Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: I don't know what I am doing

  1. #1
    MarchinBunny

    Default I don't know what I am doing

    So I typically rarely ever make threads talking about problems in my life or things I am dealing with but I feel there is something seriously wrong with me mentally.

    So a little back story, I am transgender and have had many issues with family in the past, from abuse to one actually attempting to kill me. I had been thrown out and tossed between family like a volleyball. No one wanted me, and I felt pretty broke. I was often depressed and always thinking of suicide. There are times where I would just get so angry that I would literally want to destroy the world, yes literally lol. I would think of ways on how it could be done. I hated people with a passion and wanted to destroy everything. I was often lonely and felt I didn't even know who I was or who I was suppose to be. I lost myself and was never able to return back to what I used to be. I put up wall after wall to block everything to where now it all just bounces off. I am only but a piece of my former self. I could drag this on and get into more details on exactly everything that occurred, but it would take way to long.

    Now I don't like saying I am broke, because I feel like I have no right to say that. I believe there are people who have it worse than me and I shouldn't complain. I purposefully try not to cause anyone trouble with my problems, even if that means I must remain in a painful state.

    However, there is something seriously wrong. I have not moved forward. I have not done anything. I have always started things, but I never finish anything. Why can't I ever find any actual motivation to do anything? Even in the worst of situations where I could end up with no place to live, it's like everything just stops for me, time entirely frozen and I just freeze. I know what I should do, but for some reason my mind always fills with doubt. I always assume I can't do it and I am wasting my time.

    Ever since my ex-fiance broke up with me, I have been lost. I have no idea what I am doing and while I am not in any immediate danger of losing a place to stay ... I am always constantly worried. My health is not very good especially when it comes to my teeth, and I have also gained a bit of weight .. which I am not too happy about. I have no way of correcting these issue as I can't get a job legally where I am living. I often worry I am going to die here one day. But for some reason all it does is cause me to shut down and not do anything and I don't understand why.

    How can I be in such a bad situation and not seem to have any motivation to do anything about it? Is it depression? Am I so filled with fear that I froze to prevent anything bad from happening?

    See the truth is, I don't think I am fine with how I am, and don't think I have been fine for a very long time. Any time someone asks how I am doing, and I say fine it feels like it's a lie. I mean, I have been like this long before my ex-fiance. So it's not like it started recently.

    For example, I went to college twice and both times I shut down, froze and stopped doing what I should be doing. It's even worse if I find a friend to talk to. Then I will do anything to try and be with them even if it means skipping classes because I don't want to be alone.

    I can sort of understand why no one wanted me. I am pretty much a loser who can do so much, but never finish a thing. I always act like I am fine, when I am not. I get jealous of others pretty often too.

    Is there anyway to fix this brokenness I feel? Anyway to make me excited to actually do something worth actually doing and finish it?

    I don't know. I don't really expect anyone to be able to help, I just felt like talking about it for whatever reason. I don't even want to get started about how I feel about being transgender, as I hate it so much. >.>

    I am not in any immediate risk of committing suicide. In fact, I am far past that sort of thought process I believe. But maybe that is cause for concern as I don't know why I no longer think of ending it like I used to. I always have hopes I will get out of this situation, but never actually do anything in the end to do so.

    I don't get it ... what is wrong with me? I mean hell even right now after writing this my first thought is ... time to watch some anime and do nothing at all. Maybe I just have given up on life, I really am not sure.

    Well anyway .. that's it ... sorry to anyone who actually read through it all. It's really just a debate with myself when I think about it.

  2. #2

    Default

    Hello Brabbit1987.
    I can't understand how you feel, but I think there is nothing wrong mentally with you (because many people would feel like you, if they had your life).
    And you had one tough life, but you are still fighting (don't give up).
    There is no easy and instant formula that will make you feel great every day, but there are some ways to make your day (and days) nicer (and great).
    My tips are:
    1. try to find a friend or someone to talk to - this can really help a lot
    2. accept yourself and love yourself (start from yourself, believe in yourself - how? --> well look for positive things in your life and all that you have done good)...it is not easy to accept yourself because you have to do this constantly and it is process but I think you are doing it just fine - just try to have more faith in yourself (everyday say to yourself that you can, and that you are great...)
    3. learn to think positive or try to feel positive (do things you like with people you like, or try to smile whenever you can if possible, find things you enjoy)
    4. everybody feels down when people are bad to them - so maybe change bad persons out of your life
    5. have a job (or try finish things and reward yourself when you finish them - like read a book you always wanted and reward yourself after finishing it) and when you don't have energy or motivation, well maybe it is not needed because you are doing something you don't even like doing - so do things you like (there has to be something you like?)
    6. have some physical activity like walking or running (when it is sunny day go to park and walk for 30 minutes and you will feel good just by going outside)
    7. when you feel bad or sad, it is good, what is not good is focusing on that too often and too much (when I feel like too sad or hurt, I go to my room and cry and then I go and do something different or focus myself on good in my life)
    8. there is always good things in your life, you just have to look for them
    9. don't think to much about you and others because people are different and everybody has it's own problems...
    10. make some (realistic) goals in your life but don't be too harsh on yourself in not accomplish all/many of them...go step by step
    And I think you are great!
    In some your thought I found myself and I don't think I would be that strong as you are...
    I think that all you need is just a bit of positive energy and something/someone to push you and a bit of encouragement...

  3. #3
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by tillylenn View Post
    Hello Brabbit1987.
    I can't understand how you feel, but I think there is nothing wrong mentally with you (because many people would feel like you, if they had your life).
    And you had one tough life, but you are still fighting (don't give up).
    There is no easy and instant formula that will make you feel great every day, but there are some ways to make your day (and days) nicer (and great).
    My tips are:
    1. try to find a friend or someone to talk to - this can really help a lot
    2. accept yourself and love yourself (start from yourself, believe in yourself - how? --> well look for positive things in your life and all that you have done good)...it is not easy to accept yourself because you have to do this constantly and it is process but I think you are doing it just fine - just try to have more faith in yourself (everyday say to yourself that you can, and that you are great...)
    3. learn to think positive or try to feel positive (do things you like with people you like, or try to smile whenever you can if possible, find things you enjoy)
    4. everybody feels down when people are bad to them - so maybe change bad persons out of your life
    5. have a job (or try finish things and reward yourself when you finish them - like read a book you always wanted and reward yourself after finishing it) and when you don't have energy or motivation, well maybe it is not needed because you are doing something you don't even like doing - so do things you like (there has to be something you like?)
    6. have some physical activity like walking or running (when it is sunny day go to park and walk for 30 minutes and you will feel good just by going outside)
    7. when you feel bad or sad, it is good, what is not good is focusing on that too often and too much (when I feel like too sad or hurt, I go to my room and cry and then I go and do something different or focus myself on good in my life)
    8. there is always good things in your life, you just have to look for them
    9. don't think to much about you and others because people are different and everybody has it's own problems...
    10. make some (realistic) goals in your life but don't be too harsh on yourself in not accomplish all/many of them...go step by step
    And I think you are great!
    In some your thought I found myself and I don't think I would be that strong as you are...
    I think that all you need is just a bit of positive energy and something/someone to push you and a bit of encouragement...
    Thanks, I will take your advice. There are most certainly things I enjoy, but most of which are not productive type of things. Like watching anime and playing video games XD. I find I do too much of these things and never actually do things I should be doing, which typically comes down to me feeling like it's a waste to even try. I suppose because I feel like it's not that realistic and I will not be able to do it. Just to give an example, I started working on a game, and learning programming. However, I often put it off on the back burner only working on it once in a blue moon because I feel like my goals are maybe too high to start with. The crappy thing is, I know if I didn't stop and just kept at it, I probably could do it. I don't really understand how I can be sure I can do it, but then at times be so sure I can't.

    I suppose it's sort of like how a car can move, but it needs gas to do it. It's like I run out of gas and just stop. Once I stop, it's always hard to start back up because I am in like an endless cycle of believing it's a waste of time, which causes me to not wanna work on it, which probably makes me feel like it's even more a waste. >.> I look around at all the people who accomplish things all the time and wonder how they are capable of just working on these things non stop. I realize they like what they do, but I also like the things that I do ... so it's not that.

    I want to be a better person than I am now, and I actually want to do things that I can be proud of. It's really tough and I hope I can get out of this rut at some point. I know I can be doing what I have been.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post
    Thanks, I will take your advice. There are most certainly things I enjoy, but most of which are not productive type of things. Like watching anime and playing video games XD. I find I do too much of these things and never actually do things I should be doing, which typically comes down to me feeling like it's a waste to even try. I suppose because I feel like it's not that realistic and I will not be able to do it. Just to give an example, I started working on a game, and learning programming. However, I often put it off on the back burner only working on it once in a blue moon because I feel like my goals are maybe too high to start with. The crappy thing is, I know if I didn't stop and just kept at it, I probably could do it. I don't really understand how I can be sure I can do it, but then at times be so sure I can't.

    I suppose it's sort of like how a car can move, but it needs gas to do it. It's like I run out of gas and just stop. Once I stop, it's always hard to start back up because I am in like an endless cycle of believing it's a waste of time, which causes me to not wanna work on it, which probably makes me feel like it's even more a waste. >.> I look around at all the people who accomplish things all the time and wonder how they are capable of just working on these things non stop. I realize they like what they do, but I also like the things that I do ... so it's not that.

    I want to be a better person than I am now, and I actually want to do things that I can be proud of. It's really tough and I hope I can get out of this rut at some point. I know I can be doing what I have been.
    Hello, i would like to say that the entretainment industrie have this bad reputation of not being something productive while in fact it take a lot of work and knowledge to made a single episode of a serie or a game, specially if you are working on your own, i remember reading that pixar studios spend collectiely more than a year working on each frame of any of their movies.

    I guess i could said i can identify whit what you are thinking because i am also interested in games and animes and thought about doing something similar (3d movies like pixar) thougt at the moment i got sideway and had to put a stop to learning it. One advice i could give you is to start small, if you try to made on your own a big complex kind of game, a big rpg whit thousands of hours and the perfect story and other things, chances are it would be too big for you and you would abandone it.

    I know it can be scary, and that sometimes you can belive you arent doing anything, but if its something you enjoy and something interesting for you you should keep doing it, even if you are working slowly

  5. #5

    Default

    Brabbit, I'm certainly no expert on the subject of depression but you sound to me like you're depressed. Depression can incapacitate a person and it can become a downward spiral that they can't get themselves out of. Tillylenn's suggestions are all good and can help ward off depression but you sound to me like you need someone to help you get out of the spiral you're in. Talk to your doctor, he or she should be able to refer you to someone who can help you.

  6. #6

    Default

    I've been close to wear you are when I was in college. I did have a home I could come home to, but I couldn't let show who I was because I knew my parents wouldn't be able to accept the hidden me or even be able to cope with that person. I had some Borderline Personality problems and suffered from depression. I had the same problems you are experiencing. I had no desire to work at a normal job because I didn't want to be with that many people. At the same time, I had to have one dynamic person in my life, boyfriend during that stage of development.

    I spent a good part of my Freshman year sleeping instead of going to classes. I went to the classes I wanted to be in and I did well in my major, but everything else just seemed like unnecessary bullshit. After a lot of drugs and alcohol and getting laid every night, I had a psychotic break towards the end of my senior year.

    Once I crashed, I realized I had to change something, so on graduation, I simply walked away from my life. I left some people, boys my age, who I dearly and desperately loved. After a year of working and failing completely, I left again for another job, something which resulted in my moving 450 miles away from home, and there I found myself. It took time and courage to put myself out there.

    I did have the advantage of having finished college as a church music major, so there always was a job somewhere that allowed me to do my thing. It was never perfect and there was always pressure, some of it ugly because the people you work for are often ugly. But here's the thing: everyone is struggling to survive. All of us are flawed and scared, at least when we're young and trying to learn how to cope with a cold and non caring world. It's not that people don't care about each other, it's that most everyone is just treading water, trying to keep their head above water.

    I recreated my life and I think that's what you are going to have to do. It's painful and that pain never goes away. That's probably why us old fools reminisce about the good old days and like to listen to the music of our youth and see old movies and such. It's a conduit that takes us back to the pain of youth, something that we must ever so often, revisit to remind us as to who were are, not who we once were, because that person never went away. He simply hides waiting to pop up when most unexpected.

    Life is about change, and that change brings growth, if not metamorphosis. You've been living with your ex's family for too long. You will never find yourself until you make plans to support yourself, be on your own and meet someone who will complete who you are. It's not easy, but it's necessary. I think you know I care about you, probably because we share some similar things, and pain is universal.

  7. #7

    Default

    My best advice would be to talk to a therapist about it, since I know I'm not an expert, but it definitely sounds like it could be depression. I just know that it's best to see a doctor about it, and sooner rather than later. I know I had similar feelings of hopelessness, self loathing, etc, that I kept bottled up and quiet about for 3 months since like you said, I didn't want to bother anyone else about it.

    I would say to think positive, focus on self-love, etc, but I'd be a big hypocrite if I tried to tell other people to think positively.

  8. #8
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by KiddyCarol View Post
    Hello, i would like to say that the entretainment industrie have this bad reputation of not being something productive while in fact it take a lot of work and knowledge to made a single episode of a serie or a game, specially if you are working on your own, i remember reading that pixar studios spend collectiely more than a year working on each frame of any of their movies.

    I guess i could said i can identify whit what you are thinking because i am also interested in games and animes and thought about doing something similar (3d movies like pixar) thougt at the moment i got sideway and had to put a stop to learning it. One advice i could give you is to start small, if you try to made on your own a big complex kind of game, a big rpg whit thousands of hours and the perfect story and other things, chances are it would be too big for you and you would abandone it.

    I know it can be scary, and that sometimes you can belive you arent doing anything, but if its something you enjoy and something interesting for you you should keep doing it, even if you are working slowly
    Yes, it can certainly seem like a pretty daunting task when you think about the amount of work it takes to put together something like a game or movie. I often think I should probably start off small, but I don't really believe that is the problem I face in particular. Even smaller projects are likely to go unfinished.

    I find when I am left on my own, to do my own thing ... I don't move forward. However, when I am forced to do it ... I get it done because I don't have a choice. For example, I was part of a trade school called job corps. A very strict school and there are always eyes on you where ever you go. I graduated top of my class in Telecommunications, often the lead on many projects around campus. If there was something to do, I was often the person to do it as I did my job well and enjoyed every second of it. But again, I didn't have a choice. I had to do it. I even got my fiber optic certification.

    However, then when I earn more freedom and am not being watched ... I stop working. I don't know why, but I just do. I just get so sad for some reason, often in deep thought wishing for things that are impossible. I watch anime, and much of it reminds me of everything I don't have and never will have. I believe it mostly always comes back to being transgender. It often hurts just thinking about how others view me everyday of my life. How I am seen as a guy. I could have a crush on someone and they would never know and they would never look at me in that way.

    I know it's not the easiest thing for people to understand typically. But it's like I am living a life that isn't mine. Like I am trapped as someone who I am not.



    Quote Originally Posted by tickles51 View Post
    Brabbit, I'm certainly no expert on the subject of depression but you sound to me like you're depressed. Depression can incapacitate a person and it can become a downward spiral that they can't get themselves out of. Tillylenn's suggestions are all good and can help ward off depression but you sound to me like you need someone to help you get out of the spiral you're in. Talk to your doctor, he or she should be able to refer you to someone who can help you.
    I honestly wish I could. I don't have a doctor and I don't have the capabilities to see a therapist, other wise I would be. I know there is a problem that needs fixing, but I don't know how to fix it. Due to my lack of family support, I have never even really gotten the opportunity to do anything with my life or try to help myself. Parents rarely took me to a doctor, let alone a dentist. Quite frankly my life has been pretty difficult because of my family, or should say lack of a family.

    I could be on the street tomorrow, and all my Mom would say is she doesn't know what to do. She would tell me how her husband wouldn't let me live there. It's always been like that with her and her husbands. They always have come first, even though she claims she is all about family. I often at time wish I had my Mom back ... but that is long past. She no longer looks at me like I am her kid. Anything I could have done, I missed my chance and screwed things up somewhere.



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I've been close to wear you are when I was in college. I did have a home I could come home to, but I couldn't let show who I was because I knew my parents wouldn't be able to accept the hidden me or even be able to cope with that person. I had some Borderline Personality problems and suffered from depression. I had the same problems you are experiencing. I had no desire to work at a normal job because I didn't want to be with that many people. At the same time, I had to have one dynamic person in my life, boyfriend during that stage of development.

    I spent a good part of my Freshman year sleeping instead of going to classes. I went to the classes I wanted to be in and I did well in my major, but everything else just seemed like unnecessary bullshit. After a lot of drugs and alcohol and getting laid every night, I had a psychotic break towards the end of my senior year.

    Once I crashed, I realized I had to change something, so on graduation, I simply walked away from my life. I left some people, boys my age, who I dearly and desperately loved. After a year of working and failing completely, I left again for another job, something which resulted in my moving 450 miles away from home, and there I found myself. It took time and courage to put myself out there.

    I did have the advantage of having finished college as a church music major, so there always was a job somewhere that allowed me to do my thing. It was never perfect and there was always pressure, some of it ugly because the people you work for are often ugly. But here's the thing: everyone is struggling to survive. All of us are flawed and scared, at least when we're young and trying to learn how to cope with a cold and non caring world. It's not that people don't care about each other, it's that most everyone is just treading water, trying to keep their head above water.

    I recreated my life and I think that's what you are going to have to do. It's painful and that pain never goes away. That's probably why us old fools reminisce about the good old days and like to listen to the music of our youth and see old movies and such. It's a conduit that takes us back to the pain of youth, something that we must ever so often, revisit to remind us as to who were are, not who we once were, because that person never went away. He simply hides waiting to pop up when most unexpected.

    Life is about change, and that change brings growth, if not metamorphosis. You've been living with your ex's family for too long. You will never find yourself until you make plans to support yourself, be on your own and meet someone who will complete who you are. It's not easy, but it's necessary. I think you know I care about you, probably because we share some similar things, and pain is universal.
    Yes, I have actually done what you have done several times now. Moved away from my family to do my own thing and it always seems to work for a bit. But it's like I am being looked down upon being kicked into a whole repeatably. Every time I try to escape, someone comes by and kicks me back in. I once had a major break down when my Dad was in the hospital close to death. I really had planned to kill myself. I was absolutely miserable because I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life. Back then, I even wanted to believe in a god ... preying for help. An answer on what I should do.

    I couldn't understand why I was the way I was. I didn't even know I was transgender at the time, I just knew I felt I should be a girl. I often lied to people online saying I was a girl and I couldn't understand why I did this. I couldn't understand why I fell in love so deeply with some guys. I couldn't figure out why I was so different. I couldn't figure out why I was wetting the bed, or why I would even think about doing it on purpose. All I could think about is how I must be crazy and I should just die. I was just a big disappointment that no one wanted. I honestly wanted someone to notice in how much pain I was in.

    It took my family to break into the house to drag me out and all I could do was cry on the ground in agony. My mom would act like she was helping but would never take any of the burden and just put me off onto other family members. It honestly makes me cry just writing this out and thinking about it.

    I am honestly too scared to try anything again. I have tried so much and nothing ever seems to work. I don't want to move out only to end up in a worse situation. I am actually somewhat comfortable here and they treat me nice, almost like family. I know I can't stay here though and I hate that this didn't work out, just like how everything else never seems to.

    I honestly hate my life so much, it's rarely filled with any sort of happiness. The most I tend to get is scraps just to tease me into believing things could actually be better. I am such a loser at life, can't seem to do anything right. I don't even know how to express my emotions all that well anymore. I am always too scared to talk about my problem. Talk to those around me. I am so overly shy about stupid crap and never can say what is on my mind.

    I never really wanted much from life. I would be happy with just the bare minimums, if it just meant having a stable peaceful life. I wouldn't even mind being alone forever and it's probably better that way anyway.

    It's gotten to the point where no matter what I do now, I always assume it's going to end bad. I knew my ex was going to break up with me eventually. I was so worried I was not a girl in his eyes. So worried I could not fulfill any sort of love or interaction he wanted. When he told me he needed to talk to me, my heart sunk and I knew it already. But then listening to those words "I no longer love you" ... all I could do was crawl up in a ball in the shower. I knew it was going to happen but it still hurt so much. Now I am stuck here. A worthless human being mooching off of another family because I seem so incapable of taking care of myself. I don't belong here and often feel so out of place.



    Quote Originally Posted by Gsmax View Post
    My best advice would be to talk to a therapist about it, since I know I'm not an expert, but it definitely sounds like it could be depression. I just know that it's best to see a doctor about it, and sooner rather than later. I know I had similar feelings of hopelessness, self loathing, etc, that I kept bottled up and quiet about for 3 months since like you said, I didn't want to bother anyone else about it.

    I would say to think positive, focus on self-love, etc, but I'd be a big hypocrite if I tried to tell other people to think positively.
    Well, depression is really common with transgender and I know I do have depression. But there isn't anyone I can see. I literally am broke. Unable to get a job because I am stuck here in a country I can't legally work. Heck, legally I have over stayed my welcome, but what else am I suppose to do? Where am I suppose to go?

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post

    Yes, I have actually done what you have done several times now. Moved away from my family to do my own thing and it always seems to work for a bit. But it's like I am being looked down upon being kicked into a whole repeatably. Every time I try to escape, someone comes by and kicks me back in. I once had a major break down when my Dad was in the hospital close to death. I really had planned to kill myself. I was absolutely miserable because I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life. Back then, I even wanted to believe in a god ... preying for help. An answer on what I should do.

    I couldn't understand why I was the way I was. I didn't even know I was transgender at the time, I just knew I felt I should be a girl. I often lied to people online saying I was a girl and I couldn't understand why I did this. I couldn't understand why I fell in love so deeply with some guys. I couldn't figure out why I was so different. I couldn't figure out why I was wetting the bed, or why I would even think about doing it on purpose. All I could think about is how I must be crazy and I should just die. I was just a big disappointment that no one wanted. I honestly wanted someone to notice in how much pain I was in.

    It took my family to break into the house to drag me out and all I could do was cry on the ground in agony. My mom would act like she was helping but would never take any of the burden and just put me off onto other family members. It honestly makes me cry just writing this out and thinking about it.

    I am honestly too scared to try anything again. I have tried so much and nothing ever seems to work. I don't want to move out only to end up in a worse situation. I am actually somewhat comfortable here and they treat me nice, almost like family. I know I can't stay here though and I hate that this didn't work out, just like how everything else never seems to.

    I honestly hate my life so much, it's rarely filled with any sort of happiness. The most I tend to get is scraps just to tease me into believing things could actually be better. I am such a loser at life, can't seem to do anything right. I don't even know how to express my emotions all that well anymore. I am always too scared to talk about my problem. Talk to those around me. I am so overly shy about stupid crap and never can say what is on my mind.

    I never really wanted much from life. I would be happy with just the bare minimums, if it just meant having a stable peaceful life. I wouldn't even mind being alone forever and it's probably better that way anyway.

    It's gotten to the point where no matter what I do now, I always assume it's going to end bad. I knew my ex was going to break up with me eventually. I was so worried I was not a girl in his eyes. So worried I could not fulfill any sort of love or interaction he wanted. When he told me he needed to talk to me, my heart sunk and I knew it already. But then listening to those words "I no longer love you" ... all I could do was crawl up in a ball in the shower. I knew it was going to happen but it still hurt so much. Now I am stuck here. A worthless human being mooching off of another family because I seem so incapable of taking care of myself. I don't belong here and often feel so out of place.
    You have really touched me with this, and I worry for you. I know where you've been. I think I told you, certainly this group, that one momentous day in my senior year at college, when I went home to have dinner with my mom and dad. They had invited company, and right before dinner with us all seated at the table, I started crying and I couldn't stop. I went back to school, and while I was gone, my mom searched my bedroom finding both diapers and gay porn. She sent me to see a psychiatrist as I was having a psychotic break, apparently. At least that's what they told me.

    I think you need help but I'm not sure who and where that should come. You're smart, talented, and you deserve better, but being a good person doesn't always reap the rewards others seem to get and take for granted. In my case, my wife saved me. As you know, I am a person of faith and so I think something led me to her and she to me. Maybe it was just the luck of fortuitous circumstances, and that's something you need right now.

    Rome wasn't built in a day so on one level, take one day at a time and don't panic. At the same time, try to figure a way in which you can work toward some meaningful goals. You've got a friend in me and many others here on this site. Just imagine our love and energy going out to you to help you through the days. Keep your eyes open and don't give up. Something and someone will come along. Life can be weird that way.

  10. #10
    MarchinBunny

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    You have really touched me with this, and I worry for you. I know where you've been. I think I told you, certainly this group, that one momentous day in my senior year at college, when I went home to have dinner with my mom and dad. They had invited company, and right before dinner with us all seated at the table, I started crying and I couldn't stop. I went back to school, and while I was gone, my mom searched my bedroom finding both diapers and gay porn. She sent me to see a psychiatrist as I was having a psychotic break, apparently. At least that's what they told me.

    I think you need help but I'm not sure who and where that should come. You're smart, talented, and you deserve better, but being a good person doesn't always reap the rewards others seem to get and take for granted. In my case, my wife saved me. As you know, I am a person of faith and so I think something led me to her and she to me. Maybe it was just the luck of fortuitous circumstances, and that's something you need right now.

    Rome wasn't built in a day so on one level, take one day at a time and don't panic. At the same time, try to figure a way in which you can work toward some meaningful goals. You've got a friend in me and many others here on this site. Just imagine our love and energy going out to you to help you through the days. Keep your eyes open and don't give up. Something and someone will come along. Life can be weird that way.
    I am not actually particularly in panic. But I do know I am horribly stuck and pretty fearful of what will come next. I mean ... I have a pretty good life here where I am at ... but as long as I stay here I cannot move forward. So by trying to move forward I could put myself in a position worse than what I am in right now.

    More than anything all I want is a somewhat stable life. I don't mind a little bit of trouble now and again, as long as things are stable. There are many other things that depress me, like being transgender or whether or not I will ever find love again ... but I can't help those issues without a stable life first. I think falling in love at this point is a mistake. I look like a guy on the outside, and so anyone who is interested in me, likely is gay. It honestly shouldn't have been a surprise to me ... that my ex is gay >.>.

    I really do wish there was someone in my life that I could rely on though. I appreciate all the feedback I have been getting from you dogboy. Thank you.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.