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Thread: I messed up...What do I do now?

  1. #1

    Default I messed up...What do I do now?

    Not really sure where else to post this....

    Okay so at RMFC 2016 which was in August I roomed with a local fur, at first I didn't really have feelings for her and at the time she mentioned that she was interested in another guy, but he didn't want to commit as he was still not over his last relationship.

    Fast forward a few months, we have hung out a lot outside of the con and I start to develop feelings for her, this was probably early December, at this point the other guy she is interested in has still not committed to a relationship with her and I am mulling over asking her out. I decide to do something special for her and get her a really nice Christmas gift, sadly ordered it a little late and it arrived a couple days after on the 28th. This same day I take it to her work and work up the courage to ask her out.

    She says yes and agrees to go on a date with me. She also tells me to keep an open mind in case we can't be together. She has to figure out what's going on with this other guy who she is still interested in.

    Things are going well for quite awhile, I find myself falling for this girl more and more. I share my first kiss with her. (mind you I am 26 and for the longest time I have considered myself Asexual.)

    All these feelings I have I am literally experiencing for the first time in my life. Never before have I been so attracted to someone.

    Now comes the bad, I invite her over one night to my place, just to hang out and talk. She tells me she can't she is busy, but she also goes on to tell me she talked with the other guy she has been interested in and now they are dating.

    I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart. She does feel bad and wants to remain my friend. I of course agree, she means too much to me to lose just because I didn't get picked.

    couple days pass and I'm still feeling the heartbreak, I decide to go buy some alcohol, she finds out and offers to come to my place so I am not alone, I also offer to make dinner.

    When she arrives I have already started drinking. She asks if I am drinking because of her. I try to avoid the question but of course she can figure it out. It was kinda obvious, she apologizes to me again, we make dinner together and sit on the couch and start watching TV. We start to cuddle and then we start to make out.

    Things start to get touchy feely and well.....You can kinda guess what we did....

    Keep in mind that she is DATING this other guy, she has not had alcohol and by the time we did it, I was mostly sober. I should have known better, I kept asking if she was okay with it. her only response was that "if she wasn't sure she would not have gone this far with me."

    I have this horrible mixture of emotions. I both still very much love this girl, but I also sent her a message saying that I needed to respect her choice and at this point want to be her friend.

    I want so much more than that though, I've tried pouring my heart out. From what I was told by a close friend she practically had to beg this other guy for a relationship before he said yes and the way she talks she acts like she made the wrong choice saying things to me like "I shouldn't have chosen based off who I've been trying to date longer, but how I'm treated instead." and she keeps apologizing for "making a mess of things."

    I don't know what to do now. I know I need to move on, but I'm finding it to be the most difficult thing to do. I don't want to stop being friends with her. That's not an option. Can anyone give me advice on how I can move on? or should I keep trying to be with her? I've never had these feelings before so I don't know where to go from here.

  2. #2

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    It sounds like she's close but unsure whether to go all in with you. You seem to be more what she appreciates. Golly hard to give advise without knowing more about all perspectives, maybe ask her if she has feelings for you, and why she still thinks about the other guy if she had to wait so long for him to accept her.

    Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk

  3. #3
    MarchinBunny

    Default

    Well ... just cause she chose to date the other guy doesn't mean you no longer have a chance.

    In fact, with what you have said here thus far, it seems to me she likes you more. I don't think you messed up. If you really like this girl, don't give up. I mean, why should you? It's not like she is married. She may even want you to fight for her.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Neags View Post
    It sounds like she's close but unsure whether to go all in with you. You seem to be more what she appreciates. Golly hard to give advise without knowing more about all perspectives, maybe ask her if she has feelings for you, and why she still thinks about the other guy if she had to wait so long for him to accept her.

    Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk
    She has stated several times she is attracted to me. But I think she is afraid to lose this other guy, but I feel like she's questioning the choice.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post
    Well ... just cause she chose to date the other guy doesn't mean you no longer have a chance.

    In fact, with what you have said here thus far, it seems to me she likes you more. I don't think you messed up. If you really like this girl, don't give up. I mean, why should you? It's not like she is married. She may even want you to fight for her.
    I feel like she does want me to fight for her, it was hard to tell from her message to me when she responded to me telling her about remaining friends.

  5. #5

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    By fight you could mean be persistent in showing her you care more, I wouldn't go looking for a violent confrontation unless it comes to defensive confidence in how much you care more for her and can be better for her. The whole thing about her waiting for him to accept her sticks out. Like duh your right there with open arms for her.

    Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Neags View Post
    By fight you could mean be persistent in showing her you care more, I wouldn't go looking for a violent confrontation unless it comes to defensive confidence in how much you care more for her and can be better for her. The whole thing about her waiting for him to accept her sticks out. Like duh your right there with open arms for her.

    Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk
    Of course I don't want a physical confrontation.

  7. #7

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    I'm glad for you that you've had this encounter and relationship because I think it may be something you needed to do. My concern is her indecisiveness. I don't like that she's playing you against the other. My fear is that she may be the kind of person who can't commit to anyone, but time will tell. My gut feeling is to play it out and see what happens. Either it will work out or it won't. I've always that that "'tis better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all". But there is also the Simon and Garfunkle song lyric, "if I never loved I never would have cried". I've done both in my younger days, and I don't regret it one bit. Love is powerful and it can shape us and remold us into someone better than when we started out.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I'm glad for you that you've had this encounter and relationship because I think it may be something you needed to do. My concern is her indecisiveness. I don't like that she's playing you against the other. My fear is that she may be the kind of person who can't commit to anyone, but time will tell. My gut feeling is to play it out and see what happens. Either it will work out or it won't. I've always that that "'tis better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all". But there is also the Simon and Garfunkle song lyric, "if I never loved I never would have cried". I've done both in my younger days, and I don't regret it one bit. Love is powerful and it can shape us and remold us into someone better than when we started out.
    I don't think shes trying to play us against each other and honestly i don't blame her for being indecisive. Her past relationship was abusive and I think she wants to make sure she doesn't fall into something like that again.

  9. #9

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    It sounds to me like you have a real chance! Don't give up yet!

    There may be a point (maybe soon) where you need to accept it's not going to work, or that she's got issues you can't solve for her, but right now at least it sounds like she's uncertain.

    I mean if she says things like she should choose based on who treats her better, I'd follow up on that. If the guy she chose doesn't treat her good, then point it out! Show her how you're nicer. Make her realize he won't change, and that she has to decide what actually matters to her in a relationship.

    I guess if he treats her fine, you still have a chance to be as good of a person as you can, and contrast the two of you as people.

    Don't mistake kindness and supportiveness for being taken advantage of though! If she's not going make a solid choice, then you need to set a limit for yourself of time.

    Good luck! We're rooting for you!

  10. #10

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    I hope I'm wrong, but she may have you "on the hook". Have you seen the "hooked" episode of How I Met Your Mother? People don't do it on purpose, but keeping a "backup" option close while pursuing someone else feels better even though it is not fair to the person being lead on.

    Having been in your situation, it feels so good to believe the other person really will realize how amazing you are. Having been in her situation, I will drop my backup if the person I am pursuing realizes how amazing I am.

    Vicious cycle! Lol!

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