@Electrically, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. That sucks. I've read over your posts in this thread, and the other one about anger, and it just makes me sad.
(be warned...this is long)
I'm no therapist, and by no means an expert, but it seems to me like you might need to deescalate the situation a bit before the lines of communication will open up. You might consider trying something like the following:
1) Pack up your ABDL stuff, and keep it out of sight for a while. It's entirely possible that every time she sees it, it pisses her off, for whatever reason you don't know yet. Every time she walks past it to put something away, she may see it, and go "That little m)(*#&)$(@*". She may even think you have it out there for the express purpose of goading her. While I'm sure that's not truly your intention, she may not see it that way.
Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't say anything about doing it. Just some time when she's not around, put it all out of sight. Don't purge.
2) Stop wearing for a while when she's around. Same reasons as above. She may think every time you diaper up, you're screwing with her or trying to provoke her. If you wear when she's not there, dispose of your used diapers discretely, out of sight.
3) See if that lowers the temperature a bit. If so, then you try to have a rational conversation about it.
If it were me, I'd try to book some time away outside of your usual environment. Slip off to a weekend getaway at a cabin or something, just the two of you, if you can do it. Get her away from the pressures of dealing with home...laundry, kids, housework, etc. That stuff stresses my wife out, and it's hard to really get her to relax when all that pressure and need to "get things done" is waiting just on the other side of the bedroom door. Don't take a single ABDL thing with you. Just spend time with her and be in the moment. Tell her you're taking her on a surprise get away to spend some one-on-one time with her. Tell her to bring some books, some movies, and some wine. Discretely bring her favorite vibe or toy if that helps her get off, in case you get some romance time.
Once you're there, get settled in, and just have some time to watch a movie, eat some dinner, etc. I wouldn't even bring it up the first night. Just be with each other. The next day, after coffee and breakfast, tell her that at some point before you leave, you want to talk about things that have been going on, and that you want to hear her concerns. Tell her it doesn't have to be that moment, but that before you leave to go back home, you want to have some time undisturbed to listen to her and be able to really hear her, and that you're really worried about the "us" in your relationship. Tell her you love her, and that you want to make things better, and grow your relationship even further and deeper, and that you need to hear what's really going on with her to be able to help do that.
Based on what you've posted in this thread and the other one, it seems like there must be something deeper causing this strong negative reaction to this. Perhaps she has some strong misconceptions about what your interest in this means. Maybe she thinks it means you're into little kids, or that it indicates an Oedipus complex of some type or something. There are a LOT of misunderstandings about the ABDL community, as I'm sure you know. Perhaps she's fabricated a problem that doesn't exist through her own ignorance or misunderstanding. Maybe something bad happened to her when she was little, and it's causing that to rear its head. Who knows...maybe she had a issue with ABDL popping up in an earlier relationship that damaged her. Maybe she's just so overwhelmed with parenting right now, that the thought of having to take on another someone who is totally dependent on her is pushing her to point of insanity. I know my wife has felt that way at points.
I will say that shortly after my wife gave birth to our first child, she told me "I'll never put you in another diaper again. It's just way too weird now." While she's backed off that stance a bit in the intervening 15 years, I still think it's a bit outside of her comfort zone. She indulges me occasionally, but I KNOW it's not her favorite thing in the world. Perhaps your wife has a similar feeling. Mine doesn't understand why I'd want to wear a diaper, much less use one. It's just so foreign to her that she doesn't understand it.
I think you really need to try to get at the root causes of her extreme adverse reaction. I'm guessing there is one.
I would suggest that you do a whole lot of listening, and not a whole lot of talking, at least at first. Let her dump everything that is on her chest about it off and download it to you. Be prepared for it to go way beyond just the diapers. My guess is she's carrying some pent-up frustation about other things, and that it may be hard for you to hear. Fight the urge to inject or interrupt. Fight the urge to get defensive or angry or try to rebut what's she saying as she's saying it. There will be time for that after she's done downloading. Sit there and listen. Ask leading questions or make comments that cause her to talk more.
This next step is critical, in my opinion. Once she's done, you need to tell her that you understand her concerns and thank her for being honest and open with you. You need to get across to her that you WANT to know her concerns and opinions, and that you value them. You may not agree with them, you may think they aren't a big deal, you might find she's mistaken about a lot of things, and/or you may think she's lost her damn mind, but whatever you may think about them, they ARE important to her, and she needs to feel like she's at least being heard and that you're taking her concerns/fears/wants/needs/desires seriously.
Then, after she's done, you can slowly and gently correct any outright inaccuracies, and present your side. I would do it in a non-confrontation and non-accusative way. Try to avoid statements that will put her on the defensive. Rather than "I'm sick of you being a bitch all the time about this" go with "I feel like we've been disconnected lately, and we don't laugh and have fun like we used to. What can we do together to bring back the fun and the laughter?"
Instead of, "I'm sick of you being a uptight frigid bitch...a squirrel needs to get his nut, ya hear?", go with something like, "Things have been awfully tense lately, and it seems to be affecting our romantic time together. Is there something that I could do to help lower your stress level and make you feel more in the mood? What really gets you excited, and can we give it a try sometime soon? Maybe tonight? Is there something you've always wanted to do but never have that we could try?"
As someone indicated in another response to you, this may have affected her opinion of your masculinity or what she expects from a husband. That's pretty common in this lifestyle, unfortunately. You may have to tell her, and then show her, that you're still big enough of a man that at a moments notice, you can rip off your diaper, give yourself a quick wipedown, flip her over, and take her doggy style while pulling her hair, slapping her ass, and calling her a dirty little slut (if that's what she wants and is what turns her on) or whatever.
If she's like most non-ABDL/non-kinky wives out there, it is extremely possible that she's worried about/thinking one or more of the following, probably at the same time:
1) Do I still even have a husband?
2) Does this mean that he doesn't find me sexy anymore and has to have this instead?
3) What happens if our kids find out?
4) What happens if our friends find out?
5) What happens if his job finds out?
6) What happens if our church finds out?
7) F*(@!...someone else to have to take care of around here!
8) Ewww...he wants me to touch a pissy diaper! That's gross.
9) Double ewwww...he wants to poop his diaper...and I'm going to have to clean it up!
10) God...it's every night now. If this were just once or twice a week, I could deal, but now it's all the time! This is just too ___-ing much!
11) F*(@!, I've been dropping hints for months that I want him to dom me, and now I get this. What a disappointment! I need my leather daddy!
12) WTF? Why would anyone want to piss or $#!t themselves! Ewww...
13) Why am I not enough for him? Why does he need this? What is wrong with me?
14) He hasn't asked me a single time if there's something I'd like to try in the bedroom.
15) F*(@! Some days I just want my husband.
16) We're trying to save for ____ and he's spending all this money on this baby stuff.
17) His wants me to be his mommy and then have sex with me...ewww...ergo, he wants to F*(@! his mommy. That's gross and evil!
18) Is he a pedophile? Is he into kids?
19) With all these risks, why is he being so selfish, and putting our family at risk?
20) He's spending all this time looking at ABDL porn on the 'net and jerking off in his diapers, and isn't paying enough/any attention to me and my needs.
Any one of those would be bad enough. Get a bunch of them going at once, and her mental state could get bad in a hurry on this topic.
I think realistically, in the short term, you need to hope to get to the point where you can communicate honestly about it, and to the point where you can be your baby self when she's not around, without her twisting off about it. If you can get to that point, at least you're both getting something you want and need. You can possibly build from that, slowly, over time, if you find her resistance is deep seated for some reason. You may have to make do with being baby when you send her off to a spa weekend somewhere.
I get to diaper up for any significant length of time only a couple of times a year. Between having teens in the house, all of their activities, being two career people whose jobs often carry over into the evenings, and a wife that's not really into it but who is willing to let me indulge myself occasionally, and a sex life best described as "rare and endangered" especially now due to covid and quarantining, I've learned to cope and have realistic expectations. Would I love to have her greet me at the door every single day wearing a black pencil skirt, white satin blouse, stockings, heels, holding a diaper and one hand and a paddle and paci in the other, and have her keep me diapered 12/7/365? Sure. Would I love for her to by my dommy-mommy all the time? Sure. Are either of those a realistic expectation with where we are in life and in our relationship? No, not really. Maybe you wearing every night to bed is just too much for her.
I don't know how you approach your kinks. My mind tends to be compartmentalized. While I love wearing panties and diapers, and would love to be a full time sissy baby, I can set that part of me aside when I need to, which is most of the time. While I think about it a lot, it's only a part of who I am. It's not all of me. If it's the same with you and your ABDL desires, you might need to make sure she understands that. You need to make her understand that you are, and will always be, first and foremost, a good husband, a good father, a good provider, a good attendee at your kids activities, a good member of your religious congregation, etc. She needs to understand that you're not wanting to completely change your lifestyle and subject your family to public ridicule. She also needs to know that you want her, and need her, and don't want to be without her. She needs to understand that this is just one little piece of who you are, not the only or overriding piece.
Somehow, you've got to strike a balance between what you need and what she needs from your relationship, so that both parties are feeling fulfilled. That's extremely difficult to do if the lines of communication are down. Getting those reopened should be your very first priority. The kinky stuff may have to wait.
accepting of my kinks, just doing whatever I want and having fun with myself!
