The horrors of growing up

I went to see my grandmas today who is in the late stages of Parkinson's deseise and can't move apart from her eyes and mouth and has had a stroke. I can't recognise her from the woman she used to be.

Growing up she could go up and down stairs even though he's had a walking stick and then at the age of 14, my grandpa died from pancreatic cancer. So even then my memories of being at grandmas and grandpas house had been tainted as I saw my grandpa for the last time Thin as a rake and unable to keep even fluids down.

Since my grandpa passed away, grandmas condition got worse to the point where she was paralysed and then my uncle aged 35 passed away from liver cancer after knowing he had the condition for 2-3 months.

My grandad on my mom's side got cancer, he is still alive and I think he is in remission whatever they call it and then of course my mom died.

It's like everybody has changed so much, it feels like it was only a pleasant dream growing up. My younger cusions are now aged 10 and 7 but at least I am not getting reminders about my love of diapers and baby stuff.

And everybody is going on about how grown up and "beautful" I have become and going on about my figure and asking about college or if I have a job yet. I don't mind them asking but I hate it when I get asked repeatedly everytime they come over asking the same question about how old I am and whatnot, especially at Christmas when all I want to be is to be a young child for 2-3 weeks before the real world sets in.

Why does everything turn to crap when you grow up, I can't feign ignorance to it either. Everything gets smaller and you feel like a giant among the people you feel you got along and associate with the most, kids. I don't like how I look like a adult sometimes especially when I am with kids, I have got to be responsible for them when I want to be a kid and not have boundaries. I have got to at the same time make sure poeple respect me. I just hope poeple don't put the adult bomb on me too much this Christmas!

A very sad little who has poured her heart out, angelic...

As we grow, things change, people change, even we change! And it's hard to let go, I know.

But one of the benefits of becoming an adult is that with adulthood comes independence, self-knowledge, and much freedom from those judgements and expectations.

I think this quote by CS Lewis, that I heard recently and like so much, illustrates this so well: "When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up"

You're still very young, and that means you're still trying to figure yourself out and find your place in the world. You still trying to find your independence both financial and mental. It's going to take a while, for me it was only in recent years in my late twenties, as is with most people I think. But I'm confident you'll get there and realize it.

I wouldn't go as far as to say it goes to crap. Life has tragedy and pain, but it's not always tragic or painful. Zendot explained it quite well, though I'd like to add we are sheltered from the world as children - usually. But it is a part of life and a part of growing up. Being an adult can be cool. I've made amazing friends as an adult. We all dress like babies though. It's.... ironic. d:

Why worry about being 'old'? It will happen or not.

Not means dead at an early age.

Worry about not living.

If I died tomorrow i could say I did some great and courageous things in the world. I made a difference in some large and not so large (but still important) ways. I showed up and put up. Didn't always 'win the game' but at least I played.

I don't regret the things I did that did worked out badly.

I regret the the things I didn't do out of fear.

As I largely didn't live out of fear, I have a treasure trove of pictures, old cards and other memories of those who loved me as I lived as who am.

That is priceless.

Stuff, status, things and other 'clutter' are only desirable until one has them and realizes that 'more is just more'.

More complicated and more stuff to find a place for, maintain and worry about.

You will not be young forever.

But your memories of being young as an adult little will be yours to enjoy forever.