My fiancée told me she can't accept diapers

[rejden]

Hello all. I have this situation. Diapers are super important for me as I imagine it is for many people here. This made me introduce my then girlfriend to diapers fairly soon - about half year into the relationship. I was always straight forward that I want to wear, that I need it (I am not incontinent, just really feel too distracted when I don't wear for too long - like 3 weeks would be considered a lot) I generally don't wear outside with a rare exception. I mostly only like to sleep in diapers, it makes me feel comfy and I sleep significantly better (even my smart watch thinks so - which by the way - wow I did not expect this but my quality of sleep is just better when I wear). She would be nice about it. Like it's not her thing but she would occasionally wear with me or put me in a diaper. She would pet my nappied butt, which I super love.

The relationship went well and 4.5 years into the relationship we got engaged. We started planning the wedding and I am excited to connect to this woman for the rest of my life. I guess this is a lot of pressure on both of us as well. I kind of take it as a last chance to say no, but I really don't want to break up or anything. But then she dropped the bomb - she wants me to stop wearing diapers. We are getting married in 3 months. She told me last week and I just cannot take it. I am moody, we cannot talk like normal humans. I cannot imagine having a marriage I read in here about when people hide their stash at home and are super-secret about wearing in front of their spouse. That would kill me. I am an open personality, wearing is very emotional for me and I cannot hide/not share this with her.

Can anyone give me any sort of advice? I am unsure what to do really. I love her with all my heart but.. If she told me in the beginning, this would be a deal breaker for me. But now I am in love. I like her family we spent 5.5 years together already - I am 25 so out dating was pretty much all my adulthood. I don't know what to do.

 

[LittleMaddox]

Have you asked her why it's changed after all this time? It sounds like she was quite comfortable with it, many people don't even get acceptance at a level where your SO will diaper you, and then it just suddenly just ended. It wasn't clear if you've even talked about this after she initially told you

 

[trysexiea]

Hello all. I have this situation. Diapers are super important for me as I imagine it is for many people here. This made me introduce my then girlfriend to diapers fairly soon - about half year into the relationship. I was always straight forward that I want to wear, that I need it (I am not incontinent, just really feel too distracted when I don't wear for too long - like 3 weeks would be considered a lot) I generally don't wear outside with a rare exception. I mostly only like to sleep in diapers, it makes me feel comfy and I sleep significantly better (even my smart watch thinks so - which by the way - wow I did not expect this but my quality of sleep is just better when I wear). She would be nice about it. Like it's not her thing but she would occasionally wear with me or put me in a diaper. She would pet my nappied butt, which I super love.

The relationship went well and 4.5 years into the relationship we got engaged. We started planning the wedding and I am excited to connect to this woman for the rest of my life. I guess this is a lot of pressure on both of us as well. I kind of take it as a last chance to say no, but I really don't want to break up or anything. But then she dropped the bomb - she wants me to stop wearing diapers. We are getting married in 3 months. She told me last week and I just cannot take it. I am moody, we cannot talk like normal humans. I cannot imagine having a marriage I read in here about when people hide their stash at home and are super-secret about wearing in front of their spouse. That would kill me. I am an open personality, wearing is very emotional for me and I cannot hide/not share this with her.

Can anyone give me any sort of advice? I am unsure what to do really. I love her with all my heart but.. If she told me in the beginning, this would be a deal breaker for me. But now I am in love. I like her family we spent 5.5 years together already - I am 25 so out dating was pretty much all my adulthood. I don't know what to do.

Not really any good solution, I think you can eventually try to find find a psychologists that can confirm that you need it in psychological way.

 

[BobaFettish]

LIB 40 - Losing Attraction to ABDL Partner

After a brief summer hiatus, we are back with a really tricky question: what do you do when you are a non-ABDL person partnered with an ABDL, and their kink causes you to lose attraction to them? On this episode, we tackle this tough situation with Dr. Rhoda Lipscomb (www.drrhoda.com), a...

player.fm

There was a great episode of Love in Brief podcast about something close to this.

 

[tiny]

Wow! That's a bit of a shocker.

I've heard a few stories where partners are accepting, then suddenly demand complete abstinence from diapers. I think a lot of people think it's "just a phase" that will just disappear -- if they let you indulge, you'll get bored of it, and will get over that phase... :-/

There's also the fantasy of "perfect love" we have in society -- things like love at first sight, people being "made for each other", the white wedding that has to be meticulously planned to perfection, and love stories that culminate in passionate lovers marrying and "living happily ever after". It's easy to look at others' marriages and assume that everything's perfect because people don't talk about the everyday irritations and compromises. Outsiders only seen the facade, not the reality.

I don't know if I have any good advice, as my experience with women is uh... limited.... but I totally understand where you're coming from. And your bravery and honesty with your partner is admirable -- I've always struggled (i.e. failed) to tell anyone about this side of me.

If I were you (and I'm not), I'd explain to your fiancee that you've been completely up-front and honest about liking diapers, and how hard you find it to go a long time without them... And, because you love and respect her so much, you don't want to make a promise to her that you know you won't be able to keep.

Maybe you could offer some compromises, if there are any you'd be happy to live with. Things like not wearing around her, or making sure you're covered up so it's not "in her face", or scheduling certain times as "diaper free", or whatever would work for you both...?

Perhaps explain how diapers help you unwind and recover from the stresses of life, enabling you to regain your focus and will help you to be a better husband... How everyone has emotional needs, and that you don't understand any more than she does why you'd have an emotional need for diapers, but you do. And that wearing diapers occasionally doesn't mean that you won't be able to meet your obligations as a husband, and to help fulfil her emotional needs too.

Also, I think it would help if you can try to see things from your fiancee's point-of-view. Why doesn't she want you wearing diapers? What is it that concerns her? Is it how you'd hide it from future kids as they grow up? Does it affect how she sees you in the bedroom? Is there anything you can do to address whatever fears she has, come to a compromise, and show her that she has nothing to be worried about...?

If you get stuck, relationship counselling can be a good way to get everything out in the open and have someone to help you both figure things out.

Sorry if this is all obvious stuff. My lack of experience with women suggests that I probably don't know what I'm talking about. But, good luck and best wishes to you.

 

[dogboy]

In addition to all the good advise from above, have you thought about the two of you seeing a marriage counselor? I'm sure there are marriage counselors who are psychologists. I see a psychologist for grief therapy and depression and he has helped me a lot. I think if you lucked out with the right counselor, they might help your fiance find some middle ground of acceptance.

 

[Poofybutt]

That's quite the situation you have on your hands. Normally if a partner is willing to attempt or even tacitly accept this, they seldom take it back like that. It sounds as though she was initially accepting, so I can see how the sudden reveal of "I want you to stop wearing diapers" has caught you off guard and thrown your relationship into a bit of a tailspin

Hang in there

It is quite clear that pulling out of the relationship now, with marriage on the horizon, is not an option for you. It is also very clear, based on what you have written, that you are very much in love with this person and want the relationship to work.

I am going to echo what Dogboy has suggested, seek out a marriage/relationship counsellor. There are kink-aware and alternative lifestyle friendly marriage/relationship counsellors out there, see if there are any in your area. While I haven't partaken in relationship counselling myself if you find a qualified counsellor or one that is knowledgeable about kinks or alternative lifestyles, they are sure to be impartial and can give you and your partner areas to work on

Another thing I am going to suggest is that you simply sit down with her and have a well thought out heart to heart talk. You are both very invested in the relationship at this point, so I don't think she'll be averse to having a good long talk. Let her know that this is a part of who you are and that there is no way you could ever get rid of it even if you wanted to. Perhaps let her know how important it was that she accepted this side of yourself in the past

One thing that might be happening here, is she may be under the assumption that you love diapers and little time more than you love her. It's an absurd leap in logic to infer something like that, I know, but having read advice columns and articles here and there, some women and men fall into that trap; they think their partners kink outweighs their love for them. Let her know that your love for her supersedes your love for diapers, but reiterate that this is simply a part of who you are and that it doesn't change the way you feel about her

If she really loves you and wants this to work as badly as you do, she'll come around. You may have to realize, however, that if diapers are now a hard line for her, she may never fully accept or indulge this side of you as she once did. That being said, the least she could do is respect and love you enough to let you wear and regress on your own time. My 1st girlfriend was like that, she was fine with my AB side, but didn't want to take on a Mommy role or diaper me or even see me like that, she did, however, give me time and space to indulge because she knew how important it was to me Me and her parted ways many years ago now and I am happy to report that all my relationships since then have been even more accepting ☺

If you both want to make it work, it'll work, but it may take time. Seek out a relationship/marriage counsellor and in the meantime, have a good old fashioned heart to heart talk... that is my advice

 

[neophyte]

I don’t have much advice, but pre wedding jitters are a real thing. I didn’t believe it until some weird hesitations surfaced as my wedding date got close.

Stay strong and try to remain calm. Focus on the positives.

 

[Andrewgdfw]

Hello all. I have this situation. Diapers are super important for me as I imagine it is for many people here. This made me introduce my then girlfriend to diapers fairly soon - about half year into the relationship. I was always straight forward that I want to wear, that I need it (I am not incontinent, just really feel too distracted when I don't wear for too long - like 3 weeks would be considered a lot) I generally don't wear outside with a rare exception. I mostly only like to sleep in diapers, it makes me feel comfy and I sleep significantly better (even my smart watch thinks so - which by the way - wow I did not expect this but my quality of sleep is just better when I wear). She would be nice about it. Like it's not her thing but she would occasionally wear with me or put me in a diaper. She would pet my nappied butt, which I super love.

The relationship went well and 4.5 years into the relationship we got engaged. We started planning the wedding and I am excited to connect to this woman for the rest of my life. I guess this is a lot of pressure on both of us as well. I kind of take it as a last chance to say no, but I really don't want to break up or anything. But then she dropped the bomb - she wants me to stop wearing diapers. We are getting married in 3 months. She told me last week and I just cannot take it. I am moody, we cannot talk like normal humans. I cannot imagine having a marriage I read in here about when people hide their stash at home and are super-secret about wearing in front of their spouse. That would kill me. I am an open personality, wearing is very emotional for me and I cannot hide/not share this with her.

Can anyone give me any sort of advice? I am unsure what to do really. I love her with all my heart but.. If she told me in the beginning, this would be a deal breaker for me. But now I am in love. I like her family we spent 5.5 years together already - I am 25 so out dating was pretty much all my adulthood. I don't know what to do.

I don't think you have a 'situation' as much as you have a clear solution (a 'deal breaker') and SHE has presented it clearly to you. She can not abide your kink and yet you insist she occasionally indulge you with certain actions. She has the insight that you apparently don't. She sees that you've set aside a part of your life for diapers and not all of your life for her and she's being very direct and honest about it.

 

[mayhem]

This is a hard choice to make. You cannot just delete your desires and you cannot just delete your love for her. If she cannot accept you as you are now, how can she possibly accept you in any other way in the future? Is it you that she loves, or the idea of you?

 

[tiny]

I don't think you have a 'situation' as much as you have a clear solution (a 'deal breaker') and SHE has presented it clearly to you.

I agree, as things stand. And it's no wonder rejden is feeling "moody" and unable to communicate when he's not being listened to and is presented with a stark demand to deny himself something that he's been completely up-front and honest about from the start (or when things became "serious"). But deals are usually open to negotiation.

She can not abide your kink and yet you insist she occasionally indulge you with certain actions. She has the insight that you apparently don't. She sees that you've set aside a part of your life for diapers and not all of your life for her and she's being very direct and honest about it.

Wow. That's incredibly harsh and uncalled for. How does having a diaper fetish mean that you can't set aside your whole life for your wife? There are plenty of couples where only one partner is ABDL, and they find a way to make things work. There's nothing in rejden's post that suggests that his interest in diapers leaves him any less devoted to his potential wife. And none of us knows the details of their relationship, so I think it's pretty unfair to jump to the conclusion that "all of a sudden" he's to blame for liking diapers. He's been totally honest from the start.

No one is to blame if, for some inexplicable reason, they like diapers. And no one is to blame if, for some inexplicable reason, they feel repulsed by the idea of a partner wearing them. Part of any marital relationship should involve tolerance for each others "weaknesses" or foibles, but also being honest with each other (and themselves) about who they are and what makes them tick, and where their "hard limits" are.

None of us know the details, and none of us is in any position to cast judgement on such scant information, but... I think the only solution to the whole thing is to talk to each other. And work out if the futures that you want to live can be made to coincide with a few successful compromises or changes of heart... Bottling up emotions and feelings of resentment never ends well...

 

[lilshelly]

I know this would stop me in my tracks. As I feel it has been a big part of my life all my life. My husband tolerates it. I wear most of the time. The one place he has asked me not to wear is the bedroom. I can understand that because some people do see a little when they see the diapers. We compromise because he knows the emotional need for it.
I say go for some kind of compromise.

 

[littlemoosey]

She has pulled a chameleon on you. Most likely she was indulging you hoping that this side of you would disappear over time. It has not and will not... she is now using the only leverage she has left, that is to hold the relationship and the marriage hostage to your abstaining from diapers. She has probably known for a very long time she was not comfortable with this. This is as unfair as someone waiting till just before the wedding to tell their partner they are a diaper lover. The time, the emotional investment is there. It is a psychological gun to the head. I am just not sure if 3 months is enough time to Resolve this. After some counseling She may initially say it is fine, you both are in love with being in love and think it will just work. But she has already shown you her hand. This should not be something that you have to drag someone into. It just does not work well that way. Look at all the guys here that are hiding, that given the chance for a do over would have found an accepting partner. She has waited till it is immanent, isn’t that enough of a shot across the bow for you to totally re-evaluate this?

2 weeks prior to my marriage my wife’s minister dropped a religious nuke on me. (He did not like Catholics, so he told me he was going to read a statement prior to the ceremony disavowing the union) There was no way I could go into a life time commitment with that kind of bigotry (I was getting it form her parents as well) it was one of the more difficult things I ever did. Imagine looking at your fiancé, the one you love more than anything and telling her you are canceling the wedding 2 weeks out as tears run down her face. It was horrible. In the end it was the best thing I ever did. We still got married a couple of years later, but we were able to reign in the ugliness that ministers and relatives were showing us. We have been together 32 yers now and married over 25. But I knew I could not go into a lifetime commitment with a religious gun pointed at my head.

I am telling you from experience having a totally accepting partner is beautiful, it is so rewarding on so many levels. And I can also tell you from hanging out on these boards for the last 2 years the anguish the pain that partners feel when they are not accepted is palpable. I can feel it, I feel horrible for them. Don’t go into this hoping for the best. She has given you the opening to step back and re-evaluate. Take it before it is too late, you will regret it if you don’t.


I think you really need to step back, I’m sorry I am going against the tide here but she had more than enough time to let you know she is not comfortable with this; and the fact that she has waited till the last moment is emotional black mail. Imagine what can happen after the fact. You will be on the hook legally, and she can use this to crush you. It might hurt now, it will hurt 1000 x more a year from now.

Love does not conquer all, just look around on these forums.

I’m sorry, I wish you both strength and luck.

 

[rejden]

Thank you all very much for the valuable insight. I did not dream about so many people replying. Most of you gave a very good advice. Relationship counselling showed up more than once. I listened to the Love in Brief which was amazing. All in all, you all calmed me down and I hope I will have enough energy and patience to go into a heart to heart conversation and building the compromises that work for both of us.

It sounds like she was quite comfortable with it, many people don't even get acceptance at a level where your SO will diaper you, and then it just suddenly just ended

I was quite shocked by this but also not exactly surprised. I know she has a sort of love hate relationship with the diapers. She was mostly accepting, and I really think the wedding date coming is getting all our everyday problems bigger. You know - soon all of these will be bonded to us for a lifetime.

Not really any good solution, I think you can eventually try to find find a psychologists that can confirm that you need it in psychological way.

I cannot imagine seeking a psychologist's verification like this. I know I need them emotionally and probably the psychologist would come to a similar conclusion but if we are to get to any counselling, I would mostly state it as a fact. ... Reading this after myself comes to me as I am not open to discussion about needing them. But thrust me, I tried to end it so many times - I hated it every single time. I get easily distracted, my mind drifts to diapers all the time and I feel frustrated and not satisfied. I don't want anyone to tell me if I need it or not. I build acceptance for myself with this kink and it took me a long time - maybe that is what she is going through to an extent. I also wanted to stop, and she might feel it in the same way. The only bad thing here is that when I wanted to stop, it was me going through all these emotions and now she will only be a witness of things changing in me if I try this. Emotions are complicated and I am not sure if I can fully express the length of how much I need it and how deep it's connected to who I am as a human being.

Wow! That's a bit of a shocker.

I've heard a few stories where partners are accepting, then suddenly demand complete abstinence from diapers. I think a lot of people think it's "just a phase" that will just disappear -- if they let you indulge, you'll get bored of it, and will get over that phase... :-/

There's also the fantasy of "perfect love" we have in society -- things like love at first sight, people being "made for each other", the white wedding that has to be meticulously planned to perfection, and love stories that culminate in passionate lovers marrying and "living happily ever after". It's easy to look at others' marriages and assume that everything's perfect because people don't talk about the everyday irritations and compromises. Outsiders only seen the facade, not the reality.

I don't know if I have any good advice, as my experience with women is uh... limited.... but I totally understand where you're coming from. And your bravery and honesty with your partner is admirable -- I've always struggled (i.e. failed) to tell anyone about this side of me.

If I were you (and I'm not), I'd explain to your fiancee that you've been completely up-front and honest about liking diapers, and how hard you find it to go a long time without them... And, because you love and respect her so much, you don't want to make a promise to her that you know you won't be able to keep.

Maybe you could offer some compromises, if there are any you'd be happy to live with. Things like not wearing around her, or making sure you're covered up so it's not "in her face", or scheduling certain times as "diaper free", or whatever would work for you both...?

Perhaps explain how diapers help you unwind and recover from the stresses of life, enabling you to regain your focus and will help you to be a better husband... How everyone has emotional needs, and that you don't understand any more than she does why you'd have an emotional need for diapers, but you do. And that wearing diapers occasionally doesn't mean that you won't be able to meet your obligations as a husband, and to help fulfil her emotional needs too.

Also, I think it would help if you can try to see things from your fiancee's point-of-view. Why doesn't she want you wearing diapers? What is it that concerns her? Is it how you'd hide it from future kids as they grow up? Does it affect how she sees you in the bedroom? Is there anything you can do to address whatever fears she has, come to a compromise, and show her that she has nothing to be worried about...?

If you get stuck, relationship counselling can be a good way to get everything out in the open and have someone to help you both figure things out.

Sorry if this is all obvious stuff. My lack of experience with women suggests that I probably don't know what I'm talking about. But, good luck and best wishes to you.

Thank you very much for yout post I agree we need to understand each others point of view. I appreciate the advice and I wish you all the best at finding love

I don't think you have a 'situation' as much as you have a clear solution (a 'deal breaker') and SHE has presented it clearly to you. She can not abide your kink and yet you insist she occasionally indulge you with certain actions. She has the insight that you apparently don't. She sees that you've set aside a part of your life for diapers and not all of your life for her and she's being very direct and honest about it.

Thank you for this. I agree with a reply to you post, this is quite harsh. But it made me realize one thing - no matter how much I was talking about a break up, your post convinced me this is a stand that I absolutely don't want to take and want to work on this harder. Not sure how much this was your intention but thank you.

 

[trysexiea]

Thank you all very much for the valuable insight. I did not dream about so many people replying. Most of you gave a very good advice. Relationship counselling showed up more than once. I listened to the Love in Brief which was amazing. All in all, you all calmed me down and I hope I will have enough energy and patience to go into a heart to heart conversation and building the compromises that work for both of us.

I was quite shocked by this but also not exactly surprised. I know she has a sort of love hate relationship with the diapers. She was mostly accepting, and I really think the wedding date coming is getting all our everyday problems bigger. You know - soon all of these will be bonded to us for a lifetime.

I cannot imagine seeking a psychologist's verification like this. I know I need them emotionally and probably the psychologist would come to a similar conclusion but if we are to get to any counselling, I would mostly state it as a fact. ... Reading this after myself comes to me as I am not open to discussion about needing them. But thrust me, I tried to end it so many times - I hated it every single time. I get easily distracted, my mind drifts to diapers all the time and I feel frustrated and not satisfied. I don't want anyone to tell me if I need it or not. I build acceptance for myself with this kink and it took me a long time - maybe that is what she is going through to an extent. I also wanted to stop, and she might feel it in the same way. The only bad thing here is that when I wanted to stop, it was me going through all these emotions and now she will only be a witness of things changing in me if I try this. Emotions are complicated and I am not sure if I can fully express the length of how much I need it and how deep it's connected to who I am as a human being.


Thank you very much for yout post I agree we need to understand each others point of view. I appreciate the advice and I wish you all the best at finding love

Thank you for this. I agree with a reply to you post, this is quite harsh. But it made me realize one thing - no matter how much I was talking about a break up, your post convinced me this is a stand that I absolutely don't want to take and want to work on this harder. Not sure how much this was your intention but thank you.

Basically if she want you to stop using Diaper if you you need to be psychologically "stable" the only thing that she can have is Criticisms because this would obligatory break something on you. So if she don't accept and don't build any acceptable compromise with you, this surly create a lot of problem rapidly.

 

[Calico]

I know this would stop me in my tracks. As I feel it has been a big part of my life all my life. My husband tolerates it. I wear most of the time. The one place he has asked me not to wear is the bedroom. I can understand that because some people do see a little when they see the diapers. We compromise because he knows the emotional need for it.
I say go for some kind of compromise.

How can you be incontinent if he is telling you to not wear in the bedroom? That is cruel to tell someone to not wear their protection, what does he want you to do, piss all over him? Piss on the bedroom floor?

 

[qwertyqwerty]

Did she ever see you wearing? She feels like she cannot hide it from her friends anymore and most likely wants more attention. My guess is she tolerated it but not your getting married and she wants a more normal relationship...? What makes diapers “not normal? Society in general?

 

[trysexiea]

Did she ever see you wearing? She feels like she cannot hide it from her friends anymore and most likely wants more attention. My guess is she tolerated it but not your getting married and she wants a more normal relationship...? What makes diapers “not normal? Society in general?

Do "normal" thing really exist Haha ?

 

[lilshelly]

How can you be incontinent if he is telling you to not wear in the bedroom? That is cruel to tell someone to not wear their protection, what does he want you to do, piss all over him? Piss on the bedroom floor?

I wear mainly when I am out away from home. I can make it to the bathroom as long as I don't have to walk long distances to do so or have to worry about where the bathroom is when I go somewhere. I don't wear so much because of incontinence as I do because of my ability to walk long distances to the bathroom.