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Thread: Boyfriend recently came out as DL. Could use some help please

  1. #1

    Default Boyfriend recently came out as DL. Could use some help please

    My boyfriend of the last 8 years has recently told me more seriously that he is a diaper lover. We're both in our mid-late twenties but our sex life has been pretty rough these last couple of years and I take full responsibility. Between requiring hormone therapy and feeling the long term effects of anemia, I neglected our sex life. Most of the time it was because my sex drive had just taken a halt and I didn't realize how little we were actually doing it. A couple years back when we were going through this he started hinting at being a being a diaper lover but at the time I thought he was just implying that he wanted to try new and creative things in the bedroom and jokingly using that as an example. I told him the diaper thing was never going to happen but just recently when he expressed how it wasn't just any creative sex act that he wanted and he truly considered himself a diaper lover, I genuinely tried to become a little more open minded. I allowed him to purchase a large amount online and told him I'd give him and chance here and there. Since then, I have indulged him once and engaged in a sexual act while wearing the diaper and was really proud and impressed with myself for taking that big step while still being so skeptic about it. Since then he talks about it almost everyday and I feel myself slipping away from our sex life again. He's told me on several occasions that even after 8 years of dating he doesn't want to commit to getting married unless he's positive that he will be sexually satisfied. I realize now that what he means is until I entirely give in to his fetish, our years of love isn't enough.

    I feel so hurt and frustrated. I really want to do this for him and not make such a big deal about it but I just cant get myself aroused. I'm envious of better women than me that can just drop their self esteem and let their significant other dress them in diapers and do what they please. As a woman, I don't feel sexy, I don't feel confident, and I just don't feel sexual even thinking about diapers.

    Today he came up to me and told me he wore his at work today and that he had urinated in them. He said this to me with a shy smirk on his face, I think expecting me to become aroused or think it was cute. I didn't. I didn't know he enjoyed wearing them. He always told me he was just curious about what it feels like. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to force myself to find this attractive. Please, does anyone have any advice on how to move past this mental block I have? I love him so much, but I really don't love this. I don't want this to be every sexual experience for us. I don't want to think of living a life and a marriage where I have to force myself to pretend to be aroused.
    Last edited by hikari001; 25-Jan-2017 at 14:03.

  2. #2

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    I'll be blunt. Your partner is bordering on the irrational. And this is about a whole bunch more than diapers.

    In you, he's found someone who is willing to tolerate and even play along with a very wierd thing. That's terrific. Its something most diaper lovers only dream about. Kudos to you. Its not reasonable to expect you to have fantasies and desires exactly the same as his, or that are a direct complement to his. If he thinks he's going to find someone like that, he's bound to be disappointed. While he may, by some miracle, find another diaper lover, there are a lot of other things involved in living together than diapers. People change over time, learn new things, develop new interests. If either of you think the diaper play he enjoys today is enough to fill a life for 20, 30, 40 years in the future, there's a big awakening coming.

    Over and above the diapers, you both need to work out expectations about sex, and decide whether or not the differences are dealbreakers. On average, men want sex more than women (call me a sexist.... I'm used to it). Lots of women fake it from time to time just so a guy will finish and get off. Someone here once expressed that they sometimes felt like a trampoline. Is it reasonable for him to constantly use you as a prop for his fantasies? No. Is it reasonable for you to expect him to live like a monk and save his seed for years at a time while you get your head together? No. You each have to decide if there's a happy medium somewhere you can both live with. The thing is, that's a decision you'll both have to revisit many times in the future. Bodies change, health changes, jobs change, maybe kids, both of you will be exposed to new things and develop new interests that you don't have now. All of that impacts your physical love life.

    Do you really need to be aroused all the time, or are there things you can enjoy about the closeness without minding that he's... well, we do have a PG-13 rule.

    It's great that you're playing along instead of saying "Eeewww... diapers" and tossing him out on his ear. He needs to play to your fantasies as well, even if those fantasies are more along the lines of cuddling on the couch under a blanket with a bowl of popcorn and a sappy movie. Maybe he wouldn't mind if he could wear a diaper while doing it.

    Maybe, if you enjoy role-playing and acting, you can find a way to enjoy it while ignoring the props and costumes.... stepping asied from yourself, just playing a role and relishing how well you're doing it. Just a thought. I do something similar during races...ignore the fact that my legs and lungs are screaming for mercy and treat it just like watching the guages on the dash of a race car.... heart rate this, cadence that.

    It ain't just a matter of Snow White waking up, then living happily ever after in the castle.

    Full disclosure: I've been married to Mrs. Maxx 36 years. She doesn't know about the diapers. I'm strictly a diaper lover, so I've never had any need or desire to involve her in diaper play. I know her well enough to know it's not something she'd play along with. Perhaps not a dealbreaker, but close. At the moment, our schedules are different enought that I get to indulge maybe once a week or so. Over the years, with kids, grandkids, caring for aging mother-in-law, I've had periods of a couple years at a stretch when I couldn't indulge at all for lack of privacy. When we're both retired.... I may have to fess up. Or, its entirely possible one or both of us will need diapers. I'll jump from that bridge when I come to it.

    Sex? Amazingly at my age, I could still go a couple times a day if I had the opportunity. Mrs. Maxx is a grandmother and well past menopause. Quite attractive still, but desire isn't there and it takes a lot of work to get her going. I take it when I can get it. Needless to say, it was different when we were your age, and that's the point. Things change. If he thinks marriage is all about sex, he's sadly mistaken. If you think it isn't, you're wrong as well.
    Last edited by Maxx; 25-Jan-2017 at 14:28.

  3. #3

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    He's probably hoping you're at least somewhat interested in it, but it sounds like you're not. This may change, or it may not. At least for now though he needs to understand that you're not interested, and not pressure you to show fake interest.

    I think any relationship requires a little give and take. The wife sometimes wants to drag the husband off to the mall for some shipping when he'd rather be out with the boys playing cards, or maybe you're getting dragged out to the baseball game you have no interest in. In those cases the other always has the option to say "no". But the occasional participation without serious interest is (and should be) appreciated. Just how little or how much you're willing to humor him is up to you, but he needs to be fully willing to accept that you may never be willing, perhaps not on any level. On the other side of that coin though I think you should occasionally give it a little chance as you hope he gives your interests a chance too. Maybe you start liking it a little, maybe not. But he'll appreciate your at least giving it an occasional taste if you're willing.

  4. #4

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    I am sorry to hear the heart ache you are feeling. Maxx has pretty much said many of the things I would have said. I can only really add that using his fetish as deal breaker over marraige is a nasty thing to do. Maybe, if you spend time around here, you can see how many lonely people are here. Its not their fault they just have a very unique quirk that is hard for many other folk to get over. If he tries that stunt about marraige show him the possibility that he may never find someone to indulge this.

    There are others here that have made compromises with their spouse's as Maxx was explaining. Diaper lovers do not always need sex, sometimes just having a little acceptance is enough. After the initial sexual excitement he seems to be craving he may compromise on just you allowinh him around the house in them. Lastly you not finding it sexy or having massive reservations about it does not make you a worse woman than those that accept it. They are not better than you, their relationships are just different.

  5. #5

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    Hi! I wonder if your boyfriend is in the buy and purge cycle as you indicated you let him buy a whole bunch of nappies. So I wonder if as soon as the initial excitement wears off he may temporarily put this fascination on hold for a bit.

    Also, it seems like he uses them for their intended purpose? If you give a mouse a cookie he is gonna want some milk too. Will he eventually want you to change him? Then maybe even evolve into age play? And then wear 24/7? Then spend oodles of cash on more diapers and accessories?

    He seems to be pushing you rather excessively although that's up to you to ascertain. I think if you aren't down for this you should tell him or at least set some limits.

    Compromise is super important.

  6. #6

    Default

    It's not fair for one partner in a marriage to dictate what 'every sexual experience' should be like. That's not partnership.

    You've respected that he needs diapers as part of sexual play sometimes. He needs to respect that you need some sex that has no diapers (maybe no ageplay at all either), and some space and time in your life that's also free from diapers and all this stuff.

    If he can't meet you halfway there then you have a real problem. The diapers and the idea of being diapered, wetting, diapering you, are becoming the thing he's chasing and loving, not you or the relationship between you two. That's not healthy.

    However, giving him the benefit of the doubt you might also consider that being accepted at all for his interests may be creating a massive spike in his interest. It can be quite intoxicating to have a weird fetish and keep it secret for so long, then finally have it be shared and accepted by someone you love. He may be binging, or simply feeling like he can fully explore it and not realize fully that he's putting this side of him between you two. To be honest I'm going through a similar thing with my wife right now where I'm finally more open about the extent of my diaper play interests (we're fairly active roleplayers but I've secretly wanted some toys), and I'm trying desperately not to make it a thing that comes between us, but just a greater honesty and sharing. It's not easy and I'm sure I've come on too strong at times.

    I can totally understand also why you might have no interest in being diapered yourself. My wife feels the same way, she says diapers make her feel like she's wearing a giant maxipad which is a gross and unappealing association for her. Potty stuff in general is a huge turn off (no teasing if she passes gas!) and I've come to understand it not just a taboo about dirty things, but it's because it hurts her self esteem. She wants to feel attractive and special, and all that stuff makes he feel dirty and yucky and undermines how she feels about herself.

    I think you're incredibly strong for sacrificing your feelings to have sex while diapered. It was a very generous gift, and relationships are a constant giving of gifts to one another. However like all gifts it's not something you owe anybody. It's something you choose. And no gift giving should actually hurt you or make you feel bad, that's not a genuine gift, that's extortion.

    My wife will never wear diapers no matter how much the idea arouses me. I've come to understand and accept it. That doesn't mean that sometimes she's not a pouty little brat who needs a (light) spanking, or some caring cuddles... that satisfies enough of my needs to be a caregiver that it works for us.

    I've also learned to understand that her sexual needs are more athletic than I would naturally gravitate too (she's hyper flexible), so I took up weightlifting to be sure I was giving to her at least as much as she was giving to me when I wanted to babied and cuddled.

    The give and take is the key. You don't have to love wearing diapers, and you can decide how much you want to do it.

    I know this stuff is super awkward, but there's no substitute for talking about it. Maybe he's being too selfish, and just needs to reflect. Maybe he's being too selfish and actually needs help. Maybe you both just need to communicate about both your needs and try some different compromises. Best of luck, and tell us how it goes, you've got a bunch of folks here rooting for both of you!

  7. #7

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    I've got to say Maxx was pretty spot on, and I agree with much of it. I do have to say it sounds like your boyfriend is the problem in this case. I mean really, 8 years before he even brings something this big up to you. That isn't right. Then on top of that he starts demanding you participate in his diaper play. And then he goes even farther to say you need to accept diapers fully or he won't marry you....

    You've been more than accommodating to him already, and are not obligated to go any further than you're comfortable with. He also needs to learn that you're not there solely to please him- sexually or otherwise. Make sure he understands this, and if he can't accept it then he is the one who should start feeling bad about your situation. Not you.

  8. #8
    mikejames

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by hikari001 View Post
    My boyfriend of the last 8 years has recently told me more seriously that he is a diaper lover. We're both in our mid-late twenties but our sex life has been pretty rough these last couple of years and I take full responsibility. Between requiring hormone therapy and feeling the long term effects of anemia, I neglected our sex life. Most of the time it was because my sex drive had just taken a halt and I didn't realize how little we were actually doing it. A couple years back when we were going through this he started hinting at being a being a diaper lover but at the time I thought he was just implying that he wanted to try new and creative things in the bedroom and jokingly using that as an example. I told him the diaper thing was never going to happen but just recently when he expressed how it wasn't just any creative sex act that he wanted and he truly considered himself a diaper lover, I genuinely tried to become a little more open minded. I allowed him to purchase a large amount online and told him I'd give him and chance here and there. Since then, I have indulged him once and engaged in a sexual act while wearing the diaper and was really proud and impressed with myself for taking that big step while still being so skeptic about it. Since then he talks about it almost everyday and I feel myself slipping away from our sex life again. He's told me on several occasions that even after 8 years of dating he doesn't want to commit to getting married unless he's positive that he will be sexually satisfied. I realize now that what he means is until I entirely give in to his fetish, our years of love isn't enough.

    I feel so hurt and frustrated. I really want to do this for him and not make such a big deal about it but I just cant get myself aroused. I'm envious of better women than me that can just drop their self esteem and let their significant other dress them in diapers and do what they please. As a woman, I don't feel sexy, I don't feel confident, and I just don't feel sexual even thinking about diapers.

    Today he came up to me and told me he wore his at work today and that he had urinated in them. He said this to me with a shy smirk on his face, I think expecting me to become aroused or think it was cute. I didn't. I didn't know he enjoyed wearing them. He always told me he was just curious about what it feels like. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to force myself to find this attractive. Please, does anyone have any advice on how to move past this mental block I have? I love him so much, but I really don't love this. I don't want this to be every sexual experience for us. I don't want to think of living a life and a marriage where I have to force myself to pretend to be aroused.
    "allowed" him to?

    Firstly no one is in charge of anyone in a healthy relationship. There's no such thing as permission.


    Secondly, if you aren't comfortable participating in a fetish then you have that right. Tell him to keep his fetish to himself. Then, he and you can figure out if those are acceptable terms. You CAN'T force yourself to become attracted to something that you're not.

    I hate to be this blunt, but I don't think your relationship has much of a future. If he can't commit to marriage without knowing he'll be sexually satisfied, and if his sexual satisfaction relies on YOU participating in his fetish, then clearly there's no real way forward. I guess I'd try to figure out if he can be happy keeping his diaper wearing to himself and leaving you out of it, and if you can accept that he'll be buying and keeping diapers at home. There are ways to compromise if both parties are willing.

  9. #9

    Default

    It's mostly been said... this guy is a selfish pig. He's blackmailing you and it's totally not cool.
    If he loved you truly he'd not be pressuring you like this. You've been awesome all things considered. He needs to get his shit together and I don't mean in a diaper. You deserve better.

  10. #10

    Default

    Awww maxx that was sweet. And helpful. I hope. Maxx is one of the wiser people on here. I just like his attitude and way of going about things. He doesn't let his DL interfere with his life, which a lot of people do. And that's silly. At least in my view.

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