AB/DL & Abuse

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LittleJess

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I know with most AB/DLs there ABDLism isn't caused by abuse at all but with me I think that the abuse I went through as a kid is a major driving factor for my little side.

I pretty much went through abuse and bullying most of my life, ranging from getting black mailed which I haven't ever told a soul about, to small things such as being physically hit and abused, most of my abuse was verbal but that still causes damage.

Because of that I never kind of had a good childhood, not a single soul knows to what extent the bullying went on, but I do and being little is somewhat me experiencing what I couldn't as a kid.

Brings me back to the mindset of being a child, but without all the bad things that happened to me.

At the same time I feel like it's always been a part of me too, as I had interests in diapers most of my life, but I think puberty was a major driving factor for it, as I was bullied and found it a way to escape my problems diapers would just bring me into a happy mental state, without a worry.

That being said I can't remember most of my child hood, due to the mental blocks, but I can recall most of the abuse throughout high school, the betrayal even. It hurts me to this day.

I somewhat don't think I ever matured mentally, as I never was a child, I'm sure some little's can relate to that. I've known some adults who I suspect were little's (mostly a bit too childish like us :p) that had some messed up things happen to them.

A reason why I think I'm also mentally undeveloped is I still have the imagination of a five year old, me flying around or flying cars, silly little things.

I kind of never grew up sadly.
 
I can kinda relate to that, Sometimes I kinda forced myself to grow up at times but I always knew I was a little kid inside, due to the abuse that went on in previous households before I lived with my grandmother.
 
Shybug said:
I know with most AB/DLs there ABDLism isn't caused by abuse at all but with me I think that the abuse I went through as a kid is a major driving factor for my little side.

I pretty much went through abuse and bullying most of my life, ranging from getting black mailed which I haven't ever told a soul about, to small things such as being physically hit and abused, most of my abuse was verbal but that still causes damage.

Because of that I never kind of had a good childhood, not a single soul knows to what extent the bullying went on, but I do and being little is somewhat me experiencing what I couldn't as a kid.

Brings me back to the mindset of being a child, but without all the bad things that happened to me.

At the same time I feel like it's always been a part of me too, as I had interests in diapers most of my life, but I think puberty was a major driving factor for it, as I was bullied and found it a way to escape my problems diapers would just bring me into a happy mental state, without a worry.

That being said I can't remember most of my child hood, due to the mental blocks, but I can recall most of the abuse throughout high school, the betrayal even. It hurts me to this day.

I somewhat don't think I ever matured mentally, as I never was a child, I'm sure some little's can relate to that. I've known some adults who I suspect were little's (mostly a bit too childish like us :p) that had some messed up things happen to them.

A reason why I think I'm also mentally undeveloped is I still have the imagination of a five year old, me flying around or flying cars, silly little things.

I kind of never grew up sadly.

I an Autistic with Cerebral Palsy is a survivor of severe childhood abuse and neglect. It is a major factor in my being an Adult Baby.
 
I don't consider my childhood to be abusive, but it was far from perfect. I started having DL tendencies at 4 years old, although I toilet trained easily at 2 1/2. My mother was somewhat verbally abusive and smacked me occasionally until I got big enough to block her. It really wasn't something that left me scarred, though. She had neurological issues and could not control her temper sometimes. My father was one of the most wonderful people who has ever walked this Earth, but he let my mother walk all over him.

I was bullied badly from 9 to 15 years old. I was small, intelligent, and not very athletic. I was not a "nerd" though, which actually made things worse since I lacked a social group to fit in with. My AB/DL side probably kept me from socializing and getting into sexual relationships with girls. I came to terms with myself as I became an adult and have no real issues now with who I am.

I know that I'll never get married or have children, but I have a fulfilling life regardless of what happened years ago. I feel great sympathy for those who experienced real abuse. One of my best college friends suffered from severe depression due to childhood sexual abuse and nearly killed himself. I don't think that there is necessarily a firm link between abuse and AB/DL, but I'm sure it is a part of the equation in some people. I've been AB/DL for as long as I can remember, and I believe I was either born this way or developed it so early in childhood that I (or my parents) had no control over it.
 


It really sad that abuse happens. But don't think you are mentally undeveloped because you are not. You just see things differently.

If we judge intelligence by the ability to climb a tree than a fish will think it is undeveloped. Or just thick. Not realising that it can swim. It all about what we can do that counts.

Just because you still have the heart and imagination of a child is a good thing becouse you can do things that a lot of Grown ups can not.

I was told in a form of Peter Pan syndrome. All it takes is faith, hope and pixie dust.

Translate it into adult. A vision of what you want to achieve. (Faith.) Believe in oneself to be able to achieve it. (Hope.) Your circumstances, social background etc. These are thing you may not be able to control, but with work they can be changed. ( pixie dust.)

Then all is left is (happy thoughts.) Self motivation.

Then it the secion stat to the right and straight on til morning.

The great thing about us Little ones.
Is the intellect of an adult, with the mysterious death of a child.

This make us so much more fun to be around. You never know what we are going to get up to.

Also I have observed that give people permission to join us in play they will do. Some people just need to know it's ok to play. This is why adult colouring in books on the increase.

Anyway hope that's helpful to you little one.

Sisi
 
I had a far from perfect childhood myself, I had to wait in the car for hours with moms doctor appointments and half the time she was in hospital, but I don't think that's the reason I wanted to be a little, I just hPpened to like that stuff since I got out of it. I have come to terms with who I am and I am proud of what I do, i don't want children, I want to the child, I am going to work with children so I can be both a child and a adult. I have come past the wired part of it, but when younger cusions come over, it throws me off a bit but I bounce back. I feel purge because the kids are a lot smaller and I feel like a overgrown toddler. That's depressing!
 
I think abdl comes from us stressing out about things that are beyond our control as children. Also situations where we don't get that connectedness with our parents for one reason or another. Abuse is the obvious one, but there are less malicious situations like divorce financial troubles younger siblings or sickness could all cause the parent to be emotionally unavailable.

I remember during a psych test I had to take they had a question about loving relationships. How many people do you have that you could tell anything? I thought of the fetish and wrote zero. I was being abused at the time though. I was a total emotional brick wall day to day and had been that way for years. What I think led to the fetish is that no one seamed to notice what was happening to me. I wanted to be rescued so badly.
 
Honestly, ABDL comes from a variety of sources, its the destination and crossroads of many different paths.

I have known ABDLs who came from abusive pasts and used it as an escape, or a chance to live somthing they feel they missed out on.
I have known those who had a great childhood, and did not feel ready to leave behind that child expierance of wonder and comfort


The weird thing of all this, is our idea of abdl is heavily reflective of society's presentation of childhood. while some aspects will remain the same regardless of culture, others are only manifestations of the civilization we live in and idealic daydream fantasies we create
only you can say for sure what draws you to abdl activities, and what holds true for you, may not for others.
 
Shybug said:
I know with most AB/DLs there ABDLism isn't caused by abuse at all but with me I think that the abuse I went through as a kid is a major driving factor for my little side.

I pretty much went through abuse and bullying most of my life, ranging from getting black mailed which I haven't ever told a soul about, to small things such as being physically hit and abused, most of my abuse was verbal but that still causes damage.

Because of that I never kind of had a good childhood, not a single soul knows to what extent the bullying went on, but I do and being little is somewhat me experiencing what I couldn't as a kid.

Brings me back to the mindset of being a child, but without all the bad things that happened to me.

At the same time I feel like it's always been a part of me too, as I had interests in diapers most of my life, but I think puberty was a major driving factor for it, as I was bullied and found it a way to escape my problems diapers would just bring me into a happy mental state, without a worry.

That being said I can't remember most of my child hood, due to the mental blocks, but I can recall most of the abuse throughout high school, the betrayal even. It hurts me to this day.

I somewhat don't think I ever matured mentally, as I never was a child, I'm sure some little's can relate to that. I've known some adults who I suspect were little's (mostly a bit too childish like us :p) that had some messed up things happen to them.

A reason why I think I'm also mentally undeveloped is I still have the imagination of a five year old, me flying around or flying cars, silly little things.

I kind of never grew up sadly.
Some of this fit's my path beat up all the time at school .
Was small kid hi voice.
The trigger was forced into cloth diapers then sent out to play.
Then the hell started I was 6or7.
Mom was not a touching feeling type dad was very very stricked.
Some time's I picked my self off the floor not knowing what I did.
Bullying till I had to drop out of school or kill my self.
I chose to live.
Then sexual abuse in early teens by a stranger.
I very much understand where my path was I'm a little to be safe from the abuse and hurt I received.
I've nurtured myself my whole life because I couldn't trust anybody else and it's hard to ever let anybody in.
For fear of being hurt again.
So in way's I'm a big kid.
Alway will be one.
 
Shybug said:
I know with most AB/DLs there ABDLism isn't caused by abuse at all but with me I think that the abuse I went through as a kid is a major driving factor for my little side.

I pretty much went through abuse and bullying most of my life, ranging from getting black mailed which I haven't ever told a soul about, to small things such as being physically hit and abused, most of my abuse was verbal but that still causes damage.

Because of that I never kind of had a good childhood, not a single soul knows to what extent the bullying went on, but I do and being little is somewhat me experiencing what I couldn't as a kid.

Brings me back to the mindset of being a child, but without all the bad things that happened to me.

At the same time I feel like it's always been a part of me too, as I had interests in diapers most of my life, but I think puberty was a major driving factor for it, as I was bullied and found it a way to escape my problems diapers would just bring me into a happy mental state, without a worry.

That being said I can't remember most of my child hood, due to the mental blocks, but I can recall most of the abuse throughout high school, the betrayal even. It hurts me to this day.

I somewhat don't think I ever matured mentally, as I never was a child, I'm sure some little's can relate to that. I've known some adults who I suspect were little's (mostly a bit too childish like us :p) that had some messed up things happen to them.

A reason why I think I'm also mentally undeveloped is I still have the imagination of a five year old, me flying around or flying cars, silly little things.

I kind of never grew up sadly.

I can see how all of that would possibly be linked in some fashion. I would say it is similar in many aspects with a lot of us; without us even thinking about it really.

I wouldn't say that my tendencies with this fetish stem from any abuse, but I did go through some harsh daycare learning when I was young and given that was the late 80s; things were less...liberal? then. A lot of mine though I would say stems from being pretty quiet and more into 'smarty-pants' things going through life which caused me to be the target of pretty much any one of the kids in school who were considered the cool ones. I had weird friends, and we liked things that the regular kids didn't. We didn't play sports, we liked playing games on computers, we were into scifi and fantasy stuff. All around I have always had an over active imagination and even to this day enjoy a lot of things that many adults would consider childish. I guess it didn't help that in my family I was the oldest child and I ended up more times then not being the cousin who was brought in to care for the younger ones.

In one of my chats with my psychiatrist last year, I described it to her as: Being a nerd/geek before it was cool thanks to The Big Bang Theory. You hear the kids these days saying they are nerds, but they are just following suit of whats shown on a tv show without really understanding that tv shows paint a perfect picture. Its a shame that in the 'real world' you are made to feel like you have to be a certian way to be an adult. Or if you are quiet, you're odd or strange. The way I see it, many people who hide their fetishes are simply doing so because they want to follow the social 'norms'

No one says anyone has to grow up. Hold onto any imagination! I mean it could be worse; you could be one of the youngsters these days who have no imagination at all because they spend their days face first into a phone or tablet. :/
 
I used to think the same thing because nearly my entire child hood is filled with verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. Also being tossed around since no one wanted to deal with me .. so never was able to actually have anything remotely like a stable life. So it often made me think the reason I am an AB/DL is due to this. I try not too get too into my life on here, cause honestly it has been pretty terrible at times, almost to the extent of being unbelievable.

However, these days I don't think that is the reason because I remember pretty clearly liking diapers even before all that.
 
That's horrible, at least I know I was planned and wanted, that's a comfort to me but all my life I felt unloved and unwanted, it's strange what a death in the family so close to makes you realise, but we like you starrunner, you are always welcome here! Xx hugs
 
My need to be little I think came
from abuse and refusing to grow into adult because
I didn't (and don't) respect most grown ups.

I made a promise to myself
when I was 4 that I would stay me at much as I could.
I promised I would not forget childhood.

Most adults I had seen around me where
at best kind of like the ones in the little prince.
Sort of like robots or zombies who did the same things over and over in spite of it
making them vary sad. Many would pretend to be in the know when in fact they
where just hiding that they where frighted and confused and vulnerable.

At fist it was good but then
as I got older people around me changed and I didn't.
People around me grow up and became interested in
typical adult stuff.

I on the other hand by 5 I started to miss my stroller,
riding in the shopping cart, and being cared in someones arms.
By 7 I started to wish I could be little again, have a crib and all the
things I didn't have when I was a baby. By my teens I preferred climb
trees and watching cartoons to normal teen stuff. I longed to play at
the play ground again, play pretend, catch fire fly's, play tag.

I even came to miss having a child's body.
I liked the energy and the way time seemed to carwl.
Everything was brighter and less dream like some how.
More visceral and intense. I missed how everything was
just bigger. The trees towered over head and even the
mail box looked massive.

By adulthood I had big trouble making adult friends.
It was like big parts of me from different ages didn't
change because my "ego"/sens of self was resistant to change.
I'm mostly still "me".

So I probably would have been little even
what I wrot below had not happened.



I was abused sexually and physically by my family from 2 to 14
and can remember most of it because I have photographic memory.

I had a little sister to protect and a alcoholic father
who was a verbally and physically abusive sociopath child molester
(I am not embellishing) and a mother who suffered from depression.
The best I could expect from my father was to be ignore and the
best I could hope from my mother was a playmate who offered no protection.
I was of mixed race, vary intelligent, and obviously transsexual. A target.

I had to become an adult by 4.

I could never be like the other kids after that.
I had nightmares and suicide headaches and I was ... awake some how.
I didn't trust any adults to be "wise" or "know better" than me.
I didn't know who I would be living with or if I would eat from
one day to another. I played alone my whole life.



So now I have vary severe PTSD and yes
I long for the days when I was a toddler or baby and I wasn't sick.

OH if I could really be regressed for real I would
be cured from the PTSD that will one day kill me.
I could be myself and no one would think me strange for it.
I could perceive the world as safe and beautiful again.
If I where little again I would not have to know what
sort of monsters can hide in people. I could trust and
love with out any fear for safely.

Most of all I think I long to know what it feels
like to be completely vulnerable and safe at the same time, to be
loved and protected "just because" I am loved, and not because
of what I can or can't do for someone. To be completely at some ones
mercy and not be hurt.
 
Last edited:
I admit, that the abuse I suffered at the hands of my Mom still hurts.
I really had no childhood.
Cerebral Palsy and Autism kid, me, had to be an adult and fend for myself.
She has been dead 8 years now, and I still have painful flashbacks of all the yelling and hitting and humiliation I survived through for years, even through my early adulthood up until my mid 30's in age.
 
ShellyBelly said:
My need to be little I think came
from abuse and refusing to grow into adult because
I didn't (and don't) respect most grown ups.

I made a promise to myself
when I was 4 that I would stay me at much as I could.
I promised I would not forget childhood.

Most adults I had seen around me where
at best kind of like the ones in the little prince.
Sort of like robots or zombies who did the same things over and over in spite of it
making them vary sad. Many would pretend to be in the know when in fact they
where just hiding that they where frighted and confused and vulnerable.

At fist it was good but then
as I got older people around me changed and I didn't.
People around me grow up and became interested in
typical adult stuff.

I on the other hand by 5 I started to miss my stroller,
riding in the shopping cart, and being cared in someones arms.
By 7 I started to wish I could be little again, have a crib and all the
things I didn't have when I was a baby. By my teens I preferred climb
trees and watching cartoons to normal teen stuff. I longed to play at
the play ground again, play pretend, catch fire fly's, play tag.

I even came to miss having a child's body.
I liked the energy and the way time seemed to carwl.
Everything was brighter and less dream like some how.
More visceral and intense. I missed how everything was
just bigger. The trees towered over head and even the
mail box looked massive.

By adulthood I had big trouble making adult friends.
It was like big parts of me from different ages didn't
change because my "ego"/sens of self was resistant to change.
I'm mostly still "me".

So I probably would have been little even
what I wrot below had not happened.



I was abused sexually and physically by my family from 2 to 14
and can remember most of it because I have photographic memory.

I had a little sister to protect and a alcoholic father
who was a verbally and physically abusive sociopath child molester
(I am not embellishing) and a mother who suffered from depression.
The best I could expect from my father was to be ignore and the
best I could hope from my mother was a playmate who offered no protection.
I was of mixed race, vary intelligent, and obviously transsexual. A target.

I had to become an adult by 4.

I could never be like the other kids after that.
I had nightmares and suicide headaches and I was ... awake some how.
I didn't trust any adults to be "wise" or "know better" than me.
I didn't know who I would be living with or if I would eat from
one day to another. I played alone my whole life.



So now I have vary severe PTSD and yes
I long for the days when I was a toddler or baby and I wasn't sick.

OH if I could really be regressed for real I would
be cured from the PTSD that will one day kill me.
I could be myself and no one would think me strange for it.
I could perceive the world as safe and beautiful again.
If I where little again I would not have to know what
sort of monsters can hide in people. I could trust and
love with out any fear for safely.

Most of all I think I long to know what it feels
like to be completely vulnerable and safe at the same time, to be
loved and protected "just because" I am loved, and not because
of what I can or can't do for someone. To be

That me to a tee! I proberly made the same promise, I hate being big!
 
I suppose I dont know how my fetish started. I was never abused. I was smart, a good student. I was an athlete, captain of my high school wrestling team. I had good friends, the closest are still friends today, fifty years later.. I had masturbatory fantasies of being little from when I was twelve or so. Now, being little is my hobby. My wife knows, doesn't play. I am a lawyer and represent children who are the victims of abuse and neglect. It is important to me to protect children. Why do I go to a little space? I don't know. I don't think it matters.
 
This is an interesting discussion. I wouldn't describe my upbringing as abusive but it more likely fit into the category of textbook dysfunctional. I grew up in a large family with a hardworking but distant father and alcoholic and often ill mother. Getting attention was difficult and as a counselor later told me negative attention was often as sought after as positive attention as I didn't make the distinction. My fetishes developed at a fairly early age and were probably well established by puberty. I'm not sure whether they were a security blanket, an escape or a form of rebellion. I had a rubber sheet on my bed until I was 17 and made sure it was used so it would stay even though I seldom wet in my sleep after 14, that is until after I moved away from home and started drinking heavily. I heard so often that I was a loser that I came to believe it and it affected my ability to form and maintain relationships. I was always cautious that others would view me negatively and so often isolated myself even when others reached out to me. When I was younger I experimented a lot with casual sex and played both sides of the field. Today I classify myself as "bi" even though my fantasies are mainly hetero and I haven't had actual sex for a long time. My fetishes probably define my identity more than I would have ever imagined when I was younger and I'm sure my early experiences have played a big role in this.
 
Although I don't consider myself an AB I can relate to a lot of this thread, I had a pretty crappy childhood and have most of it blocked out and safely put away. I know some of my memories are real and some not so much , hard to differentiated between them.. some older sibling sexual abuse a lot of physical abuse from alcoholic father and mother in the late 50's there was no one to talk to about any of it. We were considered a free labor on the farm I grew up on.
 
I was emotionally abused by my "parents" and I believe it holds a great place in the fact i'm an AB now because in order to survive I had to grown faster. So as a kid I was an "hyper mature" boy, but my childish needs was not fulfilled. So now I'm an adult but in fact I stay a little boy inside and I have a lot of anguish and a lot of difficulties to feel like an adult.
 
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