Accepting myself for who I am

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KryanAshford

KryanAshford

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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Little
Seems I haven't completely accepted myself for who I am. Part of this I can only guess it's because think so highly of myself. Most thing that could be considered a weakness is usually ignored or cut out. My abdl side is a baby, but I've never really allowed it to have time to play. I haven't purged in years, but I just have a hard time seeing myself as a baby. Even as actual baby, I was lone and mostly on my own. My mom told me, she had to leave me alone or my dad would try to hurt me. She would often show me affection when he wasn't around, but at some point I lost my ability to really feel. It's like being nerve dead in your heart. After so long of emptiness, every time I try to let my heart beat again for someone or something. It only hurts extremely bad. I only have feelings for maybe two people. One of course is my mom and the other this my imaginary friend. I KNOW she isn't real and I know she could never be real. But she helps get me through day. At one point I was much worse. I wanted to see everything and everyone burn, but things feel manageable with her around to support me. I just needed unconditional love for a change.
 
Don't lose the forest for the trees. You're not a baby- none of us are. You're an adult with an unusual desire that gives you a different perspective. You get to add these babyish aspects, some more based in reality than others. By following your desire you get to play with your sense of self in a way that most others don't get to. It can make you vulnerable but I also think it can lead to good things as well. Accentuate the positive aspects and explore how it can make you better and more fulfilled.
 
I have also accepted myself for who I am or have become, as you know I am incontinent due to reasons outside of my control and also because I have come to the conclusion that I will be in diapers for the rest of my life just like I was prior to potty training in 1982/1983 although to be back at square one so to speak was a little bit humbling and hugely embarrassing at first now I have been through all that I can now move on to becoming a better person who is moving on with his life and yes at first I thought why is my body punishing me although I came to the conclusion that maybe it was not trying to do that but show me that perhaps I shouldn't have been potty trained in the first-place.

I am now undoing that so to speak by training myself to use my diapers more than I used-to so that I don't have to fight my body anymore as per my blogs, I am 36 years of age male and wearing diapers is no big deel for me as I have gotten over the stigmatizum and have accepted the fact that my life has been changed forever yes I could opt for surgery to solve this problem but I don't want to because of the fact I don't need it although it was kind of strange at first to envision myself being where I am now and the fact I that although everyone told me I don't need diapers including my doctors they are wrong because without them I can't survive a normal day without having an embarrassing accident or making myself a target for bullies because I wet myself.

Yours sincerely
Chinababy888
 
Why I choose not to talk to a therapist because I did it before. When my parents were getting a divorce my mom had me go see someone. I went there for a few years and they didn't really seem to want me there. I felt more like a bother to them. I was usually there for 5 minutes before I was asked to leave. We often didn't even talk about anything. Lately I've been looking for help in some form or fashion, but there's no one where I live. They're all over an hour away. My week is burned off mostly at work mostly. Even at home, I get calls saying I forgot something small or something I think that's stupid. On top of that, if anyone does anything wrong, I'm told to go down there and fix it for them.
 
KryanAshford said:
Seems I haven't completely accepted myself for who I am. Part of this I can only guess it's because think so highly of myself. Most thing that could be considered a weakness is usually ignored or cut out. My abdl side is a baby, but I've never really allowed it to have time to play. I haven't purged in years, but I just have a hard time seeing myself as a baby. Even as actual baby, I was lone and mostly on my own. My mom told me, she had to leave me alone or my dad would try to hurt me. She would often show me affection when he wasn't around, but at some point I lost my ability to really feel. It's like being nerve dead in your heart. After so long of emptiness, every time I try to let my heart beat again for someone or something. It only hurts extremely bad. I only have feelings for maybe two people. One of course is my mom and the other this my imaginary friend. I KNOW she isn't real and I know she could never be real. But she helps get me through day. At one point I was much worse. I wanted to see everything and everyone burn, but things feel manageable with her around to support me. I just needed unconditional love for a change.
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I am sorry about your life experience.
I do not think I would ever know how it would feel to be abused by a family member physically or mentally. :sad:

If your ever in your bed late at night and you close your eyes just imagine someone looking after you and taking care of you.
You may have to go through the waves of other thoughts at come crashing your way like that female fox would look good in a pink diaper, Or that hunky guy I do not know I am not you hehe.:sweatdrop:

It maybe difficult but your imagination can give you the care you deserve. Try not to Over indulge because if you do it too many nights you may get tired or unconformable.
Imagining someone taking care of you is also good for early mornings as well.

Although you should tell someone about the child abuse and if your Dad is still violent towards you go and tell the police.
 
Starrunner said:
Sorry things are going so tough, my friend. I wouldn't give up on counselling because of the last experience. It sounds like you attempted it because your mother wanted you to have some professional support due to the divorce. Counselling will work best when it is because it is something you are actively seeking and because it is addressing issues that you have identified a need for help, not because someone else has pushed you into it (although she had the best intentions).

Counselling can be done in different ways these days because of our changing lifestyles. It can be done online, by skype, or in person. I don't know where you live but here's an example of online, free counselling... http://www.7cups.com/

I have no idea how credible it is, but you may want to scout around and see what's available to you.

I know where you're coming from, KryanAshford. I've also come from a home with an abusive father. It has affected me all my life. I don't think you can ever put the past behind you because you have experiences most people can't even imagine, and we are forced to find unusual ways to cope, through diapers, through imaginary friends, whatever makes us feel safe, loved and less alone. I can say that this strategy will work in the short term but it's not an answer. At some point you have to learn to move forward and take control of your life. It's a matter of learning how to manage the negative feelings and the anger. It's a difficult task, for sure and it's also important to remember that none of this your fault.

A number of children in abusive homes have a difficult time showing or demonstrating their feelings. When you show emotions with an abusive father around and get slapped down for it, it becomes a defense mechanism not to show or have those feelings. Sometimes it's what you have to do to survive. I do think getting out of that home and getting away from your father is a crucial step in finding yourself and putting this pain behind you.
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That's what I want. I want to leave. I have limited profitable skills. I'm horrible at school work so I gave up on trying college. I have a decent amount of money saved up, but I don't have a clear plan in place yet. I have too many interests and can't get it pinpointed to one thing for what I know would have to be a long time.
 
It must be difficult to accept being an AB when you had so few people in your life who could truly love you. Your mom did the best she could under the circumstances with your dad. I think your imaginary friend filled in the gaps. For me my parents were warm and understanding. My mother was put into a treatment center for alcohol abuse for three months. I was 7 at the time. Realizing that she was not home I began wetting the bed. My dad took me to our doctor...there was nothing wrong with me physically, so the next stop was a head shrink. He and my dad agreed I was upset that my mom wasn't home and that the housekeeper Ruby didn't fit the bill. Dad agreed and got a diaper service and put me back into diapers at bed time. I protested but soon realized that a wet diaper in the morning was more pleasurable than a cold wet bed. The following week my dad had to go out of town on business for 10 days. It was bed time and Ruby said it was time to diaper me! She knew! Ruby reminded me that she does the laundry and accepts fresh diapers from the service. Tuesday morning I was wet. Tuesday evening Ruby diapered me at 7 PM and hour earlier than usual. When I came home from school on Wednesday Ruby asked if I would like to diapered before having some cookies and milk. Sheepishly I said yes. While we were having our snack she explained that she had 2 boys now adults who wetting problems like me and that she understands boys and their need to wear diapers. She kept me diapers right after school until the next morning when I had to go to school. On the weekend I wore my diapers 24 hours. When dad came home she explained to dad that she kept me diapers as he suggested. I was a happy little boy for three months. I am now 72 and have been wearing diapers some time 24/7 and I love my diapers - "Warm, wet, and secure". Maybe your not an adult baby but just a Diaper lover.
 
I enjoy my diapers even my onesie and pacifier from time to time, but I can't get myself to do it so often. There is always someone around or thing someone wants me to do, so I often have to open time for me to diaper up. Often it's on my day off, and it maybe once a month tops.

On the moving away note, I tried this once before. I moved with a few members of my mother's family. It was nice and comforting for awhile. But what I didn't know was that I was being spied on. One of my own mother's family spied on me for my dad. He always knew what I was doing or if I wasn't doing something he didn't like. The other thing I had trouble with was finding a job. I was basically forced to take on the same job I had/have here. (Quit once only to have to come back and do it again) Between shifts I looked for another job, but no one was hiring. Every hire listing was lie. They was never a job wherever I asked for one. I ended up running out of money and had to return home. I hated myself for weeks because I felt like such a failure. I burned my idea books because I didn't want anyone getting there hands on them. They weren't doing anything for me, so they were useless. It was done in a fit of rage. I haven't restarted my books.
 
Stress has been at a all time high. I've been covering for half of my work staff because my boss refuses to allow people to punch in. It's gone down since I left work yesterday, but I know I might have to repeat this process again tonight. I've been thinking about quitting, but I need the money. I would have to cancel my vacation if I did. I feel better today and tomorrow I have off and plan to see Doctor Strange. So good times coming.

Back to the work thing. The job market here is horrible. No one's hiring. Barely anyone is working. For some reason people think is best to hold on to their money in this current state of things. It's only making things worse. Is people clinch their money. There's no flow. The flow of money is needed to keep almost anything country, government, or just people alive and thriving. I don't get how things are this bad. It only takes more work or less penny pinching on companies' parts.
 
I'm thinking about a fresh start. But I don't know where to go. It would have to be somewhere away from my father's family and maybe somewhere closer to my brother and mom. I'll have to talk it over with her when I see her on my vacation
 
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