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Thread: Misunderstandings

  1. #1
    MarchinBunny

    Default Misunderstandings

    Ok, I can't imagine i'm the only one who has experienced this type of thing. I do think it's something interesting to bring up though.

    Anyway, so have any of you despite your best intentions on making a reply seemed to have upset someone by mistake even though that was not your intent? There are times when I can be responding to someone and as i'm writing it I don't see absolutely anything wrong with it. Now, i'm not even talking about during debates because I know during those I can say stupid crap sometimes due to the heat of the moment. I am talking about a regular ol conversation.

    To give an example ... Let's say I write a response to someone to get clarification on what they meant in a previous reply because I felt their comment could be misunderstood. Now granted, maybe it was only misunderstood by me. I suppose it's a possibility. To me getting clarification on what someone meant is important. I don't like to make assumptions.

    So let's say in my response, I explain why ... I felt it could be taken wrong.

    Now let's say after my response they reply back and explain it better. So then I tell them that it made more sense to me right after.

    Now imagine the next day getting a nasty PM from them, telling you how offended they where by what you had said and that they where going to block you. Not only that, but it's the most they have EVER been offended and this is the first time they have ever sent a nasty pm like that. So now I am like entirely lost and hurt for being so misunderstood, and my mind is trying to understand on what the heck just occurred.

    Umm this didn't actually happen btw, it's just an example.

    Anyway, is this a text problem?

    ---

    So you might be wondering, why does something like this bother me so much? Well, I don't like hurting others. I don't like offending people and it typically is NEVER my intent to do so. Sometimes I wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes, like I would do for them.

    Anyway, it bothers me a great deal and it quite literally will keep me up at night because I will not be able to stop thinking about what exactly I said wrong and how I could have said things better. I will not stop thinking about how do I fix this? How do I apologize? How do I get the other person to understand better?

    Then on top, I worry maybe everyone hates me, maybe this is what people really think of me. Maybe I just don't see the things i'm saying as bad but really i'm just a total asshole. This is why I tend to want to leave this site, because I often feel like ... maybe i'm just an absolutely terrible person and should not be here. Maybe I am just a problem here.

    Things like this also make me want to commit suicide too. Like ... there are times where I wonder why I don't just do it when it seems like i'm just hated so much. The only thin preventing me from doing it ... is because I don't like hurting people. But if I have no one, maybe there isn't anyone to hurt. After all, I have always been abandoned, why would here be any different right?

  2. #2

    Default

    I think that asking for clarification is proper when a post may be misunderstood. Sending nasty PMs is not. We should all give each other the benefit of the doubt and not assume offense. I would like you to stay around and those who take offense when none exist and send nasty PMs to leave. I know that you have a lot of problems in your life, and I hope you are are feeling support on here.

  3. #3
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ORBaby View Post
    I think that asking for clarification is proper when a post may be misunderstood. Sending nasty PMs is not. We should all give each other the benefit of the doubt and not assume offense. I would like you to stay around and those who take offense when none exist and send nasty PMs to leave. I know that you have a lot of problems in your life, and I hope you are are feeling support on here.
    Well, I wouldn't want anyone to leave really. Mistakes are made, we are human. I just find it's tough sometimes through text. Things can easily be misunderstood. However, as you said ... and I agree, asking for clarification is the way to go.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post
    is this a text problem?

    ---

    So you might be wondering, why does something like this bother me so much? Well, I don't like hurting others. I don't like offending people and it typically is NEVER my intent to do so. Sometimes I wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes, like I would do for them.

    Anyway, it bothers me a great deal and it quite literally will keep me up at night because I will not be able to stop thinking about what exactly I said wrong and how I could have said things better. I will not stop thinking about how do I fix this? How do I apologize? How do I get the other person to understand better?

    Then on top, I worry maybe everyone hates me, maybe this is what people really think of me. Maybe I just don't see the things i'm saying as bad but really i'm just a total asshole. This is why I tend to want to leave this site, because I often feel like ... maybe i'm just an absolutely terrible person and should not be here. Maybe I am just a problem here.

    Things like this also make me want to commit suicide too. Like ... there are times where I wonder why I don't just do it when it seems like i'm just hated so much. The only thin preventing me from doing it ... is because I don't like hurting people. But if I have no one, maybe there isn't anyone to hurt. After all, I have always been abandoned, why would here be any different right?
    Hard to weigh in on all parts of this one but as someone with OCDs I am often kept up at night in frustration when I read what I consider a incomplete, stupid and rude response to a perfectly reasonable question (I think) I have asked someone. It leaves me frustrated, angry and feeling completely deflated but I think they are my feelings at the time and maybe emotional troughs are good so the peaks feel so much better.

    Funny thing is I don't think people generally mean to hurt others with words, most people seem to have lots of things that rattle around their own minds that influence their response to others and one way text responses can't convey all your thoughts at the time.

    Finding people you can associate with is actually a very hard thing to do, it sometimes takes small steps, the people here on ADISC are generally very nice and careing but it doesn't mean everyone is compatible just because of a shared interest and a good heart.

  5. #5
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Argent View Post
    Hard to weigh in on all parts of this one but as someone with OCDs I am often kept up at night in frustration when I read what I consider a incomplete, stupid and rude response to a perfectly reasonable question (I think) I have asked someone. It leaves me frustrated, angry and feeling completely deflated but I think they are my feelings at the time and maybe emotional troughs are good so the peaks feel so much better.

    Funny thing is I don't think people generally mean to hurt others with words, most people seem to have lots of things that rattle around their own minds that influence their response to others and one way text responses can't convey all your thoughts at the time.

    Finding people you can associate with is actually a very hard thing to do, it sometimes takes small steps, the people here on ADISC are generally very nice and careing but it doesn't mean everyone is compatible just because of a shared interest and a good heart.
    Ya, I don't think many people mean to hurt others by their words. So I entirely agree. I try not to get offended by what someone says right away and tend to ask for clarification first. Granted I would be lying if I said I always did this. There are times where I may take something as being offensive right away.

  6. #6

    Default

    Yes I have had this happen to me. I was once talking to someone on another website and we seemed to relate to each other and get along and I was enjoying our conversations. Then she did the 180 on me and said she was sorry but we were done talking now. I didn't know if that meant she didn't want to talk to me at all not ever again or just for now and we will again later. But as I read the rest of her final message, she thought I was negative and thought my comments were somewhat bigoted and said I didn't seem to get there are different perspectives, and she said it makes her not want to communicate with me. She also said all she saw were arguments.


    I don't know what happened and why she thought these things of me but my husband thinks it sounded like I said something that upset her and all I had to do was just apologize and say what I meant. But here is a problem, I don't know what I said that upset her. I still apologized for making her uncomfortable and I figured she must have been talking about South Park so I told her I still like the show and I wasn't feeling negative about the creators.


    People always see me as argumentative and I have no idea how to communicate without sounding that way. I just like talking and expressing myself and my opinions and it feels like people would rather express theirs and not want to hear yours or else they call it an argument. That comes off to me as they are the ones who don't get different perspectives. It's like 'I can say my view but I don't want to hear yours." Are these the people I really want to be talking to? So I think this person did me a big favor.

    Maybe it was a misunderstanding we had or maybe it was not. Or maybe just maybe I reminded her of so much of her because we were so much alike, she hated it so she had to find an excuse to end it. Some people can't stand seeing someone who is like them. Also it's rare for someone to even tell you they are done with you and say why than just disappearing like they usually do and you have no idea. You only think they just got busy and don't come online anymore or they moved on from online chatting. I have had great people disappear and I sometimes wonder. One day we're talking and then they had to go and that would be the last time I would ever see them.

    Also do you have depression BTW or OCD or anxiety?

  7. #7
    MarchinBunny

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    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    -snip-
    It is pretty tough and I often wish people wouldn't just end things so quickly before trying to work it out. I do get sometimes maybe some people are going through a hard time and that can affect their reaction to certain things.

    I also have had some friends just randomly stop talking to me without telling me why. Doesn't happen often but it has happened. One of those friends I recently got back in touch with and things are fine now.




    Also do you have depression BTW or OCD or anxiety?
    Yes, I know I have depression and anxieties for sure. I also suspect I have borderline personality disorder. I do not have OCD as far as I'm aware.

  8. #8

    Default

    This is the problem with the written word compared to talking face to face. Facial expressions, laughter, smiling, can convey intent where just words sometimes get lost. I've often wondered what condition some responders are in while writing. Have they been drinking.... a lot .....or are they smoking the crazy weed? For me, I come on here later at night after I get my wife on her dialysis machine, or after I've done the dressing change and flushing with here dialysis catheter. Either way, I'm tired and I'm not always thorough in what I'm trying to say. I usually don't research what I'm saying. I simply let my butt think and most of my thoughts are coming from there. I might as well be Donald Trump..haha.

    There have been many things I've written and then when re-reading, I've deleted all of it, because I thought it might become misconstrued and it might be insensitive. I've also noticed that there are some members who really have no sense of humor, or my humorous intent can be understood because it's just words without my facial expression. I do find it's always best to re-read before hitting Post and to try and think how it will be perceived.

  9. #9
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    This is the problem with the written word compared to talking face to face. Facial expressions, laughter, smiling, can convey intent where just words sometimes get lost. I've often wondered what condition some responders are in while writing. Have they been drinking.... a lot .....or are they smoking the crazy weed? For me, I come on here later at night after I get my wife on her dialysis machine, or after I've done the dressing change and flushing with here dialysis catheter. Either way, I'm tired and I'm not always thorough in what I'm trying to say. I usually don't research what I'm saying. I simply let my butt think and most of my thoughts are coming from there. I might as well be Donald Trump..haha.

    There have been many things I've written and then when re-reading, I've deleted all of it, because I thought it might become misconstrued and it might be insensitive. I've also noticed that there are some members who really have no sense of humor, or my humorous intent can be understood because it's just words without my facial expression. I do find it's always best to re-read before hitting Post and to try and think how it will be perceived.
    Ya, it's something I been trying to do. There are also times I will delete the entire post and decide not to post at all. Then there are times where I will delete paragraphs.

    However, there are times where I am fairly certain I didn't do anything wrong. Nor do I understand why the person took what I said in the way that they did. I am talking a pretty tame post here. It sucks when you are treated as if you just kicked a person's dog out of nowhere. It's pretty hurtful.

  10. #10

    Default

    First off, I'd say you shouldn't commit sudoku. I don't think anyone hates you, I sure don't. Also don't leave! After all it takes all kinds you know, different strokes. Don't pay any mind to being misunderstood too much, I've had people take things I say or do the wrong way before as well. Don't worry about hurting anyone here, it's a forum, words only go so far.

    On apologizing to people, if you really feel that you're hurt someone, which I'm sure you haven't. Just say you got a little too passionate and that you're sorry. But don't apologize often, then you might become a doormat. I used to be a doormat,now that I almost hate to admit that. And don't apologize too often because of your opinion, just because you get into a heated discussion or two, doesn't mean you're right or wrong, discussions are subjective like that.

    I know you and I don't see eye-to-eye at all, but for me those discussions we have every now and again are challenging to me, and I enjoy that. It's not just you of course, but anyone I get into a passionate discussion with. Anyway real talk. You are a person, you have value, don't let anyone tell you the opposite.

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