TabulaRasa2017
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 174
- Role
- Adult Baby
- Little
Hello my little friends,
I wanted to write down some thoughts I’ve had lately on my coming to accept being ABDL. Part of this is admittedly selfish – I need to write this to you for myself to feel validated. But I hope in some small way this may help those who are going through what I’ve been through and what I know so many of you already have in various ways. I’m going to write briefly about what I experienced in getting to acceptance. If you want to know my whole story, message me privately or read my other posts. I didn’t want to rehash everything I’ve already said – I wanted instead to reflect on some “new” thoughts about my personal journey with all of you. I thank you in advance for your indulgence.
My personal experience began in childhood and intensified when I realized my core sex drive was sparked by fantasies of wearing diapers and being babied by a nurturing mommy. I told myself this was nothing permanent and that I should think about other things and train myself out of this stuff. This wasn’t really me – I could overcome. I was going to stop.
My romantic relationships were few and most encounters with potential partners were stifled because I was afraid. I felt that my romantic relationships were being destroyed by my ABDL compunctions. Why couldn’t I just get over this? I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Why couldn’t I just be normal and why couldn’t “normal” sex replace this want? Damn it, I don’t need this.
Binge (the feelings and desires become too overwhelming to resist) and purge (I hate myself and what I’m doing and I hope to god no one ever finds out). I met someone I loved and married with the understanding that ABDL was to be out of sight, out of mind. With marriage, I convinced myself I could “balance” this part of me by hiding it as much as possible and doing what I wanted in secrecy. I couldn’t shake ABDL entirely, but if I did this stuff by myself and gave my partner what she wanted when we were together, it could work.
My pending divorce tells you all need to know – it didn’t work. For so long, I felt so very alone with all of this shame and guilt over my ABDL needs. When my marriage began to fall apart, I sought therapy assuming I would be given strategies for further burying my true needs to save my marriage. I was wrong. What I discovered instead is that we each speak a language of love and that mine is spoken through ABDL. A light went on: all my life I was looking for validation and love in its purest form from people who couldn’t speak my language.
I’ve arrived at a point in my life, middle-aged, where I finally, really get this. I don’t know if it makes sense to the rest of you but I swear for me I get it now: ABDL is a language of love, at least for me. If you really love me, then you will speak this to me. And I will learn your language. And if it turns out we can’t speak each other’s vulnerable core love language, then we can stop wasting each other’s precious time and free ourselves to find those who can. No judgement but no illusions.
I don’t have a partner yet. But I’ve been very happy and at ease for the first time in a very long time because now I don’t fight these feelings or feel that I have to do all of this in utter secrecy. I’m very happy because in being brave enough to acknowledge this part of who I am, I joined ADISC where I have felt incredibly validated and supported by all of you. I have found my community, my tribe.
To any of you still struggling with accepting this part of you, know you are not alone and that so many of us get what you’re going through in one way or another. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Know that you can’t find others and find the love and acceptance you really need without first accepting this in yourself. Be the real you and you will attract to you those who will truly understand and accept you. Nothing I’m saying is all that new or groundbreaking, and I used to roll my eyes at some of this “be you” stuff. But trust me, be you. You’re the only one who can and the world will be a better place for all of us if you do.
Thanks for reading. Be well.
I wanted to write down some thoughts I’ve had lately on my coming to accept being ABDL. Part of this is admittedly selfish – I need to write this to you for myself to feel validated. But I hope in some small way this may help those who are going through what I’ve been through and what I know so many of you already have in various ways. I’m going to write briefly about what I experienced in getting to acceptance. If you want to know my whole story, message me privately or read my other posts. I didn’t want to rehash everything I’ve already said – I wanted instead to reflect on some “new” thoughts about my personal journey with all of you. I thank you in advance for your indulgence.
My personal experience began in childhood and intensified when I realized my core sex drive was sparked by fantasies of wearing diapers and being babied by a nurturing mommy. I told myself this was nothing permanent and that I should think about other things and train myself out of this stuff. This wasn’t really me – I could overcome. I was going to stop.
My romantic relationships were few and most encounters with potential partners were stifled because I was afraid. I felt that my romantic relationships were being destroyed by my ABDL compunctions. Why couldn’t I just get over this? I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Why couldn’t I just be normal and why couldn’t “normal” sex replace this want? Damn it, I don’t need this.
Binge (the feelings and desires become too overwhelming to resist) and purge (I hate myself and what I’m doing and I hope to god no one ever finds out). I met someone I loved and married with the understanding that ABDL was to be out of sight, out of mind. With marriage, I convinced myself I could “balance” this part of me by hiding it as much as possible and doing what I wanted in secrecy. I couldn’t shake ABDL entirely, but if I did this stuff by myself and gave my partner what she wanted when we were together, it could work.
My pending divorce tells you all need to know – it didn’t work. For so long, I felt so very alone with all of this shame and guilt over my ABDL needs. When my marriage began to fall apart, I sought therapy assuming I would be given strategies for further burying my true needs to save my marriage. I was wrong. What I discovered instead is that we each speak a language of love and that mine is spoken through ABDL. A light went on: all my life I was looking for validation and love in its purest form from people who couldn’t speak my language.
I’ve arrived at a point in my life, middle-aged, where I finally, really get this. I don’t know if it makes sense to the rest of you but I swear for me I get it now: ABDL is a language of love, at least for me. If you really love me, then you will speak this to me. And I will learn your language. And if it turns out we can’t speak each other’s vulnerable core love language, then we can stop wasting each other’s precious time and free ourselves to find those who can. No judgement but no illusions.
I don’t have a partner yet. But I’ve been very happy and at ease for the first time in a very long time because now I don’t fight these feelings or feel that I have to do all of this in utter secrecy. I’m very happy because in being brave enough to acknowledge this part of who I am, I joined ADISC where I have felt incredibly validated and supported by all of you. I have found my community, my tribe.
To any of you still struggling with accepting this part of you, know you are not alone and that so many of us get what you’re going through in one way or another. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Know that you can’t find others and find the love and acceptance you really need without first accepting this in yourself. Be the real you and you will attract to you those who will truly understand and accept you. Nothing I’m saying is all that new or groundbreaking, and I used to roll my eyes at some of this “be you” stuff. But trust me, be you. You’re the only one who can and the world will be a better place for all of us if you do.
Thanks for reading. Be well.