by, 1 Day Ago at 18:32 (14 Views)
For a long time now, battling my BPD, that sense of feeling lost, feeling unwanted, unneeded, and generally feeling confused as to who or what I am has been a big part of my daily struggle. I remember explaining it to my wife as a story involving puzzle pieces.
In a jigsaw puzzle, each piece is unique yet still fairly similar to the other pieces. If I think of myself as a puzzle piece, where do I fit in? I've struggled for years to find the inherit value and talents in myself but found myself no more than an indescript doll. To me I can tell I'm somewhat like the others, same basic shape, same materials. But I look at the puzzle and it already looks complete. Further more, the patterns and colors of my piece are very obviously different.
This was what I was fighting in myself. Where do I go?? From the analogy above it seems rather obvious now. Much like Blind Melon's classic "No Rain" video with the bumblebee girl, I finally realized I was trying to fit into the wrong puzzle. Trying to force- fit wasn't going to work. My puzzle was elsewhere, waiting for me to find it.
I knew deep down inside who and what I am. And we ARE talking about the relevant interest, here. It scared me. Made me feel vile and disgusting and worse, in my eyes, everybody else in the community was also a deviant freak. So I didn't want anything to do with weirdos that are so open about it.
I'm sorry for those views now. That's mental conditioning I've been taking from too many normal puzzle pieces for too many years. I now see what courage it takes to come out and be yourself in this judgmental world we live in. And while the puzzle I fit into may not have been to my exact choices, I feel a soaring heart to have found it.