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Thread: My life Part 2

  1. #1

    Default My life Part 2

    Alright so this is part 2. You can find part 1 here

    Alright, so I want to focus a little bit on a few things. First, bed wetting. I do believe I mentioned how I have been a bed wetter for as long as I can remember. This does not mean, I have been a bed wetter right from the beginning because I don't think I was. It wouldn't make a whole lot of sense if I was since my mom really didn't know about it. But I can't remember a time when I wasn't a bed wetter if that makes any sense XD.

    All I do know is from the time I started being one, my mom was unaware of it. Some part of me wanted her to know, while another part of me felt pretty terrified about it. So I pretty much hid the fact that it was happening. One of the ways I hid it was by making makeshift diapers. Other times I would just wake up to a wet bed and sort of deal with it. There were times where I just placed a towel over the wet spot so I could go back to sleep. There were times I just got some heavy clothing like a sweater and used that as a blanket. Sometimes I would sleep in the closet like that since my bed was wet and uncomfortable.

    Now at some point, I do know I also started doing it on purpose sometimes as well. I don't remember exactly when I started to do that, but I do remember enjoying the feeling and also felt if it was happening more often, maybe my mom would stumble on it.

    Now, you might be wondering, why on earth didn't you just tell your mom? The truth is, I don't really know why I was so scared. All I know is, I didn't want to disappoint her nor did I want to be yelled at.

    So at some point, my sister got pretty sick with a stomach virus and she needed to wear pull-ups. I remembered we had some left. So at night I snuck downstairs and climbed on top of the washing machine so I could reach the shelf on top and pull one out and then go back upstairs and put it on.

    Now ... umm, I was stupid and hid it on the side of my drawer. Think it was about 3 in and my mom found out. So she yelled at all three of us to come upstairs. I don't know why she did this, as they were located in my room, but she had my sisters come as well. So she yelled at us ... “Who fucking did this?!” we all stayed silent. At this point, I was so embarrassed and had no clue what to do or say. She screamed again “I am going to beat the shit out of whoever did this once I find out.”

    Now again ... she had to have known it was me. I am not sure if she was purposefully trying to embarrass me in front of my sisters ... not entirely sure. She somehow didn't manage to find out I was wetting the bed, though ... oddly enough. :/

    Also, at this point, I find it strange she didn't decide to take me to a psychologist, doctor, or something o.o ... maybe she just chalked it down to me being lazy. She often accused me of that.

    I don't remember my exact age during this time, but I do know I was still in elementary school, so still pretty young.

    Ok, so the next thing I wanted to talk about is my gender identity issues during this time. The way I sort of worked it out in my head was that my sisters were older and that is why they got the things that they got. I was aware I was called a boy, but I was not aware that I wasn't a girl. I thought I just had to reach the right age and I would be treated the same. It really took me a while to realize I was never going to be a girl as I was not born one. This, in turn, made me fairly jealous of my sisters, although I always kept this sort of stuff to myself.

    So my sisters would want to play Sailor Moon .. it was sort of a roleplay thing they always liked to do and had me play as Tuxedo Mask. I did ask one time why I always had to be him, and they told me cause I was a boy. Talk about pretty frustrating lol.

    In the morning I would go downstairs to watch my mom put on makeup as she got ready for work. It was sort of a ritual thing I started doing. Every morning same time. When she would do her nails, I would also watch her at the table.

    There were also several times when no one was home I put on makeup and nail polish. I would also try on a dress maybe or try on high heels ... XD my feet were too small, though.

    Next, up we have elementary school and my experience there. For the most part, it was all good, besides all the people x.x ... I didn't really enjoy being around others so I stuck mostly to myself. I found I couldn't really understand others all too well. There was only one person who I talked to and that was a girl named Alexandra. She had a pretty big crush on me and kinda forced me to be her “boyfriend.” Course when I say forced, I mean sent me notes in class and if I said no she would cry till I said yes.

    Anyway, I suppose it wasn't too bad, at least I had one friend lol. So besides her, I would get picked on pretty often. Mainly being called gay. I would cry about almost anything. Sometimes someone could say something sarcastic and I wouldn't realize they were being sarcastic and thought they were serious. My mom has done it quite a few times. The teachers as well. I have a lot of difficulty understanding sarcasm at times. I have gotten a bit better at it though and can typically recognize it now, though sometimes I still don't. Not too long ago, for example, I told my friend I don't act like a child in front of her. She said “Of course you don't” apparently in a sarcastic manner. Didn't realize and was like well ya cause I never act childish in front of you. About 10 seconds after I was like ... wait ... was that sarcasm? She just laughed and was like, well at least you eventually got it. XD

    Anyway, back to school. So I would cry in class often. Like very often. I think I cried the most out of any student in my class. I would also be chased after by about 4 – 5 kids after school all the way to the bus. They would hit me and tease me. Shove me, call me names, threaten me. Ya ... to say the least I hated school. I hated people.

    The reason I went into some of these things is because I know if I continued to talk about the situation at home, I would entirely forget to mention any of that. So I felt it was important to get it out of the way. So let's move on back home.

    So our dinner situation was pretty bad. Since my mom worked she had Joe fix supper for us. So it was mostly microwavable dinners, those box things, sometimes hot pockets which were rare, but not too bad. Microwavable pizza .. again rare but not too bad when we actually got it. He would actually mark down on the calendar on what we would be having. Basically, everything we got was microwavable. With the exception being like a can of tuna. He wouldn't make anything with the tuna he would just give us the can and can opener.

    At the same time he would be eating a meal like a steak, and salad for example. He would often tell us how good his meal was and how it was a shame we couldn't have any. He would do the same thing when he would eat his donuts or coffee cake.

    Now we were forced to eat everything. We couldn't leave a single piece of food left otherwise he would ground us for the rest of the night.

    Ok, so something else that would occur at home is panic attacks. Although I didn't know that is what they were and neither did my mom. All I knew is there were times where I began to have trouble breathing, my chest grew tight, I felt light headed, sick to my stomach, and I couldn't stop shaking. The only way I would feel better was to focus on something to an absurd degree. Can't look away ... can't stop doing what I am doing. My mom couldn't figure out what was wrong, so she took me to a doctor and I can't remember entirely what they said, but they mentioned it was stress related.

    I know my mom scoffed at it because she figured what stress could a kid possibly be in? So she never took me back to a doctor again for that. I just had to deal with it when it occurred. Joe would often say I was faking it. Just to cause issues.

    Still so much to go over but I will say this is long enough for part 2. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, I really appriciate it.

  2. #2

    Default My life Part 2

    Hopefully things get better for you in part 3

  3. #3


    Quote Originally Posted by PyjamaBaby View Post
    Hopefully things get better for you in part 3
    I am afraid not. Still have not even come to the worst.

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