strong at times.

I can totally understand also why you might have no interest in being diapered yourself. My wife feels the same way, she says diapers make her feel like she's wearing a giant maxipad which is a gross and unappealing association for her. Potty stuff in general is a huge turn off (no teasing if she passes gas!) and I've come to understand it not just a taboo about dirty things, but it's because it hurts her self esteem. She wants to feel attractive and special, and all that stuff makes he feel dirty and yucky and undermines how she feels about herself.

I think you're incredibly strong for sacrificing your feelings to have sex while diapered. It was a very generous gift, and relationships are a constant giving of gifts to one another. However like all gifts it's not something you owe anybody. It's something you choose. And no gift giving should actually hurt you or make you feel bad, that's not a genuine gift, that's extortion.

My wife will never wear diapers no matter how much the idea arouses me. I've come to understand and accept it. That doesn't mean that sometimes she's not a pouty little brat who needs a (light) spanking, or some caring cuddles... that satisfies enough of my needs to be a caregiver that it works for us.

I've also learned to understand that her sexual needs are more athletic than I would naturally gravitate too (she's hyper flexible), so I took up weightlifting to be sure I was giving to her at least as much as she was giving to me when I wanted to babied and cuddled.

The give and take is the key. You don't have to love wearing diapers, and you can decide how much you want to do it.

I know this stuff is super awkward, but there's no substitute for talking about it. Maybe he's being too selfish, and just needs to reflect. Maybe he's being too selfish and actually needs help. Maybe you both just need to communicate about both your needs and try some different compromises. Best of luck, and tell us how it goes, you've got a bunch of folks here rooting for both of you!

I've got to say Maxx was pretty spot on, and I agree with much of it. I do have to say it sounds like your boyfriend is the problem in this case. I mean really, 8 years before he even brings something this big up to you. That isn't right. Then on top of that he starts demanding you participate in his diaper play. And then he goes even farther to say you need to accept diapers fully or he won't marry you....

You've been more than accommodating to him already, and are not obligated to go any further than you're comfortable with. He also needs to learn that you're not there solely to please him- sexually or otherwise. Make sure he understands this, and if he can't accept it then he is the one who should start feeling bad about your situation. Not you.

hikari001 said:

My boyfriend of the last 8 years has recently told me more seriously that he is a diaper lover. We're both in our mid-late twenties but our sex life has been pretty rough these last couple of years and I take full responsibility. Between requiring hormone therapy and feeling the long term effects of anemia, I neglected our sex life. Most of the time it was because my sex drive had just taken a halt and I didn't realize how little we were actually doing it. A couple years back when we were going through this he started hinting at being a being a diaper lover but at the time I thought he was just implying that he wanted to try new and creative things in the bedroom and jokingly using that as an example. I told him the diaper thing was never going to happen but just recently when he expressed how it wasn't just any creative sex act that he wanted and he truly considered himself a diaper lover, I genuinely tried to become a little more open minded. I allowed him to purchase a large amount online and told him I'd give him and chance here and there. Since then, I have indulged him once and engaged in a sexual act while wearing the diaper and was really proud and impressed with myself for taking that big step while still being so skeptic about it. Since then he talks about it almost everyday and I feel myself slipping away from our sex life again. He's told me on several occasions that even after 8 years of dating he doesn't want to commit to getting married unless he's positive that he will be sexually satisfied. I realize now that what he means is until I entirely give in to his fetish, our years of love isn't enough.

I feel so hurt and frustrated. I really want to do this for him and not make such a big deal about it but I just cant get myself aroused. I'm envious of better women than me that can just drop their self esteem and let their significant other dress them in diapers and do what they please. As a woman, I don't feel sexy, I don't feel confident, and I just don't feel sexual even thinking about diapers.

Today he came up to me and told me he wore his at work today and that he had urinated in them. He said this to me with a shy smirk on his face, I think expecting me to become aroused or think it was cute. I didn't. I didn't know he enjoyed wearing them. He always told me he was just curious about what it feels like. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to force myself to find this attractive. Please, does anyone have any advice on how to move past this mental block I have? I love him so much, but I really don't love this. I don't want this to be every sexual experience for us. I don't want to think of living a life and a marriage where I have to force myself to pretend to be aroused.

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"allowed" him to?

Firstly no one is in charge of anyone in a healthy relationship. There's no such thing as permission.


Secondly, if you aren't comfortable participating in a fetish then you have that right. Tell him to keep his fetish to himself. Then, he and you can figure out if those are acceptable terms. You CAN'T force yourself to become attracted to something that you're not.

I hate to be this blunt, but I don't think your relationship has much of a future. If he can't commit to marriage without knowing he'll be sexually satisfied, and if his sexual satisfaction relies on YOU participating in his fetish, then clearly there's no real way forward. I guess I'd try to figure out if he can be happy keeping his diaper wearing to himself and leaving you out of it, and if you can accept that he'll be buying and keeping diapers at home. There are ways to compromise if both parties are willing.

It's mostly been said... this guy is a selfish pig. He's blackmailing you and it's totally not cool.
If he loved you truly he'd not be pressuring you like this. You've been awesome all things considered. He needs to get his shit together and I don't mean in a diaper. You deserve better.

Awww maxx that was sweet. And helpful. I hope. Maxx is one of the wiser people on here. I just like his attitude and way of going about things. He doesn't let his DL interfere with his life, which a lot of people do. And that's silly. At least in my view.

I told my wife in the first month of our relationship. She was accepting from the start but I was not 24/7 by a long shot. In fact, I had not used for years up to that point. There was a time when I did use a little and pressured her to wear and she even used once. This was a long time ago early in our marriage. I learned really quick that that was not fun for her. She doesn't even remember it really. So she is accepting of my thing today as long as it doesn't hinder things. I will also state that her self esteem was fairly low when we got married. We spent a lot of our 1st year of marriage getting through our demons that we carried from our respective families. Sex is part of a loving relationship and we have had a very healthy relationship. Empathy is a very important part of this as partners need to understand what turns on each other.

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with him. You have stated that you are accepting of his DL side which should be already incredible to him but you need to express your limits. If you set limits it helps a lot. This can be a delicate discussion so you need to reassure him of your feelings for him too. Maybe you could share with him what turns you on too. Give and take. Share.

I have learned new aspects of our intimate relationship recently even after 26 years of marriage. Aspects that we continue to explore. But first you need to develop trust and be open and honest with your feelings. He must be dealing with stresses in his life that need release. My wife has helped me a lot with those stresses through intimate talk about deep feelings.

I wish you good luck. I can say this forum has provided a lot of support for many people. I am new here but already feel much better after connecting to others like me.

AdorableRabbit said:

If he can't meet you halfway there then you have a real problem. The diapers and the idea of being diapered, wetting, diapering you, are becoming the thing he's chasing and loving, not you or the relationship between you two. That's not healthy.

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I so agree with this. He has a bit of growing up to do, which might be an odd thing to say when dealing with infantilism. He is confusing his little self with his adult self, and his adult self needs some work. It is vital to deep these distinctions. I also agree he may be intoxicated at the moment and some time will help sort this out.

AdorableRabbit said:

I think you're incredibly strong for sacrificing your feelings to have sex while diapered. It was a very generous gift, and relationships are a constant giving of gifts to one another.

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Very will put. Could not agree more.

AdorableRabbit said:

I know this stuff is super awkward, but there's no substitute for talking about it. Maybe he's being too selfish, and just needs to reflect. Maybe he's being too selfish and actually needs help. Maybe you both just need to communicate about both your needs and try some different compromises. Best of luck, and tell us how it goes, you've got a bunch of folks here rooting for both of you!

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AdorableRabbit you are really spot on with your observations IMHO. And it is in our awkwardness that we are most honest and real.
I am rooting for both of you too.

hikari001 said:

My boyfriend of the last 8 years has recently told me more seriously that he is a diaper lover. We're both in our mid-late twenties but our sex life has been pretty rough these last couple of years and I take full responsibility. Between requiring hormone therapy and feeling the long term effects of anemia, I neglected our sex life. Most of the time it was because my sex drive had just taken a halt and I didn't realize how little we were actually doing it. A couple years back when we were going through this he started hinting at being a being a diaper lover but at the time I thought he was just implying that he wanted to try new and creative things in the bedroom and jokingly using that as an example. I told him the diaper thing was never going to happen but just recently when he expressed how it wasn't just any creative sex act that he wanted and he truly considered himself a diaper lover, I genuinely tried to become a little more open minded. I allowed him to purchase a large amount online and told him I'd give him and chance here and there. Since then, I have indulged him once and engaged in a sexual act while wearing the diaper and was really proud and impressed with myself for taking that big step while still being so skeptic about it. Since then he talks about it almost everyday and I feel myself slipping away from our sex life again. He's told me on several occasions that even after 8 years of dating he doesn't want to commit to getting married unless he's positive that he will be sexually satisfied. I realize now that what he means is until I entirely give in to his fetish, our years of love isn't enough.

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This right there is wrong on his part, he should not be trying to force this interest on you, you’re going above and beyond accepting him for what he is into.

I feel so hurt and frustrated. I really want to do this for him and not make such a big deal about it but I just cant get myself aroused. I'm envious of better women than me that can just drop their self esteem and let their significant other dress them in diapers and do what they please. As a woman, I don't feel sexy, I don't feel confident, and I just don't feel sexual even thinking about diapers.

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You have nothing to be ashamed about, not everyone is into diapers and there is nothing wrong with that.

Today he came up to me and told me he wore his at work today and that he had urinated in them. He said this to me with a shy smirk on his face, I think expecting me to become aroused or think it was cute. I didn't. I didn't know he enjoyed wearing them. He always told me he was just curious about what it feels like. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to force myself to find this attractive. Please, does anyone have any advice on how to move past this mental block I have? I love him so much, but I really don't love this. I don't want this to be every sexual experience for us. I don't want to think of living a life and a marriage where I have to force myself to pretend to be aroused.

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I’d honestly say at this point if his behavior is like this you need to decide if you can be with him and make it clear to him this isn’t a side of his sex life you can share with him.

Maxx pretty much hit this on the head, as he always does so well, but reiteration from a different perspective never hurts right?

The fact that you sought this site out and are here asking for advice, willing to do anything to find a way to make things work means he is lucky to have someone so open minded. That is something that sadly the majority of us will never enjoy in a significant other.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, nor how you feel about this, just as there is nothing wrong with either of your desires. What IS wrong is a lack of mutual acceptance. You have accepted him and ventured as far out of your comfort zone as anyone could ever ask for, and you have discovered your boundaries. Those boundaries are OK. You feel how you feel, and you cannot magically change your feelings, just as he cannot change his. He HAS to understand that. We all know that dissatisfying relationships go nowhere, or even go to horrible places before ending up nowhere. You both need to find ways be satisfied, but if either of you are not comfortable with one, no matter what it may be, the other has to accept that. Full stop.

You need to tell him flat out what you are not ok with. And with that all that should be expected from your end is this: things can change. Sex drives and desires can change, so continued discussion of it should be welcome and accepted by you (within reason). There is a universal law among people that have kinks and fetishes, and that is not to force an unknowing or unwilling person into it. Doing so begins to cross the line of what is consensual.

You seem as open minded, loving, and caring of a partner as one could ask for, and I hope the two of you can comfortably fulfill each other.

ozbub said:

It's mostly been said... this guy is a selfish pig. He's blackmailing you and it's totally not cool.
If he loved you truly he'd not be pressuring you like this. You've been awesome all things considered. He needs to get his shit together and I don't mean in a diaper. You deserve better.

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You always crack me up with your serious comments!!!

What a heart breaking story. :'( A girl who loves him SO so much that she let him act out his deepest fantasy. What a girl. What an angel. Honesty is key to every relationship. So just be honest. I wish there were some way to solve this for you. You both sound like nice people My heart & love goes out to you both, & I hope you manage to support each other in an honest relationship. x x