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Thread: How to stop fighting with your spouse

  1. #1

    Default How to stop fighting with your spouse

    Hi everyone, my boyfriend and I fight a lot lately and I was wondering if anyone has any advice for what to do about this. I don't want to break up with him so please don't suggest that. Thanks.

  2. #2

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    Hi there, I am sorry to hear that you and your partner are fighting a lot. It is never a good situation to be in with someone you love. Maybe it would help if you could explain a little more about the kinds of things you two are fighting about. I would not want to comment or offer any support without knowing a little background. I do not mean to pry at all, just want to see if there is anything I can help with in more detail. If you do not wish to go into further detail that is totally understandable, but happy to listen anyway.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by MotherFaith View Post
    Hi there, I am sorry to hear that you and your partner are fighting a lot. It is never a good situation to be in with someone you love. Maybe it would help if you could explain a little more about the kinds of things you two are fighting about. I would not want to comment or offer any support without knowing a little background. I do not mean to pry at all, just want to see if there is anything I can help with in more detail. If you do not wish to go into further detail that is totally understandable, but happy to listen anyway.
    It seems to almost always be about stupid little things, or misunderstandings. I take offense to something or he does, and it escalates from there. We are both extremely sensitive people, which can sometimes be great for us, and sometimes not. It's hard to say in any more detail than that because when I think back on fights they are almost always about, well, nothing.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by CryBaby View Post
    It's hard to say in any more detail than that because when I think back on fights they are almost always about, well, nothing.
    That's good news. I've been married for 14 years and we argue about silly things too. It's pretty common in a relationship. The important thing is to keep it light-hearted and don't take it personal. By that I mean you don't start attacking each others character, name-calling or otherwise saying things you will immediately regret. Tell yourself this. Is what you are arguing about really worth it? Most of the time the answer is probably no. In that case, agree to disagree and try to let it go. It's okay to have different opinions on things. If you can respect where each other is coming from and your differences then your relationship will be just fine.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Spaz View Post
    That's good news. I've been married for 14 years and we argue about silly things too. It's pretty common in a relationship. The important thing is to keep it light-hearted and don't take it personal. By that I mean you don't start attacking each others character, name-calling or otherwise saying things you will immediately regret. Tell yourself this. Is what you are arguing about really worth it? Most of the time the answer is probably no. In that case, agree to disagree and try to let it go. It's okay to have different opinions on things. If you can respect where each other is coming from and your differences then your relationship will be just fine.
    Thanks. I never really thought about it that way but I suppose it is better that we mostly fight about nothing. I just need to work on some venting techniques that don't involve my boyfriend...

  6. #6
    mikejames

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    fighting is normal in all relationships. It's healthy and I'd be very skeptical of anyone who says they never fight with their spouse. I either call bullshit on that or if it is true it simply means one partner is a wet dishrag and the other gets their way all the time. Such an unbalanced relationship is doomed.

    While fighting is normal, it shouldn't be excessive and should always be fair. By that, I mean even when angry you don't go for the jugular so to say. You don't try to hurt each other by saying horrible things. You fight, but remain respectful and know where the line is.

    Also, it depends on how often. If you're fighting daily there's a problem. If it's that often, even several times a week or weekly I think you need to either consider counseling or ending it.


    If it's just that you're fighting more than usual, you might need to take a wait and see approach and see if it returns to a baseline. But I wound't suggest that you do that in a passive manner. While waiting I'd also be looking to see what we're fighting about, be honest with myself about what's my fault and what's theirs (it's NEVER "all their fault all the time" Own up to your own crap). Figuring out what you're actually fighting about is huge. Are you really fighting over dishes in the sink or is is because you actually resent them on a much deeper level over a significant incompatibility and "the dishes in the sink" is just an easy way to get the fight going?

    Relationships are give and take. You need to figure out how to let the small stuff go and communicate that well. Your partner needs to do the same.

    The reality is, even someone you love dearly is going to piss you off at some point in a major way. They key is keeping you're anger under control, communicating your limits with your partner and having clear expectations. Often it also means realizing when you're at fault and cutting the shit. It also means knowing where your line is on how much shit you'll take from someone else and having enough self respect to not let people cross the line.

  7. #7

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    I try to walk away, but if I have to engage for whatever reason, I follow the rule we used as kids for touch football.... 3 thousand count before rushing.

    Things are most likely to get heated when people talk over each other. You're unlikely to respond coherently if you haven't listened anyway.

    One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand. Then respond. Assuming the other party shuts up for that long. Sometimes you have to wait a while until they run out of words or need to catch their breath. If they jump in and talk over me, I stop mid sentence and stare at them until they stop talking. Sometimes it takes a bit for them to figure it out, but most people eventually get the hint.

  8. #8
    mikejames

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    I try to walk away, but if I have to engage for whatever reason, I follow the rule we used as kids for touch football.... 3 thousand count before rushing.

    Things are most likely to get heated when people talk over each other. You're unlikely to respond coherently if you haven't listened anyway.

    One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand. Then respond. Assuming the other party shuts up for that long. Sometimes you have to wait a while until they run out of words or need to catch their breath. If they jump in and talk over me, I stop mid sentence and stare at them until they stop talking. Sometimes it takes a bit for them to figure it out, but most people eventually get the hint.
    that's a pretty solid tactic.


    Many the trouble people could save themselves if they waited even a few seconds before shooting off at the mouth!

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    I try to walk away, but if I have to engage for whatever reason, I follow the rule we used as kids for touch football.... 3 thousand count before rushing.

    Things are most likely to get heated when people talk over each other. You're unlikely to respond coherently if you haven't listened anyway.

    One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand. Then respond. Assuming the other party shuts up for that long. Sometimes you have to wait a while until they run out of words or need to catch their breath. If they jump in and talk over me, I stop mid sentence and stare at them until they stop talking. Sometimes it takes a bit for them to figure it out, but most people eventually get the hint.
    That's actually very simple but good advice. I'm going to try it. Thanks!

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by mikejames View Post
    fighting is normal in all relationships. It's healthy and I'd be very skeptical of anyone who says they never fight with their spouse. I either call bullshit on that or if it is true it simply means one partner is a wet dishrag and the other gets their way all the time. Such an unbalanced relationship is doomed.

    While fighting is normal, it shouldn't be excessive and should always be fair. By that, I mean even when angry you don't go for the jugular so to say. You don't try to hurt each other by saying horrible things. You fight, but remain respectful and know where the line is.

    Also, it depends on how often. If you're fighting daily there's a problem. If it's that often, even several times a week or weekly I think you need to either consider counseling or ending it.


    If it's just that you're fighting more than usual, you might need to take a wait and see approach and see if it returns to a baseline. But I wound't suggest that you do that in a passive manner. While waiting I'd also be looking to see what we're fighting about, be honest with myself about what's my fault and what's theirs (it's NEVER "all their fault all the time" Own up to your own crap). Figuring out what you're actually fighting about is huge. Are you really fighting over dishes in the sink or is is because you actually resent them on a much deeper level over a significant incompatibility and "the dishes in the sink" is just an easy way to get the fight going?

    Relationships are give and take. You need to figure out how to let the small stuff go and communicate that well. Your partner needs to do the same.

    The reality is, even someone you love dearly is going to piss you off at some point in a major way. They key is keeping you're anger under control, communicating your limits with your partner and having clear expectations. Often it also means realizing when you're at fault and cutting the shit. It also means knowing where your line is on how much shit you'll take from someone else and having enough self respect to not let people cross the line.
    Letting the small stuff go is eexactly what I need to do hehe. Thanks, your advice helped. Always good to hear other's perspectives.

  10. #10

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    When we got married, I was given the advice "never go to bed angry". I think that is stupid advice. Like the majority of couples me and my wife argue a lot. If an argument gets a little out of control we both try and make it that we just sleep it off. At some point when you are arguing, you just end up arguing for the sake of arguing which is never helpful. We have found that when we sleep it off, we are able to take emotion out of it a little bit, and wake up and discuss things rather than argue about things.

    Hopefully that small piece of advice helps. It really helped my wife and I.

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