Hello, new here to try to understand myself

[Seabass743]

Hello, so I guess I'll start with saying Im a DL. So I only today found out this was a thing. I'm 32 and Ive been through a lot to say the least. Traumatic childhood to some messed up stuff in the Marine Corps, I'm an infantryman. Though luckily I wasn't in combat. Being in the military might be why this makes it hard for me to accept this part of myself.

Anyways it started when I was a kid. I'd put toilet paper into thick pads and put them in my underwear. It just felt so soft and satiated my need for touch. My mother was very abusive and never hugged me, let alone my father. I was neglected and verbally and emotionally abused.

Anyways when I was 10 or so I did that and I remember it feeling so good. It wasn't sexual yet, but it did give me an erection at the time. I remember wanting to wear a diaper cause I thought it'd be so soft. You can see that the sensory aspect is what I liked.

Later as a teenager I explored this again but learned about masturbation. It was just very pleasurable and soft to wear it while masturbating. I would do this on and off and accepted this part of me. I still do this every now and then and I have no problem with it.

But yesterday I ordered an incontinence diaper and I've been so judgmental and harsh on myself. See after my service I met a very narcissistic and abusive woman and didn't know it at the time and had a relationship with her. She tried to convince me that I was just like her. Disrespectful, rude, overly judgemental, entitled, every horrible way she treated me she projected onto me. And when I called her out on her abuse she would uno reverse it and accuse me of me being the abuser and she was the victim. Especially when I was mad at her horrible treatment of me.

I struggle with a lot of sexual shame, when before her I didn't. And now I'm getting in touch with this deep vulnerable part of myself and I'm judging myself as if it's a deep shame. But what it really is is the echos of the toxic shame of the past relationship (shamed me for having sex toys, my past partners, watching porn like once a month, like literally shamed me for all of it and made it a problem when it was absolutely not a problem).

She was so crazy I partially went crazy for a time. I had a psychotic break in the relationship as I was leaving. She was just so terrifying how crazy she was and the way she altered my reality almost broke my mind, or maybe it did for awhile. I pulled through, and I'm still healing from her 4 years later. I'm trying to remember who I am and tell myself I'm not her and I'm not a narcissist. I was so loving and kind to her, for one example I never judged her for her piles of dirty laundry, I knew she was just stressed. I loved her despite her emotional torture she did to me.

So now I'm deeply excited to give myself what that 10 or 11 year old wanted to do. He wanted to wear a diaper. And I'm confused, cause I've been around people who would judge me for this, but I've also known people who are accepting. How accepting would they be, I don't know, what's important is I accept and understand myself. I just find it odd being a grown man who doesn't need them but wants to. I know it's a sense of safety thing. And also something to do with touch or being held when I have no one to hold me. Returning to a time of safety feels healing to me. But my head is just so loud with all sorts of thoughts. I just want to feel like myself and feel safe with myself. That person made me out to be a dangerous human and convinced me that I was through her constant reinforcement, yet in reality it was her that was dangerous. I wish I knew earlier and it didn't take me so long to figure it out.

I'm just doing my best to love and understand myself. It certainly helps seeing that I'm not the only one who is into this stuff. I hope that wasn't too much info. Being vulnerable again is difficult.

I do see a therapist but I don't think I'd be open to tell him about this. I need more time and a deeper level of trust.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you well and comfort.

 

[Deleted member 78040]

Welcome!

 

[plasticpants10]

Hello and Welcome

 

[TrueHero]

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry for all the trauma you’ve had to endure. And I’m happy for the self acceptance you’ve come into. I encourage you to keep working on it. And know that many of us are on a similar path. Feel free to reach out. It might help to hear someone else’s story and maybe find someone who is walking the same road. I’m grateful for this community. It helps me love myself.
Good luck and God bless you.

 

[Neroforte]

Hello, so I guess I'll start with saying Im a DL. So I only today found out this was a thing. I'm 32 and Ive been through a lot to say the least. Traumatic childhood to some messed up stuff in the Marine Corps, I'm an infantryman. Though luckily I wasn't in combat. Being in the military might be why this makes it hard for me to accept this part of myself.

Anyways it started when I was a kid. I'd put toilet paper into thick pads and put them in my underwear. It just felt so soft and satiated my need for touch. My mother was very abusive and never hugged me, let alone my father. I was neglected and verbally and emotionally abused.

Anyways when I was 10 or so I did that and I remember it feeling so good. It wasn't sexual yet, but it did give me an erection at the time. I remember wanting to wear a diaper cause I thought it'd be so soft. You can see that the sensory aspect is what I liked.

Later as a teenager I explored this again but learned about masturbation. It was just very pleasurable and soft to wear it while masturbating. I would do this on and off and accepted this part of me. I still do this every now and then and I have no problem with it.

But yesterday I ordered an incontinence diaper and I've been so judgmental and harsh on myself. See after my service I met a very narcissistic and abusive woman and didn't know it at the time and had a relationship with her. She tried to convince me that I was just like her. Disrespectful, rude, overly judgemental, entitled, every horrible way she treated me she projected onto me. And when I called her out on her abuse she would uno reverse it and accuse me of me being the abuser and she was the victim. Especially when I was mad at her horrible treatment of me.

I struggle with a lot of sexual shame, when before her I didn't. And now I'm getting in touch with this deep vulnerable part of myself and I'm judging myself as if it's a deep shame. But what it really is is the echos of the toxic shame of the past relationship (shamed me for having sex toys, my past partners, watching porn like once a month, like literally shamed me for all of it and made it a problem when it was absolutely not a problem).

She was so crazy I partially went crazy for a time. I had a psychotic break in the relationship as I was leaving. She was just so terrifying how crazy she was and the way she altered my reality almost broke my mind, or maybe it did for awhile. I pulled through, and I'm still healing from her 4 years later. I'm trying to remember who I am and tell myself I'm not her and I'm not a narcissist. I was so loving and kind to her, for one example I never judged her for her piles of dirty laundry, I knew she was just stressed. I loved her despite her emotional torture she did to me.

So now I'm deeply excited to give myself what that 10 or 11 year old wanted to do. He wanted to wear a diaper. And I'm confused, cause I've been around people who would judge me for this, but I've also known people who are accepting. How accepting would they be, I don't know, what's important is I accept and understand myself. I just find it odd being a grown man who doesn't need them but wants to. I know it's a sense of safety thing. And also something to do with touch or being held when I have no one to hold me. Returning to a time of safety feels healing to me. But my head is just so loud with all sorts of thoughts. I just want to feel like myself and feel safe with myself. That person made me out to be a dangerous human and convinced me that I was through her constant reinforcement, yet in reality it was her that was dangerous. I wish I knew earlier and it didn't take me so long to figure it out.

I'm just doing my best to love and understand myself. It certainly helps seeing that I'm not the only one who is into this stuff. I hope that wasn't too much info. Being vulnerable again is difficult.

I do see a therapist but I don't think I'd be open to tell him about this. I need more time and a deeper level of trust.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you well and comfort.

I can relate been with a narcisstic women who make you the bad guy when she's actually the abuser been my life for 7 years leave you a mess and hard to find ourselves after that. Welcome here

 

[kaitsux]

It honestly sounds like you've been through a nightmare, I'm sorry to hear that <3. We're more than happy to help out, that's kind of what some of this place is, reconnecting with yourself about an interest you had and enjoying it without harsh judgement from people who really do understand. I'd love to talk to you when I can if you have any questions or anything! :3

 

[SparkyDog]

Wearing diapers again as an older child or adult after experiencing abuse / neglect is a way to sort of restart one's life
Hope you enjoy your time here it's a wonderful community with tons of supportive people

 

[JunkyardDog1]

That was deep, you're in a safe area here. I can't speak for everyone but myself and quite a few I talked with expressed how odd it was to admit and indulge in something thats not "socially acceptable". Give er hell boss. Do what brings you comfort and a sense of being human.

 

[dogboy]

Hi and welcome. I started wearing and using diaper when I started to go through puberty. I was a Jersey Shore kid and a weight lifter, enjoyed sports, etc. and it was hard for me to accept it as well. I thought I must be crazy. But over the years I've accepted that this is a part of who I am which is okay. We're not just one thing, but our personalities are made up of a million things.

When I was young, I would care what others might think but as one gets older, it simply doesn't matter because I have no desire to tell anyone and my friends don't know, so it's just something I enjoy doing when I'm home alone. Being different from others is part of being human. We're complex animals....haha.

 

[Fattrick]

Welcome! Thank you for being so open about some very personal issues... a lot of us have similar experiences and have felt embarrassed or ashamed because of our interest in diapers. I hope that your wonderful post will help the ppl who are or have been in those situations realize that they aren't alone.

I've been into diapers since I was a kid too. I felt like a weirdo for being into these things... terrified someone would find out... and that I was the only person on the planet that did this stuff. I really hope that communities like this one eventually make these interests "normal" and not something to feel bad about.

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Hello, so I guess I'll start with saying Im a DL. So I only today found out this was a thing. I'm 32 and Ive been through a lot to say the least.

Wow, that's a long time to go without knowing. You must have felt very alone all these years, not knowing about the rest of us.

Anyways it started when I was a kid. I'd put toilet paper into thick pads and put them in my underwear.

I did that too when I was a kid. I'd steal baby diapers when I had the opportunity, but most of the time I had to improvise.

I just find it odd being a grown man who doesn't need them but wants to. I know it's a sense of safety thing. And also something to do with touch or being held when I have no one to hold me. Returning to a time of safety feels healing to me.

I know, I still find it odd too. But then I put on a diaper and I feel safe, secure and peaceful.

But yesterday I ordered an incontinence diaper and I've been so judgmental and harsh on myself.

So now I'm deeply excited to give myself what that 10 or 11 year old wanted to do. He wanted to wear a diaper.

Will this be the first time you've worn an adult diaper?

I'm just doing my best to love and understand myself. It certainly helps seeing that I'm not the only one who is into this stuff. I hope that wasn't too much info. Being vulnerable again is difficult.

I do see a therapist but I don't think I'd be open to tell him about this. I need more time and a deeper level of trust.

It can be difficult to talk about this stuff, but you're among friends here and there are a lot of people who understand what you're going through. Please post more and talk about some of it with us, I think it will help you feel better.

 

[LittleAndAlone]

Do what you want. Screw everyone else.

 

[Seabass743]

Wow, that's a long time to go without knowing. You must have felt very alone all these years, not knowing about the rest of us.


I did that too when I was a kid. I'd steal baby diapers when I had the opportunity, but most of the time I had to improvise.


I know, I still find it odd too. But then I put on a diaper and I feel safe, secure and peaceful.



Will this be the first time you've worn an adult diaper?


It can be difficult to talk about this stuff, but you're among friends here and there are a lot of people who understand what you're going through. Please post more and talk about some of it with us, I think it will help you feel better.

Thank you and everyone else for their warm welcomes and kindness!

It will be the first time I will be wearing an adult diaper.

I'll have to share more and go a bit deeper as well. As it helps me kind of understand where I'm at and why this is coming to my awareness again so strongly in my life.

So I had that bad relationship that I left 4 years ago. I felt very unsafe after I left her and she trained me to believe I was an unsafe person (through her projections of her self).it also scared me because once I was finally out of her place I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Also It wasn't just her that screwed me up, when it comes to the most previous events. One of them took place after I broke up with her but still lived in her house. I was looking for healing for my PTSD through plant medicine and support for the current break up. I went to the native American church years ago and had the most profound and beautiful experience with peyote in 2017. I could go more into that. It was so peaceful and I felt so content. It felt like I was in deep meditation for 16 hours, and didn't have a single thought on my mind, I was present. I was at peace.

In 2020 I reached out to the same medicine woman. She didn't tell me that it wouldn't be a good time to take medicine since I was dealing with an abusive relationship. She instead said I should take mushrooms it will help. I went to her house. She gave me a mug of magic mushroom tea and told me to drink it all. She gave me 7grams of mushrooms for my first time. I had no idea that was a lot. 3 grams is normal. 5 is heroic. 7 or more is dangerous, unless you've done it many times before. I was at first very relaxed, more than any other time in my life. I melted in the couch. But as the medicine got stronger and stronger I started to feel worse. And the fact I was still in contact with my ex rather than having her out of my life, made things worse in my head. I couldn't drink any water and I threw up after 2 or 3 hours. My sitter didn't really ask what was going on. I started to hallucinate sounds and voices but I don't know it at the time. I proceeded to have a psychotic break as I started to have a panic attack on too much mushrooms. It was horrifying. I've never experienced a nightmare worse than this and I was awake for the whole thing. It ended with me seeing a kaleidoscope of my face, 100s of my face, screaming in agonizing pain, in my mental vision.

I say all this because I was basically in a panic attack from waking up to going to bed in all of 2020. I have panic attacks 3 to 5 times some weeks 4 years later. Some months I don't have panic attacks as bad, maybe 1 or 2 in the month. But some other months are really bad. I find it hard to sleep because I constantly have to drink a lot of water due to exhaustion and stress in my body. So i use the bathroom a lot and it disturbs my sleep rhythm.

I'm happy I started getting back into this because I feel like this would help regulate my nervous system through comfort and safety as well as helping me sleep.

Last year I didn't sleep for 7 days , in June, and I had to check into the hospital. Before I did I just said screw it and wet the bed(I had a cover for it just in case under the sheet) to finally get some sleep and help my body relax. I moved to the floor afterwords and after a quick shower and started to listen to music on YouTube of a mother's heartbeat to help me sleep. I've heard it helps babies learn to sleep if they can't for a few days after they are born.

So yeah, as far as I see it, diapers can help me feel safe and secure again. As well as be fun and allow me to feel pleasure again as well. Just getting over the initial oddness was a little difficult. But it's really understandable to want to wear diapers even when you don't need to. Self comfort is so important.

 

[pierrelebleu]

So very sorry to hear about all the trauma and abuse and pain you have experienced. I feel humbled and honoured that you have shared this much of your story. Good that you have escaped that relationship, but as you say, it takes a lot of time (and sometimes intentional effort) to heal from past wounds. I'm glad that you've found some things that bring you comfort and raise your self-esteem. Anything affirming that is not harming others must be a positive benefit.

On this forum there are lots of people who have found embracing a life in nappies / diapers to provide a massive boost to their mental health, whether they wear almost all the time, or just on the odd occasions when they feel the need. Either is perfectly valid, as we are all different. You'll also find lots of helpful info about pretty much anything to do with nappies / diapers in all the forum threads, and answers to almost any related question, so do take some time to explore.

You say you are on the DL end of the ABDL spectrum. I sometimes say DL life is a journey. For me it went something like this: curiosity, comfort, convenience, confidence-boost, carefree. Negativity will interrupt this, so next time you feel accused / judged / shamed / criticised for wearing, remind yourself that this is not your voice, it is someone else. Reject that negative talk which puts you down. You may not always understand yourself, but it is important not to judge yourself (or allow other voices to judge you) for being who you are.

It is OK to look after yourself, to treat yourself to things which make you feel good, to do things and wear things that affirm that you are worthy of love and affection and respect and kindness. It is OK to look in the mirror and remind yourself how awesome you are.

May you continue to find healing for your soul and health for your new relationships and hope for a brighter future.

 

[sbmccue]

You have an engaging backstory! Here’s hoping your life is on the downhill pull now.

Enjoy ADIsC!

 

[Lethdale]

Hello, so I guess I'll start with saying Im a DL. So I only today found out this was a thing. I'm 32 and Ive been through a lot to say the least. Traumatic childhood to some messed up stuff in the Marine Corps, I'm an infantryman. Though luckily I wasn't in combat. Being in the military might be why this makes it hard for me to accept this part of myself.

Anyways it started when I was a kid. I'd put toilet paper into thick pads and put them in my underwear. It just felt so soft and satiated my need for touch. My mother was very abusive and never hugged me, let alone my father. I was neglected and verbally and emotionally abused.

Anyways when I was 10 or so I did that and I remember it feeling so good. It wasn't sexual yet, but it did give me an erection at the time. I remember wanting to wear a diaper cause I thought it'd be so soft. You can see that the sensory aspect is what I liked.

Later as a teenager I explored this again but learned about masturbation. It was just very pleasurable and soft to wear it while masturbating. I would do this on and off and accepted this part of me. I still do this every now and then and I have no problem with it.

But yesterday I ordered an incontinence diaper and I've been so judgmental and harsh on myself. See after my service I met a very narcissistic and abusive woman and didn't know it at the time and had a relationship with her. She tried to convince me that I was just like her. Disrespectful, rude, overly judgemental, entitled, every horrible way she treated me she projected onto me. And when I called her out on her abuse she would uno reverse it and accuse me of me being the abuser and she was the victim. Especially when I was mad at her horrible treatment of me.

I struggle with a lot of sexual shame, when before her I didn't. And now I'm getting in touch with this deep vulnerable part of myself and I'm judging myself as if it's a deep shame. But what it really is is the echos of the toxic shame of the past relationship (shamed me for having sex toys, my past partners, watching porn like once a month, like literally shamed me for all of it and made it a problem when it was absolutely not a problem).

She was so crazy I partially went crazy for a time. I had a psychotic break in the relationship as I was leaving. She was just so terrifying how crazy she was and the way she altered my reality almost broke my mind, or maybe it did for awhile. I pulled through, and I'm still healing from her 4 years later. I'm trying to remember who I am and tell myself I'm not her and I'm not a narcissist. I was so loving and kind to her, for one example I never judged her for her piles of dirty laundry, I knew she was just stressed. I loved her despite her emotional torture she did to me.

So now I'm deeply excited to give myself what that 10 or 11 year old wanted to do. He wanted to wear a diaper. And I'm confused, cause I've been around people who would judge me for this, but I've also known people who are accepting. How accepting would they be, I don't know, what's important is I accept and understand myself. I just find it odd being a grown man who doesn't need them but wants to. I know it's a sense of safety thing. And also something to do with touch or being held when I have no one to hold me. Returning to a time of safety feels healing to me. But my head is just so loud with all sorts of thoughts. I just want to feel like myself and feel safe with myself. That person made me out to be a dangerous human and convinced me that I was through her constant reinforcement, yet in reality it was her that was dangerous. I wish I knew earlier and it didn't take me so long to figure it out.

I'm just doing my best to love and understand myself. It certainly helps seeing that I'm not the only one who is into this stuff. I hope that wasn't too much info. Being vulnerable again is difficult.

I do see a therapist but I don't think I'd be open to tell him about this. I need more time and a deeper level of trust.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you well and comfort.

Thank you for being so open.
You are amongst friends.

 

[Subtlerustle]

You’ve had a helluva tough time @Seabass743. I would encourage you to keep exploring your DL side and see where it takes you. Keep it private but get to love all of yourself. Your past experiences are in the past. I’m not naive enough to suggest they won’t affect your present and future but at 32 you’ve got a long runway in front of you. Don’t waste it. If diapers are the medication to help you and make you happy, I’d say lean into it and forget the other stuff. It’s a lot more dangerous and unpredictable.

Remember, diapers can represent many many things to you. I know they do for me but it took me a long time to get this comfortable. I had the struggles we’ve all had reconciling the guy in a diaper with the guy who’s everything else in day to day life. You’re in very good company here.

 

[Visitor2Earth]

Wearing a diaper isn’t wrong….anymore than underwear, but our society thinks that an adult wearing a simple diaper for comfort/to relax is strange, while getting plastered with alcohol is an accepted practice…how weird is THAT?

Diapers have allowed me to get off of side effect laden pharmaceutical drugs for anxiety and Tourette syndrome, so given the choice between a soft, warm diaper & the pills of big pharma, I’ll take a diaper every time!

BTW, I’m also former military & yes, it took me quite some years to accept and embrace my little/DL side…now I certainly wish I had embraced my little side 20 years ago, instead of “binging and purging” my diapers!

 

[Hiawatha]

Hey @Seabass743 ! Welcome on adisc, and good luck figuring it all out! Hope we can do our part in it

 

[Seabass743]

Thank you all for being so accepting, kind, and understanding. Haven't felt this love from a community before. It means a lot. Thank you!