Spencer and Dustin

[FootieCrinkle]

Hi all. Just a fragmant I'm working on. I realize its very short but I'm gonna add to it as I go on. Just wanted to get the first few sections on here to see if you like my writing style.

.................

“Hey man, popcorn’s done”

12 year old Spencer Kressler looked up, taking out his pacifier and pausing the game of Rainbow Six he was playing on his brother’s laptop. “Hey, Dus, where’s the last bomb in that Dam mission with Kunst?”

“Don’t remember, man. Did you get the two in those creepy tunnels on the lower level?” came Dustin Kressler’s voice as he walked in. Brown-haired like his brother, 23 year old Dustin crossed the room and motioned for Spencer to follow.

Spencer got up and followed his brother, the non-skid soles of his sleeper feet gripping the ground as he went and his diaper crinkling beneath his pajamas. He went into the kitchen and helped Dustin carry the popcorn into the living room. Tonight was their Diaper Night. Almost every time Spencer stayed at his brother’s house they had one of these. Dustin followed Spencer into the room, carrying two glasses.

Hey man, bad news, I think we’re out of root beer. I forgot to buy some,” he said, setting the glasses down and zipping his sleeper all the way up, the errant tab having lowered itself as he had made the popcorn, “Are you wet? ‘Cause if you aren’t, throw some clothes on and we need to make a soda run.”

………………

“Stop that,”

“What”

‘Stop pulling your shirt down. It looks suspicious.” Dustin admonished, as Spencer tugged down on his shirt for the third time since they had entered the grocery store.

“Can we hurry up,” Spencer said nervously, looking around at the sparse yet seemingly looming shoppers around them,” I’m getting hot.”

‘Well you’re the one who didn‘t want to change out of your sleeper. And you wore a sweatshirt. That’s two layers of hotness. Just act natural and we‘ll be outta here in no time”

…………………………..

“Been talking to myself forever….yeah”

The stereo blasted as the two brothers sat, snacks now at hand, in front of the TV, Oceanlab complementing the brothers’ game of Killzone 3 nicely. Dustin dodged for cover, narrowly missing getting blasted to bits by a rocket turret-wielding Helghast soldier. A curse flew from under his pacifier as the soldier reengaged.

“Hey, man, I need cover. Can you smoke that rocked-wielding douchebag on the balcony up there.”

‘Sure,” came Spencer’s reply.

Dustin leaned out again, only to get another rocket to the face. He looked over at spencer, who had a zoned out look on his face, his character not moving.

“Hey, come on, Spence, I’m pinned down.”

“M’ peein,” came Spencer’s reply, muffled by his pacifier, a look of relief flooding over his face as warmth flooded his diaper.

‘Stop wetting your diapers and help me kill people!" Dustin called impatiently, “you think that excuse works in the real military?”

.......................

This is my ideal diaper scenario. Doing normal things in diapers, sleepers, and pacifiers is the ultimate rush, in my opinion. At least for me, the blending of the adult and child sides is the most comforting and fun way to enjoy my ABDL side.

Also, the song they were playing was the Metropolis remix of "On a Good Day", which I like better than the album version. Feel free to disagree, but that's my taste.

[Abdlforever]

It's got a good story line and I'd like to see where this is going but it's confusing as well. Why are they wearing diapers? There's no background infornation, nothing that leads to let me know what exactly is going on. And it kind of jumps around. There's not a whole lot of fluidity.

[satyrical]

Agree with above. It's an interesting premise and the characters go well with each other, but it needs more explanation to what exactly is going on. In other words, keep going!

[FootieCrinkle]

Ohh i Know, the "Red Dead Revolver" effect. I wanted to simply depict two ABDLs having a night together, no plots, discoveries, or other unrealistic elements, just some fun. I will ad more background to the characters in more revisions, I just needed to start writing or it would never have gotten started, know what I mean?

[walex]

Hah, I love the idea. As a DL thats exactly how I like to enjoy my diapers. Unfortunately alone.

[NateSean]

The story seems like pretty typical plot for an AB/DL story. The only difference really being the names of current video games and the lyrics from songs. That's not a criticsm of your writing but it doesn't stand out as a story.

Now, if you're actually interested in improving this and his and future stories, here are some thoughts.

Unimportant numbers are spelled out. Ages, while identifying pieces of information aren't important. Or at least it's not that important in the context of the story so it would be "twelve year-old Spencer", "Twenty-three year-old Dustin".

Character development can be one of the hardest yet most rewarding aspects of writing a story. You do this by introducing us to your characters slowly and finding a balance of showing versus telling. It's also important to give the author some credit. Take this first few paragraphs.

12 year old Spencer Kressler looked up, taking out his pacifier and pausing the game of Rainbow Six he was playing on his brother’s laptop. “Hey, Dus, where’s the last bomb in that Dam mission with Kunst?”

“Don’t remember, man. Did you get the two in those creepy tunnels on the lower level?” came Dustin Kressler’s voice as he walked in. Brown-haired like his brother, 23 year old Dustin crossed the room and motioned for Spencer to follow.

Spencer got up and followed his brother, the non-skid soles of his sleeper feet gripping the ground as he went and his diaper crinkling beneath his pajamas. He went into the kitchen and helped Dustin carry the popcorn into the living room. Tonight was their Diaper Night. Almost every time Spencer stayed at his brother’s house they had one of these. Dustin followed Spencer into the room, carrying two glasses.

You mention that Dustin is Spencer's brother four times. Your reader only needs to see that once and if he forgets, he can always go back. Also, unless it's important to the story, you don't need to give us their full names. Unless you tell me that Dustin is Spencer's step brother, or that they're foster brothers, I'm going to assume that Dustin's last name is Kressler as well.

"Hey man, popcorn's done."

Spencer paused the game and went down stairs to help his older brother with the snacks. The smell of butter filled the kitchen as Dustin emptied the bag into a large bowl.

"Where's the last bomb on that dam mission with Kunst?" Spencer asked, taking the bowl while Dustin grabbed two empty glasses.

"Don't remember," Dustin answered. "Did you get the two in those creepy tunnels on the lower level?”

See, short and simple. We now know who Spencer and Dustin are and that they're making snacks for a fun night of gaming and possibly more. We don't need to know it's Rainbow Sixthat they're playing, because if someone reads this story twenty years from now they're not going to know what you're talking about. In this context, we know they're playing a video game and it gives the reader a chance to use his imagination and fill in the blanks with something he's more familiar with.

That's just a few small suggestions. Let me know if you'd appreciate more.

[FootieCrinkle]

Good suggestions! As I said, I just started writing. I'll definitely revise as I go on.

[austin.db]

The blandness is strangely appealing.

[Hug]

I like it so far. I can't wait to see what happens!

[WBDaddy]

The story seems like pretty typical plot for an AB/DL story.

Huh?!

There isn't any plot yet. He set a scene. Give the man a chance to start telling a story before you start beating him up for telling one that someone else already told.