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Thread: I lived in hell for 17 years. I made it out, and I'm starting over.

  1. #1
    Doshy

    Default I lived in hell for 17 years. I made it out, and I'm starting over.

    Hey guys, I'm Doshy.


    Earlier this year I received a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm 35. I can finally start to understand why I am so different. Throughout my life, my intellectual and cognitive development has been years ahead of others my age, but my psychosocial and emotional development are in some ways so far behind the norm that I feel I'm just now coming out of my teenage years.

    I've felt like an impossible person, a complete paradox, for so long. How could I be a child they once called wise, a child with the ability to create and share his imagination, so talented and gifted... yet so foolish, so stupid, such a dumbass, so immature... so childish.
    That all started when I found out that my mother's unconditional love turned into rage when it came to my diaper fetish...


    When my diaper fetish first began to develop when I was almost five, I stole diapers from the preschool and the local community center. They were too small, of course, and I didn't think to throw them out after I used them.

    When my mom found them... well...
    I grew up being told I was sick, a pervert, by the only person in my family I trusted and loved... and for some reason her stance on diapers made her love conditional...
    Funny thing is, I found out in my late teens that her darling nephew (my cousin twice my age) also had a diaper fetish. I found this out while helping to clean out his bedroom after he tragically died.



    When I found the internet in 93, my life changed. I found a place where I could talk to people in a way that I had never been able to talk to them before. . I found a community, and a sense of hope that I didn't have to be alone all of my life because of my fetish. I found friends all over the world, and I met many of them when I was a teenager. I used to just leave the house and stay somewhere safer, where I could be me. I loved the ABDL community, and I loved my friends...

    And then I moved away from the friends of my childhood and teenage years, and I lost contact with the ABDL community when I could no longer find the ABDL and DPF mirc channels.

    And as time passed, I forced myself to think less and less of the community and of my friends so that I didn't feel the heartbroken hurt of being alone.

    Oh, i've had two true friends since then. One broke my heart when she remarried before I found out that she had even gotten divorced (I still am very fond of her, though), and my other true friend died last year.


    I've been wearing diapers almost 24-7 for about six months now. I wear them whenever I am at home, and sometimes I wear them out to the shops if I'm feeling confident enough that no one will recognize that I'm diapered. It's false confidence though. It's amazing how rumors of a guy who wears diapers can be so nonchalantly passed around as gossip. A maintenance guy at my apartment complex opened up a package that had been sent to me. Instead of it being delivered to my door, the guy had just left it at the office. That package happened to be a case of Bambino Bellissimo. He confirmed that he opened the package, although everyone had denied it had been opened and resealed, when he came over to my house to fix my garbage disposal and said "So I see you've got some DISPOSABLES". ARGHHHHH. . Even though the people in Washington state are far more liberal, having my oldest and deepest secret gossiped about is a nightmare. Socializing beyond pleasantries in this neighborhood is never going to work, so I'm socializing online instead.


    I realized something earlier this year... I had become a bitter troll without even understanding what I was doing. I thought I was just being blunt, and when I drank I would just give people a piece of my mind. It might have made people think in a way that gave them more insight, and I never was intentionally harmful, but it was always insulting or demeaning in some way. I felt so terrible about myself that I just wanted other people to realize they weren't so great either.

    Earlier this year something changed, though. My house had burned down, and I had nothing holding me down. I packed up what was left of my belongings into my car, and drove as far away from Georgia as geographically possible without leaving the United States. I started searching for answers, and finally found a Neurospecialist/Psychiatrist who was able to connect the dots. I described all of my symptoms to him over time, and he checked them off on a list. I learned that all of my struggles and hardship were normal for someone like me. I can now begin to cope and move forward with understanding and I'm coming to terms with myself and building my life back from a foundation of understanding and love.
    .


    At least I'm trying to... that's why I'm here... to reconnect and relearn how to be a social being again. I'm a great mimic, and all I really need is people around me who have normal social interactions that I can learn from and copy.

    I'm starting with the one place I know that I can find other people that have the same secret as me... a diaper fetish.

    I'm a 'little', I guess. I desire to act and be treated like I was when I was little. I was so cute and so smart and so talented... and I'm starting over from that point.

    Sorry for the wall of text with terrible grammar and punctuation! There are no edits to make this fine prose.

    Feel free to respond, and I look forward to reading what you have to say.

    Best wishes,

    Doshy

  2. #2

    Default

    Sorry that it has been difficult for you. Wish I could hear more about your struggles. Hope that you find someone to share your life with including your baby side.

  3. #3

    Default

    Hi Doshy and welcome to the site. It sounds like you've had a tough life, and I'm sorry. When my mom discovered my diapers, she wasn't supportive at all. She sent me to a psychiatrist at a large mental facility. Other members on this site have had much better experiences from parents. Everyone is different I guess.

    I'm glad you've found ADISC as we are a support group, and not just for people getting used to having a fetish or attraction for diapers. We share experiences and give support, so I hope we can be helpful for you.

  4. #4

    Default

    Doshy,

    Welcome to the site.

    I read your introductions post and I am impressed with both of your first posts here. Thank you for sharing your story.

    I believe you will find you are among others here who will certainly relate to your situation and even with those who may not, you are still among friends that wish you well.

    ADISC is a place where you can be yourself and you don't need to worry about keeping your inner little self hidden. It is a place we can all learn from each other and help each other. Even your sharing of your story here is bound to help others who may have had similar experiences as your own or are going through similar things as you have already been through. So thanks again for your post.

    Gives you a virtual teddy bear as a welcome to the site.

    TeddyBearCowboy


  5. #5
    Doshy

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Hi Doshy and welcome to the site. It sounds like you've had a tough life, and I'm sorry. When my mom discovered my diapers, she wasn't supportive at all. She sent me to a psychiatrist at a large mental facility. Other members on this site have had much better experiences from parents. Everyone is different I guess.

    I'm glad you've found ADISC as we are a support group, and not just for people getting used to having a fetish or attraction for diapers. We share experiences and give support, so I hope we can be helpful for you.
    I bought some DPF hypnotic tapes on my mom's credit card when I was fourteen. She looked it up from her statement, as I knew she would... and confronted me about it. I had prepared, though. I was willing and ready to tell her. I did my research, and read everyone's tips on telling your family. I had logical and reasonable statements prepared about how everyone's sexuality is different. I wanted to impress on her that it was my desire to be a child again. I missed the unconditional love, and I wanted to take a part of me in my mind back to the times before...

    She calmly told me she had looked up the DPF and had contacted them about what I had purchased from them. She told me she had talked to them, and she just wanted me to be honest. She wasn't going to get mad, and no matter what she would love me forever.

    So, I told her everything. She listened...
    and then she started punching me, screaming at me what a perverted faggot I was. She broke my heart that day, not because she had a fit, but because she took it upon herself to threaten to tell everyone beyond the immediate family about me wanting to wear diapers and be little again. She threatened to tell the few friends I had... but I was numb by then.

    I used to run away from home to a safe place when I wasn't much older than that. Several members of the ABDL community opened their houses to me when things at home got really bad. I would steal money from my dad and buy bus tickets. Those were happy days, and my joy at being able to be otherwise innocent self are ones I'll remember until the day I die. Usually they would invite me to stay longer, but eventually I would say too much and my self-chosen foster parents would start talking about calling child protective services and I would skeedaddle. It was always a secret dream of mine, a deepest hearts desire that one day another family would pick me up and take me away to a place where I was accepted and loved for all the good, no matter how silly, that was in me. Why did I never let that happen?
    When I got home she would accuse me of having sex with the people I ran away to, and she went as far as to start telling people I was gay and was having sex with men four times my age.

    Yet when she asked me to come down to Georgia with her, I did. I thought she needed me. If she didn't have me to madly scream and blame for her troubles, and then have my shoulder to cry on when it her fit passed, who would she have left? She lost everyone in her life except her children, so I was going to be there for her. The thought of her being alone broke my heart.

    If you're wondering why I am posting all this again, well, it makes me feel better inside and tempers my resolve to turn this mess into at least an iota of the brilliant life I could have started to live decades ago, had I lived it with anyone else besides my family.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by TeddyBearCowboy View Post

    Gives you a virtual teddy bear as a welcome to the site.

    TeddyBearCowboy
    *Gives the Teddy a virtual bearhug* Just what I needed.

  6. #6

    Default

    Sounds like you've had a really tough time. I'm glad you're on a journey to getting better.

    I'm sure we're all pleased you are no longer a troll. Hopefully you're a much nicer animal now.

    Looking forward to hearing more from you.

  7. #7

    Default

    So which one is it? You started wanting diapers at age 5, or you have a diaper fetish? If at 5 I'd guess it isn't purely sexual for you to want diapers (especially at that age). Or if you have a diaper fetish, then it is based on sex. Not that there's anything wrong with either of them, but your statements are just contradictory and confusing.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Slomo View Post
    So which one is it? You started wanting diapers at age 5, or you have a diaper fetish? If at 5 I'd guess it isn't purely sexual for you to want diapers (especially at that age). Or if you have a diaper fetish, then it is based on sex. Not that there's anything wrong with either of them, but your statements are just contradictory and confusing.
    I started having a desire for diapers at a very young age, I'm not sure what the age is exactly, but certainly many years before I was able to act on a fetishy urge in a climatic way.

    so...while it may be confusing, I guess what im saying is even though we have developed these ideas on what is a fetish and whats not, they are still wildly inaccurate terms that simply come the closest to describing to others our wants and needs. they are just the best choices out of a limited selection..

    Its entirely possible to enjoy things that might be of a fetishy nature, without any direct sexual overtones.. sometimes comfort is itself a fetish, and when we are not sexually aroused, that comfort is still comforting

  9. #9

    Default

    Welcome home! We are glad you're here. So sorry to hear about the physical, emotional, spiritual, social and mental abuse that was inflicted upon you. The only solace is knowing that your mother was probably abused as well, and was simply acting out a family pattern.

    Abuse sucks. We grow together in healing.

    Again, welcome home. You never have to be alone again.

  10. #10

    Default

    Yes, I knew I wanted to be back in diapers by the time I was 4, and at age six I was acting upon it. It can be fetish based at age four or six, because I can remember having strange feelings when I saw diapers. Juvenile or infantile sexual feelings are a real experience. Even male babies get erections. The idea behind sexual imprinting (see Wikipedia) is that sexual stimulus associated at very early ages with objects can imprint on our forming brains, a connection between an object and experiencing some sort of early, sexual response.

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