Plurality, having little headmates, trauma and diapers

[NinaAlex]

We're going to talk about a few things officially belonging to the psychiatric realm (autism, PTSD, being trans depression and plurality), although we only consider some of these a psychiatric disorder (PTSD, depression), the others that are diagnoses, are all things that are simply a fact of how our brain works.

I'm trying to reflect on these experiences, sometimes in some detail (TW: talk of suicide (no details), depression, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization as well as transition) and how they relate to our interest, and later need to wear diapers.

Out of these autism was the first one we had diagnosed, we had know we were depressed since before our first puberty hit. It's hard to miss, when you're feeling sad a lot of the time, and start thinking about ending your own life. We've actually not gotten a diagnosis of depression, until after we've been depressed for 25y, and the psychologists more or less went off out own evaluation of being depressed, probing for a few things, and quickly agreeing, yep, we were depressed, sometimes to a very worrying degree.

For years that one diagnosis, and that self diagnosis was our theory of why we felt like shit so often. Autism kind of gave us a way to fix some things, and while they helped improved things, they never really touched the deep wrongness we've always felt. It would take another eleven years until we finally accepted that we were trans.

But I'm skipping ahead here.

Back before we knew more than that we were depressed and suicidal from time to time (it's odd how one normalizes the regular urge to end ones life after a while), we started wearing diapers off and on. Partially because we liked the smooth crotch (not knowing why), partially because they helped a lot with a problem we have with not always noticing when we needed to go to the toilet, and partially because they just felt nice, and for some parts of us they just felt right.

We didn't really know about our little ones yet, but we know now that while we had them locked away, mostly because while the body ran on testosterone onlt those of us least effected by our emotions were not a danger to ourselves, they did get some impressions of what was going on, and had some influence here and there. To them, the diapers were incredibly reassuring, going back to a simpler time, before the trauma they carried. I'm sure their feelings definitely influenced us back then.

So after I knew about being autistic, and kind of allowed myself to be weird, and started giving up on ever being normal, and thus allowed myself to be 'not normal', I started wearing 24/7 at one point.
I had this more or less medical reason, where concentrating on something I would kind of dissociate from my body, and not notice my bladder. Only when it became painfully full, and I was about to have an accident, did I notice, and instincively I cramped my bladder shut. Once in the bathroom, with a toilet available it could take up to an hour to convice my bladder that, yes it's OK to empty now. I had been wearing diapers on and off whenever these episodes were more likely, but I could have them on a regular day, simply by being too into a book I was reading for fun.

So as I was doind my Masters, I started wearing 24/7. This completely solved that problem, helped with one aspect of gender dysphoria (I didn't know that name at the time, but it was clear I was hella dysphoric), freed up a lot of mental resources (that were checking on my bladder from time to time), and generally helped to calm aspects of my inner working that I know know to be my little headmates.

The thing is, with transition, we got access to our emotions, with that ADHD, PTSD and our plurality, that had been masked, became more apparent. But frequent dissociation, derealization and depersonalization got a LOT better, also transition put my depression into remission (after 25y of depression you don't really lose that diagnosis ever, partially because how easy it is for your brain to go back to "Oh, if it gets bad, you can always end yourself"). Back then, I simply couldn't see myself in the mirror. I always saw a dude that I knew should be me, but who I could never think of as me, and trying to do so was actually painful. I lived like that for about 25 years.

Well as we started to connect to our headmates, we realized that three of them are littles, with the smallest one being 2-3y old, and the other two being about 7 and about 11 years old. It's for Tina (our 2-3y old) that diapers are an important part of helping her be calm. Without them, she's very anxious, and that anxiety (like all emotions) are reflected into the system, and mildly affect all of us. But also the other two seem to be reassured about being in diapers. I guess to them it's something from the time when ther world was still all right, before the trauma.

They don't come out often, and only when they feel very safe, but doing childish things (like watching a particular childrens TV series from our childhood) can let them surface. I've noticed that when stressed, this stress would often make them stressed as well, and they'd need more reasuring moments, and actually leaning into bottle feeding, pacifiers and other childish things, definitely helped for those times. Nowadays, with better internal contact, I can often just interact with them in our internal world. They've actually built a small playground in there.

However since we've been wearing 24/7 for over 13 years now, our control is pretty much limited to being able to go for a little while without a diaper, if we concentrate on it (5-10 min after a shower work), or in situations where we usually don't need to pee anyways (sauna). Any other time, once we stop constantly paying attention, we'll suddenly wet ourselves without much control at all. We sometimes realize our diaper is definitely wet, half an hour after changing, and not remembering wetting it at all. We are surprised by suddenly peeing in the shower or in the bathtub. So, we don't think getting fully out of diapers, if we wanted to, would be something we could realistically archieve. Not that we want to. After 13y they have become very normal for us, as has wetting them without much consious control. Sometimes we notices as it happens, sometimes we don't.

However we suspect if we did plan to give them up, we'd have three little ones, with a ton of anxiety (not just about not wearing a diaper) to deal with, and likely more flash-backs and dissociation.
Diapers were also very ususeful for full dissociative episodes, because the worst ones (althought they are not too frequent) last 3-4h. While wet pants or a painful bladder could pull us out of dissociation, that simply wouldn't happen, since our body is so used to letting go, that we've dissociated with a dry diaper a couple of times, and were definitely not dry anymore after coming back out of dissociation. Also, we suspect if our littles wanted to, they could just switch in, or use milder dissociative states, to simply take over my bladder, and just keep wetting on automatic.

We don't really see any reason to get out of them again though, and we doubt we could. But since we've accepted diapers as a part of our lifes several years ago, they are here to stay.

 

[Woncrinklz]

Who was mostly speaking in this? Is this the main part of a fraction of some others of you or a portion of the part of an understood facet of your being you are relating to the most?
But I appreciate your post. There isn't anything to worry about when it comes to any particular concerns about how we see our littles or bigs in us, though. It's okay to meet all parts of ourselves through life. It's also normal to be concerned about worrying. Many parts of the whole make up the entire entity, thence you. Life, too; can be a mirror-maze of considerations and reflections of feelings, identity, self-realization, and changes to the whole as a part or as a portion. It's a life process we all undergo.

 

[NinaAlex]

Who was mostly speaking in this?

Well, it isn't always easy to tell. But I'd say it was mostly Nina, with some influence of Alex.
We both form a median subsystem of two in our system of six.
We don't differentiate as much, and are very similar in a lot of ways, and thus it can be hard to tell who of us something comes from, especially if it is something we don't really differentiate on very much.

Is this the main part of a fraction of some others of you or a portion of the part of an understood facet of your being you are relating to the most?

This can be very complicated, since we always influence each other, especially since we've started opening up to each other.
Usually thoughts that are not mine feel different, and at first it is weird having someone else push a thought towards you, or reading the others surface thoughts, but one gets used to that.
The concept of me gets a lot more complicated, because who am I in this case. I'm Nina, but there is also Alex here, present in the front, and some of the ideas, or ways to formulate what I am writing, may come from them.
Since I'm into computers a lot, I usually imagine this subsystem like a computer with two cores, they can do the same thing, working on different parts of the task at hand, but at times they can work on different things, or on different angles of a problem. Only in our sub-system, while each of us share most of our memories, emotions linked to those memories are stored in our own private memories. We usually have free access to each others emotional memories, but the distance makes it feel like something that happeened to someone else.

Now if we try to encorporate our whole system into this, I'd imagine it like a NUMA system (Non Uniform Memory Architecture). Here different computers (some CPU cores + Memory) are connected through a very high speed and bandwidth connection, this can be on one board, or inside different cases, to make up one supercomputer. Or I could imagine it as a network of different computers, each with their own memories, and a way to communicate and share data with each other. We feel the reality lies somewhere in between.
However, exchanging data within one NUMA node is a lot easier than between them. So while between Nina and Alex we have very few limitations on accessing each others memories, accessing those of the others isn't quite as easy. There are restrictions, sometimes we simply don't have the reference to find the memory (although external things, like having written down how we feel at the time, when we where co-consious with one of the others, can help access those parts of the memories.

We simply don't have access to some memories from the past, sometimes that's simply becuase we lack references to access them, sometimes that is because the others don't let us access them, which is usually because those are traumatic memories. However, some trauma triggers can cause involuntary access to these memories, so while one of the others is having a flash-back, the intense emotions are strong enough to push past all barriers, and we end up feeling emotions, without any (or very little) reference of what caused these emotions. These purely emotional flash-backs are harder to work through than those that come with pictures, sounds or various other memories attached to them, because reconstructing what happened, and working through it, can help process the trauma, and reducing flash-backs.

But I appreciate your post. There isn't anything to worry about when it comes to any particular concerns about how we see our littles or bigs in us, though. It's okay to meet all parts of ourselves through life.

We think the difference is, that as a system, our kiddies can actually do stuff while we're busy in the world. They sometimes build things in our inner world, or they watch what we are doing in the outer world and react to that. That's the reason we can't really watch horror movies anymore, because if we do, we'll be busy consoling and caring for our kiddies, when it comes time to go to bed, and it can mean a sleepless night, because a scared kid inside our head won't let us sleep.

It is interesting in some ways, because we have to actually take care of our kiddies, they have thoughts, ideas, preferences and believes that are their own, and we need to take care of them, be aware of their emotions, calming them when they are sad, afraid or anxious, and giving them room to express themselves when they are happy. It's tricky managing the needs of not just one person and one body, but six different persons sharing this one body.

It's also normal to be concerned about worrying. Many parts of the whole make up the entire entity, thence you.

That's the thing with plural systems, there is not one single me that aligns neatly with how others perceive it. Because there are six more or less independant consiousnesses in here. Some are tightly interwoven (like Nina and Alex), and often act as a single entity, but can, in some situations, react very differently from each other. Others have a lot of distance, and their own memories. When they are in control of the body, all we can do is watch, and talk to them. Tom is like this, when he takes control, it's usually because we've dissociated in a place where we are not safe, and his taking control kind of feels like he takes me out of the drivers seat, straps me into the back, and then does the driving. I can still see what is happening, if I pay attention to it, and I can talk to him, but I don't have any control.
But since I've come to trust my headmates (being able to read surface thoughts and unable to hide emotions and intentions from each other helps there), and Tom has only really done this when we others had needed help, this doesn't feel bad. It is incredibly helpful, for example when we dissociate far away from home, when something bad has triggered a really bad flash-back, and we really are not in a position to do much at the time, Tom will usually bring us back home. When this happenes at home, or in another safe place, he usually doesn't come to the front.

With our kiddies it's a bit different. They are usually to shy to come to the front, unless we encourage them. Watching certain programs that we used to watch throughout our childhood can pull them closer to the front, and if we (Nina and Alex) leave enough room (by mildly dissociating) they will sometimes come to the front with us. It's fascinating, because we've had that happen a few times while in the psych ward (open ward, voluntary stay), and other patients clearly noticed that it wasn't Nina or Alex who reacted to the show playing, but a small child. Some patients managed to tell apart Nina and Alex as well, it's kind of subtle at times, Nina usually uses a slightly higher register for her voice, while Alex uses a slightly lower one for their voice.

The two also have slightly different approaches to requesting things from others. Nina is polight, patient and would rather give up than becoming annoying, Alex is much more direct, and has little patience with people not doing their job, and will shout, in our old male voice, at people who's job it is to do something for us, but who make things more difficult than necessary. Usually we kind of coordinate with each other. Alex knows that their abrasive approach can really annoy people, so usually Nina is the one being polite and pacient at first. But when people are stubborn, or difficult for no reason, Alex will kind of push to the front (and Nina lets them, because it's a well working strategy), and confront them with being direct, calling out bullshit, and if needed, being a bit menacing and clearly showing how annoyed we are.

Life, too; can be a mirror-maze of considerations and reflections of feelings, identity, self-realization, and changes to the whole as a part or as a portion. It's a life process we all undergo.

Oh, yes, considerations and reflections, identity and self-realization. Our last three years were a time where a lot of that happened.
We had reflected on the state of our being, our bad mental health, and the fact that we were moving towards deeper depression, and why this was happening.
We had to consider taking steps, not to help with the problem itself, but to be able to even see the problem.
Once we were finally able to take our first glimpses of the problem, we didn't want to look, because it was an old problem that we had chosen to bury. Some aspects of it, together with how we saw ourselves where strong trauma triggers that we wanted to avoid. While we considered ourselves male, our innate femininity caused intense fear, because we were bullied for showing those aspects of ourselves.

But slowly we changed our perspective, stopped considering ourselves as male, but non-binary or agender. Once we stopped thinking of ourselves as male, we could explore our femininity without fear, and our of that came an incredible realization. This femininity that we've hidden and buried for decades was more in line with our identity, felt more natural, than the masculinity we've performed, but never really felt, for decades.

This process also unlocked our emotions, as well as unlocked the prison most of us were held in. It was mostly Tom and Alex who ran our body pre-transition. Parts of the person that is now Nina and Alex were locked up together with all the kiddies back then, because it was a part that was too emotional. This part, while still partially connected to Alex, started to develop on her own, while locked away. Nina felt and incorporated all the emotions that Alex locked away, and thus she developed differently in aspects where a lot of emotions are involved, but still stayed very similar to Alex where anything logical was involved.

Unlocking those parts, back then, was an eye opener. We went from surviving, only really living in a few happy moments here and there, to being alive and living our life most of the time, and only being in survival mode sometimes. Our life is so much richer, so much more real, so much more worth living now. Still, taking that step was a huge consideration for a time. Because we couldn't be certain that it would help, we couldn't be certain on how the people around us, and society is going to react to us, and because we simply couldn't even imagine how much better life would become with transition.

But since we've delayed transition so much, the alternative was very dark at that point. It's easy to take a step into the unknown, to jump into the unknown, if there is a fire behind you. We were at a point, where it was clear that going on like we had before, we only had a few years left to live, at most, before we'd decide that we can't take it anymore, and make the decision that not living is preferable than living with that constant growing pain of dysphoria. So we transitioned, and while some of our worst fears concerning how others react to it have come true, other people proved a lot more supportive than we had hoped. We found an incredible community, and it has improved our mental state in ways we couldn't have even imagined. A 25y constant depression just lifted away. Yes, it does come back, here and there, but very mildly compared to before, and only when life is very difficult, and we consider that quite normal.

 

[Woncrinklz]

Well! You gave me quite a lot to swallow! I enjoyed your input and work!

I don't know how to pull parts off in "highlight" from parts you wrote to follow the train of thought, as a means of referencing parts you wrote to comment on. I'm not computer savvy at all. I spent all my life riding horses, doing art, outdoor stuff like camping, fishing, etc....etc., and bucking the computer era as much as possible until I found out that the world kept asking me to "email them" or "scan or copy and send" things. I was pissed. So I ended up ordering another computer [to be made] that could do everything I needed from this technological world we are in now. It's this one I'm using now. $1,500.00 later computer! I'm doing the best I can. I don't have any kid to teach me all the crap going on now, my learning curve is slow and steady. So, sorry. Okay:

So, anyhow, I find your mind and story interesting. I can relate to all your portions of yourself, but I basically am who I am. It's interesting having separate identities, though. I found I'm not altogether the same person with other people as I am when home alone with myself. I basically shift my personality a touch to fit comfortably with each individual I am with so our communications are more smooth. Sometimes it's fun being with certain people over others depending on my mood because they bring that part of me out, may it be goofing around or serious or whatever. Some parts of me I can't match to anyone entirely, though, so I entertain myself instead. I've gone through traumas, too. But I have a photographic/movie monster-playback-memory-brain that replays everything from as far back as I can recall without anything deleted. I recall back to 2 or 3 years old. The other memories are devoid of words but with visual input, and I remember it all.
It's caused a need for medical intervention for PTSD after my mother died because I played back every nuance of her death with me over and over and over in my head. Her eyes that wouldn't close, her gasps...etc. I can't block it out. I'm not on meds. any longer, though. I'm way better.

As a comparison in my mind I had this thought when reading your story regarding transitions of inner people and actors:

I got to thinking about the things you explained (if I knew how to do that excerpt thing, I'd do it, but I don't know how) about different parts of your whole (for lack of better words) that look into situations and either sit back or commiserate together about particular situations interesting. It reminded me of "Hollywood" actors, any actor actually.
In Drama, a person studies and then becomes many different characters in order to enact or reenact characters in their roles successfully. I kinda consider actors "soul-searchers" who embody the many different variations or varieties of personalities to better learn and understand their own.
Embodying a totally different personality and actually carry the character successfully through the play is a talent. I know it doesn't compare to inner characters within the whole of a person, but it's very very interesting to me.
I feel life is so short, having the luck to actually live the life of so many different characters (like an actor can do) is really cool because it's like living a few or more lifetimes in one separate entity. I always wanted to get into drama to embody the various characters one can be, but I have a tendency to break out laughing too much when too serious, or even cry too easily because I am too spontaneous when with people. So, I stick to just being some kind of an extroverted-introvert with a creative imagination and a taste for the more colorful personalities on this earth throughout my life.

Thank you for your story. I really like this. I just wanted to clarify myself a bit. I hope I didn't cause confusion. I'm rather great at doing that!!!Oh, and I'm all for transitioning. It's a healthy and way-okay mindset in my belief structures. I understand and advocate for it or any facet of the internalization with this. I have close friends who have transitioned, some can't. It's expensive like crazy.

 

[NinaAlex]

I don't know how to pull parts off in "highlight" from parts you wrote to follow the train of thought, as a means of referencing parts you wrote to comment on.

There are really two options to do this.
The first way is to press reply (in the lower right corner of the post), and you'll get all the text. You can remove parts, or press 'Enter' to split the reply, so you can type in between the parts.
The other way is to highllight parts of what the other person wrote, and a little reply button should appear, pressing this will insert that text to reply to, at the cursor in the quick reply field at the bottom.

So, anyhow, I find your mind and story interesting. I can relate to all your portions of yourself, but I basically am who I am. It's interesting having separate identities, though. I found I'm not altogether the same person with other people as I am when home alone with myself. I basically shift my personality a touch to fit comfortably with each individual I am with so our communications are more smooth. Sometimes it's fun being with certain people over others depending on my mood because they bring that part of me out, may it be goofing around or serious or whatever. Some parts of me I can't match to anyone entirely, though, so I entertain myself instead.

That is quite normal, and one would say those are all aspects of your personality.
You wouldn't expect to have a different handwriting, or different gender identity, would you?
These are just examples of the larger, more noticable differences we've noticed.
But we do this too, on top of being severate people, we behave differently around some people compared to others, compared to being alone.

Now imagine those different aspects of yourselves would differentiate more, start haveing different preferences, and then imagine that you couldn't access each others memories as easily, that you'll only get fragments, with little to no emotions, or that you know you had a certain emotion, but simply cannot work out why, because it wasn't your emotion, you just shared it with someone else coming to the front, and without them, you lack the ability to access the memories of why you felt that way, unless you wrote it down when it happened.

I've gone through traumas, too. But I have a photographic/movie monster-playback-memory-brain that replays everything from as far back as I can recall without anything deleted. I recall back to 2 or 3 years old. The other memories are devoid of words but with visual input, and I remember it all.

Well, with autism, ADHD, and being plural, our memory is weird. Some things we can remember in great detail, like stepping into a VR simulation of the situation, and being able to walk around in it, pausing, playing back, and skipping to any point in time. Other memories are fragmented a lot, it's more like a bunch of photographs, or short second long video clips with a bit of sound, and a ton of emotions attached. Then there are times in our past that are holes, devoid of memory. For about 2½y in our past, we have only a few fragments that surfaced as flash-backs, over the decades. We know who holds those memories, but he is not willing to give us access. He tells us what we know, the horrible things that happened back then, are just the tip of the iceberg.

It's caused a need for medical intervention for PTSD after my mother died because I played back every nuance of her death with me over and over and over in my head. Her eyes that wouldn't close, her gasps...etc. I can't block it out.

That sounds like the curse of perfect memory.

I'm not on meds. any longer, though.

Well, even if you were, so what, if they help you, that's good.
I'm only on one daily psych medication, and that's Lisdexamphetamine. It helps with my ADHD, and is amphetamine, with a lysine (amino acid) added on, the body removes the lysine and releases the amphetamines. This insures a slow release, which greaty reduces the addiction potential.
Considering that I can just some days forget to take the stuff, and other than struggling hard to getting anything done that day, and being unable to control the chaos in my head again, I don't really feel any urge to take the stuff late in the day (which would make going to sleep regularly much harder).
The only other thing I do take is a short acting atypical neuroleptic, using the strong sedating effect this medication has to help me fall asleep. But 6-8h later, there is little to no effect left, since the drug has a half-life of 2-3h, and thus at most only ¼ to ⅙ of the dose is left in my system (3h half-life), but it could also be as low as only having ⅛ to a sixtenth of the dose left (2h half-life). I don't really notice much residual effect when waking up with not much sleep, but when I sleep a decent amount, or a few hours after waking from a short night of sleep, there is no effect left at all.

I'm way better.

That's good to hear.
Since for us it isn't one thing, but many, some of which are years of walking into traumatizing situations day by day, knowing we can't escape, this is much more complicated.
Some of the scars will likely never go away. The way we relate to other people has been changed irrevicably, because I find it hard to impossible to fully trust someone.

I got to thinking about the things you explained (if I knew how to do that excerpt thing, I'd do it, but I don't know how) about different parts of your whole (for lack of better words) that look into situations and either sit back or commiserate together about particular situations interesting. It reminded me of "Hollywood" actors, any actor actually.
In Drama, a person studies and then becomes many different characters in order to enact or reenact characters in their roles successfully. I kinda consider actors "soul-searchers" who embody the many different variations or varieties of personalities to better learn and understand their own.
Embodying a totally different personality and actually carry the character successfully through the play is a talent.

While some actors may actually use some techniques (tulpamancy) that will result in a form of plurality, usually they just put up an act.
There is one aspect of this comparison that really irks us, and that is, that we used to put up an act for most of our lives. We acted the role of being a man, acted the role of not being autistic. Both where not very good, but they successfully managed to hide the truth most of the time.
However having all your interactons filtered through a role you're playing, never expressing yourself, is something that has very detrimental effects on your mental health.
But even though we were putting up an act, there were at least two of us present during that time, and both were acting and playing those roles (with different levels of skill).

I know it doesn't compare to inner characters within the whole of a person, but it's very very interesting to me.

It's not really inner characters, but actually closer to full people.
While it may seem odd, these may have started out as fragments of our personality, who where responsible for handling traumatic events, allowing the others to just not have memories of those events, and thus be able to live more or less normally, despite going through trauma on a regular basis. For traumagenic systems like we are, it's a survival strategy. It usually arises when there are traumatic events very early in life.
For us it was likely nearly suffocating (due to asthma) on a regular basis as a toddler, and understanding that we could just die from this. Now that trauma is well processed, but our mind learned this survival strategy back then, and later, when traumatic things happened, an aspect was split off, to deal with it, and thus (over time) became a seperate person, with different memories and experiences.

If we were exposed to traumatic events nowadays, this could easily happen again.

While I do consider them to be people, with their own personality, not just aspects of one personality, they are a part of a whole, and we call that whole our system.
We do a lot of things as a system, and once good communication has been established, interesting things can emerge. We can have Tom drive, as the rest of us are discussing something. While taking full control is something the kiddies don't usually do, we can all sort of just take control of the subroutine that does the typing, and supply it with things to type. It's weird when someone else is supplying the words to be typed on the keyboard, because while I'm more or less in control in that moment, my hands are typing.

This is actually a process most people are familiar with. Just like most people are not completely controlling their hands consiously while typing, they just think about what to type, and the hands type, without having to think about it, just like one doesn't think about the mechanics of driving a car, one just wants to do an action, and the body more or less performs the needed steps without needing to think about them. The tool, in these examples the car, or the keyboard, become invisible at some point. We are so familliar with them, that they kind of disappear from our perception. We are thinking about the words, and our hands type, close to automatically, we think what we want the car to do, and our hands move the steeting weel, and our feet press the accellerator or breaks without needing to think about it. In a way, the interface we use disappears, and using it becomes fully subconsious.

Interestingly enough it is much easier for our headmates to supply the information to one of these processes, so they can type, by supplying the words, and using the muscle memory that will convert those words into keypresses on the keyboard, or they supply the intent for moving the car in a certain way, and our body just performs the familiar actions to the cars controls.

I feel life is so short, having the luck to actually live the life of so many different characters (like an actor can do) is really cool because it's like living a few or more lifetimes in one separate entity.

Well, life is short, and it's even shorter if you have been locked up, in your own mind, for a couple of decades, because the hormones running through your body made the emotions you have dangerous. I understand now, that there was no choice. I was a danger to ourselves and others back when testosterone was the dominant hormone, because being emotional was dangerous back then. So I got locked up. I've only really been alive for the 12y of childhood before being locked up, and the last 2½y. I have access to memories of the quarter century in between, but they are not mine. So, while I feel like I'm in my late 20s, I'm really only 14-15y old, while this body is 40y old.

Many of us have a similar problem, some pull away from the front so much that they stop existing (Tom does this), others had been locked away for a quarter century. None of us have been here for the full 40y of life.

I always wanted to get into drama to embody the various characters one can be, but I have a tendency to break out laughing too much when too serious, or even cry too easily because I am too spontaneous when with people. So, I stick to just being some kind of an extroverted-introvert with a creative imagination and a taste for the more colorful personalities on this earth throughout my life.

We didn't choose what 'characters' we live with. On first glance, we don't really fit together very well, and have different, sometimes clashing aestetics, but we don't really get a choice. We're in this together, and we cannot get away from each other. Being able to read each others thoughts and intentions helps, because it allows us to trust each other, and we've quickly learned to cooperate. But still, there are three children running around in my head, looking through my eyes and listening with my ears (if I want them to or not). They understand whatever I understand, so the 3y old knows about quantum mechanics, how nuclear weapons work, and so on, but she has the emotions of a three year old. One doesn't have to imagine that this can be problematic.

 

[Woncrinklz]

What a magnificent reality you have! I think your reality is really cool! Maybe others wouldn't, but I entirely understand..(Thinking to myself...uh-oh!...But F-everyone!) I for reasons I can't really explain here entirely actually do understand you and the "manys" within. I just have a dilemma balancing my mind's teachings with the honest and spontaneous reality of the human mind.
I know the many people in me, and I love them all. I have a tendency to have the "butthead" part, but all and all, despite the many people in my head I navigate with, I am the creature I am. I still think everyone is like that. I can't imagine anyone NOT having many portions to one's self. I couldn't imagine a person just being one person. Some dull-lived being on remote control. It scares me to think the average person is on "auto-pilot" with their one identifiable situation. What a waste of life!!!

I am an artistic-minded creature, so I am everything that rocks me. I waiver, I blend, I feel, I do whatever...so long as I don't cause harm in any way, of course. I like getting people to play, be spontaneous, etc., because we are here for such a short amount of time. This has led me to isolate myself. I can't find willing playmates at my age at 50+ (yikes), but I have a love for laughter and love getting a willing and open-minded person who is able to enjoy laughing and even talk intelligently (I enjoy you, by the way), but it is hard the older one gets. People fizzle-out after they have had enough with whatever they had enough of in their years. I still want to play.

I appreciate your commiserating with me. I really do! I like your head!

Oh, thank you for helping educate me on this damn computer. Tomorrow, I'll practice. I am doing crazy things in my home now that has taken a huge portion of my mind away. I'll explain later...(?)...

 

[NinaAlex]

I just wanted to clarify myself a bit. I hope I didn't cause confusion. I'm rather great at doing that!!!

Don't worry, being autistic, causing confusion is something we can do rather well as well, usually without even trying.
But if there is confusion, usually it can be solved by talking about it.

Oh, and I'm all for transitioning. It's a healthy and way-okay mindset in my belief structures. I understand and advocate for it or any facet of the internalization with this. I have close friends who have transitioned, some can't. It's expensive like crazy.

Thanks. It is unfortunate that people have to specify this, but with the hatemongering going on, it seems necessary.
Good thing here, transition isn't expensive, but is (supposed to be) covered by insurance. Only problem, they try to get out of paying for surgery, by going on about psychiatric diagnoses

What a magnificent reality you have! I think your reality is really cool! Maybe others wouldn't, but I entirely understand..(Thinking to myself...uh-oh!...But F-everyone!) I for reasons I can't really explain here entirely actually do understand you and the "manys" within. I just have a dilemma balancing my mind's teachings with the honest and spontaneous reality of the human mind.
I know the many people in me, and I love them all. I have a tendency to have the "butthead" part, but all and all, despite the many people in my head I navigate with, I am the creature I am. I still think everyone is like that. I can't imagine anyone NOT having many portions to one's self. I couldn't imagine a person just being one person. Some dull-lived being on remote control. It scares me to think the average person is on "auto-pilot" with their one identifiable situation. What a waste of life!!!

Apparently most people are singlets, one single person, who may put on different masks around different people and in different environments, but essentially one single person. It's also something we can't really imagine, because plurality can be incredibly useful at times, like solving problems, we can usually analyse the problem from many angles in parallel, and quickly find a solution.

I am an artistic-minded creature, so I am everything that rocks me. I waiver, I blend, I feel, I do whatever...so long as I don't cause harm in any way, of course.

While some of us are more logic driven, others are very emotion driven. Some of us are barely affected by emotions, like Tom, who can just step in when we others are overwhelmed by emotions. Alex is also more logic driven, but does have, feel and understand emotions, and they take emotions into consideration when making decisions. Nina is definitely more emotional than Alex, and we feel like she has a good balance of being emotional, and being logical. The kiddies are even more emotional, and unfortunately they are hyperempathic. That means their empathy is a lot stronger than in most people. This may actually another possible reason for why we are plural, because with that hyper empathy, we wouldn't be able to live our life. So shielding the kiddies from some things, so as not to trigger that strong empathy, is a very important survival strategy.

I like getting people to play, be spontaneous, etc., because we are here for such a short amount of time.

I'm not really spontaneous, unless it's a planned kind of spontaneous.

This has led me to isolate myself. I can't find willing playmates at my age at 50+ (yikes), but I have a love for laughter and love getting a willing and open-minded person who is able to enjoy laughing and even talk intelligently (I enjoy you, by the way), but it is hard the older one gets. People fizzle-out after they have had enough with whatever they had enough of in their years. I still want to play.

I don't think age should matter all that much. Our body is 40y old, we've got knowlege and experience that matches that (at least in some areas), and due to being unable to ever reach some milestones before transition, and others until after surgery, in those aspects our experience falls beind many teenagers. None of us feels less than 10y younger than the body really is. We're going through puberty right now. Have been since we were 37½y old, and probably will for another 3-4y. So we're not exactly doing things in an order that would match up with age.

We can't really relate with people our (bodies) age, we can usually only relate to people younger than our body by at least a decade, and some people older than our body, usually also by at least a decade.

Trying to find love will be tricky, unless we find someone else as out of touch with their age as we are, or someone who doesn't care if their partner is 10-15y older.

I appreciate your commiserating with me. I really do! I like your head!

We're doing our best. Well, while it is far from normal, I've come to like how our mind works as well.
There are only a few aspects that are a bit annoying (like flash-backs that don't make sense).

Oh, thank you for helping educate me on this damn computer. Tomorrow, I'll practice.

No problem, I'm happy to help.

I am doing crazy things in my home now that has taken a huge portion of my mind away. I'll explain later...(?)...

Now I'm getting curious.

 

[Woncrinklz]

Don't worry, being autistic, causing confusion is something we can do rather well as well, usually without even trying.
But if there is confusion, usually it can be solved by talking about it.


Thanks. It is unfortunate that people have to specify this, but with the hatemongering going on, it seems necessary.
Good thing here, transition isn't expensive, but is (supposed to be) covered by insurance. Only problem, they try to get out of paying for surgery, by going on about psychiatric diagnoses


Apparently most people are singlets, one single person, who may put on different masks around different people and in different environments, but essentially one single person. It's also something we can't really imagine, because plurality can be incredibly useful at times, like solving problems, we can usually analyse the problem from many angles in parallel, and quickly find a solution.


While some of us are more logic driven, others are very emotion driven. Some of us are barely affected by emotions, like Tom, who can just step in when we others are overwhelmed by emotions. Alex is also more logic driven, but does have, feel and understand emotions, and they take emotions into consideration when making decisions. Nina is definitely more emotional than Alex, and we feel like she has a good balance of being emotional, and being logical. The kiddies are even more emotional, and unfortunately they are hyperempathic. That means their empathy is a lot stronger than in most people. This may actually another possible reason for why we are plural, because with that hyper empathy, we wouldn't be able to live our life. So shielding the kiddies from some things, so as not to trigger that strong empathy, is a very important survival strategy.


I'm not really spontaneous, unless it's a planned kind of spontaneous.


I don't think age should matter all that much. Our body is 40y old, we've got knowlege and experience that matches that (at least in some areas), and due to being unable to ever reach some milestones before transition, and others until after surgery, in those aspects our experience falls beind many teenagers. None of us feels less than 10y younger than the body really is. We're going through puberty right now. Have been since we were 37½y old, and probably will for another 3-4y. So we're not exactly doing things in an order that would match up with age.

We can't really relate with people our (bodies) age, we can usually only relate to people younger than our body by at least a decade, and some people older than our body, usually also by at least a decade.

Trying to find love will be tricky, unless we find someone else as out of touch with their age as we are, or someone who doesn't care if their partner is 10-15y older.


We're doing our best. Well, while it is far from normal, I've come to like how our mind works as well.
There are only a few aspects that are a bit annoying (like flash-backs that don't make sense).


No problem, I'm happy to help.


Now I'm getting curious.

I'm attempting to help create life. I ordered some eggs to hatch in an incubator, and I have absolutely done every scientific thing my GOD-GIVEN MIND CAN DO. (laughing). I actually shed a tear yesterday because the INTERNET said they should have hatched by day 22 or 23. NOTHING., So, I actually cried! I'm trying to hatch Partridges, which take a longer cycle. I felt awful. But this morning, before I wrote to you, I looked into the incubator, which I have to add water to and control the temperature, I saw what is called a "pip". A poke-hole to the egg. I am hoping it all goes well. I feel powerless. I have to just make sure all the temperatures are right (?) and the humidity is right, then wait. If and when anything shows, MY GOD I will sleep sooooo long!!! So far, 2 eggs "pipped". (poke-holes). They say (' ") it takes even up to a day for them to emerge, but it's LOCKDOWN now. No touching. No disturbing. No nothin' unless to add water to the incubator for humidity. So, I appreciate talking with you, plus I want to ask you on a PM. If you don't want to, it's okay. As I said, I enjoy your input.

 

[NinaAlex]

I'm attempting to help create life. I ordered some eggs to hatch in an incubator, and I have absolutely done every scientific thing my GOD-GIVEN MIND CAN DO. (laughing). I actually shed a tear yesterday because the INTERNET said they should have hatched by day 22 or 23. NOTHING., So, I actually cried! I'm trying to hatch Partridges, which take a longer cycle. I felt awful. But this morning, before I wrote to you, I looked into the incubator, which I have to add water to and control the temperature, I saw what is called a "pip". A poke-hole to the egg. I am hoping it all goes well. I feel powerless. I have to just make sure all the temperatures are right (?) and the humidity is right, then wait. If and when anything shows, MY GOD I will sleep sooooo long!!! So far, 2 eggs "pipped". (poke-holes). They say (' ") it takes even up to a day for them to emerge, but it's LOCKDOWN now. No touching. No disturbing. No nothin' unless to add water to the incubator for humidity.

That sounds like a fascinating project.
Had to look up partridge, but yep, I know what kind of bird it is now.
Best of luck for the baby birds to hatch.

So, I appreciate talking with you, plus I want to ask you on a PM. If you don't want to, it's okay. As I said, I enjoy your input.

Feel free to PM me. Thanks for asking.

 

[Woncrinklz]

That sounds like a fascinating project.
Had to look up partridge, but yep, I know what kind of bird it is now.
Best of luck for the baby birds to hatch.


Feel free to PM me. Thanks for asking.

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I love this music, but I found this song touching just some of the subject matter. Catchy.It is a fun song. But to say, I know so many people are part of evry soul based on who they met, we take everyone inside our hearts. I think it's life.

 

[NinaAlex]

I love this music, but I found this song touching just some of the subject matter. Catchy.It is a fun song. But to sayThat, I know so many people are part of evry soul based on who they met, we take everyone inside our hearts. I think it's life.

Oh, that song takes me back. Late 90s, last years of school, and early university.
It's weird how, while this wasn't really a good time in my life, I was quite depressed, most music often just brings back the positive. Except for a few songs, associated with those 2½y of hell in the mid 90s.
Maybe it's because although Tom and Alex did suppress their emotions, and everyone else with them, the music still came through.

We remember that listening to the right music was the only time, we could connect even a little bit. It's how they could feel a small amount of emotion.

The problem I have, is that it is incredibly hard for me to really connect to most people. The most notable exception being other autistic people, I connect with them incredibly quickly. But non-autistic people? It usually takes a long time. Also due to our trauma, there is always that suspicion, always that bit of mistrust, and not being able to read the other persons non-verbal cues, knowing how they feel, without words, makes it so much harder to silence that suspicion.

I had that song as an MP3-File back in the late 90s.