Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: A little background into my mental illnesses.

  1. #1

    Default A little background into my mental illnesses.

    I just would like to thank those who have supported me though my suicidal thoughts for the last year. but I thought I'll make this thread to explain a little about myself.

    I have untreated anxiety (depression), obviously I'm depressed, but lets say I've only officially have anxiety, though that can bring on symptoms of depression, so it's plausible I have both and don't know it.

    A little background on my suicidal thoughts, there unpredictable, I can go from happy to wanting to kill myself in a matter of hours, so I'm pretty sure I'm not mentally stable in that aspect.

    It's something that has practically drained all my energy out of me, I've been up for days, not being able to sleep, hallucinating.

    I used to see a psychologist, but my depression is so bad that I'm struggling to do basic things, such as bathe or have a walk.

    I'm honestly lonely and hollow, with no body, don't have any friends, so often I reflect on this, and have flash backs, to all the times that other people fucked up my friendships by manipulating them against me.

    The worst part is, I personally underestimate myself as a human being, and have high exceptions for myself. I generally feel useless and drained and like I'm not worth anything.

    I'm not sure how to explain the feeling, but lets say I feel less "worthy" than a serial killer, in terms of as a person.

    I'm not sure how to explain the feeling, but you ever feel so drained that all you want to do is sleep all the time, because everything is so boring and pointless? That' me in a nutshell.

    I also rarely eat nowadays.
    Last edited by LittleJess; 17-Jan-2017 at 13:50.

  2. #2

    Default A little background into my mental illnesses.

    U not the only one I try to for 10 years no help with big brother or step dad I still have them thought but I by my self still
    Big brother body abuse some mind abuse spet dad mind abuse

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  3. #3

    Default

    Argh... I know the feeling. My heart used to sink when I'd wake up and have to deal with being conscious again... :-/

    I'm much better now, but nothing would've changed if I didn't get some excellent psychotherapy. It took a while, but it was worth it. I also still take antidepressants. I wish I'd got help much sooner -- the longer these things go on, the worse they can get.

    I notice how frustrated you seem in some of your other posts -- I was like that before I got my anxiety under control. Everything seemed infuriating and illogical, and I would run through things in my head over and over, and every little day-to-day thing annoyed the hell out of me! :-)

    I'd definitely consider getting some counselling (and maybe antidepressants). I was lucky in getting a good therapist that I got on with first time (although I did a lot of research first). It's important to get someone whose psychological theories you can connect with. Also, everyone's different so they respond differently to different psychological approaches. I think it's important to find someone who is person-centred (or client-centred) and will use whatever techniques from whatever psychological models might be appropriate. In other words, instead of specialising in Freudian psychoanalysis (or whatever), they pick and choose from all psychological ideologies.

    Just making sure that you eat, sleep and exercise properly can make a big difference too. But if you're struggling with that, then just getting some good therapy and rest would be a good start.

    I hope you can find ways to feel better soon...

  4. #4

    Default

    Yes I recognize some of the symtoms you're describing. Now most days I don't feel like getting out of bed.
    For me it's probably part of myself but when I look back I feel much worse now than to say two years ago.

    I have an appointment with a psychologist end of this month. I have now idear how that will go because I've never done that before but I'm keeping an open mind and a silent hope for a more positive life direction.

    In the mean time I care well for myself; I sleep, eat, and do sports and I regulary visit my parents.

  5. #5

    Default

    I think it's very important to have faith in the diagnosis and the professionals treating it. I'm wondering how long it has been since you've seen your psychologist. From what I've seen in recent posts and blogs there is a very urgent need to get in touch with a professional as soon as possible. It sounds like there are bipolar symptoms going on which could include severe episodes of depression and suicidal thoughts, however, this should be left in the hands of the medical profession for diagnosis and treatment. There is a very high risk of self-harm, and we care about you and we are worried. If you feel unable or unwilling to contact a professional or get yourself to a hospital, then please do make use of the helplines or online resources that are available. I've always felt that it is on those days when we feel 'up' that we need to reach out and have a plan in place for the days when we feel 'down.'

    https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthre...ion-Help-Lines

    Don't let it slide. Something needs to be done as soon as possible. Make the call, please.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 17-Jan-2017 at 19:08.

  6. #6

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Binary View Post
    I just would like to thank those who have supported me though my suicidal thoughts for the last year. but I thought I'll make this thread to explain a little about myself.

    I have untreated anxiety (depression), obviously I'm depressed, but lets say I've only officially have anxiety, though that can bring on symptoms of depression, so it's plausible I have both and don't know it.

    A little background on my suicidal thoughts, there unpredictable, I can go from happy to wanting to kill myself in a matter of hours, so I'm pretty sure I'm not mentally stable in that aspect.

    It's something that has practically drained all my energy out of me, I've been up for days, not being able to sleep, hallucinating.

    I used to see a psychologist, but my depression is so bad that I'm struggling to do basic things, such as bathe or have a walk.

    I'm honestly lonely and hollow, with no body, don't have any friends, so often I reflect on this, and have flash backs, to all the times that other people fucked up my friendships by manipulating them against me.

    The worst part is, I personally underestimate myself as a human being, and have high exceptions for myself. I generally feel useless and drained and like I'm not worth anything.

    I'm not sure how to explain the feeling, but lets say I feel less "worthy" than a serial killer, in terms of as a person.

    I'm not sure how to explain the feeling, but you ever feel so drained that all you want to do is sleep all the time, because everything is so boring and pointless? That' me in a nutshell.

    I also rarely eat nowadays.
    Much of this is uncomfortably familiar to me. :-( I don't know if I have a lot of advice per se, but I can certainly commiserate if that helps at all.

    I also am still suffering with fairly severe anxiety and depression -- to the point it's hard to keep up with bathing or brushing my teeth or really doing anything. I'm averaging about one meal a day right now and my clothes are literally falling off of me because they don't fit anymore. And I have also dreaded waking up and just tried to spend the whole day in bed.

    On the anxiety side of things, I have also gone days without sleeping... I think my record was about 5. And I was definitely hallucinating by the end of it. I was freaking hearing voices!

    I don't have MANY friends, but I do have something of an inner circle. The problem with that is that almost everyone in that circle is long-distance, and I can really only talk with them periodically. I've mentioned Ken in other threads, and he's the only person who has ever walked out of my circle and told me to go take a hike; that was 15 years ago now and it still messes with me.

    As I've also mentioned elsewhere, I actually AM seeing a therapist, but she's a social worker and not a psychiatrist, so she can't prescribe any medications directly. She referred me to a nurse practitioner in the past, who started me on an antidepressant (Lexapro). It worked very well at first, I felt better, but there were two major problems. One, I developed increasingly strong side effects as time wore on... and Two, I was still being actively harassed at work. So, Bullying 101, the whole point is to make the victim miserable... so guess what happens when the bully's antics stop working? They step it up. So in the end, taking Lexapro made my situation worse. And to top it all off, contrary to her initial promise, the nurse practitioner refused to help me with discontinuing it. It's rather addictive, and withdrawal symptoms include things like manic episodes; but I weaned myself off using my own improvised schedule anyway, and gave the nurse practitioner one hell of a lecture on my way out. o.o;

    I understand feeling generally worthless... but less worthy than a serial killer? Wow, really? o.o I don't think I've quite felt that way before.

    I'm not quite suicidal anymore, thankfully. The last time I was, it was my cat that stopped me. That's right... my CAT. She did it deliberately. I had been basically staying in bed and starving / thirsting myself and just waiting to pass out (not the most efficient method, obviously, but I didn't have any pills that would be useful for the purpose and I have MAJOR issues dealing with the sight of blood, so...). She sat nearby and watched me, and every time my eyes would slip closed, she'd reach out and put a paw on my arm. I'd open my eyes again to find her staring at me very intently, but once they were open she'd go back to just watching. This went on for hours, it was a very intentional thing on her part. Eventually I got the message: "Don't leave me." I don't know if I've ever honestly mattered to someone as much as I apparently do to my cat... but that was enough to get me up and trying to eat again. Her name is "Chai" and she's cute as anything. ^^; The point of the story, I guess, is that you don't always know who you matter to or how much, and it's not something you'd want to realize too late... if that makes sense.

    I think I've rambled on enough now. ^^; But anyway, FWIW, as a matter of personal policy, I don't talk to "worthless" people (and plenty fall in that category for me; I'm more than a bit misanthropic). But I'm talking to you. So, you're at least a FEW notches above "serial killer" in my book. Take care of yourself.

    ~S

  8. #8

    Default

    I had those times too, only living in a shell feeling so miserable. I went to a therapist and had them write me in a day hospital thingy, where they have group therapy and such on workdays over the day... That was necessary, because my actual therapist just didn't do it. I dropped out of school, I dropped out of voluntary work and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I just fought against it. It still comes back, though, and I might rely on therapy all my life, but, if I can stay alive one year longer, that makes me happy.

  9. #9

    Default

    Starrunner, I feel for you. I am sure many do. I am 44 years all and struggled all my life with anxiety, depression, and dislexia. I remember one time in my life I almost killed myself at 16 years old. I had a nose around my neck. I just couldn't do it. I chickened out. I am glad I did. The depression and anxiety come from my fathers side. My grandfather committed suicide. My dad and I have both gone through it. He has been less succesful at dealing with it than I have. I never really delt with it well untill I got out to see the world which was sort of forced by my job. I am on a small dose of zoloft (100 mg) but that is all I take. I do trying to eat some food and herbal teas.

    First, fight. You have to be a fighter to when over this! Surrond yourself with positive toughts. The wolf you feed will win in the end. So if you catch yourself thinknig negative thoughts, force youself to wright positive thoughts. I know it isn't easy. I have failed many times but won many more with this. Except you will back track. But you will get back up. I grew up with no internet. I was in to diapers a 7 years old. I didn't understand. I thought I was the only one in the world but it wasn't till my early 30's I learned I wasn't. This site has help with that aspect. So your not alone. Yes, I am positve you underestmate yourself. It is hard to get out. I know the feeling of comparing yourself to a serial killer or rapest. I have done that exact thing. Trying to think why am I worthy.

    What I learned it isn't about being worthy. I have forceing myself to stop thinking that way. Repeated programing myself over and over. Second, as I said I got out a seen the world. I have help build houses for the poor in mexico. brazil, India. I am not really highly religous person but seeing these people. Make you feel luckly. It makes you realize we are all humans. To struggle is human. We forget that.

    I also have a wife that works in a premature level 3 neonatal hospital. Most of her babies are from drug users, having 8 babies before 23. None of which live with the parents. They abuse our system. The babies will have no life because of what the parents have done to them and to what they will do them. You realize when your up close and personal with these people, your not so bad. A simple act of love makes you so much better. So I challenge you today. To do a simple random act of love. Smile to some as you walk by them. So few do it today and I don't know why. Open the door for someone. She someone with a child in the line crying, give them your spot. That is what a good human being is and don't expect a thank you in return. If you get that is good.

    Next, force yourself with positive journal. If you want help, I will help you. Do one thing a day when you down this far, even if it is brushing your teeth. If you need help, we are here for you.

    I didn't get married till I was 33 years old. I now have two beutiful children that I love. (yes sometimes my depression tells me how shity of a father I am) BUt, I have to look up at the reality of the world. I am a manager for a large chemical complex. I doubt myself everyday and anxeity acts still happen. The key to this message is, is that what you have will never go away but if you determined and harded head. You can push it back to enjoy life and find value. Life is a gift not a given. It was given to randomly and why I will never know. What is next I will never know. But I will not worry about that but focus on the moment. Focus on making myself stronger. Find your self a support system even if it on here.

    I am willing to buy a book that helped me, if you promise to read some of it. We will figure out how to get it to you.

    Littleboyof40

Similar Threads

  1. M4 background
    By D0ris in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 22-Dec-2014, 05:28
  2. Replies: 29
    Last Post: 29-Jun-2014, 06:34

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.