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Thread: Accepting myself for who I am

  1. #1

    Default Accepting myself for who I am

    Seems I haven't completely accepted myself for who I am. Part of this I can only guess it's because think so highly of myself. Most thing that could be considered a weakness is usually ignored or cut out. My abdl side is a baby, but I've never really allowed it to have time to play. I haven't purged in years, but I just have a hard time seeing myself as a baby. Even as actual baby, I was lone and mostly on my own. My mom told me, she had to leave me alone or my dad would try to hurt me. She would often show me affection when he wasn't around, but at some point I lost my ability to really feel. It's like being nerve dead in your heart. After so long of emptiness, every time I try to let my heart beat again for someone or something. It only hurts extremely bad. I only have feelings for maybe two people. One of course is my mom and the other this my imaginary friend. I KNOW she isn't real and I know she could never be real. But she helps get me through day. At one point I was much worse. I wanted to see everything and everyone burn, but things feel manageable with her around to support me. I just needed unconditional love for a change.

  2. #2

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    Don't lose the forest for the trees. You're not a baby- none of us are. You're an adult with an unusual desire that gives you a different perspective. You get to add these babyish aspects, some more based in reality than others. By following your desire you get to play with your sense of self in a way that most others don't get to. It can make you vulnerable but I also think it can lead to good things as well. Accentuate the positive aspects and explore how it can make you better and more fulfilled.

  3. #3

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    I have also accepted myself for who I am or have become, as you know I am incontinent due to reasons outside of my control and also because I have come to the conclusion that I will be in diapers for the rest of my life just like I was prior to potty training in 1982/1983 although to be back at square one so to speak was a little bit humbling and hugely embarrassing at first now I have been through all that I can now move on to becoming a better person who is moving on with his life and yes at first I thought why is my body punishing me although I came to the conclusion that maybe it was not trying to do that but show me that perhaps I shouldn't have been potty trained in the first-place.

    I am now undoing that so to speak by training myself to use my diapers more than I used-to so that I don't have to fight my body anymore as per my blogs, I am 36 years of age male and wearing diapers is no big deel for me as I have gotten over the stigmatizum and have accepted the fact that my life has been changed forever yes I could opt for surgery to solve this problem but I don't want to because of the fact I don't need it although it was kind of strange at first to envision myself being where I am now and the fact I that although everyone told me I don't need diapers including my doctors they are wrong because without them I can't survive a normal day without having an embarrassing accident or making myself a target for bullies because I wet myself.

    Yours sincerely
    Chinababy888

  4. #4

    Default Getting started: A primer for Childhood Emotional Neglect



    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    Seems I haven't completely accepted myself for who I am. [...]Even as actual baby, I was lone and mostly on my own. My mom told me, she had to leave me alone or my dad would try to hurt me. She would often show me affection when he wasn't around, but at some point I lost my ability to really feel. It's like being nerve dead in your heart. After so long of emptiness, every time I try to let my heart beat again for someone or something. It only hurts extremely bad. I only have feelings for maybe two people.[...] I just needed unconditional love for a change.
    Skimming through your blogs here (because I'm about to crash for the night)...
    And, seeing what we've talked about before...
    And reading this post now...

    I don't know how the imaginary friend thing, works for you... is there something other than baby, that you can more relate to? Like a 'little', not a baby but still a young kid?

    And, if so - can your imaginary friend be with you then too?

    You know, we can't always be around here when you might need us the most yet, you are absolutely accepted here with us!

    I still didn't hear why and, perhaps you don't intend to tell us, why you may feel no use for counseling... I'm interested in knowing, so that we might find a way to have that option more palatable to your senses...

    Irrespective of your challenging upbringing; you are 100-percent valid and, every bit as deserving of the things this life may bring, as anyone of the rest of us are...

    I might be able to relate... a sort of emotional failure to thrive condition with you...

    I think I get the "feeling so highly" (of yourself) and yet, treating yourself quite poorly too... I couldn't decide to call it an inferior-superiority or a superior-inferiority complex but, still... it's a problem too... a bit of a matter of perspectives and conditioning (learned behavior)...

    I need to think on this more and see if I can find some relevant information to help you too...

    You have my best, KryanAshford (sorry - it's rather lame right now),
    With you,
    -Marka



    From: http://www.drjonicewebb.com/wp-conte...-press-kit.pdf



    What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
    Itís a parentís failure to validate or respond enough to a childís emotional needs.
    When this happens, it has a tremendous effect on how that child will feel and function as an adult.

    Because itís not an action but a failure to act, CEN is not observable, visible, tangible, or memorable.Therefore, the child grows into adulthood with no explanation for
    why he feels this way. Too often, he blames himself.

    Four Steps to Putting Yourself First
    Self-Care Strategies to Heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect


    1. Learn to say no.

    The people in your life have learned that you will be there for them, because
    thatís what emotionally neglected people do. Being a generous, compassionate
    person is wonderful, but sacrificing yourself too much by saying yes to things
    that deplete your time and energy is not. Remember this simple rule: Anyone
    has the right to ask you for anything, and you have the equal right to say no
    without giving a reason. Saying no when you need to, free of guilt and discomfort,
    is a vital building block of self-care.

    2. Ask for help.
    As an emotionally neglected child, you internalized your parentsí message:
    ďDonít have feelings, donít show feelings, donít need anything from anyone,
    ever.Ē If itís hard for you to say no to others, itís probably equally hard for you
    to ask them for help or a favor. To free yourself from this difficult bind, all you
    have to do is accept that other people donít feel guilty or uncomfortable saying
    no, and they donít have angst about asking for help. As soon as you can join
    them, a new world will open up for you.

    3. Discover your likes and dislikes.
    If you were emotionally neglected as a child, you may have difficulty knowing
    yourself, perhaps because your needs were not considered often and you
    werenít invited to voice your preferences. As a result, you may have certain
    areas where you know yourself well, and others in which youíre mystified. If
    youíve been focused outward for much of your life, you may not be able to
    identify your likes and dislikes, such as the types of people, food, and
    entertainment you most and least enjoy, or even the style of clothes, hobbies,
    and future aspirations that appeal to you. Your likes and dislikes are valid and
    important, so take the time to write them down.

    4. Prioritize your enjoyment.
    When you were growing up emotionally neglected, you probably werenít
    allowed to make choices that led to your own enjoyment. Or, if your family
    was scrambling for resources, perhaps there wasnít much left for fun things.
    In some ways, this last strategy encapsulates the previous three.
    In order to put a higher priority on your own enjoyment, you have to say no
    to requests that pull you too far away from it.
    You have to ask for help sometimes so that you feel enough support and connection
    to others to allow for opportunities,
    such as a movie or hiking companion. And you need to know what you like so
    you can seek it out. Think of one activity youíd like to pursue, and then follow
    up by taking action. Having more pleasure in your life will make you a happier person.
    If you wish to, KryanAshford...

    We'll work on discussing some of the potential implications of the Childhood Emotional Neglect and, how that might relate to your experiences as well as, what possible adaptation processes that were instrumental to your protection and survival, in earlier years; may now be obstructions and and harmful processes to your life now...

    My intent with this, is to hopefully demonstrate the practical needs and applications of some sort of psychotherapy... Which, in competent hands - I believe that you would benefit from...

    For now,
    -Marka
    Last edited by Marka; 29-Oct-2016 at 21:44. Reason: Adding info and further commentary...

  5. #5

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    Why I choose not to talk to a therapist because I did it before. When my parents were getting a divorce my mom had me go see someone. I went there for a few years and they didn't really seem to want me there. I felt more like a bother to them. I was usually there for 5 minutes before I was asked to leave. We often didn't even talk about anything. Lately I've been looking for help in some form or fashion, but there's no one where I live. They're all over an hour away. My week is burned off mostly at work mostly. Even at home, I get calls saying I forgot something small or something I think that's stupid. On top of that, if anyone does anything wrong, I'm told to go down there and fix it for them.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    Seems I haven't completely accepted myself for who I am. Part of this I can only guess it's because think so highly of myself. Most thing that could be considered a weakness is usually ignored or cut out. My abdl side is a baby, but I've never really allowed it to have time to play. I haven't purged in years, but I just have a hard time seeing myself as a baby. Even as actual baby, I was lone and mostly on my own. My mom told me, she had to leave me alone or my dad would try to hurt me. She would often show me affection when he wasn't around, but at some point I lost my ability to really feel. It's like being nerve dead in your heart. After so long of emptiness, every time I try to let my heart beat again for someone or something. It only hurts extremely bad. I only have feelings for maybe two people. One of course is my mom and the other this my imaginary friend. I KNOW she isn't real and I know she could never be real. But she helps get me through day. At one point I was much worse. I wanted to see everything and everyone burn, but things feel manageable with her around to support me. I just needed unconditional love for a change.
    I am sorry about your life experience.
    I do not think I would ever know how it would feel to be abused by a family member physically or mentally.

    If your ever in your bed late at night and you close your eyes just imagine someone looking after you and taking care of you.
    You may have to go through the waves of other thoughts at come crashing your way like that female fox would look good in a pink diaper, Or that hunky guy I do not know I am not you hehe.

    It maybe difficult but your imagination can give you the care you deserve. Try not to Over indulge because if you do it too many nights you may get tired or unconformable.
    Imagining someone taking care of you is also good for early mornings as well.

    Although you should tell someone about the child abuse and if your Dad is still violent towards you go and tell the police.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    Why I choose not to talk to a therapist because I did it before. When my parents were getting a divorce my mom had me go see someone. I went there for a few years and they didn't really seem to want me there. I felt more like a bother to them. I was usually there for 5 minutes before I was asked to leave. We often didn't even talk about anything. Lately I've been looking for help in some form or fashion, but there's no one where I live. They're all over an hour away. My week is burned off mostly at work mostly. Even at home, I get calls saying I forgot something small or something I think that's stupid. On top of that, if anyone does anything wrong, I'm told to go down there and fix it for them.
    Sorry things are going so tough, my friend. I wouldn't give up on counselling because of the last experience. It sounds like you attempted it because your mother wanted you to have some professional support due to the divorce. Counselling will work best when it is because it is something you are actively seeking and because it is addressing issues that you have identified a need for help, not because someone else has pushed you into it (although she had the best intentions).

    Counselling can be done in different ways these days because of our changing lifestyles. It can be done online, by skype, or in person. I don't know where you live but here's an example of online, free counselling... http://www.7cups.com/

    I have no idea how credible it is, but you may want to scout around and see what's available to you.

    I know where you're coming from, KryanAshford. I've also come from a home with an abusive father. It has affected me all my life. I don't think you can ever put the past behind you because you have experiences most people can't even imagine, and we are forced to find unusual ways to cope, through diapers, through imaginary friends, whatever makes us feel safe, loved and less alone. I can say that this strategy will work in the short term but it's not an answer. At some point you have to learn to move forward and take control of your life. It's a matter of learning how to manage the negative feelings and the anger. It's a difficult task, for sure and it's also important to remember that none of this your fault.

    A number of children in abusive homes have a difficult time showing or demonstrating their feelings. When you show emotions with an abusive father around and get slapped down for it, it becomes a defense mechanism not to show or have those feelings. Sometimes it's what you have to do to survive. I do think getting out of that home and getting away from your father is a crucial step in finding yourself and putting this pain behind you.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner View Post
    Sorry things are going so tough, my friend. I wouldn't give up on counselling because of the last experience. It sounds like you attempted it because your mother wanted you to have some professional support due to the divorce. Counselling will work best when it is because it is something you are actively seeking and because it is addressing issues that you have identified a need for help, not because someone else has pushed you into it (although she had the best intentions).

    Counselling can be done in different ways these days because of our changing lifestyles. It can be done online, by skype, or in person. I don't know where you live but here's an example of online, free counselling... http://www.7cups.com/

    I have no idea how credible it is, but you may want to scout around and see what's available to you.

    I know where you're coming from, KryanAshford. I've also come from a home with an abusive father. It has affected me all my life. I don't think you can ever put the past behind you because you have experiences most people can't even imagine, and we are forced to find unusual ways to cope, through diapers, through imaginary friends, whatever makes us feel safe, loved and less alone. I can say that this strategy will work in the short term but it's not an answer. At some point you have to learn to move forward and take control of your life. It's a matter of learning how to manage the negative feelings and the anger. It's a difficult task, for sure and it's also important to remember that none of this your fault.

    A number of children in abusive homes have a difficult time showing or demonstrating their feelings. When you show emotions with an abusive father around and get slapped down for it, it becomes a defense mechanism not to show or have those feelings. Sometimes it's what you have to do to survive. I do think getting out of that home and getting away from your father is a crucial step in finding yourself and putting this pain behind you.
    That's what I want. I want to leave. I have limited profitable skills. I'm horrible at school work so I gave up on trying college. I have a decent amount of money saved up, but I don't have a clear plan in place yet. I have too many interests and can't get it pinpointed to one thing for what I know would have to be a long time.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    That's what I want. I want to leave. I have limited profitable skills. I'm horrible at school work so I gave up on trying college. I have a decent amount of money saved up, but I don't have a clear plan in place yet. I have too many interests and can't get it pinpointed to one thing for what I know would have to be a long time.
    This is something that I really think you need to consider. Your father has been abusive towards you all your life. Living under the same roof as him is not going to be beneficial to your mental health in any possible way. I know from experience that living with an abusive or uncaring parent can kill your will to live, destroy your self-esteem, or even feel anything.

    I was eighteen when I moved out of the house to get away from an abusive father. As soon as I hit the legal age, I was gone. I couldn't take it anymore. Moving out on my own for the first time was scary. Fortunately I just got a job as a mail clerk in the government, so although the money wasn't great, at least I had a sense of freedom, and I didn't have to come home to a tension-filled house at the end of the day to receive more insults and bullying from my father. It was the best thing I ever did, even though my father told me I was going to fail.

    Just moving out didn't solve all my problems, but it was a first step, and an important one towards finding my self-esteem. It removed me from the daily ritual of being bombarded with the daily putdowns, insults, physical and mental abuse. It took time, years in fact, to get over the damage caused by my father. I was resigned to working as a mail clerk for the rest of my life, since it was instilled in me that I didn't have the ability to aspire to any higher goals in life. It wasn't until ten years later, at the age of twenty eight,, that I was able to put most of his criticism and contempt behind me, and found the courage to leave the work behind and go back to school. It can take that long, or longer, to get over the scars and the self-hatred ingrained in us by our fathers. A lifetime of abuse cannot be erased in a few days. The sooner you're out, the better.

    I think the fact that you're working so many hours and already saving some money is a good sign and it bodes well for a successful housing search. Again, I don't believe moving will solve all your feelings, but I do think it would be a good first step, and certainly there are people here to offer advice, support and assistance. I do believe in identifying short term and long term goals to address any type of problem, and perhaps relocating to a safe environment could be a concrete, tangible short term goal, in conjunction with a longer term plan for the future, which could include counselling, dealing with anger, and goals for meaningful employment.

    I know from your previous posts, KryanAshford, that you are a great person, with energy, creativity, and passion. I just want to see those qualities in you thrive and not be killed by the damage caused by your father.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    That's what I want. I want to leave. I have limited profitable skills. I'm horrible at school work so I gave up on trying college. I have a decent amount of money saved up, but I don't have a clear plan in place yet. I have too many interests and can't get it pinpointed to one thing for what I know would have to be a long time.
    {I had similar issues too - I became a Generalist}



    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner View Post
    This is something that I really think you need to consider. Your father has been abusive towards you all your life. Living under the same roof as him is not going to be beneficial to your mental health in any possible way. I know from experience that living with an abusive or uncaring parent can kill your will to live, destroy your self-esteem, or even feel anything.

    [...]

    I know from your previous posts, KryanAshford, that you are a great person, with energy, creativity, and passion. I just want to see those qualities in you thrive and not be killed by the damage caused by your father.
    {agreed with Starrunner}

    I'm sorry, KryanAshford!

    I guess that I didn't realize that you were still in your parent's house... That really doesn't require anything of a diagnosis, does it...

    I had ferel-'parents' growing up... my so-called father was a violent-unpredictable, physically abusive and, emotionally and psychologically a terrorist.

    Something that you and Starrunner might both identify with in a way... I would have rather had twice the beatings, and just have him keep his fu*king mouth shut!

    I was never allowed to be my own person... it wasn't until many years later, that I started to develop who I am... I was a fragmented chameleon... Who or what I was... is who or what I thought that I needed to be... to first, try to evade and avoid the barrage of abuses - then, to be accepted, maybe even liked to a point... eventually...

    I looked into the "7-cups of tea" that Starrunner linked to, too... I'm interested in talking with some of the "Listeners", to get a feel for the over-all approach too... (Looks like a very good idea)

    I also left the madness of my so-called home, when I was 18... though emotionally, I was more like a 12-year old (oddly enough, I appeared to be about that age to others too)...

    As both highly intellectual and emotionally very sensitive (sometimes volatile)... I was a walking contradiction of superiority and inferiority...

    I also found, that even staying pretty well out of contact, with those so-called parents... their words and actions (and neglect)... played on in my head for many more years after I left... I too, tried counseling... the lady was very nice and comforting (she even gave me a child's toy to take home)... yet, I didn't feel like she understood me all that well...

    I couldn't pin-point what I thought was wrong about it yet, it wasn't working for me then either... (fast-forward a few years later: I did get good counseling and, even tried some medications until, the right one was found to help mediate the high-intensity emotional aspects - which helped me to get better physically too.)

    I couldn't agree more with Starrunner...

    I've got some kind of a cold or respiratory illness going on now - I'm not on my toes...

    In-spite of my groggy, fumbling mind, at the moment; I's clear to me, that you need only to concentrate your efforts on getting out of there (perhaps, even far away)... get just about any kind of a job that you can get... not only will it give you some modicum of income yet, it will give you some new avenues of socializing and networking too... It's a starting place, not a destination... you will be able to see what direction to go in time yet, not as likely if you don't leave the direct abuse...

    It was around 1995, that I was your age now... we have a prolific internet and much better resources now than we did then though, it's still up to you to utilize the resources... you've got to get your-self out there! Yes, it is intimidating though, it's much more promising than staying put...

    You'll have to learn how to accept -love and acceptance-, rather than expect it, to ride in and save you... Yes, you'll even need to learn how to love and accept yourself (that will take some practice too)...

    You've likely got a lot of conditioning against you now... yet, that's really all it is -conditioning- Let's start turning it the other way now... get out of there!

    Try the 7-cups of tea, keep talking with us here and, get plugged in to those resources...

    Don't feel bad if you try and fail for a while... we won't hold it against you - we don't judge *some people get really frustrated and worried - they may seem judgemental or even unhelpful - mostly, they are genuinely concerned for you*

    My best, for now,
    -Marka


    One additional note:

    When I share parts of my story, about the various physical abuses that I endured...
    It does not mean in any way shape or form - that if you didn't experience physical trauma yourself; that you don't have a good reason to have the troubles that you may be experiencing.

    From first-hand experience and, that told by many others... the psychological trauma, is often times the part that corrupts our thinking and feelings and, lingers for many years - left untreated, it tends to suck the life (literally and in feelings) right out of you.

    Also: Psychological/emotional trauma, especially left untreated, un-moderated and, un-mitigated... does cause a number of physical/physiological problems too - I think that it physically destroys your body, including your brain...

    We've recently compared it to self-bullying and, I think that it can also be compared with addictions too... the often constant, fight-or flight reaction causes an endocrine response (some of the body's own chemicals)...


    When a threat is perceived, the sympathetic nerve fibres of the autonomic nervous system are activated. This leads to the release of certain hormones from the endocrine system. In physiological terms, a major action of these hormones is to initiate a rapid, generalized response. This response may be triggered by a fall in blood pressure or by pain, physical injury, abrupt emotional upset, or decreased blood glucose levels (hypoglycemia). The fight-or-flight response is characterized by an increased heart rate (tachycardia), anxiety, increased perspiration, tremour, and increased blood glucose concentrations (due to glycogenolysis, or breakdown of liver glycogen). These actions occur in concert with other neural or hormonal responses to stress, such as increases in corticotropin and cortisol secretion, and they are observed in some humans and animals affected by chronic stress, which causes long-term stimulation of the fight-or-flight response.
    Not only is the constant stress reaction harmful in it's self (and, it suppresses the immune system, appetite and, probably a significant cause of sleep disturbances)... it may also form a type of chemical dependency for which, as alcohol or other drugs may be... it requires more and more to be stimulated... you may consciously (or subconsciously) seek stimulus (like a high) or, you may find your self depleted and flat... numb, lifeless and, without desire to life or any sort of pleasures...

    So, psychologically... lacking as great of or, any perceived physical abuse - each person enduring (or trying to endure) this emotional aspect alone... has plenty need and is very much deserving of assistance... Please, seek assistance still!

    Thank you,
    -Marka
    Last edited by Marka; 31-Oct-2016 at 23:39. Reason: Additional note:

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