Hiring a Caregiver?

[BDDan]

I've never had any problems with Craigslist, although I've only found a handful of sitters there. I think what we're looking for is quite tame in comparison to many who post. For example, I quite often see someone wanting a nude housekeeper.

I write a very nebulous initial post, and to those who respond with more than a word or two, I write a somewhat longer response. I first build credibility by telling them a little about myself, then tell them I'm an infantilist and explain the care I'm seeking. I wrap up the response by asking them to let me know if they have questions or interest.

One important point: I never mention diapers in the original post or the response. In fact, I make a habit of not mentioning diapers at all unless the lady brings them up. I might tell her I have a crib and a highchair, for example, but I n-e-v-e-r mention she'll be changing diapers until she asks.

On Craigslist, in particular, you're far more likely to receive 'spam' responses, either from women who are nowhere near you or from cyberstalkers or criminals with no one else to target. I always ask in the original post for some background - experience, education, etc. - and if I don't get it in their reply, I typically do not respond. Also beware of women who send their photo to you in their first reply; usually, they are spammers as well.

Unfortunately, the current generation of women are more apt to respond with a '?' than with a complete sentence. I usually have enough replies that I don't have to answer those who can't even manage a syllable.

Thank you. Especially for the spammer heads up. My respondent sent her resume, with a cover letter. I googled her and found her on LinkedIn, her response matched her LinkedIn profile (she seems to be innocent, small, and in her 30's), she is an International Student from India working on her Masters in Vancouver in Global Health. Was a registered nurse in India and abroad, but her credentials don't transfer to Canada I guess, which is why she is a student. She has about a year of experience locally looking after elderly, but no childcare experience. Based on my Craigslist post, and after re-reading it, I think she may think I am a disabled 40 year old. I did mention Incontinence (diapers) in my post. It comes across as a pretty legitimate ad (I do take pride in my professional writing). I do mention I'm looking for a care giver/nanny, and I'm looking for someone with Adult & Child Care experience, and it is not "Illegal, Immoral, or fattening"

She is still the only respondent after 18 hrs (which may or may not be usual, I don't know for my market). I guess I am now worried that my ad was too vague and emailing her back about being an Infantalist has me worried. I don't want to ruin her innocence/good intentions. I'm wondering now if I should edit the ad to be a little less subtle. And/or if I should respond to her with my actual intentions. I do agree the work isn't too bad in comparison to their regular gig. Just don't want to come across as a perv (maybe that's just me not totally having come to terms with myself).

 

[sbmccue]

The real challenge for her will be providing child-like care to an adult. That's always a problem with anyone who's had any eldercare experience; they are so 'locked in' to the mindset of providing dignity and respect (which are good things in and of themselves) that treating an adult like a toddler is always very difficult for them.

I would probably delete the references to 'caregiver/nanny' and 'incontinence' in your initial post. Those are likely the reasons your response rate has been so low to this point.

Once you establish a dialogue with someone, even via email, you can be a little more forthright. Almost any woman can handle the care we need; the challenge is getting them to the point where they are mentally willing to try. I've found that a nebulous post - something that sparks curiosity - gets women to respond who likely would not answer a more straightforward ad. I don't have a problem providing all the information they need to make a decision, but I want to avoid the tendency to help people prejudge and decide what I want isn't for them.

 

[BDDan]

The real challenge for her will be providing child-like care to an adult. That's always a problem with anyone who's had any eldercare experience; they are so 'locked in' to the mindset of providing dignity and respect (which are good things in and of themselves) that treating an adult like a toddler is always very difficult for them.

I would probably delete the references to 'caregiver/nanny' and 'incontinence' in your initial post. Those are likely the reasons your response rate has been so low to this point.

Once you establish a dialogue with someone, even via email, you can be a little more forthright. Almost any woman can handle the care we need; the challenge is getting them to the point where they are mentally willing to try. I've found that a nebulous post - something that sparks curiosity - gets women to respond who likely would not answer a more straightforward ad. I don't have a problem providing all the information they need to make a decision, but I want to avoid the tendency to help people prejudge and decide what I want isn't for them.

Thanks again man. I really appreciate your help on this. I replied to my respondent saying the position has been filled temporarily (by a friend of friend, offering their services for free), but told her I would keep her resume on file, as I think it might change (white lie). I did ask her what wage she is looking for, and if she is ok with babysitting a 40 year old, as that is more what the job entails. Gives her the ability to judge the situation and respond but also makes her feel she didn't miss out on something that she may not have been interested in any way. I made a point of mentioning the relationship asked for would be platonic and professional.

I made the changes to the add you suggested. I am also wondering if the COVID thing is also a possibility to low respondents. Here is Craigslist ad I have posted currently. Would love to know you're thoughts or any more suggested edits:

Title: In Search of Nursing Student or CNA for Unusual Part-time Work

Position: Care Worker for Middle Aged Man

Seeking an English speaking, female with both adult and childcare experience.

Job duties: Personal care for a 40 year old, Caucasian, male, drug and disease free. This includes, but is not limited to, such duties as meal preparation, dressing, bathing, and light cleaning/laundry/vacuuming. Mainly companionship and caring support.

Positive, cheerful working environment. Ideal for someone wishing to gain experience or a retired nurse looking for some extra money.

Terms of employment: part-time, ~4-6 hrs once a week Saturday or Sunday preferred or weekday evenings.

Employer type: Private household

Wage: $20-$35 per hour based on experience.

Location: Lower Lonsdale area of North Vancouver.

Skill requirements: Some experience with both adult and child care, open heart and mind.

Security and Safety:
Basic security clearance, Criminal record check. Please do not reply to this advertisement unless you are IN CANADA AND LEGALLY AVAILABLE TO WORK.

Additional information:
The work is not hard and involves "nothing illegal, immoral or fattening."

Please email inquiries and/or apply by email with attached resume or qualifications. Email confirmation will be provided, initial interview via email and in-person interview will follow.

 

[sbmccue]

I'm unsure what effect COVID-19 will have on respondents (or lack thereof) since I haven't tried since the pandemic began.

I understand that Canadian Craigslist postings may be substantially different than the United States variety, but I still think you're providing too much 'interview' information. All the post needs to do is pique interest ... nothing more. Any aim other than that is a distraction to potential respondents because they will 'prejudge' the job. Here's what I typically post in the 'Domestic' section of 'Gigs' - understanding that the section may be different up there.

ISO Nursing Student, Nanny or Frustrated Actress

XX-ish male seeking female healthcare worker with adult and childcare experience for well-paying part-time private duty job.

CNA or nursing student with substantial adult caregiving and childcare background preferred, but will train the right person.

Work is not hard and involves nothing illegal, immoral or fattening. Very competitive hourly rate.

Depending on where you're posting, the "Job Duties," "Terms of Employment," "Employer Type," "Security and Safety" sections and so on may be required. You want to avoid all that if you can. I realize that some analytical or overly-conservative folks may think all this information is necessary ... but it's not. In a very real sense, all you're interested in is getting someone to respond. Once they do, you can provide all the "interview" information they ask for prior to a face-to-face meeting

All the extraneous material in your ad is, frankly, a distraction. I can see now why you've had limited response.

This is a private message I received from another member who posted what I told him. The grammar and word choices are his; I've edited nothing:

Just wanted to let you know that your advice work perfectly. I contacted 4 sitters two were today and both replied. I told them what I needed as far as care goes and the second sitter told me she would be happy to help me out with babysitting me. She asked to met with me and we met tonight. She was so excited to see how much this would mean to me. She is coming over net Friday evening. Thanks again for all your advice and help.

 

[BDDan]

Ah. Thank you wise master! I will probably delete and re-post a new one. I am currently posting under the Healthcare Jobs listing in Craigslist "gigs".

 

[Iamnotarobot]

If there's no sexual activity implied or involved, having someone provide caregiving services isn't illegal. There's no provision in the law (at least, not in the United States) that makes it a crime to solicit care when there's not actually a medical need. If you're soliciting sex, of course, that's another matter.

Depending on where you look for caregivers, it's certainly possible that you will receive negative replies. Caregiver sites like Care.com have very restrictive Terms of Service and, if a member complains, they'll cancel your membership.

Over the past 35 years, I've averaged a positive response for every 2 to 3 prospective babysitters I've contacted. If I'm just responding to, say, a post on a jobs board, that ratio might go down to 1 out of 5 or 6.

Typically, older women and younger women are more receptive. A woman who is in her late 30s or 40s with several children might not be particularly enthused about the job. My current caregiver is in her early 30s; my last nanny was 28 and the one previous to her was 65.

I have not had much luck approaching 'real' nannies. My current caregiver is a nurse in real life, but has also been a nanny for triplet newborns. The two ladies before her had no adult care experience at all. The 28-year-old has a brother-in-law who is an AB, and she was able to watch her sister care for him before she ever came to care for me. Obviously, that's exceedingly rare. Childcare professionals seem to take a dim view of infantilists, for whatever reason.

I can usually tell whether someone will 'work out' long-term after one session. 'Geriatric role-play' is certainly a problem with anyone who's had formal nursing training. Treating an adult as a toddler does not come naturally for most women. Some have physical limitations (too overweight, for example) that make cuddling or bottle-feeding a real challenge.

If the sitter has had no previous adult care experience, I try to have another sitter on hand to show her the mechanics involved. I realize this is difficult for most ABs to manage, but it's often the only way someone without caregiving experience will feel comfortable with the situation.

I think 'genuine' caring comes with time and familiarity. Do not expect a first-time babysitter to be particularly 'genuine.' They'll more likely be anxious and somewhat apprehensive, which is as it should be. 'Genuine' caring requires trust, which in turns requires time and engagement.

I've had nearly 20 babysitters; 6 have been one-timers. Either they or I decided they just weren't a good fit.

A premium hourly rate is almost expected. I typically pay $25 to $35 per hour, depending on the caregiver and her experience. I recently turned down an offer to babysit from a young lady who wanted $50 per hour; she did have adult care experience and has a newborn at home, but I just felt the work was too easy to merit that rate of pay.

If anything, I'm guilty of cancelling more often than the babysitter. That's due to my schedule and work conflicts. Most women find that they genuinely enjoy the work, that the money is 'easy,' and are eager to babysit again and again.

I think how 'good' a job a babysitter does is directly proportionate to her experience. A first-time session is almost always going to fail to live up to expectations.

Every sitter I've had has bathed me, given me bottles, and checked my pants to see if I needed changing. That's just part of the job.

Two or three sitters have had a 'hard limit' with dirty diapers, but they were the exceptions. Most are initially concerned about breastfeeding, which isn't something I'm interested in having provided.

I try to schedule a four-hour session each time. I find that much longer than that creates boredom for both the sitter and I.

I hope that helps!

"The 28-year-old has a brother-in-law who is an AB, and she was able to watch her sister care for him before she ever came to care for me."

Not to jump into the thread uninvited, but I found this bit absolutely fascinating. I don't know many women who would allow someone (let alone family) into something as private and intimate as ABDL play. Did this woman tell you anything else about these interactions she had with her brother-in-law? How she felt about it, what she learned from the experience, how her sister viewed her being there while it was going on, whether she interacted with him in any way? I was just curious because I don't even think I've ever read about a family dynamic quite as unique as that. If you don't want to bother replying, thank you anyways.

 

[sbmccue]

I don't mind replying, but I don't know much of the story beyond what I related.

The young woman who babysat me lived with her older sister and her sister's husband, and kept finding adult cloth diapers in the laundry.

When she asked her sister, her sister told her the truth. When the young lady told her sister about our conversations, her sister said, "Oh, you have to do this! You're perfect!"

My understanding is that she watched her sister "babying" her brother-in-law for a couple of hours one Sunday afternoon before babysitting me for the first time. I've no idea what she saw or what the couple did, and I had a former nanny on hand to show this young lady the mechanics of caring for me. So I'm not able to judge what the young lady knew about caregiving and what she didn't.

I do know that she was probably the best babysitter I've had in 35 years, and I miss her deeply.

 

[WanderingToddler]

I find this thread to be truly fascinating. I would have never considered doing something like this, but it makes perfect sense.

 

[littlemoosey]

I don't mind replying, but I don't know much of the story beyond what I related.

The young woman who babysat me lived with her older sister and her sister's husband, and kept finding adult cloth diapers in the laundry.

When she asked her sister, her sister told her the truth. When the young lady told her sister about our conversations, her sister said, "Oh, you have to do this! You're perfect!"

My understanding is that she watched her sister "babying" her brother-in-law for a couple of hours one Sunday afternoon before babysitting me for the first time. I've no idea what she saw or what the couple did, and I had a former nanny on hand to show this young lady the mechanics of caring for me. So I'm not able to judge what the young lady knew about caregiving and what she didn't.

I do know that she was probably the best babysitter I've had in 35 years, and I miss her deeply.

Change is not always for the best is it? Here's hoping in the future you find a nice surprise out there somewhere.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

I'm unsure what effect COVID-19 will have on respondents (or lack thereof) since I haven't tried since the pandemic began.

I understand that Canadian Craigslist postings may be substantially different than the United States variety, but I still think you're providing too much 'interview' information. All the post needs to do is pique interest ... nothing more. Any aim other than that is a distraction to potential respondents because they will 'prejudge' the job. Here's what I typically post in the 'Domestic' section of 'Gigs' - understanding that the section may be different up there.

ISO Nursing Student, Nanny or Frustrated Actress

XX-ish male seeking female healthcare worker with adult and childcare experience for well-paying part-time private duty job.

CNA or nursing student with substantial adult caregiving and childcare background preferred, but will train the right person.

Work is not hard and involves nothing illegal, immoral or fattening. Very competitive hourly rate.

Depending on where you're posting, the "Job Duties," "Terms of Employment," "Employer Type," "Security and Safety" sections and so on may be required. You want to avoid all that if you can. I realize that some analytical or overly-conservative folks may think all this information is necessary ... but it's not. In a very real sense, all you're interested in is getting someone to respond. Once they do, you can provide all the "interview" information they ask for prior to a face-to-face meeting

All the extraneous material in your ad is, frankly, a distraction. I can see now why you've had limited response.

This is a private message I received from another member who posted what I told him. The grammar and word choices are his; I've edited nothing:

Just wanted to let you know that your advice work perfectly. I contacted 4 sitters two were today and both replied. I told them what I needed as far as care goes and the second sitter told me she would be happy to help me out with babysitting me. She asked to met with me and we met tonight. She was so excited to see how much this would mean to me. She is coming over net Friday evening. Thanks again for all your advice and help.

Sbmccue , I understood the main ideia is to avoid being prejudged so you can make an ''interview'' , but the part of Frustrated actress isn't too suspecious , for example , for someone prejudge you ?

 

[sbmccue]

Sbmccue , I understood the main ideia is to avoid being prejudged so you can make an ''interview'' , but the part of Frustrated actress isn't too suspecious , for example , for someone prejudge you ?

Is there a question here? If so, perhaps you could re-state it so I can understand it.

I use the term “frustrated actress” because many women seem to identify with it.

You don’t have to use anything at all, if you don’t like. No one is holding a gun to your head.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

hahahaha . Yes It was , sorry I'm not american , so sometimes I have some issues in expressing my self , but I'm always practicing in order to improve my english level . What I asked is if someone may prejudge you if you use the term "frustrated actress" it sounds funny . Sorry , and thanks for your attention

 

[sbmccue]

Using "frustrated actress" seems to help locate women who can handle the role-play involved in big baby care, which is why I use it.

But again, you don't have to use it ... "Nursing Student or CNA" will work well enough. Having had a number of nurse-type caregivers, I was interested in widening the spectrum a bit, and this phrase seemed to do the trick.

I actually started using "frustrated actress" when I lived in a major theater town. I had relatively few responses prior to adding it, but the floodgates opened after I did. At one point, I had more interested women than I could track ... I had to develop a spreadsheet just to keep tabs on the responses and face-to-face meetings. I wound up hiring a 29-year-old former nanny, and I'm not entirely sure she was the best choice.

Sorry to have jumped all over your other post. I take pills to help me sleep ... and last night, I took two. I read your post and typed my response about 30 minutes later, which makes for a rather irritable combination.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

That's okay . I could get the part of role play first ,I was just afraid of someone suspect if I'd this term

 

[BDDan]

Using "frustrated actress" seems to help locate women who can handle the role-play involved in big baby care, which is why I use it.

But again, you don't have to use it ... "Nursing Student or CNA" will work well enough. Having had a number of nurse-type caregivers, I was interested in widening the spectrum a bit, and this phrase seemed to do the trick.

I actually started using "frustrated actress" when I lived in a major theater town. I had relatively few responses prior to adding it, but the floodgates opened after I did. At one point, I had more interested women than I could track ... I had to develop a spreadsheet just to keep tabs on the responses and face-to-face meetings. I wound up hiring a 29-year-old former nanny, and I'm not entirely sure she was the best choice.

Sorry to have jumped all over your other post. I take pills to help me sleep ... and last night, I took two. I read your post and typed my response about 30 minutes later, which makes for a rather irritable combination.

Does your wife meet the sitters or help in choosing one of them? Is she home when you're being sat? or is this something you keep totally separate and do not talk about (i.e. just a quiet understanding)?

 

[sbmccue]

My wife and I have had a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in place for many years, which has always worked well.

I told her about my infantilism after we'd been dating about two months, and she made it quite clear that she (a) wouldn't participate in any way and (b) thought my big baby predilections had no place in our married life. I've always respected that; decades later, she's given me no indication that her attitudes have changed on this point. She is, however, the most impressive woman I've ever met and marrying her was probably the greatest achievement of my life.

Like many others, I thought I could give up my infantilism and I was pretty close to suicide after a couple of years. Beyond that point, a babysitter seemed a pretty minor price to pay.

 

[BDDan]

My wife and I have had a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in place for many years, which has always worked well.

I told her about my infantilism after we'd been dating about two months, and she made it quite clear that she (a) wouldn't participate in any way and (b) thought my big baby predilections had no place in our married life. I've always respected that; decades later, she's given me no indication that her attitudes have changed on this point. She is, however, the most impressive woman I've ever met and marrying her was probably the greatest achievement of my life.

Like many others, I thought I could give up my infantilism and I was pretty close to suicide after a couple of years. Beyond that point, a babysitter seemed a pretty minor price to pay.

So is she away from the house when you're babysat? In the past, I had a similar girl in my life (i.e. most impressive woman). She wasn't dead fast against it, but she wasn't really for it either. The usual, do it on your own, I'm ok with that, kind of thing. Me being young and wanting a Mommy or Little Girl to pay with so bad, made it a bigger deal than I should have. We broke up in part because of it. She was one of the best girlfriends I ever had, and I regret to this day that my fetish came between us. I think in part it has kept me single for so long, as any woman I dated after, I compare, and am disappointed. I know the struggle too of not indulging. Luckily I have never been suicidal over it (I'm glad you didn't go too far), but excommunicating it out of my life only made the desires come back stronger, and almost consume my mind. So it was not a solution. I will try to get a caregiver. Feel a bit embarrassed about my first attempt, and now I am hesitant, but I'm sure i'll regain the gusto. Thanks!

 

[sbmccue]

She's gone quite a lot with work, and I get babysat when she's not here.

Good luck with your search! Here's wishing you the best of success.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

Me 2

 

[Whitechocolate]

I wish there were more people open to babysitting.