Lilah
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 47
- Role
- Diaper Lover
- Incontinent
Not sure if this is the right place to post but I wanted to share my story after a long hiatus from the site. I’m feeling pretty vulnerable right now but also quite mixed about the whole situation and I just wanted to share my story with others who may understand more than the general population.
I have always had nocturnal enuresis and encopresis and to manage it I have worn diapers to bed my whole life. I have also been a DL since I can remember, which I assume happened since I never left diapers long term. Though I was not a DL growing up I appreciated my diapers for keeping my bed dry and allowing me to sleep. Once I hit puberty though my DL desires got much stronger, and even more so as an adult. Until recently, I never had any daytime issues except for the occasional accident due to extreme circumstances (like bad traffic or being sick) and that only occurred a couple times a year, not anything to be alarmed about.
I started wearing and using diapers 24/7 during covid lockdowns in March 2020 when my company switched to remote work. I wore 24/7 except to see family, friends, and doctors, and with the pandemic I was spending most of my time alone. My work stayed fully remote since 2020 so for 3 years I didn’t worry about holding my bladder/bowels on a daily basis I just used the diaper as soon as I felt an urge, then later I stopped pushing and just let my body relax and relieve itself. This was a huge mistake because around April 2023 I started to notice my diaper would feel much wetter than when I last remembered using it, and also started to have small uncontrollable wetting accidents when coughing, sneezing, and jumping.
After this startling development, I started trying to hold my urine and bowels but was shocked to find I was not able to hold back my urges anymore. I could barely even feel when my bladder was filling, it just seemed to release small amounts every 15 minutes or so. Initially I tried to rip the bandaid off and went right back to wearing underwear. I didn’t make it though my first day out of diapers though, I got discouraged from all the leaks and just decided it would be easiest to keep using the diaper until I could see a doctor. As for my bowels, I was able to feel an urge to poop if I concentrated really hard but as soon as I felt the urge I had less than 5 minutes to make it to a bathroom or I’d poop my diaper. Pushing also got much weaker, anytime I sat on the toilet and tried to empty myself I could only squeeze out a few drops and I couldn’t force a bowel movement at all.
Since then, I have been in/out of multiple doctors trying to regain control of my bladder and bowels. After some invasive tests and full body scans, they determined I am retaining urine, have OAB/urge incontinence, stress incontinence, and bowel incontinence. I now attend pelvic floor PT regularly. Although the PT progress is very slow I once managed to hold back a bowel movement until I could remove my diaper and sit on a toilet (which was a huge achievement at the time). I got better at sensing fullness in both my bladder and bowel but I was still unable to consistently hold back an accident for more than a minute or two.
Sadly, that progress was all lost in October 2023. I got a nasty UTI which was treated with a couple rounds of antibiotics, then in December I started a psychiatric program to help manage my depression and anxiety, where I also got my Autism diagnosis. In the program I started some new medications (Abilify and Adderall) and attended one on one therapy sessions. The therapy did help mentally, but my control has not returned since the UTI and I can no longer sense any fullness in my bladder or bowels.
I am convinced these events at the end of 2023 destroyed any progress I had made since beginning PT because now I alternate between constant leakage, severe urgency, retaining urine, constipation, and diarrhea. My doctor has recommended regular cathing, but after the last UTI we’re going to save it for a last resort treatment if my retention gets too bad.
While I did understand the consequences of consciously untraining continence, I had not imagined casual wearing could result in losing my control and having such permanent issues. Throughout those 3 years I kept telling myself I was different from the other stories I’d read, I was different from the DL’s who trained to become incontinent then regretted it all once they truly lost control…. But in the end I wound up the exact same way, full of regret and no longer able to chose when I want to wear a diaper.
I truly regret what I may have done to myself by wearing and using diapers for 3 years straight, and I hate every minute of relying on diapers for my bodily functions. What started as a fun “day off” has turned into an expensive, embarrassing, and demoralizing life where I live from one diaper change to the next. Please do not feel sorry for me, but instead take this as a warning- be careful what you wish for!! Getting to choose when you wear diapers is far more enjoyable than being dependent on diapers.
I have always had nocturnal enuresis and encopresis and to manage it I have worn diapers to bed my whole life. I have also been a DL since I can remember, which I assume happened since I never left diapers long term. Though I was not a DL growing up I appreciated my diapers for keeping my bed dry and allowing me to sleep. Once I hit puberty though my DL desires got much stronger, and even more so as an adult. Until recently, I never had any daytime issues except for the occasional accident due to extreme circumstances (like bad traffic or being sick) and that only occurred a couple times a year, not anything to be alarmed about.
I started wearing and using diapers 24/7 during covid lockdowns in March 2020 when my company switched to remote work. I wore 24/7 except to see family, friends, and doctors, and with the pandemic I was spending most of my time alone. My work stayed fully remote since 2020 so for 3 years I didn’t worry about holding my bladder/bowels on a daily basis I just used the diaper as soon as I felt an urge, then later I stopped pushing and just let my body relax and relieve itself. This was a huge mistake because around April 2023 I started to notice my diaper would feel much wetter than when I last remembered using it, and also started to have small uncontrollable wetting accidents when coughing, sneezing, and jumping.
After this startling development, I started trying to hold my urine and bowels but was shocked to find I was not able to hold back my urges anymore. I could barely even feel when my bladder was filling, it just seemed to release small amounts every 15 minutes or so. Initially I tried to rip the bandaid off and went right back to wearing underwear. I didn’t make it though my first day out of diapers though, I got discouraged from all the leaks and just decided it would be easiest to keep using the diaper until I could see a doctor. As for my bowels, I was able to feel an urge to poop if I concentrated really hard but as soon as I felt the urge I had less than 5 minutes to make it to a bathroom or I’d poop my diaper. Pushing also got much weaker, anytime I sat on the toilet and tried to empty myself I could only squeeze out a few drops and I couldn’t force a bowel movement at all.
Since then, I have been in/out of multiple doctors trying to regain control of my bladder and bowels. After some invasive tests and full body scans, they determined I am retaining urine, have OAB/urge incontinence, stress incontinence, and bowel incontinence. I now attend pelvic floor PT regularly. Although the PT progress is very slow I once managed to hold back a bowel movement until I could remove my diaper and sit on a toilet (which was a huge achievement at the time). I got better at sensing fullness in both my bladder and bowel but I was still unable to consistently hold back an accident for more than a minute or two.
Sadly, that progress was all lost in October 2023. I got a nasty UTI which was treated with a couple rounds of antibiotics, then in December I started a psychiatric program to help manage my depression and anxiety, where I also got my Autism diagnosis. In the program I started some new medications (Abilify and Adderall) and attended one on one therapy sessions. The therapy did help mentally, but my control has not returned since the UTI and I can no longer sense any fullness in my bladder or bowels.
I am convinced these events at the end of 2023 destroyed any progress I had made since beginning PT because now I alternate between constant leakage, severe urgency, retaining urine, constipation, and diarrhea. My doctor has recommended regular cathing, but after the last UTI we’re going to save it for a last resort treatment if my retention gets too bad.
While I did understand the consequences of consciously untraining continence, I had not imagined casual wearing could result in losing my control and having such permanent issues. Throughout those 3 years I kept telling myself I was different from the other stories I’d read, I was different from the DL’s who trained to become incontinent then regretted it all once they truly lost control…. But in the end I wound up the exact same way, full of regret and no longer able to chose when I want to wear a diaper.
I truly regret what I may have done to myself by wearing and using diapers for 3 years straight, and I hate every minute of relying on diapers for my bodily functions. What started as a fun “day off” has turned into an expensive, embarrassing, and demoralizing life where I live from one diaper change to the next. Please do not feel sorry for me, but instead take this as a warning- be careful what you wish for!! Getting to choose when you wear diapers is far more enjoyable than being dependent on diapers.
