John's Troubles

[James]

Wow this is pretty good, I hope you write more!

[Lee Iero]

you can really improve it,but for now a good story.

[juriev]

Originally Posted by Lee Iero

you can really improve it,but for now a good story.

please elaborate

[Manveru]

Originally Posted by genbaby

Ok it is decent. But my thoughta are that these events don't seem possible i mean how do you have that bad of a migrane. Once you have them a lot the go like nothing i would know a conditoin i had causes me to have them. Als in most places a 0 for bad handwriting is not doable.

I've had faint migraines before. They're usually coupled with dizziness and nausea.

They suck. BAD.

[juriev]

Chapter Three
John didn’t know what to do, his girlfriend, Ali?
“You seem just a little bit groggy!” she said in her sweet little voice.
John quickly tried to think of his options while still acting natural. “Ali, I... um… need to go to the … bathroom.”
“Ok, I’ll just wait in here for you,” said Ali.
“Maybe,” John said in desperation, “Maybe you could wait downstairs?”
“Why? I wanted to hang out here for a while,” said Ali.
Now John was getting desperate, Ali could see that. “What’s wrong John?”
“Nothing… Nothing at all.”
“Tell me, something’s up. Let me help,” said Ali bouncing on the bed a little.
John saw absolutely no way what so ever out of this. “Um…Ali?”
“Yeah, come on.” She looked him in the eyes with her beautiful light blue ones, her golden hair cascading over one shoulder. “Tell me anything, you can trust me.”
“Well… I have a… um… problem.”
“So do I,” said Ali.
“What?”
“You won’t tell me what’s wrong, now tell me your problem.”
“Well Ali… um… lately here… um… I’ve been um….” John said the last part very fast and soft, “Wetting the bed.”
“What you said that last part too fast.”
“Wetting the bed,” said John slowly and he could feel his face glowing like a traffic light.
“Well that’s not good, did you wet last night?”
John could feel that he had, “Yes.”
“Then you should tell your mom to wash your sheets, I’m sure she won’t mind.”
“Well, Ali, she said she is tired of that so she makes me… um… wear a.. um … pull-up.”
Ali’s little mouth smiled and she said, “Man, I feel sorry for you. I had to wear them until I was nine. I could not go a single night dry. John, you aren’t alone. Every once and I while I have a nightmare and it happens to me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, sure it does. Well, come on,” Ali said and pulled the sheets off of John. “Well it sure does look like the little baby did wet his diaper.” Ali said the last part in a baby voice.
John turned bright red and glared at her.
“Oh, no the glare of death!” she said laughing. “Go get yourself cleaned up.”
John walked to the end of his bed and picked up the shorts he left there last night and he slipped them on. He then walked out of the room leaving Ally behind.
When John got to the bathroom he took off the pull-up. It was soaked through, hopefully it hadn’t leaked. John then took a fast shower and put on a change of clothes he had brought with him to the bathroom. He walked back to his room, the door was closed, not the way he left it.
John turned the knob and walked in to find Ali lying on his bed using his laptop computer. That was ok, he had told her she could use it any time she wanted. The strange thing though was she was no longer wearing the shorts she wore earlier. She was wearing one of John’s pull-ups.
“What are you doing?” asked John.
“Making you feel better grumpy gills,” said Ali in a sweet matter of fact voice.
“By wearing one of my pull-ups?”
“Yep, I did a little digging and found them!” she said.
“Well, I never said you could do that,” said John a mock mad voice. “You’re in trouble now.”
“Yeah, what can you do.”
“Make you wear it the rest of the morning,” John said.
“Okay, I will then,” said Ali playing along.
They relaxed on John’s bed for the morning, playing around on the internet, and doing other things on the computer. Ali, true to her word, in the pull-up the entire time.
At about eleven John’s stomach gave an audible growl. “I think somebody’s hungry,” said Ali.
“Yeah I think so. Let’s go eat. Ali you can take the pull-up off now.”
“Okay, but I dare you to wear one the rest of the day,” said Ali smirking.
The rest of the day included going to a movie and dinner downtown.
“What?” said John.
“You heard me,” she said laying there looking adorable in the pull-up.
“No,” said John.
“What was that I heard, You are afraid?”
“No I’m not,” said John.
“Yep, if you were not you would just wear it. Nobody could tell through your shorts.”
“No.”
“I bet you five bucks that you can’t do it,” said Ali.
With expenses already running slim, John considered this. It was only five dollars, but five dollars is five dollars. It couldn’t be all that bad either.
“Ok, I will,” John smirked. “On one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You wear one too,” said John.
“Well, okay I will,” said Ali.
John went to the dresser and pulled out one of the pull-ups. Ali was standing up pulling her shorts back on.
John went to the bathroom. In there he took off his shorts and pulled on the pull-up. He loved the feeling the instant he put it on, he thought, maybe this day wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Back in his room he looked at Ali. She looked the exact same, nobody could be able to tell, even with her short shorts. Ali also consoled John, that under his shorts, the pull-up was not visible.
John got his tennis shoes and put them on, once they were laced up he and Ali went downstairs to the kitchen to get a bite to eat.

[James]

Nice new chapter I like this story!

I think his Girlfriend might end up being a TB I'm good at plot guessing !

[Manveru]

Originally Posted by James

Nice new chapter I like this story!

I think his Girlfriend might end up being a TB I'm good at plot guessing !

It's....pretty obvious.

*dons the Critic Hat *

I don't mean to be rude but this seems like an amalgamation of every TB stereotype story, minus the forced humiliation. There isn't anything in it that makes it unique. The characters aren't very well-developed at all and I'm not really given any reason to care about them. Also, your sentence structure is repetitive and your formatting leaves something to be desired.

But for some reason I cannot identify, I do really like this story.

[juriev]

Originally Posted by Manveru

It's....pretty obvious.

*dons the Critic Hat *

I don't mean to be rude but this seems like an amalgamation of every TB stereotype story, minus the forced humiliation. There isn't anything in it that makes it unique. The characters aren't very well-developed at all and I'm not really given any reason to care about them. Also, your sentence structure is repetitive and your formatting leaves something to be desired.

But for some reason I cannot identify, I do really like this story.

True, true... I'm halfway ok at writting other things, I just think the TB writing just isn't my thing... there are a few other things I have done and am working on that I think are a lot higher quality, but contain no TBness.

[genbaby]

This is his first story so you have to give him props it's pretty good. But i hope it doesn't turn out like my first story a train wreak. though i guess no one really likesd my story anyway. meh i am a better critique than writer anyway i may give it another try one day.

Back to the topic of the story. The girlfriend thing i am hoping you kind of turn this to make the story unique. Like the normal thing that would happen is either he would become a tb and she would baby him or they both will just become dls. Also i think this story's chapters are not being gave enough attentoin. Stop releasing everyday put some work write details into your writing. you don't show what his girlfriend or anyone looks like. Though don't come out and say it kind of talk about it withoutdirectly pointing it out.



Also one last thing with the migranes manveru this charactor has sever and very offten migranes in real lif you begin to not notice them as they would become part of your normal life.

[NARU]

I have a strange feeling this is going to crash and burn before the tenth chapter. Maybe its because you completely changed at the second chapter, or maybe its because this story doesnt seem to be going anywhere.