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Thread: Stressed Out

  1. #1

    Default Stressed Out

    I need to vent...

    If you're familiar with my blogs and threads you know the recent past months have been hard on me. In fact 2016 has just been a pretty shitty year.

    There's just been... so much going on lately. I've severed ties with my best [online] friend, got a new bird, started the process of being evaluated for autism, my therapist wants me to talk to the psychologist doing said evaluation about my infantilism and I feel uncomfortable doing so, found out I need two teeth pulled, fell and sprained my ankle pretty badly, the welfare department's getting screwy with my Medicaid paperwork...

    I've noticed I've been making a decent number of threads lately... and frankly, I think I just crave the attention.

    It seems I have a habit of getting these worries/obsessions and hanging on to them for a while before moving on to the next thing. Back in October it was guilt over my dead dog that drove me into therapy. Earlier this week it was worrying that my new bird could die at any second. I get on edge about the health of my aquarium fish.

    My anxiety just manifests itself in different ways I suppose. I guess I was so nervous at the dentist this week that I had a pulse of 140 beats per minute. Hell, even the thing that goes around your car at the automatic touchless car wash makes me kind of nervous - it's like a big gun shooting all this water at you and it's kind of scary! Fuck, I have issues, I'm tearing up thinking about it, just like a little kid... I am a little kid...

    I got back in touch with an online acquaintance over the summer after a couple years... I kinda sorta started having some minor feelings for him, but I knew pursuing it was pointless... He's been online but not on the site we talked on for a few months, and the last time we talked I sort of upset him by making him think of his dead dogs. I kind of miss him, and feel bad, even though he told me not to sweat it...

    What's been eating at me tonight is my other bird... For a number of years now he's been missing some feathers and also chews/sometimes licks his cage bars. I never really put much thought into it because he seemed pretty normal otherwise... but earlier in the year I heard about this parasite called giardia that could cause that. I sort of forgot about it until tonight... I could order a test kit, collect his poop and mail it in... costs almost $50, totally accurate results not guaranteed... The idea of it coming back positive, needing to buy and get medicine in him, disinfecting the cage multiple times... It's so daunting, with everything else going on...

    I guess I can do a good job of handling everything most of the time, but tonight I'm feeling overwhelmed. Not to mention Christmas is a crumby time to be that way. No wonder I crave the baby life, someone picking me up and handling all my problems for me, letting my worries slip away... Knowing I'll never truly be happy until I have that, but yet that my chances seems slim, at least for the time being... that's kind of hard too.

    This has been kind of rambly, but it has helped take the edge off.

  2. #2

    Default

    I'm sorry to hear about your bird. Would your parents pay for a trip to the vets? My uncle Dave was probably the world's foremost on bird disease, so I'm guessing there could be a number of possibilities as to your birds problem.

    I had to talk about my infantalism to my shrink when I was in college. It was embarrassing, but I got through it. I had other problems that were far more serious, so that's where he wanted to spend time. I think it might be good for you to have a professional to talk to. Sometimes we just spin our wheels and get nowhere. Sometimes we can't make progress without some sort of help. When do you see him?

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I'm sorry to hear about your bird. Would your parents pay for a trip to the vets? My uncle Dave was probably the world's foremost on bird disease, so I'm guessing there could be a number of possibilities as to your birds problem.

    I had to talk about my infantalism to my shrink when I was in college. It was embarrassing, but I got through it. I had other problems that were far more serious, so that's where he wanted to spend time. I think it might be good for you to have a professional to talk to. Sometimes we just spin our wheels and get nowhere. Sometimes we can't make progress without some sort of help. When do you see him?
    If my bird was actually acting sick, I think they would be more willing to foot the bill. But seeing he's been this way for a long time, I don't really want to ask and that's why I was going to go the home test route... It's apparently sometimes a tricky disease to diagnosis. The tests don't always pick up on it 100% of the time.

    I saw the psychologist for the first time last week and go back again on January 9. When I went to my therapist on Wednesday, I asked her if she thought I should discuss my infantilism with him and she said yes, but I was leaning towards not disclosing it. I don't really want to see him long-term, I just want to know if I have autism...

  4. #4

    Default

    I think you're right in that you should know if you're on the Autistic scale or not because that will affect how you see and understand yourself. Where discussing infantalism might be important, is if it's holding you back from doing the adult things we all have to do, day after day. It can be an escape if one isn't careful.

    Good luck with your bird. I'm an animal lover, so I understand.

  5. #5

    Default

    Sigh...

    Some days are better than others. Today is not one of them. I figure I'll just recycle this thread to whine some more.

    My mood turned to shit this morning when my parents left and forgot to take me to the YMCA. Then I only soured it more by picking up the newspaper and being reminded that I will most likely lose my health insurance as Congress gets to work dismantling the Affordable Care Act. Medicaid expansion likely to go, it says. To me it matters little if they say things will likely not change for two to four years. When you're currently in therapy, being evaluated for autism, and need teeth pulled, you feel like your benefits will be ripped from you the day Donald Trump takes his seat in the White House, and you'll be back to square one. Like taking candy from a baby.

    I generally don't like to get too political on here. But I never really liked Obamacare. However, it gave me free health insurance and thus access to the services I need. Yes, it has flaws, but it has done some good too. I think most people, regardless of where they stand on the political spectrum, can agree that taking a necessary resource from a vulnerable person is a dick move.

    I don't know who I was kidding, trying to be optimistic about 2017. It's just going to be the same shit in a new diaper, for me anyway. I'm still cyber-stalking my unrequited love from 2015, after all. It's one of those days where the fact that you'll never amount to anything and never have anything weighs more heavily on you than usual. That no one will ever love you and you'll just die alone on the street.

    The thought of telling my mother about being ab/dl has been on my mind a lot lately. I've just... been hiding too much for too long. In all likelihood, I will be living with my parents until they die. I look at that time as when I will finally be free, but... I just don't know if I can wait that long. I need to be who I am now. Part of me doesn't even want to be called my real name anymore. To me, I am Kimba, not [my real first name]. I am Kimba, a two-year-old child, sometimes a girl, sometimes a boy; not [my real first name], a 24-year-old woman.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by KimbaStarshine View Post
    If my bird was actually acting sick, I think they would be more willing to foot the bill. But seeing he's been this way for a long time, I don't really want to ask and that's why I was going to go the home test route... It's apparently sometimes a tricky disease to diagnosis. The tests don't always pick up on it 100% of the time.

    I saw the psychologist for the first time last week and go back again on January 9. When I went to my therapist on Wednesday, I asked her if she thought I should discuss my infantilism with him and she said yes, but I was leaning towards not disclosing it. I don't really want to see him long-term, I just want to know if I have autism...
    ​I did not get the correct diagnosis of Mild Autism/Asperger's Syndrome until age 47, 11 years ago.

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