Advice RE getting back in touch with Family after 10 years no-contact.

[RojasPuraVida]

Hi everyone,

So for some context, I moved to the UK from my home country (Spain) in my late teens and since around 12 months after moving here, I haven't spoken to my family back home.

Nothing bad ever happened between us, we just slowly lost touch after I moved. Our last conversation that I remember was mundane discussing weather and plans for easter..etc No argument..etc

They, to the best of my knowledge, could contact me if the wished, but they haven't. I'm on facebook/linkedin under my own name, I've not changed my phone number since moving here and they did have my uk number all that time ago. They don't use social media as best I can tell and I have tried to find them online but was fruitless. I've tried reaching out in the past by phone but they've seemingly changed their numbers and honestly I've never written to them. If they wrote to me, I wouldn't have received it having moved house not long after loosing touch.

From what I do know about them, they're very unlikely to have moved house, if I was to knock their door, I would bet highly in favour of them still living there.

Since moving here, I've married, I have children of my own who have never met their grandparents or their aunt. As best I know, my family don't know that I'm a father or a husband.

But in June we've booked a holiday to a resort 30 km from where I grew up and my wife and I have been discussing the possibility of visiting my parents' house while we're there but honestly after so long, I don't know what I would say to them, or how I would say it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel in a way that I owe it to my children to give them the opportunity to meet their grandparents on my side. My children for reference are aged 9, 6 and 5.

My only other concern would be that, while my wife and I have done our best to teach Spanish to our children, they can all hold a conversation in basic Spanish, but are only really fluent in English. My parents can't speak English at all.

For better or worse, I'm worried about how they would feel, I don't want either my children or my parents to suffer any un-necessary anxiety/stress/difficulty from something, that really is only for my benefit.

What is the etiquette in this situation? Do I show up alone and then ask them if they would like to meet my wife/children or do we all go together? Do I leave it altogether and just not do this? I don't want to ruin the holiday for my wife/children.

 

[OnePiece]

My thoughts on this. It would be better if you can somehow contact your family before you show up with wife and kids on their doorstep.
If not possible at all, then meet up alone first. You never now if they have moved or what have happened in ten years.
And of course, talk to your wife (and kids) about this first!

Don’t worry about the language, you can help interpret when needed.

As I understand it, you have a sister. Is it possible that she is on social media or can be searched up somehow?

Being a grandfather myself with a daughter and grandson living very far away, I can say that I miss them and cherish all the time
I can spend with them.
Most grandparents love to meet their grandchildren, in a way that’s nature.
But I do know of one person that seemingly doesn’t care at all.

 

[googlyeyes467]

My advice would be also to establish a connection with your parents before introducing your wife and kids to your parents. Your parents are people too and being monolingual can be stressful when trying to speak to others who aren't fluent, especially children.

As for the larger question of whether you should do it at all i think that depends on several factors. What are your parents like as people? Do they just not care about you or are they actually nice but struggle to use the phone in their older age? Would they be a good influence on your kids?

Also remember you have varying degrees of relationships with others, it isn't black and white. I maintain only a sort of acquaintance relationship with my father because he is lost in his own world and doesnt care too much about me or my family. However i talk to my brother all the time because he clearly wants a relationship and is engaging, even though we differ a lot on social issues.

 

[ARBBB2]

I would try to contact them , also try to contact some of the family friends or relative's to get info? I did about a year and a half not talking to my parents on advice of a therapist to try to change things between my wife and I and my parents. It worked out for the best, we have never been closer now,,,, so I would support u in doing that!!!

 

[RojasPuraVida]

My thoughts on this. It would be better if you can somehow contact your family before you show up with wife and kids on their doorstep.
If not possible at all, then meet up alone first. You never now if they have moved or what have happened in ten years.
And of course, talk to your wife (and kids) about this first!

Don’t worry about the language, you can help interpret when needed.

As I understand it, you have a sister. Is it possible that she is on social media or can be searched up somehow?

Being a grandfather myself with a daughter and grandson living very far away, I can say that I miss them and cherish all the time
I can spend with them.
Most grandparents love to meet their grandchildren, in a way that’s nature.
But I do know of one person that seemingly doesn’t care at all.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts,

The idea of getting back in touch was all on my wife's suggestion; she and I are really close to her parents so I guess she is speaking from her own experience and how she would feel if she was in my shoes.

My sister joined the navy when I was 16 but to the best I know she is or at least was still in contact with our parents back when I was but as for now I have no idea. We stayed in touch where we could after I moved here but I suppose our respective lives got in the way. I've tried facebook and linkedin but had absolutely no joy trying to find her. I reached out to who was at the time her boyfriend (also in the navy) but all he could tell me was that they broke up in 2015 and he hadn't heard from her since. I don't know how at this point I could reach her, we're not a military family, my sister was the only one to ever join. Do you know if I were to contact the military directly if they could pass on a message maybe with my contact details?

There are only three conceivable ways I could reach out to my family at this point;

-Show up at their door

-Write to them

-Try to reach them through the church. They always attended and were quite active in the church as I was growing up, if I left a message for them there, it would definitely reach them providing they haven't moved.

 

[RojasPuraVida]

My advice would be also to establish a connection with your parents before introducing your wife and kids to your parents. Your parents are people too and being monolingual can be stressful when trying to speak to others who aren't fluent, especially children.

As for the larger question of whether you should do it at all i think that depends on several factors. What are your parents like as people? Do they just not care about you or are they actually nice but struggle to use the phone in their older age? Would they be a good influence on your kids?

Also remember you have varying degrees of relationships with others, it isn't black and white. I maintain only a sort of acquaintance relationship with my father because he is lost in his own world and doesnt care too much about me or my family. However i talk to my brother all the time because he clearly wants a relationship and is engaging, even though we differ a lot on social issues.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You've made a few different points so each one I will address individually.

I appreciate your point RE establishing a connection with them first, I just don't exactly know how I could do this.

What are your parents like as people? Do they just not care about you or are they actually nice but struggle to use the phone in their older age?
The only way I can put it is that they're quite typical for their generation. They were raised partially during the rule of Franco where opinions were criminally discouraged, coupled with the fact that my grandparents on both sides were really strict, they sort-of over compensated when raising my sister and I. There was no order / no discipline in our home but we wanted for nothing both physically and emotionally and they supported my sister and I on our chosen paths. My sister left to join the Navy and I left Spain for the UK. Old age I really don't think comes into it, they're both in their early 50s and I don't imagine they've retired yet. I really believe they care, but I think they have a really strange interpretation of that word. For them, caring is letting us know that we can do as we wish and they'll be there and support us unconditionally. For me; caring involves nurturing and boundaries, neither of which I really ever had.

Would they be a good influence on your kids?

I would hope so, they're loving people. They just have some quite interesting worldviews. But I really do believe that they would cherish their grandchildren.

 

[OnePiece]

I got a hunch that your parents do care, but will stay out of your way and let you do your own things as long as you don’t contact them first.

You could try to get in touch with the church and tell them that you are trying to get in touch with your parents and ask them if they can help.
An address, a phone-number or any thing.
You could also try the navy to see if they can give you some information on your sister.
What about your grandparents? Any of them still alive? My wife and I are at your parents age and only one of the earlier generation still alive.

 

[ARBBB2]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts,

The idea of getting back in touch was all on my wife's suggestion; she and I are really close to her parents so I guess she is speaking from her own experience and how she would feel if she was in my shoes.

My sister joined the navy when I was 16 but to the best I know she is or at least was still in contact with our parents back when I was but as for now I have no idea. We stayed in touch where we could after I moved here but I suppose our respective lives got in the way. I've tried facebook and linkedin but had absolutely no joy trying to find her. I reached out to who was at the time her boyfriend (also in the navy) but all he could tell me was that they broke up in 2015 and he hadn't heard from her since. I don't know how at this point I could reach her, we're not a military family, my sister was the only one to ever join. Do you know if I were to contact the military directly if they could pass on a message maybe with my contact details?

There are only three conceivable ways I could reach out to my family at this point;

-Show up at their door

-Write to them

-Try to reach them through the church. They always attended and were quite active in the church as I was growing up, if I left a message for them there, it would definitely reach them providing they haven't moved.

do the 2nd and 3rd today!!

 

[Woncrinklz]

@RojasPuraVida My wish for a good reunion is for you. Anything can happen in a decade of time. I hope they are all safe, just hard to get in touch with.
I got to thinking about those companies that find people. But I know not if they are safe. Plus, they charge money, and sell personal information to other unknown organisations.

I think the best thing is the church, too. I think militarily; they are strict with information to the civilians all in all.

 

[elaleman]

To me this seems a very (!) weird constellation, in what kind of family is it possible to just lose contact with your parents, not because something grave happened, just simply because no one cares to stay in touch? My great-grandparents emigrated to the US and I still have loose contacts to my cousin in NY. And all that happened before e-mail and texting. These family ties even survived WW2 with members of the family fighting on both sides.

Moreover I think that, as a parent, your obligations go beyond the question whether or not you wish to reestablish contact with your parents. Children have a right to know their grandparents, otherwise they will have question all their lives.

 

[Woncrinklz]

To me this seems a very (!) weird constellation, in what kind of family is it possible to just lose contact with your parents, not because something grave happened, just simply because no one cares to stay in touch? My great-grandparents emigrated to the US and I still have loose contacts to my cousin in NY. And all that happened before e-mail and texting. These family ties even survived WW2 with members of the family fighting on both sides.

Moreover I think that, as a parent, your obligations go beyond the question whether or not you wish to reestablish contact with your parents. Children have a right to know their grandparents, otherwise they will have question all their lives.

Great points you made up there. You are right.

 

[LifeInPlastic]

I suposse I would recommend writing a letter. Seems to be the best course of action. Gives everyone a bit room.

Cheers

 

[BabyTheleste]

To me this seems a very (!) weird constellation, in what kind of family is it possible to just lose contact with your parents, not because something grave happened, just simply because no one cares to stay in touch? My great-grandparents emigrated to the US and I still have loose contacts to my cousin in NY. And all that happened before e-mail and texting. These family ties even survived WW2 with members of the family fighting on both sides.

Moreover I think that, as a parent, your obligations go beyond the question whether or not you wish to reestablish contact with your parents. Children have a right to know their grandparents, otherwise they will have question all their lives.

I agree totally with this. It feels almost unimaginable that, without some big family bust up, you would not have told them that you have got married, and then possibly even more so, that they have grandchildren.

And similarly, that you have not at the very least enquired as to how they are. You cannot assume that they will be in good health after such a time.

I’ll leave it there, as any further comment may be seen as too judgmental for the forum.

 

[RojasPuraVida]

I agree totally with this. It feels almost unimaginable that, without some big family bust up, you would not have told them that you have got married, and then possibly even more so, that they have grandchildren.

And similarly, that you have not at the very least enquired as to how they are. You cannot assume that they will be in good health after such a time.

I’ll leave it there, as any further comment may be seen as too judgmental for the forum.

After a while of trying unsuccessfully to reach out to them, I moved on. It's not like I was five minutes away and could stop-by for coffee. They changed their phone number, didn't advise me what the new one was and didn't ring me either (my number hasn't changed in the entire time I've lived here, they've always had it).

As much as I've wanted to be in touch with them, I wish they were here for all of this time, to meet the woman I love, to meet my children (their grandchildren) I've never had the means to do so really. If they elected to cut off my means of communication, what options did I have?

 

[RojasPuraVida]

So for a quick update; I called their church this morning before mass and they left a message for my parents with my contact details. My father called me this afternoon and we spoke on the phone for over an hour about everything that had happened (marriage, kids..etc). My sister left the Navy a couple of years ago and is living at home with my parents again now also.

We're back in touch and making plans to see each other again in the near future. Currently processing a whole range of complicated emotions surrounding this.

 

[OnePiece]

So for a quick update; I called their church this morning before mass and they left a message for my parents with my contact details. My father called me this afternoon and we spoke on the phone for over an hour about everything that had happened (marriage, kids..etc). My sister left the Navy a couple of years ago and is living at home with my parents again now also.

We're back in touch and making plans to see each other again in the near future. Currently processing a whole range of complicated emotions surrounding this.

So good that you have made contact again! I understand that you have lots of different emotions about this and I hope everything goes well.

I am, and I’m sure others here are too, curious if you have gotten a reason for your parents not contacting you all these years?
Only answer if you feel like it.

 

[RojasPuraVida]

So good that you have made contact again! I understand that you have lots of different emotions about this and I hope everything goes well.

I am, and I’m sure others here are too, curious if you have gotten a reason for your parents not contacting you all these years?
Only answer if you feel like it.

Thank you for your kind words; honestly my head is a mess currently trying to come to terms with it all. I thought I would be happy to be back in touch, or at least that I wouldn't be feeling hurt like I do.

They gave some reasoning but I cannot pretend that I'm all too satisfied with it. Apparently they thought that they already gave me their updated contact number (they didn't) and apparently they thought I would just turn up one day and that he thought I was 'busy living my life'.

The thing that actually really hurts me is that, now I'm back in touch with my sister too, I found out they told her that I told them I didn't want to speak to any of them, and that I had the means to get in touch with them if I wished yet they didn't know how to reach me - both are untrue.

Separately, my dad revealed he had my contact number all along but never called and lied to my sister about having it.

I did nothing to warrant this from how I see; maybe they're hurt that I left my home country, but it's not like I didn't try with them after I moved, they always told me they supported my decision, I'm wandering now how truthful they were back then.

The one upside though is that my sister is coming to the UK next month to meet my wife and children so I'm really excited for that, we were always really close growing up and before we both left home so it was nice to be planning to see her again. I am sure she would adore to meet her nieces and her nephew.