Feeling conflicted with being incontinent and ABDL

[thegamer408]

I'm not really certain what my goal is in posting this aside from a bit of a vent, alas, I feel conflicted with being incontinent and ABDL at the same time. It's making me struggle to figure out if I am really having an accident (losing control of my bladder) or if I am just going in my diaper out of laziness. There are times I have held my pee for an extended period of time (such as when I was watching Dune Part 2 a few months ago, I was diapered but I did not need to use it) that make me believe I am solely using my diaper out of laziness. Yet, when I am doing housework and drinking lots of water, I wet myself almost reflexively, and I don't know if I would be able to hold it had I been in underwear. Yet, still there's always that thought in my head that I probably COULD'VE held it had I actually tried harder and tried to go to the bathroom. It makes me feel very ashamed, primarily because to me diapers are still a "fetish object", as I've been into diapers almost as long as I can remember (since age 7 (possibly even earlier), I am 32 now). Not only that, but I still live with my parents (I'm autistic and unable to live independently at this time), and who've been aware of me being an ABDL going all the way back to when I was young. While they are somewhat tolerant of it, they make constant comments about me needing to get off the diapers. My mother is especially critical of it, she brings it up in nearly every conversation I have with her. Needless to say, this is a bit of a problem because I am having these issues. I have told my parents about it, and they told me to see our GP (which I did, and I'm now on a waitlist to see a urologist). My mom's tone of voice sounded like she thought I was making up an excuse, but I'm not. It just hurts to be honest. On one hand, when I was young I really wanted to actually need diapers, but now that I am in this situation I don't know. It just makes me feel bad. I suppose there's a reason why they say "be careful what you wish for!" I just hate feeling ashamed about something I cannot really control. And when there are moments of success, it feels like that invalidates everything I have previously experienced.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what to do about this. Current waitlist for a urologist in my area is close to a year, so I will not have a definitive answer until then anyway. I would just appreciate if my parents would be a bit more understanding, but knowing my early history with diapers I can definitely believe why they might be suspicious. If anyone else has experienced anything similar to this (or has other advice to share) I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[Edgewater]

So, you are autistic and live with your parents with some kind of baseline incontinence driven by your autism? To add a bit of joy, you are also AB/DL. But, you are conflicted!

Since, you are on the waiting list to see a Urologist, let the clock run and surprise your appoint will arrive! It is a time on time thing.

Just an FYI: Being IC sucks and those that are would commonly wish there were not! Maybe that will help? Oh, by the way, there are few definite answer to IC as the number of causes are extensive and it will likely be a process of what is not causing your specific incontinence. Try not using your diaper as maintaining some level of continence is preferable.

 

[caitianx]

I have been incontinent for half my life.
I have Autism.
I also have Cerebral Palsy.
I admit to being AB/DL.
It is a way to cope with incontinence and declining mobility since my mid-40's.
I am 66 years old now.

 

[princessarya]

I have had my own struggles with this. Like as much as I love wearing diapers, I don't love needing them. You have to work through accepting your issues and go from there.

 

[Neroforte]

I have been incontinent for long time to be honest the DL side help me to cope with it and also become my true self

 

[Teddy02]

I understand the guilt. I went through much the same as I wanted to be in nappies when I was young, but was not incontinent. I asked myself the question often, ‘did I make myself incontinent by wearing/wanting to wear nappies’. I will never be able to answer the conundrum so I stopped worrying about it. I accept that I was/am incontinent and carry on life with the inconvenience/expense of being incontinent. I have now had a prostatectomy and one of the side effects (albeit temporary for most men) is incontinence. I am not unhappy about it and have adjusted my life to accomodate what makes me happy even though I need it.

 

[uknappygirl]

I can so relate to this. I have struggled with things too. At first I tried to deny that I got any type of enjoyment from being incontinent but over time I have found that embracing my interest in AB/DL really helped me come to terms with my condition. I'm not saying it is easy or that it solves anything but it does help me to feel better.

 

[joeythebrat]

I can so relate to this. I have struggled with things too. At first I tried to deny that I got any type of enjoyment from being incontinent but over time I have found that embracing my interest in AB/DL really helped me come to terms with my condition. I'm not saying it is easy or that it solves anything but it does help me to feel better.

I totally agree. My current medical condition forbids going anywhere without a diaper. I only wear prevail tab diapers when out. They work for me, and are cost effective. I do Luv cute Abdul diapers, but they are a premium cost..and it is really only at home. Never wore an Abdl diaper to the doctor's, or hospital. Let's face it....a true need is justification. Having a doctor saying you need them, won't always gain understanding from others, but it shows responsibility and avoids embarrassment.

 

[sbmccue]

I'd say you have to wait to see a urologist to determine whether your 'conflict' really exists.

The other side of the coin: You're sensitive to your parents' thoughts and wishes, and you have some lingering issues because you've never actually resolved your love for diapers.

When parents are providing the roof over your head and paying the bills, it makes sense to pay attention to what they request in return. I suspect that if your urologist finds you are not incontinent, your mother - in particular - will expect you to give up the diapers.

The urology appointment is a rubicon of sorts; if you are genuinely incontinent, your parents have little ground to criticize. But if you're correct, and you do know when you need to go to the bathroom, I imagine they will expect you to do that instead.

 

[mirrored22]

The kink side of diapers, while fun and enjoyable for many, has a really bad side effect of crossing the wires when it comes to the onset of any kind of incontinence issues. It introduces some complicated emotions like shame and fear and anxiety into your calculus about bodily function that makes you unsure. I have found it very helpful to separate the two when thinking about it. That is, taking the kink side out of the equation and instead grounding yourself in the present moment and looking at your issues from a place of neutrality.

Ask yourself some questions - "What symptoms am I experiencing?" "How difficult are these symptoms making my life?" "What do I need right now to get relief for these symptoms?" Try not to bargain or downplay whatever symptoms you are experiencing when you think about it. And broaden your thinking to include the whole assortment of lower urinary tract symptoms too, not just issues related to control but leaks, urges, and any kind of pain and discomfort you experience down there. I've found that abdl's tend to have a very fantastical understanding of what incontinence (and other lower urinary tract dysfunction) looks like in reality. This will help you navigate the conversation with your primary care doctor and your urologist as well as giving you information to work with in your day to day life to explain your issues to your family and make better choices about managing them.

 

[Millbay]

I can so relate to this. I have struggled with things too. At first I tried to deny that I got any type of enjoyment from being incontinent but over time I have found that embracing my interest in AB/DL really helped me come to terms with my condition. I'm not saying it is easy or that it solves anything but it does help me to feel better.

I feel the same incontinence is not fun at all but the AB/DL side makes it a little better to cope with wish this was around in the 90’s.

 

[robertabdl74]

Its scarry when your at the line between enjoying your diapers vs needing your diapered. And choosing weather or not to cross it

 

[Wetshisbed]

I am incontinent and enuretic. I slipped very easily in to being DL and ha e to say being DL was the way forward for me.

 

[Belarin]

I come at this from a slightly different perspective than many in this section of the site, but with similar feelings and thoughts
I'm in a similar position to Teddy02 here.

I understand the guilt. I went through much the same as I wanted to be in nappies when I was young, but was not incontinent. I asked myself the question often, ‘did I make myself incontinent by wearing/wanting to wear nappies’. I will never be able to answer the conundrum so I stopped worrying about it. I accept that I was/am incontinent and carry on life with the inconvenience/expense of being incontinent. I have now had a prostatectomy and one of the side effects (albeit temporary for most men) is incontinence. I am not unhappy about it and have adjusted my life to accomodate what makes me happy even though I need it.

I've been a DL since a very young age, and have loved wearing and using diapers pretty much my whole life and of course in my younger more naïve years the thoughts that I would like to be IC came up several times. However with what I've learned over the years and know/understand now I know it is definitely not something to wish for and is not what most ABDL's think it is like.

But it seems I am developing some UIC issues recently and not really sure how I feel about it, having been ABDL for so long including longer periods of wearing 24/7 and considering deeply what it would mean to become IC and how I would cope, I am kind of mentally prepared, so if things continue or get worse and I end up with more severe UIC I don't think it will upset me at all, it will just be another transition in my life.

That said I am currently rather conflicted about how I should feel about it, like there are 3 versions of me one saying "meh if it happens it happens I'm ready for it", another that wants to say "wahooo! bring it on" and the last version saying "no no no no no, this is not a good thing, I need to get on top of this".

The kink side of diapers, while fun and enjoyable for many, has a really bad side effect of crossing the wires when it comes to the onset of any kind of incontinence issues. It introduces some complicated emotions like shame and fear and anxiety into your calculus about bodily function that makes you unsure. I have found it very helpful to separate the two when thinking about it. That is, taking the kink side out of the equation and instead grounding yourself in the present moment and looking at your issues from a place of neutrality.

This makes sense and is a large part of my last thread in the IC section yesterday, looking for experiences with sheath catheters/collection devices. For me the nappies are definitely the main draw and are deeply ingrained as a comfort and/or leisure item, as such wearing them full time to manage any UIC is going to make me more likely to just use them which is bound to make it worse.

Whereas a sheath and leg bag are disconnected and disassociated enough and don't bring on the same comforting feelings so that I am more likely to actually continue trying to get things under control and just use them for management in the meantime, they take the "kink" out as you say.

 

[Teddy02]

You are right, this is a ‘chicken and egg’ situation. For me, it was only resolved when the surgeon who removed my prostate said “if you are incontinent now you probably will be forever”. He was very surprised when I said I did not mind!
Apparently that is what disturbs most men more than losing their ability for coitus! For me it legitimised the incontinence although I do miss the erections and the intensity of the sex drive.
I absolutely understand the catheter/leg bag as being a disconnect from the comfort of a nappy. They are very different things.

 

[caitianx]

You are right, this is a ‘chicken and egg’ situation. For me, it was only resolved when the surgeon who removed my prostate said “if you are incontinent now you probably will be forever”. He was very surprised when I said I did not mind!
Apparently that is what disturbs most men more than losing their ability for coitus! For me it legitimised the incontinence although I do miss the erections and the intensity of the sex drive.
I absolutely understand the catheter/leg bag as being a disconnect from the comfort of a nappy. They are very different things.

I still have a prostate gland, but the TAMSULOSIN and FINASTERIDE took away my own "Semen Gun Function".
At 66, I can play inside my diaper all I want, and Never get any lady pregnant.

 

[fredy552]

I was a DL since my early teens I honestly believe. Then in Nov. 2020, I got sick with COVID-19 I authorized several experimental drugs to be used on me. At this point, I was Intubated and in ICU for about 3 weeks. I was not allowed out of bed and due to me being in a Private room, The nurses had to put on a new clean gown to come into my room. So, I could not wait and wet the bed and at this point, they diapered me up. When they sent me home, they sent me with some Pull-Ups and Diapers. As time went on the Pull-ups did not work and I was wetting the bed, or I got the urge to sit in my chair watching TV and got the urge and would wet my pants and chair. I bought Briefs (Diapers and Plastic Pants). I honestly did not want to wear diapers 24/7 here I am almost 4 years later sitting in my and just wet myself in a Diaper and Plastic Pants. I have learned to like my Diapers even though I am a DL and Incontinent. The Doctors are scratching their heads the only they offer to help is drugs. I said after reading on here and a couple of other sites people did not like the side effects and went back to diapers. So I guess the best advice I can give is to accept that you like your Diapers and your incontinence and move with life the best you can.

 

[Belarin]

I still have a prostate gland, but the TAMSULOSIN and FINASTERIDE took away my own "Semen Gun Function".
At 66, I can play inside my diaper all I want, and Never get any lady pregnant.

I am sorry you are suffering those side effects and I don't mean to belittle anyone's suffering, but something I do find quite amusing is that Finasteride is given for both reducing enlarged prostate as well as hair loss... I mean you couldn't find two more completely unrelated problems to be treated by the same drug.

So you may get a reduction in prostate size but you'll likely become impotent, lose sex drive and grow more hair faster/better... I think we've just discovered where bigfoot came from, and why he's always so angry.

 

[Dinotopian2002]

I'm not really certain what my goal is in posting this aside from a bit of a vent, alas, I feel conflicted with being incontinent and ABDL at the same time. It's making me struggle to figure out if I am really having an accident (losing control of my bladder) or if I am just going in my diaper out of laziness. There are times I have held my pee for an extended period of time (such as when I was watching Dune Part 2 a few months ago, I was diapered but I did not need to use it) that make me believe I am solely using my diaper out of laziness. Yet, when I am doing housework and drinking lots of water, I wet myself almost reflexively, and I don't know if I would be able to hold it had I been in underwear. Yet, still there's always that thought in my head that I probably COULD'VE held it had I actually tried harder and tried to go to the bathroom. It makes me feel very ashamed, primarily because to me diapers are still a "fetish object", as I've been into diapers almost as long as I can remember (since age 7 (possibly even earlier), I am 32 now). Not only that, but I still live with my parents (I'm autistic and unable to live independently at this time), and who've been aware of me being an ABDL going all the way back to when I was young. While they are somewhat tolerant of it, they make constant comments about me needing to get off the diapers. My mother is especially critical of it, she brings it up in nearly every conversation I have with her. Needless to say, this is a bit of a problem because I am having these issues. I have told my parents about it, and they told me to see our GP (which I did, and I'm now on a waitlist to see a urologist). My mom's tone of voice sounded like she thought I was making up an excuse, but I'm not. It just hurts to be honest. On one hand, when I was young I really wanted to actually need diapers, but now that I am in this situation I don't know. It just makes me feel bad. I suppose there's a reason why they say "be careful what you wish for!" I just hate feeling ashamed about something I cannot really control. And when there are moments of success, it feels like that invalidates everything I have previously experienced.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what to do about this. Current waitlist for a urologist in my area is close to a year, so I will not have a definitive answer until then anyway. I would just appreciate if my parents would be a bit more understanding, but knowing my early history with diapers I can definitely believe why they might be suspicious. If anyone else has experienced anything similar to this (or has other advice to share) I would greatly appreciate it.

You mention that you are autistic - if you look around ADISC, you may notice that a lot of people who wear padding are autistic or neurodivergent - and this need can range from wearing for fun, wearing for emotional comfort, or as a sensory aid to give them confidence, and our bladder control can range from perfectly normal, to shy bladder, to full-on double incontinence - autism and neurodivergence is a spectrum and we can be affected in different ways.

I say ‘our’ because I’m also neurodivergent too. However my incontinence is caused by a chronic illness instead. As such I’ve needed to wear diapers my whole adult life - and these days I’m okay with that. I’m also a DL, but it’s more of a coping mechanism than a kink.

I feel most confident and secure when I have a nice thick ABDL diaper on me - simply because I don’t have to worry about not being able to make it to the toilet (as I’m also a wheelchair user). And I do like some (but not all) of the prints, as they make me feel less ‘broken’ as they don’t look medical.

My advice would be to maintain as much bladder control as you can, but if you keep having accidents, it’s safer to be padded - better to have and not need, than need and not have.

But whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about this, hyperfocusing on this issue won’t help. You have a medical condition and you’re waiting to see a GP. And in the meantime you need to keep your pants dry.

It’s not ‘wrong’ to wear diapers if you need them. And if you can enjoy parts of it, then that’s not bad - it’s better than hating on yourself.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[caitianx]

I will say that simply, I have always been attracted to diapers and plastic pants.
as a boy I always looked into the SEARS mail-order catalog in the medical section which had non-baby big diapers and plastic pants for sale.