Weekend with Mary.

TB4eva · 09-07-2008

Jon was an ordinary kid. But one weekend would change his life forever.
"John it's time for Dinner!!" yelled his mother.
"one second" he screamed back.
He came running down stairs. After dinner his mum siad i've hired a sitter for the rest of friday and the rest of the weekend" his mom said.
"aww... how come?" he asked.
"Your father and I are going on a second honey moon. And I don't trust a 15 year old boy alone that long."
'DING DONG'
"Oh good that must be her" Mum said.
She opens the door and a blond haired woman is standing in the doorway with an 11 year old girl hugging her lovingly.
"Hi, i'm Mary and this is Jean. I had to bring her with me." She said.
They talked for a little while. John's parents had left.
"Well i'd better get my wittle baby sister changed!" Mary said to jean.
"She wares diapers?" John asked.
"oh corse she dose or she might have an accident."
She unfolded a mat of the floor. Then Jean lay on the mat. Mary pulled down Jean's Trowsers. John started to leave.
"you can stay and watch Jean dosen't mind." Said mary.
John watched as Jean's wet disposable was changed. "All done my wittle baby princess. Now it's your turn!" Mary said.
"I don't need them" John said.
"I don't care i'm in charge until 6 o'clock sunday."
"You cant!"
"Aww is baby having a tantrum?"
John saw the smirk on Mary's face.
"You obviously wasnt one." Mary pointed twords John's crotch whick buldged.
He had too there was nothing else he clould do.
(sorry it's not much but I started late will continue sometime thursday. And alot more will be done to it again sorry about the shrot length.)

BabyGrizzy · 09-07-2008

Where to start...the story is WAY too short, way too strait forward, more of something I would expect from Deeker. Your punctuation is terrible by my standards, next time use Open Office for writing stories (or MS Word if you have it already), or just get Firefox, which has spell check built in. But seriously, it could be an OK story (I prefer more of a story line) if you make it longer, more details where necessary, and fix the punctuation.

Fire2box · 09-07-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyGrizzy

more of something I would expect from Deeker.

If that was true the 11 year old girl wouldn't be in diapers and would instead be helping her sister put Jon in diapers. Not to mention she would be acting all mature to make him feel worse. Other then that I agree with everything else you said.

Since the story began with "Jon was an ordinary kid. But one weekend would change his life forever." that means his parents will find out and keep him in diapers so long he needs them for life. So I at least thank TB4eva for that, though I am pretty sure he did not want to give it away.

I am not saying you should quit writing TB4eva but this plot has been used to death. I would give ya suggestions but I do not write.

Dr_J · 10-07-2008

Ummm....okay. How do I put this nicely but bluntly?

You've bastardized the English language...terribly. On top of that, there is no character introduction or development, your spelling and grammar is atrocious, and I have no desire to keep on reading. This is something I'd have found on Deeker's site years ago!

May I suggest you stop writing in Notepad and actually use a spell check in some sort of word processing program? Oh, and work on developing your characters more.

I don't care about John being an ordinary kid, and do you know why? Because now he is cliche. Now he is like every other poorly written ABDL/TB character. He's just sitting around and then WHAM he's put into diapers by your fantasy babysitter, who I also can't connect to.

Forgive the harsh tone, but I'm a writer, and I cannot stand when people don't make an effort.

genbaby · 10-07-2008

I can't evem comment it's so bad. The way you wrote. THe fact it is rushed. The fact that if the little sister didn't where diapers it would be somethin off of deeker.

Kip · 10-07-2008

I'm going to be blunt: it sucked. Not only was it not long enough, you butchered the English language. Your grammar and punctuation is horrible. If Jean was helping put Jon in diapers, I would expect to find this story on deeker.com.

genbaby · 10-07-2008

Kip It's lanth is nderstandable because it is a prolouge i believe.

StefanHasDiapees · 10-07-2008

Hmmm...

I don't talk much here (just come for the stories, post the odd rave or pan), but I gotta say something.

Yeah, the story sucked snot from a straw, but the trite little 'this is Deeker level writing' stuff is getting annoyingly repetative.

I have read utter crap both here and at Deekers. I've also read some fantastic stories on both sites.

Finally, quality of writing; yes, yes, and yes, Deeker publishes utter garbage, but, look at the updates to his Contributed Stories list today; the 2nd two "newest updates" are very, VERY long multi-part stories, written by people with skills, who obviously care about what they are writing. Not particularly my style of stories (one is forced regression, the other more of a wacky turn-all-males-into-diaper-uses fantasy), but both are very much on par, as far as linguistic ability and grammatical accuracy are concerned, with nearly anything here.

I know somebody will want to say 'yeah, but he's a pedophile'. Yeah, well, this whole subject of ours walks a fine line, don't it? A recent story on this site involved a kidnapper adult doing something with a kid, too; I know some of the stories on his site have boys playing around with each other, but he has a rule that he allows zero adult/youth content. If you notice any such thing in his archive, he deletes it immediately.

Just, I mean, good grief... this is a Fetish subject, right? ADISC stories are mostly diaper or regression fetish material, right? Lots of them are about kids, right? And you allllllllll read them strictly and solely for the scholarly discussion of grammer and style, right?

Everyone feeling a bit creepy? Exxxxxxcellent.

*soxfan08* · 11-07-2008

Terrible, just awful. Stop writing dude.

Akira · 11-07-2008

Hm. Everyone else has pointed out the major flaws, so here's one nobody's mentioned yet...

When naming characters, you wanna be careful when picking the names. It confuses the human brain to read names that sound the same. They'll naturally screw things up, it's just confusing. If two characters sound enough the same, it'll say that the story, thus the author, lacks originality and it's not as powerful of a statement.

"John" and "Jean" sound too much the same.

To any writers out there: also, if you're writing older children-plus stories, avoid alliterations in the name. Like Mary Malone, John Jacobs...they sound too childlike and the reader will view the character as childish and immature, no matter how badass they are.

09-07-2008	#1 (permalink)
TB4eva Lurker Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: london england Posts: 35 Threads: 6 Reputation: 0	Weekend with Mary. Jon was an ordinary kid. But one weekend would change his life forever. "John it's time for Dinner!!" yelled his mother. "one second" he screamed back. He came running down stairs. After dinner his mum siad i've hired a sitter for the rest of friday and the rest of the weekend" his mom said. "aww... how come?" he asked. "Your father and I are going on a second honey moon. And I don't trust a 15 year old boy alone that long." 'DING DONG' "Oh good that must be her" Mum said. She opens the door and a blond haired woman is standing in the doorway with an 11 year old girl hugging her lovingly. "Hi, i'm Mary and this is Jean. I had to bring her with me." She said. They talked for a little while. John's parents had left. "Well i'd better get my wittle baby sister changed!" Mary said to jean. "She wares diapers?" John asked. "oh corse she dose or she might have an accident." She unfolded a mat of the floor. Then Jean lay on the mat. Mary pulled down Jean's Trowsers. John started to leave. "you can stay and watch Jean dosen't mind." Said mary. John watched as Jean's wet disposable was changed. "All done my wittle baby princess. Now it's your turn!" Mary said. "I don't need them" John said. "I don't care i'm in charge until 6 o'clock sunday." "You cant!" "Aww is baby having a tantrum?" John saw the smirk on Mary's face. "You obviously wasnt one." Mary pointed twords John's crotch whick buldged. He had too there was nothing else he clould do. (sorry it's not much but I started late will continue sometime thursday. And alot more will be done to it again sorry about the shrot length.)

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09-07-2008	#2 (permalink)
BabyGrizzy Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California, USA Age: 15 Posts: 483 Threads: 49 Gallery Uploads: 18 Wiki Edits: 5 Blog Entries: 1	Where to start...the story is WAY too short, way too strait forward, more of something I would expect from Deeker. Your punctuation is terrible by my standards, next time use Open Office for writing stories (or MS Word if you have it already), or just get Firefox, which has spell check built in. But seriously, it could be an OK story (I prefer more of a story line) if you make it longer, more details where necessary, and fix the punctuation.

10-07-2008	#4 (permalink)
Dr_J Regular Join Date: May 2008 Location: New York, USA Posts: 80 Threads: 5 Reputation: 4	Ummm....okay. How do I put this nicely but bluntly? You've bastardized the English language...terribly. On top of that, there is no character introduction or development, your spelling and grammar is atrocious, and I have no desire to keep on reading. This is something I'd have found on Deeker's site years ago! May I suggest you stop writing in Notepad and actually use a spell check in some sort of word processing program? Oh, and work on developing your characters more. I don't care about John being an ordinary kid, and do you know why? Because now he is cliche. Now he is like every other poorly written ABDL/TB character. He's just sitting around and then WHAM he's put into diapers by your fantasy babysitter, who I also can't connect to. Forgive the harsh tone, but I'm a writer, and I cannot stand when people don't make an effort.

10-07-2008	#5 (permalink)
genbaby Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Maryland USA Age: 14 Posts: 1,304 Threads: 26 Wiki Edits: 5 Blog Entries: 6 Reputation: 6	I can't evem comment it's so bad. The way you wrote. THe fact it is rushed. The fact that if the little sister didn't where diapers it would be somethin off of deeker.

10-07-2008	#6 (permalink)
Kip Banned Join Date: May 2008 Location: Florida, USA Age: 19 Posts: 412 Threads: 21 Gallery Uploads: 8 Reputation: 3	I'm going to be blunt: it sucked. Not only was it not long enough, you butchered the English language. Your grammar and punctuation is horrible. If Jean was helping put Jon in diapers, I would expect to find this story on deeker.com.

10-07-2008	#7 (permalink)
genbaby Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Maryland USA Age: 14 Posts: 1,304 Threads: 26 Wiki Edits: 5 Blog Entries: 6 Reputation: 6	Kip It's lanth is nderstandable because it is a prolouge i believe.

10-07-2008	#8 (permalink)
StefanHasDiapees Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Canada Age: 20 Posts: 30 Threads: 2 Reputation: 2	Hmmm... I don't talk much here (just come for the stories, post the odd rave or pan), but I gotta say something. Yeah, the story sucked snot from a straw, but the trite little 'this is Deeker level writing' stuff is getting annoyingly repetative. I have read utter crap both here and at Deekers. I've also read some fantastic stories on both sites. Finally, quality of writing; yes, yes, and yes, Deeker publishes utter garbage, but, look at the updates to his Contributed Stories list today; the 2nd two "newest updates" are very, VERY long multi-part stories, written by people with skills, who obviously care about what they are writing. Not particularly my style of stories (one is forced regression, the other more of a wacky turn-all-males-into-diaper-uses fantasy), but both are very much on par, as far as linguistic ability and grammatical accuracy are concerned, with nearly anything here. I know somebody will want to say 'yeah, but he's a pedophile'. Yeah, well, this whole subject of ours walks a fine line, don't it? A recent story on this site involved a kidnapper adult doing something with a kid, too; I know some of the stories on his site have boys playing around with each other, but he has a rule that he allows zero adult/youth content. If you notice any such thing in his archive, he deletes it immediately. Just, I mean, good grief... this is a Fetish subject, right? ADISC stories are mostly diaper or regression fetish material, right? Lots of them are about kids, right? And you allllllllll read them strictly and solely for the scholarly discussion of grammer and style, right? Everyone feeling a bit creepy? Exxxxxxcellent.

11-07-2008	#9 (permalink)
soxfan08 Lurker Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Somewhere in the USA Posts: 13 Threads: 1 Reputation: -1	Terrible, just awful. Stop writing dude.

11-07-2008	#10 (permalink)
Akira Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California Age: 17 Posts: 475 Threads: 16 Gallery Uploads: 4 Blog Entries: 1 Reputation: 7	Hm. Everyone else has pointed out the major flaws, so here's one nobody's mentioned yet... When naming characters, you wanna be careful when picking the names. It confuses the human brain to read names that sound the same. They'll naturally screw things up, it's just confusing. If two characters sound enough the same, it'll say that the story, thus the author, lacks originality and it's not as powerful of a statement. "John" and "Jean" sound too much the same. To any writers out there: also, if you're writing older children-plus stories, avoid alliterations in the name. Like Mary Malone, John Jacobs...they sound too childlike and the reader will view the character as childish and immature, no matter how badass they are.