Socially transitioned; changed mind on wanting to transition fully; what to do

[Catt]

Long story short; i don't see a need to alter my body because of a mental state and should just find outlets, how do I desocial transition? My parnts JUST started calling my old preferred name

 

[Sapphyre]

This is a tricky one. You wanted to transition but now do not? It's important, if you are having second thoughts about it, to hold off on going through with it. Real transition is permanent. You have to look inside yourself and find out what it is you truly want. Since you identify as a "Sissy / LG", perhaps for you it is only a sometimes kind of thing? That's very different from being transgendered. And has to be approached differently. Obviously, I don't know you well and can't say what is right for you. but if you don't want to be a woman full-time, than TG is probably not the right answer.

 

[kerry]

I agree with the others: this is a sensitive matter.

You don't provide a lot of detail here (well, much of any, really), so it's impossible to tell how to advise you with any sense of assuredness. So let me just make these comments, based on a few assumptions:

You're 19, so I'm guessing you socially transitioned either in high school or just after? You probably had been feeling feminine for a long time and maybe had friends who were TG or you watched youtube videos and it seemed right? Why not? Makes sense. At that age, you'd be likely to have lots of friends who would be very supportive of such a change in your life. And you've been in that transition long enough at this point for your parents to begin using your preferred name: often a huge leap for parents to take. Now, though, after however long it has been, you've begun to realize that you were wrong: you are not a girl/woman at all. You're a boy/man who just likes girly things sometimes.

Am I in the right place here?

This is all very different from someone (like me) who persistently from an early age understood from deep within that she was female no matter what her outer body broadcast to the world. It never mattered how I looked or acted; even in all of the years I desperately hid myself from the world and pretended to be what I was not, I still knew at all times the truth of my self, and there was never a second of doubt. You sound as if you were/have been rather in flux, in search of something, looking for an identity, an understanding of yourself that you have never been clearly certain of. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong would be letting yourself get stuck with an errant early decision you made while trying to find that self you were seeking.

Talk to your parents. Believe me, they are mourning their little boy and, though they are trying hard to accept their new daughter, would love to have their son back. Explain to them that it was not a "phase," but an honest attempt to figure yourself out. Tell them the whole truth. Maybe not the LG part, but certainly the feminine part. (Why not? Being a cross-dresser is a lot easier to understand than being TG, and it will explain why you were mistaken. Most important, though, tell them that you really appreciate their support when you transitioned--how much it meant--and you're sorry for the pain it must have caused them. And assure them that you're not going to be bouncing back and forth: you're a guy, even though you might like to indulge your feminine side at times.

When you talk to your friends, tell them the same basic thing. My guess is that they will be on your side.

This is the best I can do without more specific knowledge of your life. I base it on my own TG life and my experience as the mother of an FTM son. I hope it helps.

 

[Bailedacademic]

I think Kerry has a lot of great points. That said, I would recommend talking to a therapist with knowledge of TG issues a couple times BEFORE you talk to your parents/friends. I'm not saying that you aren't correct in your desire to detransition, but you likely jumped through a lot of hoops to get where you are. It would really suck to tell your whole family and friends that you are detransitioning, detransition, and then a few months later realize that you have made a mistake. If that happens, you will have to re-transition with all your friends and family likely doubting you. If you are on HRT stop immediately, but make sure that you are a 100% sure about need to detransition before talking to friends/family (this is why I recommend discussing it with mental health specialists).

You may also consider looking into non-binary communities and identities. Though I personally still identify as a Trans gal, a great deal of my friends are NB. Likewise, you may still be a Trans gal who simply doesn't feel the need to medically transition; that doesn't make you any less of a trans woman, assuming you are comfortable still presenting as a woman 100% of the time. Lastly, you may be in a similar position as I am: I care deeply about the medical side and my body confidence has greatly improved through HRT, but generally have a butch/tomboy aesthetic 60% of the time. Likewise, like most cis women I know, the only makeup I wear is eyeliner and maybe some lipstick. I don't know how many times I've heard "I feel like I am a woman, but I hate being girly all the time." This is silly, a significant portion of cis women feel comfortable in their gender identity, but don't like being girly. Likewise, you can be a trans woman that doesn't feel like being super femme through normal life, but likes to come home and go into super femme LG mode. At the end of the day, YOU are the one in charge of what it means to be X gender identity. If that means not medically transitioning, not dressing super femme all the time, detransitioning completely, or even deciding that you may be NB, then more power to you.

Again though, I highly recommend discussing this with a mental health specialist with experience in these matters.

 

[MotherFaith]

Long story short;...

Can we have the long story? Only if you feel up to it of course, but having more information could help us help you. Hugs anyway for your situation. x

I agree with the others: this is a sensitive matter.
Talk to your parents. Believe me, they are mourning their little boy and, though they are trying hard to accept their new daughter, would love to have their son back. Explain to them that it was not a "phase," but an honest attempt to figure yourself out. Tell them the whole truth. Maybe not the LG part, but certainly the feminine part. (Why not? Being a cross-dresser is a lot easier to understand than being TG, and it will explain why you were mistaken. Most important, though, tell them that you really appreciate their support when you transitioned--how much it meant--and you're sorry for the pain it must have caused them. And assure them that you're not going to be bouncing back and forth: you're a guy, even though you might like to indulge your feminine side at times.

This is excellent advice if you do actually decide to undo your transition.

You may also consider looking into non-binary communities and identities....Again though, I highly recommend discussing this with a mental health specialist with experience in these matters.

I think with the limited info we have this is the best advice. See a specialist, think things through and do not undo all the hard work you have put in so far unless you have definitely changed your mind. Having someone to open up to, who has no agenda, will allow you to explore exactly what is happening on the inside and will enable you to ask the right questions of yourself.

I just wanted to add some points that have not already been covered. In regards to the non-binary or gender queer discussion, I know a person that identifies this way as well. They spend half their week in boy mode and the other half in girl mode. They have two work passes and a very gender neutral name to make it easy for others. They get to pick and choose how they present to the world depending on their mood that morning. It allows them to express their whole self without being constricted by gender norms. I have trouble understanding it myself as I identify as a woman but it does make sense when you see their life in action, so to speak. This may be a solution for you at the moment if you are feeling confused or still working out your place in society. Being gender-queer may allow you to try out all your sides without undoing everything.

You are still young and have time on your side. I have seen many younger TG folk stop their transition to have a breather or acclimatise to the changes they have made before moving on with the next big step. Life is a journey, even when in the middle of transition. You know yourself better than anyone, you have the control in this situation. I hope you can give us more information but it may be that you simply need time to build confidence and spirituality. Transition is more about the inside than the outside, you must take time to adjust and reflect on the changes that are happening. Many people start transition thinking about how the world sees them but before long they realise it is about how you see yourself. Take time away from society and look inward, ask yourself those difficult questions. Do not just jump for the easiest answer as it may not be the happiest.

It is okay to have doubts and whatever you decide, do it for you, not for your fears or because others want you to. Best of luck.

 

[MarchinBunny]

Long story short; i don't see a need to alter my body because of a mental state and should just find outlets, how do I desocial transition? My parnts JUST started calling my old preferred name

The truth of the matter is, one solution doesn't always fit all. It's why many transgender individuals tend to be comfortable at different points in the transition and may be happy without any physical changes while some may need to go all the way.

I think it's important to ask yourself, why did you change your mind and does the reason come from you or does it come from somewhere else. It's important to differentiate the reason. If the reason has anything to do with others or outside influences, then it might not be what is best for you. Very often than not, sometimes are decisions we make are based on outside factors, where if those factors did not exist we would have made an entirely different choice for ourselves. Sorry, if I am not explaining myself well, but let me see if I can give an example.

Let's say I decide not to transition and the reason is because I think it would be easier to deal with socializng and would cause less confrontation. This is a decision that would be based on outside factors. It might not be the best decisions because it may not actually be what you want. A good decision comes from you, for example, I decide not to transition because I like the way I am now and am happy. It's not based on others, it's only based on yourself.

That isn't to say outside factors can not be considered, but it's important you do what is best for yourself, first and foremost.

Besides that, I think it would be nice to have the long explanation because it's really difficult to offer any more advice that this. I think the only piece of other advice I can give is to make sure you are not going through this alone. Make sure you are speaking to a professional on the matter. A therapist who deals in transgender issues very often. They can probably help you much better than anyone here, as each persons transition is specific to them and again, what works for one ... might not for another. I wish you luck and success though in what you are looking to achieve. =^.^=

 

[kerry]

I so much agree with the advice to seek a professional. I meant to include that in my own post; sorry I did not.

I would like to mention that my post took yours at face value: my assumption was that, after serious consideration, you have come to a real understanding of your true nature. If, however, you are still at all unsure, there are many alternatives. I know lots of genderqueer people; my FtM son was married to one (who sadly died a few years ago); many of my former students identify that way. Nonbinary is a completely legitimate option. Don't feel that you are stuck in a "one way or the other" world...

 

[kerry]

I can't see how I might improve on pretty much any of these comments thus far... My rather succinct reply is... male or female or, any variation thereof; be who you are...

You might feel that you've 'jumped the gun' on this social-transition yet, I can't see that you'd probably do any better to roll-back to 'point-A' (as though nothing ever happened) at this time either...

Finding that middle ground and, getting acceptance for that - may be more difficult in some ways yet, I think that it better accommodates your entire person better too...

It is, your life that you're living... it is your onus, to be who and what you genuinely are - at any given point...

We have personal anecdotal and experiential ideas and expressions yet, those are what we've individually come to terms with... Many of 'us', are a work-in-progress. Perhaps, it is most likely, that if any of us are doing it right; we are always and, all of us, a work-in-progress... subject to change as we see fit without, permission or apology... *consideration of others to our various transitions, is always good yet, not always required*

Ultimately (IMMHO) you must find your own way in this... there are no 'set' rules... you are on your own yet, certainly not alone!

A 48-year old, non-HRT, non-Op, quasi MtF TG...

My best regards to you all,
-Marka

Marka:

As always, you rock.