Mental Health, isolation, depression, I don't know what to do.

[972T]

WARNING: This is just me venting out and trying to explain my sittuation out of desesperated seek for understanding of some sort. Is very centered about me, so if it wasn't what you were looking for. Just don't waste your time and look for something more interesting somewhere else.
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For the last 3 weeks I've been struggling hard with myself. I read a story and from it realize I want more from life than what I've use to tell myself.
That made me realize I actually want to embrace parts of me that I tend to ignore and shame. Parts like my depression, my fears, my shames, my desires on abdl.
Having always repressed this sides of me, I'm unable to understand what I'm supposed to do.

I want to open up. To be able to accept it, but I can't. One of my inner voices keeps shaming me. That I shouldn't get close to people. That I'll only get hurt. That letting my child side is ridiculous. That my desire of belonging somewhere, being love, have a truth connection with others, that all that is nothing but a temporary desire that will fade and come back next month, but surely can be ignore.

I want to have friends who I can really connect with. I want to find love. I want to feel I belong somewhere. I want to connect. I want to live... But I can't.
My mind is split about this. I'm multiple people at once. And the one who wants the isolation and shames me for my weakness is the strongest of the bunch.
I'm trying to look for help. Start going to a psychoterapist or something, but I don't feel that's enought. Because after all there's my little side that I can't accept and I can't talk about with anyone.

I have mental disorders. I don't know which ones anymore. Borderline Personality Disorder from what I've seen is a almost certain. Can't confirm.
Depression is an awful positive. Don't need someone to test me on that. I definitively suffer it.
There's been some Autism Spectrum Disorder mentioned here and there, but I don't know for sure.
Some Obsesive Compulsive Disorder.

When I was a kid I was kind of asocial. When I was 12 the depression start to set in. I isolated myself even more. I actually stopped going to school, not even home school.
Pretty much I stayed home without any actual school or anything at all since 12 until I became 18 and left my home country.
So is no surprise I'm socially ackward. That I actually don't try to interact with others. I'm not use to and is not the norm for me. I lived in my own world for years and now I feel more alone than ever. I've never actually belong anywhere and if it was only that it wouldn't be a problem, but stories, movies, series, books, anime, manga, comics, videogames, all that shows you the world from someone elses perspective.
That's how I saw the world. That's with what I grow up with exclusively. And that's were my desires of belonging comes from.

I've always feel no one cares and so far I haven't seen anything that proves otherwise. People live their own lives in their own corner of the world. With the people they know and care for. Those outside that corner they don't really care. They might eventually make them be part of their little corner, but for the most part no one really cares for an unknown nobody.
I have no experience getting myself be known. I don't know how to start a relation of any kind. I feel the need of social interaction like anyone but because I'm so use to not actually seek for interaction with others I just don't. Even when I want to. I don't.
I overthink everything because after so many years of lonely contemplation there's really nothing else you can do. So before I even considerate opening my mouth I already found 10 reasons why is stupid to even said hi. To even try to interact with someone. So I don't.

One of the worst side effects of having live isolated is how self-centered and needy I am. I actually only found out about this a week ago. Someone I randomly decided to chat with told me so. It hurt, because is so true.
I do care for others but I'm unknown to how to prove it. I don't know how to even do small talk. I can only talk about something specific and usually that burns me out because of how not use to I am to talking with people.
I don't really know people very well. There's my family and I know the basic but there's so much to people that takes much more effort to actually understand and I'm so inexperienced to people that I don't really know those around me.
To begin with I avoid interacting with them for the most part. And when I am with my family I don't really talk. If I try is a subject no ones really into and because their in their own conversation I just shut up and stayed quiet.
With kids is easier. They just play and I play with them. But even that tires me out. Not so much physically as it does socially. Because I'm just not use to it.

If I talk it usually is about me. I've had an online friend for years and we talk about video games and anime but when it was personal it was really ackward. I usually just stopped talking. And sometimes when I actually went along I couldn't understand what he meant. And because I could just run away anytime I did it a lot.
Running away is very common for me. Instead of encountering something hard I just run away.
There's been people that had tried to get close to me but I subconsciously scare them away or simple dissapear. Even if at one point I wanted to actually get close to them there's a part of my brain that literally forces me scare them of and/or run away.
I've wished to have a best friend all my life. Yet because my mind build itself during all those years of loneliness towars isolation, it forces me to always seek for isolation no matter what. It always finds a way of making me go back to being alone.
Be it either by scaring me of. By making me feel I'm not worth it. By justifying the reasons. By distracting me. By creating imposible goals that knows I'll fall into just to realize they were impossible and nothing more than a excuse to make me avoid whatever it was that I was avoiding without even realizing.

My dream is to find a daddy and feel that beautiful love I read in stories. That strong connection that is more than just lovers or friends.
To have friends whom I can actually connect with. That I can actually see for who they are and not for what they can provide me or what I want to believe they are.
To live my everyday life feeling that every day is worth living. That everything I do is not a waste of time.
To be loved. To love. To belong. To be happy and sad and all emotions that come with being alive.
Because after all these years of isolation I don't know if I'm even alive. Reality itself feels so unreal. When I accidentally touch someone for whatever reason I can't feel a thing. Like their just an ilussion. I don't feel the warmth that many describe in stories and stuff. When I speak with someone I don't feel they can actually listen to anything I say. When I'm outside and see the sky and the trees they feel fake. That they're not really there.
I feel I'm trapped in a dream or nightmare. Unable to know what real life feels like. If I'm not seeing life through someone elses eyes then life itself doesn't feel real to me. (by that I mean, seeing things through a story, movie, book, etc.)

To stopped me from saying more.
If you're wondering what's the point of all this nonesense. I don't know. A cry for help. Me trying to vent out. Trying to see if anything can change despite knowing that's just unrealistic. Maybe I just want to hear the cliche answers I would normally expect or seeing that no one answers at all. Maybe is all to satisfy my inner voice with satisfaction, because know one cares just like it says, because no one listens, because the voice is right and I shouldn't fight it anymore and just exist in a state that I can't really call living. A state of disconection from others. Only able to see or feel throught out the perspective of others.

Whatever. You're really dumb if you really read all that. Pretty depressive and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Despite how much I wish there was someone who could. My destined one who comes and saves me from being dead in life. Whatever.

 

[dogboy]

Sometimes things get so bad that we can't dig ourselves out of the hole we find ourselves in. When that happens, we need to find someone who can help us. I was in that place after my wife died. I lived with all the grief and depression for a year, thinking that the passage of time would make a difference, but it didn't. I was tired of the depression, the loneliness and mostly, always being sad. I found it very difficult to initiate anything that was a new activity. I reached out to my daughter and she found where I could go that was covered by my hospitalization which was our local psychiatric hospital.

I found a very good counselor who I was able to click with. He made me realize that it was okay to grieve and more importantly, to be sad. We've talked about accepting grief but also how to get back into the world. I don't think my situation is anywhere near as severe as yours which means that you really should seek some sort of psychiatric help.

From what you've described, it does sound like you fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I don't know what you immediate family is like, but I would spend some time with them if I was you. It will help alleviate some of the loneliness, even if you don't talk to them a lot. You can always listen to what they are saying and nod your head a few times.

I hate being alone in my house but that's how I now spend most of my time. I try to stay busy with a number of activities. Sometimes I get out and ride my bike. Sometimes I go for a walk. I practice piano and clean the house. This winter I took a creative writing course which got me out of the house and with others. I can't say that I'm happy but at least I'm not always thinking about ending my life. I now can laugh when I'm out with friends and I socialize a little bit more. It takes time and a lot of deliberate effort, something I'm still working on.

I hope this helps a little. Life is never easy and even the people you see who seem happy, may not be all that happy. Everyone has problems and things to worry about because life is hard. Hang in there and seek professional help and time spent with family.

 

[depends4me]

You have as much right to be happy as anybody else.

I hope that wasn't a cliche. If so, please tell me and I'll try harder. I read your entire post and am really happy you spoke out. Too many people suffer in silence, and asking for help can be the first step towards getting it. (Yes, that was a cliche, but see more below.) If I lived anywhere near Minnesota, I'd be inviting you out to lunch and giving you the biggest bear hug you ever had in your life. Maybe somebody from Minnesota will read this and reach out to you? I once had a nibble of a job offer from company just north of St. Paul that writes ERP software for the publishing industry, but the hiring manager never really took me seriously. And I'm sure there were closer candidates...but I would have moved in a heartbeat. While there are worse places to be, Pennsylvania isn't a thriving state and here the Philadelphia/New Jersey suburbs seem to keep creeping west with their endless strip malls and rude drivers and drug violence. Minnesota, especially the twin cities area, seems like a more vibrant and laid back community.

You said above that you left your home country at 18, so perhaps you're a Canadian national? I am guessing that you do have a regular job and do have a car and health insurance? I believe Obamacare mandates that most if not all health insurance policies also cover mental health issues, so yes, please keep looking for a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even without insurance there should still be free services from nonprofits. If you feel comfortable being more specific about where you live and your insurance, I could help you look.

What is your relationship like with your family? How much do they know about what you've written above? When they ask how you're doing, do you say "I'm okay" and then they leave it at that? I will echo what Dogboy said, that you are going to need somebody's help to dig out of this. Sadly, you're right when you say that "people live their own lives in their own corner of the world". RL friends are always better than online friends, but even then, people are often so busy with their own lives. Here's an idea. If you don't have success or the motivation to find a doctor on your own, print out your post above and hand it to your mom or dad. No articulation is necessary, because you already did the work. In spite of your isolation, give yourself a hand for being a decent writer. See, your post really was a first step. Is the path just a little bit clearer now about step 2 ?

I don't know if you can send PM's here with 7 posts, but if you would like another online friend, feel free to contact me. Honestly, I'll go out on a limb and suggest reaching out to anybody on ADISC with whom you think you have things in common. Getting an unexpected PM from a kindred spirit can feel a bit like winning the lottery. Nobody can have enough friends.

 

[972T]

Not Canadian. Colombian. I do have insurance. Also my relation with my family is pretty good. Specially from what I've seen around here.
They do know about my mental problems at some degree. They just don't really know what to do about it. The part of Colombian has to do with it.
Mental Health in Colombia is way below of what is here (also physical health between many other things) So my family just doesn't really do much about it.

After all there's a "mask" glued to my face. One that even my family is unable to distinguish from the real me. They know many things about what I suffer but give me space. Because what they see is very filtered. They just don't know if I really want the help or not. I don't really know if I want the help somehow.
I have a loving family despite all.
They know I'm gay and never had a problem with it. In that respect they're open minded. Abdl wise, they can't never know. Wouldn't understand.

I met someone online some months back. We became friends and met up once. I don't know but suddenly I found him annoying. He was a good guy and part of me also thought it was for the best not to make him part of my rollercoaster of emotions and complicated thoughts. So I told him we shouldn't talk anymore. He was more of a diaper lover but the first person I actually met who knew about my little side.
He has make me doubt all this time if I can even have a friend at all. Is like I'm just using people so might as well be alone to not hurt anyone (and not get hurt by chance)
The worst part is that I don't know if the relation was real. It seems he just wanted a friend, while I feel I just use him to explore how it was to have a friend who knew about the stuff I don't tell anyone. And once I got bored I just throw him away.
Which makes me feel like shit, yet I can't avoid it. It happened and it will happen again and again. Is part of my avoidance. I end up running away somehow. And my mind makes me want to run away. Is not that I have no option. My mind makes it that I choose to do it and regret it later.
I'm freakingly stuborn so I won't try to go back to someone I was so cruel to. They don't deserve that.
That's when I really don't understand what people see in me. I'll just abandon them once I get bored or annoyed.
I've always thought it might have something to do with the fact I've always feel abandoned by the father I never had.
Actually I also have considerated if that's one of the sources of my desire of having a Caregiver.
I hate the guy despite never knowing him. Can't forgive him, yet the problem is more about the idea of a father than they guy itself.
Also he is dead so whatever. I didn't even know him, so for that part it doesn't hurt.

So conclusion. I have a terrible self esteem and don't considerate myself worth it. So abandoned people thinking is for their own good, while making me believe that I just want to be left alone or something. I don't even understand it myself really.
I never had a dad but had been obsess with it and haven't ever been able to move on.
And I keep writing more garbage... yei...

 

[dogboy]

I too suffer from diagnosed avoidance. It's part of my depression. After my wife died I tumbled into deep depression and avoidance was a large part of it. It was near impossible for me to initiate and kind of new activity. My wife paid the bills and it was very difficult to make myself do that. I let my dental insurance lapse. My doctor retired and the clinic closed so I went without a doctor for more than a year because I couldn't make myself look for a new one. I only left the house for work and grocery shopping. Life closed in on me.

With almost a year of counseling, I am beginning to get better. I cancelled my Direct TV and A. T. & T. account and made a new one with Comcast, a big undertaking for someone with avoidance. I got a new doctor and initiated some other things. I haven't met new people yet, but I did take a creative writing class at our junior college this winter.

I find I have to make myself do a lot of these things. I'm also diagnosed with anxiety so initiating all these new activities does cause anxiety. I would desperately like to feel happiness again, so I'm making myself get more out into the world. It takes willful effort but it is worth it. It's something to think about. Seek help and make yourself do some new and different things. Find one new thing to do during the week. It will be a start.

 

[depends4me]

Ah, now I'm starting to understand. When you moved to the USA, did you come with other family members, or did you come alone? If you're alone, that can't do anything but make you feel isolated. And if you came with your mother, I have heard that immigrant parents often rely heavily on their children, who are better at adjusting to new surroundings, not to mention the language. But as an adult yourself, that would certainly cause some stress.

If you're in your 20's, maybe you haven't had much reason to use medical insurance so far? Do you know how it works? I've found that there are two main variations. "High deductible" insurance typically means that it doesn't kick-in until you've spent several thousand dollars out-of-pocket. Hopefully you have the kind where the deductible applies mostly to surgery and hospitalization, and visiting a psychologist is just a $20-$30 "specialist" co-pay, just like seeing a dermatologist, podiatrist, etc. Most insurance companies have a list of in-network doctors on their web site, and finding a doctor isn't much harder that doing a Google search. Call the doctor's office, ask if they are taking new patients, make sure they accept your insurance, and make an appointment. There may be a wait of several months, but at least you've gotten the ball rolling. Will you take the first step this week?

He has make me doubt all this time if I can even have a friend at all. Is like I'm just using people so might as well be alone to not hurt anyone (and not get hurt by chance)

You know, you're way, way overthinking this. If you're having a good time and the other person is having a good time, that's a friendship. It doesn't have to be about anything deep. A person can be anywhere from a lifelong friend to a casual acquaintances, and anything inbetween (work friends, local friends, Internet friends, once-a-year friends, good acquaintances, etc.). My mother has a friend who she talks with on the phone a couple times a year and maybe sees once a year. Beyond that she can't stand her. But their paths still cross occasionally, and that's still a friendship. Yes, it does sound like self esteem issues so you know yourself pretty well. While you said that you would never do it, I'd still consider contacting that guy again. Maybe it would be easier that contacting someone new? Say that you enjoyed meeting him but you had a lot of things going on and the timing was bad. It's possible that he'd really love hearing from you. If you try and it results in just a friendship, hey, it's one more friend than you had before. Carve a notch on your door frame. You did it. You could get hurt, but then it could also lead to something wonderful. What you really need is somebody to show up at your door and drag you out of the house , but sadly the ABDL "welcome wagon" needs more members.

I've always thought it might have something to do with the fact I've always feel abandoned by the father I never had.
Actually I also have considerated if that's one of the sources of my desire of having a Caregiver.

It's not at all unusual for people leaning AB to use it as a way to give themselves a happy childhood, no matter their age. Helping you understand and work through things like this is what psychologists are good at. My father and I had a strained relationship sometimes. He was good at providing food and clothes and put me through several years of university, but we were very different people. I was quiet and studious and nonathletic, not the blue collar sports fanatic he is, and sometimes he didn't quite know what to do with me. As I got older he'd occasionally join me in my room for a video game, but aside from conversations at the dinner table, that was about it. As we both get older still, we've developed an understanding, even if it's mostly unspoken. I inherited his mechanical/technical side and clear thinking, and am happy for that.

While I lean heavily DL myself and can't completely relate, I do have a silly, childish side. Sometimes I write little sketches in my head like

[three 8-year-old boys on a backyard patio, along with somebody's 5-year-old brother]

Boy #1: My mom says all us boys should wear diapers because we have Too. Many. Accidents.
[the other boys look away, embarrassed]
Little Brother: I don't wear diapers, I wear pull-ups.
Boy #2: Pull-ups are diapers.
Little Brother: They Are Not!!!
Boy #2: You pee in 'em, don't ya?
Little Brother: WAAAAAAAHHHH!

And after that found myself going "WAAAHHH" under my breath sometimes when I got teased or didn't get my way. Who knows where I'll be in a few years, lol.

And I keep writing more garbage... yei...

You keep writing and we'll keep reading.

 

[972T]

Moved with my mom and younger sister. My older sister already lived here for years and was the one who helped us settle in. Lived with her for a while.
For the way my mind works I'll just crush anyone when I'm in the right mindset. Either if I care for them or not I subcounsciously treat others in such a way that they just decide to leave me alone. Or in some cases I make them go away from my life like that guy I mentioned. By just dissapearing entirely.
Right now I'm in that mindset. Still aware but not interested in changing anything. In cases like this I always wondered if I have some sort of personality disorder or whatever.
A week back I wanted helped, friends, a caregiver, love, feeling I belong somewhere. Right now I couldn't care less. Just want to play videogames in peace without interruptions. Without unnecesary changes to my routine. I'm back to a calm state in which any change is unnecesary despite knowing the stupid problem will reapeat itself again and I'll again feel hopeless and alone.
So for now I'm just trying to enjoy the quietness and wait for the stupid depression and that my feeling take over again. Is like, the messages before this one were written by my emotions, this one is my mind who finally took control back.
So see how intense the problem is. Right now I feel like I'm just playing with you all. Not last week thought. Then it feel like you were the ones playing with me. Is weird.

 

[depends4me]

Unless you've been lying this whole time, nobody is playing with anybody. (And your posts read as heartfelt as anything I've ever seen.) I realized years ago that one of the responsibilities of being a big person is sometimes needing to look after little persons. Yes, you're an adult, but as far as I'm concerned you're still a kiddo and need some TLC. There is no hidden agenda anywhere besides me putting on my armchair psychologist hat and trying to help a fellow human.

I re-read your earlier posts and am beginning to understand what happens:

my desire of belonging somewhere, being love, have a truth connection with others, that all that is nothing but a temporary desire that will fade and come back next month, but surely can be ignore.

Running away is very common for me. Instead of encountering something hard I just run away.

A week back I wanted helped, friends, a caregiver, love, feeling I belong somewhere. Right now I couldn't care less. Just want to play videogames in peace without interruptions. Without unnecesary changes to my routine. I'm back to a calm state in which any change is unnecesary despite knowing the stupid problem will reapeat itself again and I'll again feel hopeless and alone.

You're continually walking up to the line of helping yourself but never crossing it. Again and again. What you describe, I think, is classic depression. You likely know that. I've been there too during stressful times in my life. You do the things that are absolutely necessary (paying bills, doing laundry, going to work) but nothing else, and may sometimes feel like just curling up in bed and not moving. When this happens I try to do something additional, even if it's very small, to say that I accomplished something that day. But I guess I'm fortunate that it eventually passes.

I put on a lot of weight in my 20's, to the point that at 30 I was at 215 pounds. At some point I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I made the decision to stop eating certain foods (potatoes, most candy), snacking conservatively (like not keeping food at my desk), and getting regular aerobic and anaerobic exercise. I started walking several miles 3 or 4 times a week, then changed to running, dropped over 60 pounds, and was totally amazed that it was so easy. At one point I am running in the middle of a snowstorm through an apartment complex near the mall and this dude pops out his front door and shouts, "Hey, are you a boxer??" I'm thinking WTF, reply "not yet!", and keep running. I am not exercising regularly today but have kept the weight off to the point that it makes some of my peers jealous. What I'm trying to say is that all this was possible only because I decided to make a change. As an adult, nobody was going to make me do anything I didn't want to do, even if it was affecting my health. My sister's weight goes up and down and she's now taking medication for high blood pressure. I'd love to see her make some changes, and I think she and her boyfriend eat out too much and don't exercise, but I can't tell her what to do. Not that she ever asks me.

Is like, the messages before this one were written by my emotions, this one is my mind who finally took control back.

I don't want that guy right now. I want this guy:

For the last 3 weeks I've been struggling hard with myself. I read a story and from it realize I want more from life than what I've use to tell myself.

Deep down inside you want more, but the stress of taking that final step of getting help always gets the better of you. Since your older sister has lived in the US the longest, how about taking my earlier suggestion and handing her a copy of your first post...with minor edits? As she's been here the longest, she would have the most experience with the US health care system and dealing with mental health issues. If you don't want to talk about ABDL with her, I think these edits would suffice:

Parts like my depression, my fears, my shames, my desires on abdl.

That I'll only get hurt. That letting my child side is ridiculous.

Start going to a psychoterapist or something, but I don't feel that's enought. Because after all there's my little side that I can't accept and I can't talk about with anyone.

My dream is to find a daddy and feel that beautiful love I read in stories. That strong connection that is more than just lovers or friends.
To have friends whom I can actually connect with.

Edit. Print. Hand it to her. Walk away. Clean and fast, like tearing off a band-aid. Do it quickly before your mind talks you out of it. Again, if I was local, I'd show up on your doorstep, drag you out of the house, and drive you to the psychologist myself, but that's not practical. If you don't feel up to contacting a doctor yourself, I think your sister is in the best position to help you. Please do it.

On a lighter note, you were writing stuff like

Because after all there's my little side that I can't accept and I can't talk about with anyone.

If it's not too personal, what's your favorite little fantasy? You obviously want to talk about it, and this is as good a forum as you're likely to find. I don't have personal fantasies exactly, but here's another vignette from my head:

Most of us have heard about the Zika virus, that causes babies to be born with abnormally small heads and causes problems with brain development and other birth defects. Horrible stuff. I imagined the Peeka virus, which causes babies to be born with abnormally small, weak bladders. The insidious thing is that nobody is surprised if a 2-year-old needs diapers, so the disease has time to take hold and spread before anybody catches it, and years more before a vaccine becomes widespread. This leads to half a generation, in at least certain parts of the world, being permanently incontinent, which leads to all sorts of societal changes. At my high school, girls always went to the bathroom in pairs. Not necessarily during class, but every other time like in study halls, and the teachers were fine with this. It wasn't for need, but so they could gossip. In the world of the Peeka virus, at some high schools, boys also go to the bathroom in pairs, not to gossip but because only a loser changes his own diaper. Let your imagination fly.

 

[972T]

I believe I have some personality disorder or something serious. Because the more time passes since this strong depression started the more I find myself fighting agaisnt myself. Sometimes one side takes control. He doesn't give a fuck about anything or anyone. Myself included. Only videogames and things that are simple and fun (for me). While at times my other side takes over and desperatly seeks for help, scared and full of insecurities.
Is like I'm two people in one body fighthing for who keeps control. So far is a share control for a few weeks or depending on who has the upper hand or whatever.
So as long as I'm in control nothing is going to happen. Though one way or another both sides suffer because of the other. So one side has to either change and accept things or go away.
Right now I don't give a fuck, but I do feel super curious about all this.
Do I have some personality disorder or something weird which is the source of why I have a problem and haven't done anything about it?
Whatever.

And fantasy. To find a man to fall in love who is a daddy. To be his baby all the time. And just live without any of this bullshit. Happy and innocent... with some sexual side to it.

 

[dogboy]

If you haven't been seen by a psychologist or a psychiatrist, you should. From your original post, I was thinking Borderline Personality disorder. But it takes a professional to determine this because there are so many other factors. I'm sure I was Borderline when I was college age and I did have to see a psychiatrist as I was suicidal and having a psychotic break at the time. These things can happen and when it does, professional intervention is necessary. No one wants to be profoundly sad and unhappy all the time.

 

[depends4me]

Doing nothing (including video games, TV, etc.) is always easier than doing something. And doing nothing most of the time is a good sign of depression. Maybe it's just that your depression wanes enough sometimes for your logical mind to take over? I'm gonna guess that's also the reason you haven't sought treatment so far: doing so would be new and unknown and scary and stressful, so it's always easier to do nothing. Maybe you will get really lucky and somebody will come into your life (daddy or not) and help you through this, but that's against the odds. Going back to my weight loss story, I think you'll need to take the first step yourself, but to do that you'll have to decide that you want to change. If you don't have the stamina to contact a doctor on your own, then I still think your older sister is the best person to help you.

On a completely different topic, did you ever have an ABDL Tumblr blog? I recently remembered a Colombian kid with a blog. I don't know the minimum age for Tumblr, but doubt he was over 17. This wasn't very many years ago, but he was pretty clearly in Colombia. I get the impression you're older than your early 20's, so probably not?

 

[972T]

I'm 23. I hate my own face. Why would I ever take pictures of myself and show them to others? I hate my appearance and I don't want nothing to do with anyone. Meaning I lack that stupid need to show myself in pictures like all social media people do.
Also I'm starting to lose my mind. I can't think one thing without ending going down and make in it about something else which makes me hate everything even more. I did ask for help. They're kind of doing it? But out of all this one of the parts that makes me even less willing of doing shit is that I keep seeing how specifically my mom just avoids the problem all together. She just wants to believe everything is fine or it'll go away. Just today when I was in a ok mood she ask me to go with her somewhere. I say yes willingly. Everything was ok until in the middle of a conversation on the road I noticed she wasn't even listening, maybe a little but not really caring at all. That got me all "No one cares what you have to say." And it got worse form there. Eventually I was on the edge. I had to go back home and isolate myself. She just stayed quiet or try to act like things were ok. But like everytime you can see she doesn't know what to do and for her inaction is clear she rather do nothing about it. Just like she has for years. One thing is not knowing how to help. Other is how far are you willing to go to try to help even though you don't know how. She tried over the years, but when taking me to a psychologist didn't work the whole deal wasn't mentioned again until I got another extreme depression.
Worst part is that over the years my older siblings (they're from another father so their in their late 30's) always complain about how she didn't do anything and just let me stayed home without going to school or doing anything about my mental problems. Back then I prefer it that way. Now I see that her inaction just made things worse. Now I'm fucked up and I don't even alow myself to get help.
I was born by surprise. She got involved with a guy that was even older than her own parents. Practically she did because she had no money and he did. She had two kids at the time so she did it for them. He lied about having done vasectomy. And that's how I was born.
After my younger sister was born or whatever they didn't saw each other more. I never had a father. I was born out of lies. A fucking mistake.
Anyway. I'm in a point that I've never reach before. Having realize so many things these last few months has kept me in depression longer than usual. The thought that dead is the only one that cares about me, because it doens't care who you are it accepts and takes everyone.
Pretty much dead seems like the only salvation from this hell I live. All this has only help to kill more of the little hope I had. By now there's barely any left and if I haven't kill myself is because my survival insticts or whatever are still working. Also because there's too much infighting in my mind so no one really has control in there. Is just fucking chaos.
I don't see any way anyone can help me by now. Maybe when I was 12 or even 16. Now is too late. And fuck up to anyone who says the fucking cliche lie of "is never too late" because that's just bullshit people say because they have fucking hope. I hate you all. AAARRGGG

 

[dogboy]

I had a blow up at my psychologist's on Friday, not at him but at the medical profession. They were incompetent, didn't diagnose my wife correctly even though I told them what was wrong, and then they did damn little to save her. I've often wondered, after we've grown up and are no longer kids, do we experience genuine happiness? I'm not sure we do. If other members here can say they are sometimes happy like they were when they were 10 or 12 years old, I'd like to hear that, just to know that it's possible.

But here's the thing. I don't want to stay like this. I still want a happy day, or a really happy hour and I'm not giving up on that. I hope you don't give up on yourself. It sounds like you're in a terrible position both psychologically and socially. I'm guessing you can't work a job? I'm so very glad that I still work as it fills in a lot of empty hours. The empty hours hurt, so I try to find something to do even when I'm just knocking around my house. I'm a musician so I usually find something to do that involves music. I also read and occasionally write. Writing is really cathartic for me because I can express who I am or want to be through a fictional character.

I hope you can find something that salvages your life. We are meant to live in this world and to find meaning. I search for that every day. Music helps me to achieve that. You need to find something that interests you. I suspect that's where happiness is found.

 

[depends4me]

I'm 23. I hate my own face. Why would I ever take pictures of myself and show them to others? I hate my appearance and I don't want nothing to do with anyone. Meaning I lack that stupid need to show myself in pictures like all social media people do.

Okay! It was just a question. I'm the same way, actually...but it doesn't stop me from looking. You won't be able to reply until you reach 20 posts, but I'm sending you a PM.

I did ask for help. They're kind of doing it? But out of all this one of the parts that makes me even less willing of doing shit is that I keep seeing how specifically my mom just avoids the problem all together. She just wants to believe everything is fine or it'll go away.

So you did it?? I'm really proud of you. I was concerned that you'd never budge and we'd eventually reach a stalemate. I'm sorry that it didn't go quite the way you wanted, but in your situation I think a change like this is still good. You wrote the above post on Saturday night, so maybe there has been more progress since then? I think a lot of mothers are like yours. They don't like to dwell on unpleasant things. My own mom is the same way. Sometimes I think she'd prefer to live in a television fictional reality where nothing bad ever happens.

Before I go further, your last couple paragraphs scared me. I see that you did log in on Sunday, and pray that you're still okay. If you do get to a point where you're really at the end, there are lots of crisis/suicide prevention services available:

How to get help: Suicide prevention resources

Minnesota's suicide crisis hotline shut down in 2018 following financial shortfalls, but there are still resources to get help.

www.mprnews.org

Mental Health Minnesota - The Voice of Recovery

mentalhealthmn.org

Mental Health Minnesota - The Voice of Recovery

mentalhealthmn.org

and a number of them are right in Minnesota, although not always 24/7. You're young enough that the Trevor Project (first link) might also be a good place to go.

And fuck up to anyone who says the fucking cliche lie of "is never too late" because that's just bullshit people say because they have fucking hope.

I still have enough hope for a couple people, if you're willing to hang in there. Let me lend you some, just like if you're a little short on cash some week. It can and will get better.

The end result of all of this is that you need to see a doctor. If the conversation with your mother didn't go far enough down that road, would you be able to have the same conversation with your older sister? Or would you be able to visit your health provider's web site and look for a doctor on your own? It occurred to me that you might also try contacting one of the Minnesota support lines above and maybe they could help you find a psychiatrist. The first time you do anything can be hell, but the second time is usually a little easier. I think your mom or sister should go with you for the first couple appointments to keep your stress level down...but one thing at a time. If necessary, can you have the talk again?

I've often wondered, after we've grown up and are no longer kids, do we experience genuine happiness?

Some days I worry about you, too.

 

[972T]

So my older sister found this group who came to my house and I talked to them. Honestly I over dramatized everything as a cry for help. What happened next was something I regret. If I had done things differently I could have avoid it.
Both my family and the people that came over from a organization or something, got scared I was suicidal (which I wasn't) and decided that I should go to emergency so they could do something.
I say ok but not really knowing what it meant, nor did my family.
I end up getting hospitalized for the whole suicidal risk or whatever. It was awful.
They put me in a emergency room for something else because the psychiatric one was full. Then after what felt like hours they moved me to this psychiatric emergency part. Throughout the night they kept asking me the same questions.
Why are you here? Do you see or hear things? Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?

After more hours in there they took me to a different part of the building. Where I was meant to stay for 72 hours.
I'm a germophobe, though not to the extreme. So the idea of using public bathrooms is out of the question.
Diapers would be great for this though I still haven't really gotten the courage to even think using one in public. And going #2 is hard for me. I have to take a shower after I do #2, otherwise I just can't.
Point is that my anxiety was at its highest point. Not only was I trapped there for 3 days. My family thought I was going to kill myself. I would have to use the bathroom for #2 at one point or another. It was awful.

The depression had dissipated by the morning and anxiety was the new awful feeling I couldn't get rid of.
I controlled myself then do to deppresion not keeping me down. Now anxiety motivated me to do whatever it took to get out as soon as possible.
So when I talked to the people that I needed talking I was honest yet avoid the more dramatic extreme parts. I show them that it was only a deppresion and my family missunderstood.
Gladly they understood I'm not insane or dangerous to the point in which I need to be lock up. So I only had to stay for two nights and one day.
My body was so tense up I didn't felt like eating nor going to the bathroom. Also had a headache which is rare in me but do to the circumstances.

During my time at the place I didn't actually got any real help. Not the help I had been waiting during my whole depression. It was a lot of "what's going to happen next. Bla bla bla"
The plan was to go to a partial inpatient program. Something you go for the day and go back home. Kind of like school.
They let me go the morning of the second day.
it was so much like schoola in fact it gave me even more anxiety. The little I experience of actual school growing up wasn't good. So being in an enviroment that combined mental health with a school like scenario was awful. My anxiety spiked again.
I said it. That having social anxiety and been in such a place was stupid and only made things worse. So then without pressure they just let me leave it at that. The person in charge of the program did recommended a therapist.
Which I went to see today. But do to stupid paper work and signing she couldn't met with me. Worse of all. It was a 40 minutes drive. An like an hour to come back because rush hour.

All in all what I can take from this whole awful sittuation is that getting the help you need is as rare as seeing a shooting start. Getting help in general is a different matter, but I know myself at a degree I understand what does and doesn't work with me, and so far I haven't found anything yet.
The only good thing that came out of all this was that I finally told my mom how I felt and she expressed herself to.
The compromise is that she has to share how she feels about all this, because she use to hide it and avoid it to me but not to others. So to me it felt like she didn't care. It was just that she didn't know how to talk to me. And we're still figuring that out.

But in the end nothing has changed. I'm more frustrated than ever. If before I didn't asked for help now I understand the consequences of asking for it. Making me even less likely to ever ask for help. I also learned how ashamed of myself I am. How much I desire to find a special someone, to feel a connection. Yet understand that's nearly imposible and I'll just kill any chance if it ever presents itself not because I don't want it but because I feel I don't deserve it.

I feel miserable out of my own choice. I know nothing else and I don't feel I deserve better.
The health system sucks and doesn't help those who need help the most. Those who feel they're not worth the effort and discard any posibility of getting help.

I'm more stable now. But depression will come again and again until one day I actually become suicidal and that's it.
All I gained from this is a strenghten perspective on how hopeless the world is.
At least now that I know that no one can help when everyone is fuck up in their own different and weird ways I'll just stop putting pressure on others. Stop making pathetic post like this that in the end of the day only increase hopelesness in those who suffer or a sense of guilt in those who can't do but would like to do something about it. Or those who read it and feel better with themselves by seen others who are more fuck up than they are.

So I'll leave it at this. This is the last time I ask for help.
I'm broken. I feel alone. I want someone to lovingly hold me and tell me everything is ok. That they love me. Feel a true connection with someone special. To find love. To live life as best as possible. To find a daddy. A lover. A true friend. Understanding. To be able to truly care for someone. To feel emotions. To enjoy as much as I can everyday. To achieve my silly little dreams. To stop feeling like I'm just a worhless piece of something so awful and useless that saying shit is offending shit, because shit has more purpuse than I do. And it does.

Help me if you're there.
Otherwise, at least I hope you enjoyed reading about my misery.

 

[Sapphyre]

Unfortunately, your experience with the mental health system doesn't surprise me much. At least it doesn't sound like they tried to hold you for as long as possible to milk your insurance (this happened with a friend of mine).

I must admit that smart aleck answers sprung to mind as I read the repetitive questions…

Why are you here?

"I think that's my line, actually…"

Do you see or hear things?

"Duh, would you be asking me questions verbally if you thought I was blind and deaf?"

Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?

"Increasingly so, as a matter of fact, every time I see your face again…"

I can be a royal pain when my patience has gone.

More seriously though, finding a good therapist is quite difficult, and finding the right form of therapy is also a time-consuming trial-and-error process. Some people have good luck with medications (antidepressants, etc), others with CBT or EMDR therapy, others with ECT, others with more "experimental" methods such as ketamine treatment. No doubt, it is frustrating… and I agree with your assessment that it is unnecessarily broken. It does not need to be as difficult or frustrating as it is.

IMO, a large part of the reason that depression / anxiety is currently so difficult to treat is that it isn't well understood. For a long time people thought depression was merely a chemical imbalance in the brain, and so if the imbalance is chemically corrected then the problem is solved. But this thinking overlooks the fact that the balance of chemicals in the brain is regulated in response to the environment, trauma, etc… and so what happens in many cases is people need ever-higher dosages of anti-depressants because their body keeps trying to compensate and return to what it identifies as its balance point. The result is a temporary fix at best. Thankfully, this thinking is starting to change, and depression in particular is being recognized as (often) more than a physiological issue.

Relatedly, another important shift in thinking about mental illness in general is just beginning to take root: in some (perhaps many) cases there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the depressed / anxious / otherwise suffering individual at all, but instead their symptoms are merely a response to a toxic or threatening social environment. And the patient may not even realize this, instead having been gaslighted into believing they are simply broken or hopeless somehow.

I vaguely suspect there may be some of that at play here, mainly because in your posts you tend to belittle yourself rather strikingly often. (And of course, you're still thinking the same sorts of things even when not posting.) Usually, those self-defeating thoughts have a traceable origin; they were a bad lesson you learned somewhere. Something that was internalized, but originally came from outside. Do you know who taught you to think that you don't deserve happiness? Maybe it was a lot of people, but I think it's still worth naming names… because if anyone is to blame for your feeling as you do, it's those who taught you to feel that way. For as long as you're sufficiently upset to need to assign blame, it's better placed on them than on yourself. Blaming yourself is just giving in to the bad lesson.

I certainly don't have the power to dispel your depression or anxiety, even though they are feelings with which I am quite familiar. One small bit of insight that often helps me through rough patches though: particularly when considering the future, and hypotheticals and what-ifs, things are almost never as they seem. Conceptual thoughts — which is precisely what worry over one's future is made of — are deceptive by nature. Often grossly deceptive, because they necessarily have tunnel vision and cannot consider the actual spectrum of possibilities that exist. It's important to know that — I mean to be able to really see it — which might entail going on a long walk, a hike, or some other change of scenery to have fresh context. But when you can convince yourself that your expectations for the future probably aren't that accurate (personally I rarely even try to make plans anymore, something always changes…), you can avoid being weighed down by them.

I hope some of that helped a little, at least. *hugs*

 

[dogboy]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I go to our psychiatric clinic weekly unless they can't work me in. They hand me a clipboard with all the usual questions, one of which is: Have you considered harming yourself. Do you feel that your life has no meaning either to yourself or others.

I know my life has meaning to my adult children but there have been weeks where I've thought about ending it all many times during the day. On those weeks I check yes and I always feel embarrassed. You check a number from 1 to 5 depending on frequency and then come up with a total telling you and your therapist what sort of week you've had.

Clearly, you had a terrible week even without considering suicide. There are so many components to mental health and stability. I'd like to have one day where I actually felt happy. Music and writing can take me close to that but I can't get completely there. I suspect you feel the same way.

I try to stay busy and use music and other chores and activities to achieve that. There was a show in TV where the psychiatrist told her client to do one thing a day that gives some pleasure or a sense of happiness. I try to do that and it does help. I wish you the best.

 

[972T]

I want to be positive. I just can't. I'm so not use to that. I want things to be different. In a regular day when not depress, as long as I don't get into the subjects that make me feel hopeless I'm just fine. Is usually when depression comes that ruins everything.

I want to be able to met people and not simply run away once I feel threatened. That they'll end up hating me. So ironically I made them hate me or just make then prefer to avoid all together. Such a contradiction.

Have any of you thought that reading this whole post it looks like different people wrote at different times? Because I do.
I just don't know how to make friends. I think not being alone would help a lot.

 

[dogboy]

Your posts may look different from day to day because you feel differently on different days. I do too. I've talked about it with my psychologist because I wondered if I was also suffering from general depression, not necessarily connected to the loss of my wife. He agreed with me. I've talked about my past with him, from when I was a child and especially my college years so he knows I have a history of depression.

As we have up and down swings with depression, we will have some days which are better and some which are bad. We will sound somewhat different on a site like this as each day finds us a little different: happy, sad, depressed, hopeful; they're all different feelings and we will express ourselves accordingly.

 

[depends4me]

I also need to say how sorry I am for everything that happened. I'm glad you're okay. Your 9/14 post scared me and possibly your sister got that same vibe? She did what she did because she loves you, and hopefully the upshot is that she'll be keeping closer tabs on you. Your mom, too. That's a good thing. So from my perspective things aren't exactly back where they were. Hopefully you've found a depression-free zone again and are mostly chilling out. If you want to be this guy for a while

Is like, the messages before this one were written by my emotions, this one is my mind who finally took control back.

please go ahead. But KEEP THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT. Add it to your phone's calendar, put a note on the refrigerator, etc., but GO, no matter how bad the traffic is. Hopefully it's not too far in the future. And be proud of yourself. You didn't succumb to the stress and pushed through it. I was really concerned you wouldn't get this far.

Your hospital stay didn't jeopardize your job, did it? You didn't say anything, so I guess that's okay. BTW, you must talk to people at work sometimes. Has anybody ever invited you out after work for a drink or a snack or some social event? If some coworkers get together like that, have you ever asked to tag along?

At least now that I know that no one can help when everyone is fuck up in their own different and weird ways I'll just stop putting pressure on others. Stop making pathetic post like this that in the end of the day only increase hopelesness in those who suffer or a sense of guilt in those who can't do but would like to do something about it.

I don't think you really mean that. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're making progress. I realize what you want, though...for somebody to step in and take charge of everything, just like what happens when you're a little kid. To take away the anxiety and stress of making so many decisions, drive you to the doctor, introduce you to people, give you a regular social life, and give you a shoulder to lean on. But life's not often that easy. My very first comment here was to say that "you have as much right to be happy as anybody else" and I stand by that. Find some happy place to hang out in your head, keep the doctor appointments, let us know how it goes, and over time you'll start turning the corner. But give it time.


I'm going to tell you a story that I never posted before. Back in 2014-2015 I worked a contract job alongside a young guy just out of college. He was 23-24, really smart, and also sometimes a smartass. Two of his better features I think, lol. His last name was German but he looked Irish, with reddish-brown, slightly shaggy, uncombed hair. I'd hoped to get to know him better, but that never happened. I'm sure it was partly our age difference, as he was still too young to take that in stride. But he said to me on at least two occasions something that at first I didn't believe, and which later troubled me. He said that he didn't have any friends. He was an only child, and also mentioned once that his parents were divorced. I wondered if it happened when he was very young, because that's bound to be the hardest time, where you blame yourself for the trouble. He had odd reactions to my comments sometimes, and those puzzled me. When there was a major snowstorm forecast for Thanksgiving and he might not be able to make the 2-3 hour drive to him mom's house, I offered to do lunch with him on Friday. He had a strong look of surprise on his face and exclaimed, "you don't have to do that!!!" As if he was protecting me from something awful. On another occasion we'd finished a job and he made a note on his phone and then tried slipping it into his rear jeans pocket, but it wasn't cooperating. He's pushing it and wiggling it and shoving it and it's still not going. I made a joke and exclaimed, "curse these skinny jeans!". He stopped and looked at me with an utter expression of horror. He wasn't wearing skinny jeans, and my only idea was that he though I was suggesting he was fat. He had a few extra pounds, but he wasn't fat. And I didn't think that explained the look. I ignored it and we moved on. On one other occasion I was surprised to find him standing directly behind me at my desk. I happened to turn around and he was right there, apparently spying on me. But he didn't notice me because he had his shirt tucked under his chin, looking down at his boxer shorts as he very carefully arranged them to show about 3/4" above his jeans. I watched for a couple seconds and decided I didn't want to know, so turned around and ignored him. At first I thought it might be a byproduct of sagger culture. In school, between classes, you stop in the restroom to check your hair and to check your boxers, too? Months later, after I'd moved on, I asked a couple millennials online in chat, but they'd never heard of that. He also had a very refined diet. At first I thought he was just a gastronomist, as that's a millennial stereotype. At one point we were doing a job far away from the office, and I'd brought my lunch as it was going to take a while. I got hungry but felt weird eating in front of him, so started offering him things from my lunch, but he refused everything. That could have been nothing, but I was nearly pleading with him. I did see him eat pizza once, but at the Christmas party I noticed that he refused ice cream, which seemed a little odd. Months after I left the job, for the very first time, I tried putting all these things together. I think he was wearing. Maybe it was IBS or similar? He may have not had a strong male influence or a lot of socialization growing up, but I don't think those alone make you so jumpy. I suddenly felt horrible for him if he'd been dealing with this his whole life. School must have been hell. I've long since lost track of him, but if I had the opportunity today, would say that one of the simple secrets to making friends is to not swat people's hands away when they reach out. I liked him and enjoyed his company and he didn't have to do a damned thing besides be himself.